"Tell me about you," Jude requested.
"You know me."
"Pretend I don't."
"All right. My name's Connor. I like the colour blue. I'm married to my job. And I've been told the only thing I'm not heartless toward is my six-year-old son, and, even then, I barely pull it off," Connor said all of this with a smile. He didn't want Jude to think he was saying it out of bitterness.
"I never really thought you were heartless," Jude murmured, remembering the argument. "I was just upset I no longer had a piece of your heart."
You do. You always have. "To be fair to you, I think that came after me saying you wanted me gone because you'd already found someone else."
"I didn't," Jude said. And then, "I thought we didn't know each other."
They could play that game, if it was what Jude needed. There was no point in picking at old wounds. This was only a brief interlude. It didn't change the hurt and it didn't change their separation. If Jude wanted to pretend for a moment their past wasn't their past, Connor could pretend right along with him.
"Then tell me about you."
"I'm a rodeo clown," Jude lied, but Connor didn't laugh.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"No." Jude leant his head back against the cupboard, heaving a sigh. "No."
"Anything you need?"
Jude's hands started shaking and he clasped them together. "No, I'm just glad you're here."
"I'm glad you're here," Connor said significantly. "We don't want to lose you, Jude."
He looked up. "What if I'm already lost?"
"Give us, all of us, a chance to find you."
Jude ran his nail along the counter. He opened his mouth to say something else, but the doorbell rang.
"Mom," Jude guessed. "Will you …"
"Sit in the living room while I talk to her?" Connor requested in return.
"I'm completely capable of sitting on my kitchen counter and still being alive when you come back."
"I don't know what I'm doing! I just want to make sure you're safe." Connor softened. "Please, Jude, humour me?"
"I spent a lot of years humouring you," Jude said, but he hopped off the counter anyway.
Connor made sure Jude was settled comfortably in his armchair and then he went to answer the door. He felt bad for making Stef stand outside for as long as she had been.
"Hey," he greeted her.
"Hi." Stef's eyebrows rose. "Where's Jude?"
"He's just in the living room."
Connor wished he could tell Stef about the day. Jude should have his family be able to support him. Connor understood why Jude wouldn't want people to know, and he wouldn't betray Jude's trust, but he wished that Jude had more than just Connor. Not because Connor didn't want to be there for Jude, but because he and Jude had had a canyon between them for so long that Connor was terrified of getting it wrong. He knew their failed marriage had factored into this. What if Connor's presence just took Jude back to the edge?
"Is he all right?"
"He's fine. We're …" Connor hated to lie to her. "Some new stuff came up and we're just trying to work through it. We didn't want Mikey to be caught in the middle of it."
Stef nodded in understanding. "We'll take Mikey for as long as you need us to."
"Thanks for that."
"Tell Jude we'll call sometime tomorrow," Stef said. She was peering past Connor, into the house, as if she could catch a glimpse of her son.
"I will."
"Bye, Connor."
"Bye, Stef."
There was a time that she would have hugged him farewell. Now, she just left, Mikey's bag clutched in her hand. Connor waited until she was safely in her car before returning to the living room. Jude hadn't moved, except to slump further in his chair.
"Comfy?"
"Not particularly." Jude straightened up. "What did you tell Mom?"
Connor explained the conversation he and Stef had, and added, "I know you don't want your Moms to know, but I think they should –"
"Connor –"
"I'm happy to stay here as long as you need me to. But we both know that we're not a couple. And you need to be safe after I move back to my apartment."
"I don't want to talk about this right now."
"I know. I don't want to push you but it's something that needs to be thought about –"
"Not now!"
"Okay, okay," Connor acquiesced. "Not now."
They just stared at each other for a moment. They were both caught up in what the other was thinking. The oven beeped, shattering the moment just when Connor thought he might have a chance at guessing what was going on in Jude's head. There was a time when Connor would have known right away. At some point he'd become comfortable in knowing Jude, and he'd forgotten about the fact that, even in his thirties, Jude was an evolving person, and Connor still had to continue getting to know him.
"Let's eat in here," Jude decided.
"Okay," Connor agreed, although they never ate in here. Or at least, they didn't when he lived here. If they weren't eating at the table, they ate in the basement, which was more of a family place. The living room was more of a presentation place or somewhere to gather when there were guests over.
Dinner was quiet. Connor sat on the couch across from Jude and they picked at their food. Connor thought of Mikey, whose bedtime was half an hour ago. Connor should have called him. He was probably confused. At this, Connor's gaze drifted to the light bruising on Jude's neck. Connor was confused too.
"Are you tired?" Connor asked when Jude was done.
"Always," Jude replied.
"Me too." Connor had to stifle a yawn. "Mikey woke up early this morning."
Jude nodded. "Bed is good."
Connor hesitated. "I don't think you should be alone throughout the night."
"Because I'm a child."
"Because I'm worried. You asked me to stay, and I'm just trying to do my best."
"Do what you want."
Jude heaved himself out of the armchair and Connor followed him upstairs.
"We're not sleeping in the same bed."
Connor had no delusions of that. He never would have asked. As Jude put on pyjamas, Connor went into the third bedroom of the house, though it had always been used as a home office. There was a blue futon in the corner. It was light enough that Connor could move it into Jude's bedroom by himself. He had to position the futon a little awkwardly at the end of Jude's bed, but that didn't matter.
"Are the spare blankets still in the closet by the bathroom?"
"Yeah."
Connor made his bed while Jude brushed his teeth. Finally, they were ready for bed. Connor flicked the light off and shut the door.
"Wake me up if you need anything."
"Night, Connor."
"Goodnight, Jude."
The futon was uncomfortable, but it had always been uncomfortable. Connor had spent a number of sleepless nights stretched out on it, stewing in his anger, while a room away, Jude did the same. As he tossed, Connor thought that the only plus side of the futon was the fact that his feet didn't hang over the edge. He decided that he was as comfortable as he was going to get and he drew the blankets up around his chin, just so that he could breathe in the scent of it. He and Jude bought the same laundry detergent, but his sheets at the apartment never smelled like this, and it calmed him.
Connor shifted more onto his side, staring at the wall. Sleep wasn't coming. His ears kept catching on every move that Jude made. Connor knew that Jude was asleep and that all of the movements he was hearing was just Jude sleeping restlessly. Even so, Connor worried. Jude could wake up at any time and what would he do when he woke up? Would he be safe? Would he hurt himself?
Connor worried until exhaustion forced his eyes shut.
(-.-)
Connor woke to a hand on his knee. His eyes jerked open and he sat up, confused for a moment. He blinked before focusing on Jude, who was sitting at the end of the futon. He looked very uncertain and awkward. The moment he saw that Connor was awake, he pulled his hand back, as if Connor had burnt him.
"I didn't know whether I should wake you or not," Jude said to the floor.
"That's what I'm here for," Connor assured him. "Is something wrong?"
Jude curled his arms around himself, never shifting his gaze. "I feel alone."
Connor reached out and rested his hand against Jude's bicep. "You aren't alone."
"I feel alone."
He was leaning into Connor's hand. Connor wanted to do more but he didn't know what the boundaries were anymore.
"Would you like a hug?" Connor asked.
Jude nodded and, in the next moment, Connor's arms were around Jude. Connor's heart began to ache uncontrollably as Jude pressed his face into Connor's collarbone and wrapped his arms around Connor's waist. It hurt because Jude still fit. His nose easily rested against the dip in Connor's collarbone and Connor's fingers still knew the path down Jude's spine – back rubs always calmed him. Connor's arms still remembered how to hold Jude; how warm he could be; and the rhythm of his breath. Though they had changed through the years, though there was a chasm between them now, though there was no going back, having Jude be right there was the only thing that mattered to Connor for a drastic moment, because the closeness to Jude made his world feel in balance, like it hadn't been for a very long time.
Jude shook and a sob escaped him. Connor returned to himself and reality, pushing away his heartache. This wasn't about him. It wasn't even about their relationship. This was purely about Jude.
"You're not alone," Connor repeated.
Jude tightened his grip. Between the crying sounds, Connor heard him yawn.
"How long have you been up?"
"I don't know!" Jude cried, as if the very act of answering the question was going to put him over the edge.
"Shh, it's okay." Connor rocked him back and forth, his hands carefully massaging Jude's back. "You need to sleep, though. We need to take care of you."
"I don't – I don't want," Jude hiccupped.
"Lay with me, then. Just so neither of us are alone."
Jude gave a barely perceptible nod and they lay down together. Connor pulled the blankets around Jude's shoulders, knowing that he'd likely steal them all anyway. Jude tucked his legs over Connor's so that he was lying diagonally. Otherwise, his feet would hang off the edge. Connor almost suggested going over to the bed, but it seemed too intimate. They had lain together in that bed before; sometimes with far better results, sometimes with far worse results. For tonight, the futon would do just fine.
"Thank you," Jude murmured.
"Whatever you need," Connor reassured him.
Jude pulled Connor's arm around him. Connor felt Jude's eyelashes brush his bicep as Jude closed his eyes, and then the room seemed to grow quiet. Neither one of them were close to sleep. Connor was too concerned with the way Jude's hair felt against his bare skin and he was wondering what Jude was thinking.
Jude awkwardly stretched and turned so that his back was against Connor's side.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah. The silence hurts."
"Then let's talk."
"About what?"
"Anything. Mikey?" Mikey would be easiest and it would remind Jude that he wasn't alone.
"I hope he's not too confused at Moms'."
"He'll be okay. He loves sleepovers."
"Did he do his homework with you?"
"Yep. I'm going to miss the poetry unit."
"He loves Shel Silverstein."
"I think I have Early Bird memorized."
"Let's hear it."
"Oh, if you're a bird, be an early bird
"And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
"If you're a bird, be an early early bird-
"But if you're a worm, sleep late."
"Sleep late," Jude finished with him.
"You can sleep in tomorrow. As late as you want."
Jude shifted his head, seeming to look toward the window. There was the faintest bit of grey light sneaking in. If Connor was someone else, he would've thought that was what Jude was looking at. But Connor was not someone else, and his own gaze fell upon the wooden beam that, mere hours before, Jude had been hanging from.
"Is it the room?" Connor whispered. "We can sleep someone else."
"I'm going to have to get over it eventually. It's just a room." His voice wavered and he didn't sound as confident as he'd probably intended. "I don't really want to sell the house."
"So we won't sell the house."
Jude nodded. "Connor?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have any other poems memorized?"
"Somebody has to go polish the stars,
"They're looking a little bit dull.
"Somebody has to go polish the stars,
"For the eagles and starlings and gulls
"Have all been complaining they're tarnished and worn,
"They say they want new ones we cannot afford.
"So please get your rags
"And your polishing jars,
"Somebody has to go polish the stars."
(-.-)
Despite his best intentions, Connor's body hadn't allowed him to sleep in. Jude was still fast asleep when Connor sat up, glancing at the alarm clock. He could have a quick shower and then call into work. Hopefully all before Jude woke up. Connor hoped that Jude would sleep for a long time; he needed a good rest.
When Connor got out of the shower, he called his boss from the bathroom, hoping to not disturb Jude. The conversation was a quick one. His boss was an understanding women, particularly after he explained the entire situation to her. She told him that he wasn't permitted to miss any of the scheduled meetings but, that, of course he could work from home for as long as he liked. Connor thanked her, and then went to check on Jude.
He opened the bedroom door was quietly as he could. Jude was already awake, however. He was standing underneath the beam of wood with his hand stretched above him. Even if he stood on his tiptoes, his fingers couldn't come close to grazing the wood.
"Jude?" Connor choked on his name.
Jude turned slowly. "It doesn't feel like it was me."
Connor reached for him, not knowing what to say. "It's time to take your pills, isn't it? And then we can make breakfast."
Jude nodded and he placed his hand in Connor's.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Connor asked, pulling Jude toward the kitchen.
"I don't care. I don't feel hungry."
"We'll see what you have."
Connor prepared a glass of water and handed the pills to Jude. He watched and made sure Jude took the antidepressants. Then, he turned to the fridge. Jude was getting low on groceries. Maybe they could do that this afternoon. A trip out of the house would be nice. Jude had his first appointment with Dr. Nadine today. Maybe they could go after that.
"We can make French toast. How do you feel about French toast?"
"I'm going to get a sweater." Jude jumped off the counter and Connor twitched. "Alone. While you make breakfast."
"Two minutes."
"I'm not a child."
"It hasn't even been twenty-four hours!"
"I'm going to be okay," Jude whispered, but neither he nor Connor fully believed it.
He left the room and Connor, as ordered, began to make breakfast. He moved as silently as possible, keeping careful ear out for Jude's footsteps. Jude only went to his closet and back again. Even so, Connor didn't relax until Jude was back on the countertop.
"How are you feeling today?"
Jude pinched the inside of his forearm. "I don't think I'm feeling anything."
"You see Dr. Nadine at four today."
"I know."
"We could go grocery shopping after. Find something good for supper. You always liked cooking."
Jude nodded. "Cooking makes sense."
"What do you feel like making?"
Jude thought about it. "Something for you … Do you still like stuffed Greek burgers?"
Connor smiled at him. "They'll always be my favourite."
He hadn't had them since their separation. He'd thought about making them and had even bought all of the ingredients once, but he'd turned them into something else instead. The burgers had been Jude's recipe and he'd always been the one to make them, only occasionally had Connor helped. On his own, Connor couldn't bear to make them, because what if they didn't taste the same?
Jude tucked his head. "We can make those."
"I'd like that. Come on, breakfast is ready."
Like the meal before it, this one was quiet. Jude barely ate, and Connor couldn't help but comment. Jude had given him a look and finished off one piece of French toast, as if to prove a point, but that was all he ate. The rest of his portion had to be thrown out.
"I'm going to shower," Jude informed Connor after they had loaded the dishwasher. "Do you need to watch me?"
In earlier years, Jude had said nearly the same lines, but flirtatiously. Connor could hear that tone as clearly as he could hear today's flat tone. He could imagine his past self, reaching for Jude, keeping his hands on his husband the entire walk to the shower, their clothes a hastily abandoned puddle on the floor. Connor's current self could only nod at Jude's words. He didn't know what else to do. Of course he wasn't going to watch Jude while he showered. That would be over the line.
"I'm going to use the office, if you don't mind. I don't want work to be too angry with me for the time off."
At the mention of the home office, Jude's expression darkened. "Whatever you want," he muttered dismissively.
Connor began to explain, but Jude had already turned his heel and left the room. Connor heaved a sigh and went upstairs, but Jude was already showering. They would have to talk after.
Connor gathered his briefcase and went into the office. He had spent most of the months leading up to the separation in the office, doing all of the paperwork he could manage to find and then some. As Jude was always quick to point out, however, Connor had done all he could to linger at his actual office building. Connor had never been able to argue with that. Somewhere along the way, home had become a tense place to be. He didn't know if he had started staying at the office late because it was tense or if it had gotten tense because he'd started staying late at the office.
He stepped into the home office. He hadn't taken much note of it last night, but in the morning light it was clear that the room was almost exactly as Connor had left it. He thought this was strange. He would have thought that Jude would want to reclaim the home office from him after he was gone, considering how much Jude had come to resent the amount of time Connor had spent in it. Connor was surprised that the room was still an office at all; not that they had never had any other plans for it. Perhaps a guest bedroom, if it were going to become something else. But it wasn't. The baubles Connor had left behind were still lined up along the desk; the pile of trucks Mikey played with in the corner while Connor was on call was still haphazardly in the corner; it was even dust free. Out of everything, this made Connor raise his eyebrows most of all. Out of all of the household chores, Jude hated dusting the most. It was always delegated to Connor, while Jude would put in effort elsewhere.
Connor walked around to the desk, sinking into the chair. It wasn't as comfortable as he remembered it being, and he had to spend a few moments readjusting himself before giving up. It didn't matter. He set his laptop up quickly, heading to his e-mail inbox. He was integral to the company, sure, but the odds that the apocalypse had happened in his absence were slim. Even so, it took the remainder of Jude's shower for him to reply to the things that had built up in his inbox over the weekend. It was his rule, when he had Mikey. He had lost his husband over his working tendencies. Connor wasn't going to lose his son too.
Connor looked up from his laptop screen as Jude stepped into the doorway. Jude looked around the room, a serious expression on his face. Then he said, "I stopped coming in here. Mikey still calls it 'Daddy's Room'. I think he still thinks you're coming back."
Connor looked at the keyboard of his laptop. "We told him –"
"He's a kid," Jude interrupted, a sharper edge to his voice than necessary. "He's hopeful. I can't blame him."
Connor didn't know what to say to that, but Jude was finished talking. He did walk into the office then, though. He settled himself into the armchair by the window; the one that was too old to be entirely comfortable. Connor had often thought about asking for it from Jude – it had been Adam's, before Adam had passed away, and it had been one of the few things Connor had kept of his father's. Connor had never requested it. He figured Jude would pack it up and hand it over, once they had settled everything. To simply ask for a chair would have been too strange in Connor's mind.
"He's an insightful kid," Connor said, bringing his mind back to Mikey. "He told me on Friday that you were sad all the time."
Jude closed his eyes. "I don't want to hurt him."
Connor whipped his chair around to face Jude. "What did you think you being dead was going to do?!"
"I –"
"He loves you. He loves you so much. He would have missed you for the rest of his life! How is that fair!? You wouldn't have been there to see him get his driver's licence or graduate or anything. You wouldn't have gotten another Christmas. Hell, you wouldn't have even seen him turn seven. And that was okay with you!?"
"N-N-No-No." Jude couldn't help it. He was crying again; he had curled at the waist and was heaving great terrible sobs.
"I would have spent the rest of my life trying to explain you to him! Trying to remind him of how you sounded and how you felt and letting him get to know you as a person instead of the father of a six year old!"
"I –"
"And what about the rest of us!? Your moms, Callie, Mariana, Jesus, Brandon? What about your nieces? Everyone loves you, Jude! How could you possibly think we'd be okay with losing you!? We don't want to lose you!"
"C-C-Co-Con-Con –"
Connor stood up and went to crouch in front of Jude's chair. He needed to see his husband's face. He gathered Jude's trembling hands in his own and looked into his tear-soaked eyes.
"You have a lot of people who are willing to help you. To be there for whatever you need. None of us would ever think any less of you if you reached out for help, particularly about something like this. Your family loves you. Mikey loves you. I love you."
Jude's shaking hands stilled in his own.
"I'm always going to care about you, Jude," Connor said quickly. He'd given far too much away. "After all we've been through together, I could never stop caring about you."
Jude pulled away from Connor, retreating into the recesses of the chair. He contorted himself into the fetal position, pressing himself against the chair back. Connor hung his head. He'd gone too far.
"Jude, I'm sorry."
"It's not my fault!" Jude screamed at him suddenly. "I didn't …"
"Didn't what?"
"Didn't want any of this!"
"What do you want, Jude?"
Jude grew still and he seemed to sink even further in on himself. "I wanted … I want things to be good."
"Things can't be good if you're gone," Connor whispered.
Jude managed to deflate further.
"Are you going to let us save you? Are you going to help us save you?"
"You can't tell –"
"I'm not. I won't. But … I want you to think about doing it. Your family can only help you."
Realization rushed across Jude's face. "You don't want to help me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been forcing you to stay and –"
"No, you're not," Connor gently interrupted Jude's stuttering monologue. "I want to be here."
Hesitantly, Jude reached out and traced Connor's jawline. "Why?"
"I care about you. I want you to be as happy as you can possibly be. Just because I'm not the person who's going to bring you that happiness doesn't mean I don't want you to have it."
"I want you to be happy too," Jude whispered. "Are you happy?"
"Yes," Connor lied. "Let's focus on you, okay?"
"Okay."
They spent the rest of the time leading up to Jude's appointment sitting on the couch, watching TV. It was a relaxing time, although Jude remained rather stony faced through most of it. Connor had asked what he was thinking a few times, only for Jude to promptly dismiss him and his concerns, saying that he was just tired. The closer they got to Jude's appointment time, however, the better that Connor felt. Jude needed to talk to a professional. Connor could only do so much for him.
When they got into Connor's car to go to the doctor's office, Jude was rubbing his throat.
"Does it hurt?" Connor asked. There was a very slight amount of bruising appearing on Jude's neck.
Jude shook his head. "No. I was just thinking."
"About what?"
Jude rested his head against the car window. "Mikey's going to notice."
"We'll just tell him it's because you're sick."
"What if he mentions it to someone?"
"Then it's because you're sick. We'll tell his teachers that you're ill and the doctors are still trying to diagnose you."
Jude took a deep breath and then asked, "Do you think … would anyone be mad … maybe Mikey should stay at Moms one more night."
"Sure. If you need one more day, we can take one more day. This is about you, Jude."
"I don't want to let anyone down."
"You're not."
"He'll be disappointed in me."
"He loves you."
Jude didn't reply to that.
They arrived at Dr. Nadine's. As they walked into the office together, Connor said, "Maybe I'll go see him, though. While you're in your appointment. Unless you want to go with me afterward."
Jude shook his head.
"Too much?" Connor guessed. "That's okay."
They had just settled onto one of the homey loveseats in the outer office when Dr. Nadine appeared. She was a tall woman, almost into her fifties, with long hair that was still a bright blonde.
"Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens?" she called, and Jude stood up. "Hi, I'm Dr. Nadine."
"Hello," Jude responded.
"I'll see you in an hour," Connor said before the two walked into the main office.
"Bye," Jude said half-heartedly.
Connor didn't move until Jude was out of sight.
The two poems that Connor recites are by Shel Silverstein. Lately I've had several people ask if I will be moving my stuff to AO3 and the response is, no. At this time my content will only be available on fanfiction.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket
(Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions)
~TLL~