Connor parked his car close to the soccer field, easily picking Mikey out of the crowed of players. His hair shone like a beacon in the late September sun. He was standing in one of the large goalie nets. He had his two best friends, one on either side of him, though they were probably supposed to be chasing the ball. Chris and JP didn't look like they were talking to one another, which wasn't unusual. Connor had gotten to know the two boys well over their yearlong friendships with Mikey. They were twins, but they were definitely not identical. Chris looked a lot like their Minnesota born father, while JP took after their Filipino mother. They only had two things in common: their height and their complete adoration of the aging book series, Harry Potter.

Connor continued scanning the field to pick out the boys' beloved, though slightly exhausted, coach, who was standing on the sidelines. Connor wondered how Coach Roberto did it. He taught elementary gym all day, coached three after school sports with the same elementary school kids, and ran weekend tournaments once a month. The kids adored him, which was fortunate on all counts, but he was adored by all the parents as well.

Connor glanced over at Jude, who appeared to be shrinking into the passenger seat. "I'm going to go talk to Coach."

Jude, who had been fiddling with his seatbelt looked up. "Why?"

"Mikey likes him. Coach sees him a lot. You know, if Mikey gets upset by anything, he might confide in Coach. And if I talk to Coach now, he'll look for it."

"Okay. But I'm going to stay here." Connor looked at him and Jude rolled his eyes. "What am I going to do?"

"I don't know! That's what scares me!"

"I'll be right here, like this, when you get back."

Connor nodded and climbed out of the car, heading to the field.

Coach grinned as he approached. "Hey, Connor."

"Hey, Coach."

"You're early," Coach said, double checking his watch.

"I needed to talk to you about Mikey."

Coach took his eyes off the first graders to raise his eyebrows at Connor. Concern in his voice, Coach asked, "Something wrong with him?"

"No, no. But his father and I –"

"Yeah," Coach interrupted. "I was sorry to hear about you separating, as I said. But Mikey's seemed about the same, if that's what you're worrying about."

"Kind of." Connor put his hands in his pockets, watching Mikey kick the ball into the middle of Chris's back. "His father – and this is just between you and I – but he's, um, sick. The doctors are trying to diagnose him. Uh, in the meantime, I'm staying at the house. I'm just worried about confusing Mikey."

Coach looked sympathetic. "I'll keep an eye on him for you. If you want, I can talk to the other staff."

"We don't want it to be common knowledge," Connor said quickly. "Where we don't know what it is, we haven't even told Jude's family yet."

Coach nodded. "Just tell me if you need anything."

"Thanks."

"All right!" Coach yelled, projecting his voice over the field.

On cue, the kid closest to the ball picked it up. Then, they all rushed to Coach, swarming around him. Connor stepped out of the way as Coach said his parting words, which included a few soccer tips, a few more compliments about their playing, and a reminder to not leave the field until their parents removed them from it.

Mikey ran up to Connor as soon as Coach was done. "Hi, Dad. I was goalie today! Did you see?"

"I saw! Do you like goalie?"

"Yeah! But it gets lonely." Mikey scuffed his foot on the ground. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do I get to go home today?"

Connor nodded. "And, like I promised, we're going to talk to you today and explain things to you."

Mikey's grey eyes grew suspicious. "We?"

"Father and I."

"Oh."

Connor frowned and crouched down to look Mikey in the eye. "You don't sound very happy about that."

"Last time you and Father talked to me, you moved out." Mikey chewed on his bottom lip, a habit he had picked up from watching Jude. In a scared sort of whisper, he asked, "Are you giving me away? Do you not like me because you and Father don't live together anymore?"

"No, no, no," Connor assured him quickly, hugging him tightly. He felt Mikey hug him back just as strongly. "We told you that we love you more than anything. Nothing's ever going to make us want to give you away. Not when we are so happy to have you."

"But, Dad –"

"No buts," Connor interrupted. "We love you more than anything. You're our son and we're not giving you away."

"Okay …"

"Do you want to give us away?"

"No!"

"Then it's agreed? We'll keep each other?" Connor asked seriously.

Mikey nodded and then, looking very serious, he offered his pinkie to Connor. "Agreed, Dad."

Connor made the promise. "Can you do something for me?"

"Yep!"

"Father's in the car. When you see him, I need you to give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him, okay? He's not feeling very good, but that'll help him."

"He's sick?"

Connor nodded. "He'll be better soon. We just need to help as best as we can, right?"

"Right!"

Connor straightened up and walked with Mikey to the car, although Mikey had more of a skip in his step than Connor did. When the front of the car came into full view, Connor was relieved to see Jude sitting up, although he was reaching toward the dashboard, as if he were playing with the radio. Mikey raced ahead of Connor up to the car and opened the passenger door, climbing inside to sit on Jude's lap. Connor watched as Mikey wrapped his arms around Jude and then Connor laughed as he saw Mikey start to talk, his words flying at hundred kilometres an hour. Connor almost hated to interrupt the moment to open the driver's side door.

"And I only got one question wrong in math today!"

"That's really great!"

"Father?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry."

"We can eat up supper when we get home," Jude assured him.

"There's Greek burgers," Connor mentioned.

"Yes!" Mikey pumped his fist into the air, which surprised Connor. "We haven't had those in forever."

"Hopefully you still like them, then," Connor joked.

"Fries too?" Mikey asked Jude.

"Sure," Jude said. "Why don't you climb in back so we can head home?"

Mikey froze and then he looked uncertainly at Connor. "We're all going home?"

"Yes," Jude said. "Is that okay?"

Mikey nodded. He didn't say anything else. He just climbed over the console and into the back. Connor watched carefully as Mikey buckled himself in.

"All right?" Connor mouthed to Jude.

Jude nodded. He pulled his sun visor down, but not to block out the evening sun. Rather, he was inspecting his neck. Connor almost said something, but Mikey was with them now, and he needed to be more careful about it. Mikey was too young. There was too much that he just couldn't understand. And Jude didn't want anyone to know, which Connor had to respect.

"Music, please!" Mikey requested.

Jude turned the radio on and they drove home to the poppy sounds that Mikey danced to, as best as he could strapped to his seat. When they got home, Mikey put his backpack away and unpacked his lunchbox. Then, rather than running off to play as he usually did, he sat in the corner of the kitchen, staring at Connor, who was lying fries out on a baking sheet. Jude was sitting up on the counter. All three were quiet, which was out of the ordinary. Connor found himself putting music on, just to fill the silence.

"What do you want on your burger?" Connor asked.

"Just ketchup!"

"You got it!"

The silence followed them to the table, where Jude sat, only picking at his food. Connor could tell that Mikey was getting impatient with the silence and he thought about what to say and where to start. But it was Mikey that finally took the initiative and looked at Jude.

"Are you sick?"

Jude hesitated and stared down at the fry that he had been playing with. "Yes. But the doctors are going to make me better."

"Doctors?" Mikey's voice went high.

Connor knew that Mikey wasn't scared of doctors, but Connor could imagine how this was working in his head. Mikey had never been seriously ill. Doctors were just for check-ups and the occasional worry about strep-throat. Whenever he had the flu, it was always Connor and Jude who took care of him. What kind of serious sickness must be plaguing Jude that he would need doctors to help him?

"I'm going to get better," Jude assured him.

"What kind of sick?" Mikey asked.

Jude glanced at Connor, who scrambled to find something to say.

"The doctors are still trying to find out," Connor said carefully, gauging Jude's expression with every word that he said. "Which is why I'm going to be staying here for a little while. Just to help you and Father and make sure everything is okay."

"Just for a little while?"

Connor nodded. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yes!" Mikey grinned but then he looked at his father again, concern on his face. "When are you going to be better?"

"Soon, hopefully." Jude reached over and ruffled Mikey's hair. "Don't worry. I'm going to be okay."

Mikey looked troubled, though, and he left his chair to climb into Jude's lap. Jude held him tightly.

"Can I help?"

"You do. Just by being you."

"Does Dad help?"

Connor met Jude's eyes as Jude peeked at him from between the bright red strands of Mikey's hair. Slowly, Jude nodded.

"Yes. Dad is very helpful."

Mikey tightened his grip. Connor could see his thin arm muscles struggling to hold onto Jude as tightly as he could. Jude was holding him back just as tightly. Connor wanted to reach out and put his arms around them both. As if Jude were reading his mind, he let go of Mikey with one hand to gesture Connor forward. Connor didn't wait. He abandoned his chair and his dinner to wrap his family up in his arms.

"Please feel better soon, Father," Mikey begged.

"I already do," Jude whispered, and he kissed Mikey's temple.

Connor hoped that was true.

(-.-)

That night, Connor woke up just after four in the morning. He sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders. He blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the dark room. What had woken him? Had Mikey wandered in from his own bed, where he had been tucked in many hours before? But, no. His son wasn't in his room. But Connor's heart leapt into his throat, because Jude was nowhere to be seen either. He leapt from the futon, his eyes scanning the rumpled comforter that had been thrown to the side. He checked the master bathroom, but there was nothing. Quietly, Connor rushed into the hall. He couldn't wake Mikey, not now. But the other bathroom was empty and so was the office.

Connor stuck his head into Mikey's bedroom as an afterthought before rushing down the stairs to see if Jude had done anything drastic with kitchen knives. But he should have thought things through and checked Mikey's room first. Jude was tucked into the corner of it, looking strangely small for a man of his height. Carefully, Connor stepped across the slightly squeaky floorboards. Mikey tossed and Connor froze, but the young boy eventually relaxed against his pillows again.

When Connor crouched in front of Jude, he noticed the tear stains on Jude's face.

"I didn't want to miss anything," Jude confessed in a whisper. "You said it. I could have missed everything and that's not what I wanted. That's really not what I wanted."

"Come on. We're going to wake him up. He'll be here in the morning and we can help him get ready for school. You're not going to miss anything."

Connor held out his hands to Jude and Jude grabbed onto him. When Connor stood up, their hands remained linked. Connor didn't know if it was through Jude's will or his own, but he didn't even think about letting go. They went back to their room, and then Connor laid Jude down on the futon with him. Jude clung to him and Connor whispered words of comfort, unsure of what he could do past that. He hoped Jude took comfort from it and from him.

Finally, Jude fell asleep, just an hour before they would have to get up and get Mikey off to school. Connor didn't even try to sleep. He didn't even think about closing his eyes. Instead, he stared at Jude, asleep in his arms with drying tear tracks on his cheeks. This was his husband. This was his best friend. This was the boy that he had known for twenty-four years and had loved for nearly exactly as long. And yet, Connor didn't know him. Connor no longer understood Jude's life and motivations. But he wanted to. He wanted to know the ins and outs of Jude again. He knew where he had gone wrong before. He knew where they had gone wrong. And, yet, he knew that he wouldn't get that chance at all.

He kissed Jude's forehead. In the dawn light, all that Connor wanted to confess trembled on his lips; all of the apologies that he should have said and all of the I-love-you's that he had accidentally skipped. He wanted to say that he missed Jude. That he missed the two of them being together and that he missed hearing Jude's voice and his thoughts on things and that he wanted to be curled up next to Jude on the couch, listening to Mikey sing along to yet another Disney movie. He wanted their life back and he wanted to tell Jude that he thought that they should fight for it. But he couldn't, because Jude just needed his support as a person right now, and Connor loved him enough to be that person for him. And Connor couldn't, because Jude didn't love him anymore.

Jude shifted slightly in his sleep, tucking his head closer to Connor's chest.

Connor nuzzled his cheek against the top of Jude's head and just held on tightly to him. And then, the word dripped from his mouth. "Stay."

"Stay," Jude whispered back.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"I thought so too." Jude reached up and threaded his fingers through Connor's. It was an easy, natural movement and Connor's heart leapt.

"You should sleep."

"So should you," Jude retorted. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you want me to stay?"

Connor found himself touching Jude's neck. Jude didn't move as Connor's fingers travelled across his skin, sometimes crossing the line of bruising, sometimes steering free of it. "Because no one wants to lose you."

Jude wriggled backward, slightly out of Connor's grip. "I –"

Connor waited, but Jude never got further than that. Jude's teeth clicked together as he shut his mouth and then he rolled back into Connor's side.

"Knock, knock," Jude said.

"Who's there?"

"Cows go."

"Cows go who?"

"No," Jude corrected. "Cows go moo."

Connor laughed. It wasn't really funny enough for the guffaw that exploded out of his mouth and he buried his head against the softness of Jude's t-shirt. Still chuckling, he managed to ask, "Where did you hear that?"

"Mikey told me before he went to bed," Jude confessed. His fingers trailed down Connor's side. "I wanted to see if you would laugh."

"Did you?"

Jude nodded. "It's a cute joke."

"It is a cute joke." Connor did his best to think of one to return with, but the he could only think of the most annoying knock-knock joke in existence. "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

Jude sighed, but still asked, "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

Another sigh. "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

A slightly longer sigh. "Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

Since Connor wasn't in the mood to torture Jude, he said, "Orange."

Jude didn't sigh this time. "Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

"So glad," Jude replied, shaking his head at Connor. "You have no idea how happy I am."

Although his tone was sarcastic, the words caught at Connor. "Are you happy? Even a little bit."

Jude paused. "Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Hopefully today isn't as bad as I think it will be either."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I want to be happy. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Of course." Connor ran his thumb over Jude's knuckles. "Everything counts for something."

Jude wasn't really listening to him, though, Connor could tell. Something in Jude's own thoughts had managed to capture him and Connor had lost him.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"What if I never feel that easy happiness again? What if it's always work?" Jude swallowed. "That's what I'm scared of."

"I don't think you want to hear me tell you happiness is a worthy fight, right?"

Jude shook his head.

"One day at a time, maybe? Everyone's allowed to have good and bad days. And the antidepressants won't start working fully for a couple of weeks, isn't that what the doctors said?"

"Yeah."

"And they could be a big help."

"I shouldn't need them. I didn't need them before."

"Don't say that. It's not bad to need them."

Jude still had a look of shame on his face.

"It's just like the fact that I'm going to need to get glasses soon."

"Glasses and antidepressants aren't the same thing," Jude said quickly.

"Aren't they?" Connor countered. "They're both to help our bodies work as best as they can. It would be like if you broke your leg and needed crutches. They're just to help."

Jude closed his eyes.

"You have to take them."

"I will." Jude's eyes opened again. "I don't want to die."

"But just a few days ago, you did. And I'm still scared."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry," Connor said. "You just need to be safe."

He kissed Jude's knuckles and a tear slid down the side of Jude's face. Jude twisted away from him to flip onto his other side. Before Connor could reach out or say anything, the alarm clock started going off. Jude sat up immediately, dropping Connor's hand.

"You go wake him," Jude said, "and I'll start breakfast."

"Okay," Connor agreed, and then Jude was gone out of the room so quickly it was like he was trying to run away from Connor.

Connor went to Mikey's room and crouched down by his bed, gently shaking Mikey's shoulder. "Come on. Time for school."

"No," Mikey mumbled into his pillow.

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's October today."

Connor chuckled. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Mikey opened his eyes. "School only happens in September."

"Nice try."

"So I can stay home today?"

"Not that nice. Come on. Father's making breakfast."

"What if I ate breakfast in bed?"

"What if you got out of bed?"

Mikey didn't like the sound of that. "But, but, but …"

"Want a piggy back downstairs?"

"Yeah!"

Mikey was suddenly awake as he jumped on his dad's back. Connor carried him downstairs, where a bagel had just jumped out of the toaster.

"Peanut butter or jelly?" Jude asked Mikey.

"One on each side, please!"

Jude prepared the bagel as Connor lowered Mikey to the floor. Jude handed the plate off to his son, who skipped off to the dining room. Jude gathered Mikey's school bag up and began to pack it, making sure that he had his pencils and notebooks, and then sliding his lunch in.

"Mikey, do you have music or gym today?"

"Music!" he answered Jude.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Connor told him.

"Sorry," Mikey muttered, crumbs spraying over the table as he spoke.

"Time to get dressed or you're going to miss the bus," Connor warned.

"K!" Mikey stuffed the remainder of his bagel into his mouth and raced off up the stairs.

Connor watched him use his arms and legs to conquer the steps and then he went into the kitchen, where Jude had made him a cup of coffee. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jude replied formally.

"I forgot how chaotic school mornings always feel," Connor said.

"It's not as bad now that I'm not getting ready for work too."

"Getting laid off isn't the end of the world," Connor said, hearing the pained tone in Jude's voice. "We'll work something out."

Jude sighed. "Sure, Connor."

"Hey, Dad?" Mikey shouted before appearing.

"What's up?"

Mikey looked concerned as he reminded his dad, "It's Wednesday."

"We're still going to go to the park," Connor assured him.

Mikey looked hesitant. "Father too?"

"Yeah," Jude agreed. He looked happy that Mikey wanted him included. "Father too."

"Yes!"

Connor held out his backpack. "Bus time."

Mikey slung the bag over his shoulders and then he hugged both of his parent's goodbye. They followed him out to the front porch and stood watch as Mikey stood at the end of the driveway. He didn't like them to wait with him because he 'wasn't a baby' but Jude and Connor didn't feel completely safe letting him go by himself yet, even though it was only the end of the driveway. They were the protective sort.

It was strange to stand next to Jude and drink their coffee, keeping an eye out for the bus, however. Usually at this time of the morning, Connor had already left the house to head to work – his office was twenty minutes further away than Jude's – leaving Jude to complete this morning ritual alone. Connor found that he liked this a lot more than he imagined he would. It was a good way to start the morning; waving goodbye to Mikey as he climbed on the bus and then sitting down on the comfortable porch swing to finish off their drinks.

It was exactly how their morning went and, in the warm sunlight, Jude and Connor settled next to one another, sipping at their drinks as the yellow school bus pulled away.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket

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~TLL~