It was Connor's least favourite part of the week. Mikey had to be dropped back off to Jude in roughly an hour. He would see Mikey again on Wednesday – Connor always left work early on the day so he could pick Mikey up from school and they could spend the evening together – but Connor didn't like the brief goodbyes that always occurred on Sundays. Mikey was currently sitting in the living room, colouring in one of his many colouring books, while Connor dished up Jell-O for a late afternoon snack.

In Connor's pocket, his phone began to sing. Connor pulled it out, only to see Jude calling him. Connor frowned. Jude never called him anymore.

"Hello?"

"Hi," Jude replied.

"Is everything okay?" Connor asked. Jude sounded off.

"Fine," Jude said. "Could you just … Can you drop Mikey of at Moms instead of at home today?"

"Sure. Any particular reason?"

"Family dinner."

"Oh, okay. Well, he'll be there at four-thirty. Usual time."

"Thanks."

"Do you need to talk to him or anything?" Connor offered. "We're just about to have Jell-O."

"No. That's fine. Just take him straight to Moms."

"Okay. See you later!"

"Bye."

In no time at all, it felt to Connor, he and Mikey were repacking Mikey's weekend bag with all of the things that Mikey would need to take home. Mikey chattered a bit more about a red puppy, and Connor wondered if it was worth it to talk to Jude about it. It was only the end of September, but it couldn't hurt to start talking about Christmas ideas, especially since a dog was a big decision.

As they left the parking lot of Connor's apartment complex, Mikey pressed his hand to the window. "Dad, can we go to the park when I see you on Wednesday?"

"Sure," Connor agreed. It had rained all weekend, keeping them mostly on the couch and watching movies. They had only had one excursion to get groceries, so that they could make spaghetti sauce together.

"Hey!" Mikey cried. "You missed the road home!"

"Whoops, forgot to tell you. You're going to your Grandmas' house instead."

Mikey frowned at him.

"You don't want to go to Grandmas' house?" Connor asked.

"I thought we were going on Tuesday. I was supposed to bring puzzles for Marley on Tuesday! What if she's mad?"

Connor had to laugh. Marley did have a ridiculous temper. "She'll forgive you. If you go on Tuesday too then just remember your puzzle then!"

"Dad, it's been too long since you've seen Marley," Mikey informed him solemnly. "Marley gets mad and then she gets madder."

"Try distracting her," Connor recommended.

Connor pulled into the familiar Adams-Foster driveway, and a lump appeared in his throat. He hadn't been here in months. Lena was standing out on the porch, apparently waiting for Mikey and Connor. She held her arms open as Mikey leapt from the car and rushed for a hug. Connor grabbed his son's weekend bag and followed him up to the stairs.

"Where's Father?" Mikey asked.

"He's not here yet. You beat him!"

"Jude's not here?" Connor repeated, surprised.

Lena met his eyes. "No, sorry, Connor."

She was insightful. Connor would always give her that. But this time, Lena was looking at him for the wrong reasons. Connor would never not want to see Jude, but his tone had been weird in the phone call, and Connor had a couple of things that he wanted to talk to Jude about.

"When he comes over, could you tell him to give me a call when he's not busy?" Connor requested.

"Sure, Connor," Lena agreed. "It was great to see you."

She wrapped him in a hug, and Connor hugged her back. It was an embrace that was as familiar to him as his own mother's. "It's always great to see you, Lena."

"Are you going, Dad?" Mikey asked anxiously. "You can have supper here!"

Connor would have loved to, but he knew that he couldn't. "Nah, I've got some leftover spaghetti to eat, and you know how much I love leftover spaghetti."

"Okay," Mikey agreed dejectedly.

"Hey, don't look so sad. I'll see you on Wednesday, okay?"

"Okay."

"And we'll go to the park, just like you want."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

They crossed pinkies, and then Connor gave him a tight hug. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Mikey echoed.

They said their goodbyes and Connor got back in his car. After he left the driveway, Connor found himself not driving toward his apartment. Instead, he found himself driving toward Jude's house. He didn't know what made him do it, but, even if it made Jude annoyed, Connor had to make sure Jude was okay. Connor knew Jude and he knew when Jude wasn't feeling one hundred percent, and he was definitely having an off-day. Mikey's words on Friday afternoon also tugged at Connor's mind. All Connor had to do was see Jude; just remind himself that Jude was fine. Jude would be bothered by it, but that didn't bother Connor. It wasn't as if Jude was ever happy with him anymore.

When he approached his old home, the first thing Connor noticed was Jude's car in the driveway. As he parked, Connor hesitated. What if Jude was with another man? What if Jude was finishing up a date? Connor told himself that, if that were the case, he would hide behind the guise of needing to talk about Mikey, and then he walked up to the front door. He knocked and waited. There was no flicker of life within the house. He knocked again, but there was also nothing.

Connor pulled his keys out of his pocket, and toyed with them. Jude would hate him if he walked in. Jude could just be avoiding him. Connor found himself trying the doorknob, only to find it locked. And then he found himself lifting the key to the lock and letting himself inside. Not much had changed in the front entrance, except all of the pictures containing Connor had disappeared, only to be replaced by Mikey's most recent school photos. Connor took off his shoes and placed them in the grey tray, just like Jude had eventually trained him to do. Connor had always been the type to wear his shoes throughout the house.

"Jude?" he called.

He was probably in the kitchen with headphones in. Maybe he was in the bathroom and couldn't come to the door. Connor tried to listen for a shower running, but then he heard something else. There was a bang from upstairs.

"Jude?"

Another bang.

Connor took off up the stairs. It sounded like it was coming from their old bedroom.

"Jude!?"

Connor didn't knock on the bedroom door. He threw it open, only to see something out of his worst nightmares. There was Jude, limp and pale, hanging from one of the rafters that stretched across their ceiling. His foot kicked against the wall again and Connor found himself desperately racing across the room, feeling as if he were moving through sludge. His fingers slid across the rope around Jude's neck, finding the knot. He propped Jude up against his body, trying to give him room to breathe while Connor clawed at the rope. He didn't know what to do. He was thinking anything but Jude, Jude, Jude.

The rope came free and Jude slumped into Connor's arms. Connor could hear Jude's breathing, shaky and soft, but present. Connor wanted to cry; the sound was so beautiful. He laid Jude down against the floor, leaning over him, not knowing how to take care of him. Doing what he thought he should, Connor found himself undoing the buttons on Jude's shirt to clear his neck. With his other hand, Connor called 911.

"My husband just tried to kill himself!" Connor screeched. The female on the other end was almost infuriatingly calm as she asked about his address, about Jude's height and weight, his current condition and pre-existing medical conditions. "I don't fucking know how long he's been hanging!"

Jude's eyes were opening. Connor blinked quickly and then stared at Jude's face. He hadn't imagined that, had he? Had Jude's eyes just opened? There, they flickered again.

"Jude? Jude, please. Can you hear me? Please, open your eyes. The ambulance is going to be here soon, okay? You're going to be fine." And then the words that Connor couldn't say. Why, Jude? Why?

Jude was staring at him. Connor met Jude's brilliant eyes, watching as they filled with tears.

"Jude." Connor gathered one of Jude's hands in his own, unable to stop himself. Jude didn't fight him.

Jude cried. He didn't sob or shake. Thick tears just leaked from his eyes and down his face, onto the hardwood floor of their bedroom.

"The ambulance is coming, okay?"

Jude looked away from Connor, toward the beam where he had been hanging from.

"Don't leave us, Jude."

He could hear a knocking downstairs. Connor shouted for them to come in. He wasn't leaving Jude. He was scared that Jude might do something if Connor were to leave him alone, and that feeling was so strange. Jude had always been independent. That had always made Connor feel more loved, strangely, because Jude didn't need anyone, necessarily, but rather, he wanted them to be around him.

There were footsteps on the stairs.

Jude had closed his eyes again. Connor tightened his grip on Jude's hand.

"Don't leave me," Jude whispered, his voice so faint that Connor almost thought that he had imagined it.

"I won't go," Connor promised anyway. He wasn't going to leave Jude; not now, no matter what.

The paramedics stepped into the room, and Connor sat back to explain the situation. He didn't let go of Jude, not that Jude would have let him. Carefully, the paramedics gave Jude a physical examination.

"You need to come to the hospital for a psych evaluation and for a more complete medical evaluation," said the woman who had introduced herself as Caterina.

"I don't want to," Jude protested. "You said I was fine."

"We can't be sure that there is no lasting damage until we run more tests," the man, James, explained. "We don't want to miss anything."

Connor lifted Jude's hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles like he used to when they were in love with each other. "Do it for Mikey."

He had to wonder if that was even a convincing argument. Jude had been trying to die. If Connor hadn't come over, Jude would now be dead. Somehow, Jude had made the decision to never see Mikey again. He would have never known what Mikey would look like when he was thirty; he would have never known the details of Mikey's first kiss; he would have never seen their son grow into a capable adult. Jude had somehow managed to be okay with that, and put a noose around his neck.

There was no emotion in Jude's eyes when he looked at Connor. Even the tears had stopped falling. Connor thought that Jude was going to say no, throw them all out, and then do something even more desperate.

"Don't leave me," Jude whispered to him.

"I'm right here," Connor assured him.

After that, Jude was willing to be lead down the stairs and into the ambulance. They sat in the back with James watching over them while Caterina drove them to the hospital. Halfway there, Jude's cell phone rang.

"Hi, Mom. No, I know. Um, could you keep Mikey for the night? No. Connor ended up coming over and we're … We're in a mess right now and I don't want Mikey to be in the middle of it. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mom. I'll talk to you later." He put his cell phone back in his pocket.

Connor tried to catch Jude's eye, but Jude wouldn't look at him. Jude hadn't let go of Connor's hand either, though, and Connor didn't quite know what to make of that. When they arrived at the hospital, Connor was a silent voyeur. He couldn't offer the doctors anything helpful – he hadn't been around Jude enough to detail changes in behaviour, and Jude certainly hadn't tried to talk to him about anything. The only thing he offer was that Jude had never done anything like that before, and that Mikey had commented that Jude was 'always sad'.

He sat in the waiting room while they ran a few tests on Jude, making sure that there hadn't been enough oxygen deprivation to damage his brain. Connor took the few minutes alone to hang his head between his knees and burst into tears. The thought of Jude being dead and gone was, undoubtedly, one of the worst thoughts he'd ever had. Throughout the separation, Connor had thought that Jude was happy. He'd wanted to believe that Jude's eyes had regained some of the light their crumbled marriage had taken away. But Jude had tried to take his life and Connor was at a loss as to what to do. He knew he was supposed to stay out of Jude's life, but that relied on Jude having a life. And what if it hadn't been Connor to find him? What if it had been Mikey? That was one thing couldn't allow to happen, right after actually allowing Jude to die.

He cleared his tears as a nurse came to collect him. She dropped him off in an office. Jude was already there. He was seated in an armchair and he looked very small.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Scott," said the doctor behind the large desk. "You're Mr. Adams-Foster-Steven's husband?"

"Yes, sir." For now. For all intents and purposes. "Is he going to be all right?"

"Physically, there's no lasting damage," Dr. Scott reassured them both. "Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens, I understand you don't wish to receive any in-patient psych treatments?"

Connor's eyes snapped to Jude. But he needed it. Wasn't in-patient psych treatment mandatory after a suicide attempt? Jude just couldn't say no!

"I want to go home."

He sounded so scared. Connor didn't think he'd ever heard Jude sound quite like that. He inched his way to Jude's side and Jude leant his head against Connor's ribs. Connor touched the top of Jude's head.

"Our psych evaluation shows that you're not believed to be an immediate danger to yourself or others. This means that we cannot hold you for a mandatory stay. We still highly recommend an overnight stay, at the very least." Dr. Scott paused, but Jude didn't respond. "We would like to recommend a number of follow-up appointments with Dr. Nadine."

"I would like that."

Connor breathed a small sigh of relief. That was a good sign, right? Jude was making future plans; Jude wanted help. Connor wished he'd take overnight help.

"Do you live alone?" Dr. Scott asked.

"No," Jude answered before Connor could point out that Jude lived with a six-year-old.

"Good. Surround yourself with friends and family," Dr. Scott advised. "I wish you well, Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens."

"Thank you."

Jude shook Dr. Scott's hand, collected a few prescriptions from him along with an appointment card for Dr. Nadine, and then he and Connor left the office. There was a pharmacy on the bottom level of the building, so by an unspoken agreement, they went there first. Connor didn't say anything until after they had handed the prescriptions over and were told that it would be a twenty-five minute wait.

They sat side by side in two hospital chairs and Connor thought of everything he wanted to say. He wanted to yell about Mikey; he wanted to shake Jude and say that he was loved so damn much; but, most of all, Connor wanted to cry and find out why. None of that came out of Connor's mouth.

"I'm going to call a cab. Do you want to go to your Moms' house first or home and then to Stef's and Lena's?" Connor knew that Jude would want his mothers and Connor wasn't going leave him by himself. He didn't trust Jude to stay alive.

Jude looked horrified. "You're not telling Moms."

"You can. But they'll need to know about why you're staying with them. Unless you're planning on having them stay with you …"

"I'll be fine," Jude snapped.

"You can't be alone. And you can't be alone with Mikey. He can't lose you. Or find you. And we can't lose you." Or handle finding you again.

Jude began to cry at the sound of Mikey's name and he hid his face away in his hands. "I just got overwhelmed and I didn't know what I was doing. I don't think I want to die. I just want to stop feeling."

Without overthinking it, Connor slid his arm around Jude's shoulders. "You can't be alone. And your moms need to know. You're loved, Jude. Stef and Lena will help you."

"I don't want them to know," Jude protested. "I won't do anything else. I promise. I won't."

Three hours ago, Connor never would have believed that Jude would try to kill himself. Now, Connor didn't believe Jude wouldn't.

"You can't –" Connor started again.

"Then you stay with me if you're so worried!"

Connor sat back. "You need to tell me why you did this."

"I'm a failure." Jude closed his eyes. "I'm not smart or good or necessary or … anything. You're the better parent. Mikey's stuck with me. Our marriage failed. And … I got laid off on Thursday. They're moving everything overseas and they just let me go." Jude pressed his hands to his chest over his heart. "Everything just feels like it's hurting all the time and I just want it to stop."

"I'm sorry."

Jude shook his head. "I just don't want anyone else to know. And Mikey … Mikey can't ever know anything."

Connor wanted to ask what Jude thought would happen once Mikey found out he was dead, but he stopped himself. It wouldn't be fair.

"It's not something I should ask," Jude said quickly. "We're not together anymore, and you don't owe me anything but it would mean a lot to me if you could stay for a while. I know you don't want Mikey to stay alone with me, but I want him with me even though that's selfish and I'm sorry."

He was rambling and desperate and he didn't sound like Jude.

Connor took Jude's hand again, knowing that Jude could offer excuses for a long time yet. "I'm here for you. We'll tell Mikey you're sick, okay? To explain why I'm around for a little while and why you're not going to work. You'll feel like you again."

Jude rubbed at his neck, where Connor could see the faintest red line.

Jude's prescriptions were ready and, only a few minutes later, a cab had arrived for them. After Connor gave the driver his address, Jude looked surprised.

"Your apartment?"

"I need clothes, a toothbrush, that sort of thing," Connor explained.

Jude didn't reply, but he seemed to sink further into the cab seats. At Connor's building, Connor instructed the driver to wait, which she was more than happy to do. Connor was surprised when Jude decided to follow him inside. Jude had only been in the apartment once – when Connor had first moved in and it was Mikey's first time over. Jude and Connor thought it would be better if they were both present for it. As Connor headed toward his bedroom, he realized how sad the place must look; the only real personal touches were of, and from, Mikey.

Jude followed him, making no noise save for the pad of his footsteps. Connor tried not to think about his plain white walls compared to the homey panelled wood on their bedroom walls.

As if reading Connor's mind, Jude said dryly, "I like how you've decorated."

Connor opened his cluttered closet, pulling out a suitcase. "I'm a minimalist now."

"The exception being the closet?"

Connor thought about the area under the kitchen sink and the corner of the living room that had his desk in it. "Well, maybe not the only one."

He packed quickly but carefully, taking mostly casual clothes. He made sure to grab his briefcase, thinking that he'd call into work tomorrow and explain about a family emergency. Not only did he have vacation days piling up, but he could do a lot of work from home – working from home had been something offered to him before. His boss wouldn't fight him on this.

"Ready?" he asked Jude.

Jude nodded and led Connor back to the cab. The diver managed to make the fifteen minute drive in twenty-five minutes, which Connor didn't question too much. He'd started worrying about how Jude would feel about being at home and seeing the room where he'd attempt to kill himself. He glanced at his husband, but Jude was still locked in his withdrawn mask.

When they stopped in the driveway, Jude got out and went inside while Connor was still paying. Connor felt his heart leap into his throat and his fingers trembled as he tipped the driver and dragged his suitcase out. He rushed inside after Jude, abandoning his suitcase on top of Jude's sneakers.

"Jude?" The house was silent. This was too familiar. "Jude?"

Jude walked down the stairs. He had bits of rope in his hand. "Are you going to act like a babysitter?"

He continued onto the kitchen and Connor followed him. "I'm not your babysitter."

"Aren't you?"

"I'm your –" husband "– friend."

Jude dropped the rope dramatically into the garbage can. "We haven't been friends in a long time."

"Think of me like your butler. Not here to control you. Just here to keep you on the right track."

"I want chicken nuggets," Jude announced, preheating the oven.

"Fries too," Connor said.

Jude nodded. "Someone's coming to get Mikey's things soon."

"We should get that ready," Connor replied. Was Jude trying to be left alone so he could do something? Or was he just relating facts? Connor didn't know how much he was supposed to be reading into Jude's words anymore.

"He left his school things in his room on Friday," Jude informed Connor.

Then, tiredly, Jude walked back up the steps. Connor didn't comment on the fact that Jude curled himself into Mikey's single bed the moment they walked into his room. Connor packed Mikey's bag with school supplies and a few extra clothes. He knew Jude wanted Mikey home tomorrow but Connor would need to see what tomorrow looked like. If there was even the slightest chance of Jude needing to be taken to the hospital again, Connor wanted their son far away from that kind of emotional calamity.

"Come on," Connor prompted Jude to sit up. "Back downstairs."

"I'm comfortable," Jude said.

"We have chicken nuggets and fries to make."

"Cooking is a butler's job."

"I'd like your company."

Jude's chin lifted, but he didn't reply. He left the bed, though, and they went to the kitchen. Jude stubbornly sat on the counter as far away from the oven as he could get. Connor began to lay their food out on a pan. It was a little surreal that he still knew where everything was.

Not everything could change; not everything had to.

I don't own anything recognizable.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Never Say Goodbye, add backslash tagged backslash never dash say dash goodbye

~TLL~