"So, the park after school," Jude began.
"Yeah. We were going to go this weekend but it rained. And Wednesdays are usually when I see him again, so …"
"If you ever want to see him more often, you know you can," Jude said.
"I know. We'll see what things look like when I go back to the apartment."
"Mhm," Jude said quickly. He turned toward Connor and asked, "So … what do we do today?"
"What would make you feel better?"
Jude thought about it. "Well …"
"Well?"
Jude shook his head. "I don't know."
"We should do something. Do you want to go out somewhere or stay home?"
"Stay home."
"We could …" Connor trailed off. Something other than sit on the couch and watch TV. What was there to do at home? "Clean."
"Clean?" Jude's tone was flat.
"There's always something to do. We can put on some happy music, you can dust …"
"You can dust," Jude fired back with a growl.
"And you can vacuum."
"I haven't been doing good with keeping up with the cleaning," Jude admitted. "I should have but I didn't. I just … couldn't."
"You did fine. I know you were trying." Connor made his next words bright and cheerful, hoping to keep Jude from dwelling. "Do you want to start from the basement and work our way up or start upstairs and work our way down?"
Jude stood up, taking in a deep breath. "Downstairs. Let's start in the basement."
Cleaning managed to take most of the day. Or, rather, they made it take up most of the day. They put on loud music and barely talked, but Connor couldn't keep his eyes off Jude for most of the day. Jude seemed to like the cleaning. Connor could see how there was something good in knowing exactly what to do and how to do it. There was always something cathartic about putting the world back in order. By the time the clock turned two and they had to leave to get Mikey, they had managed to clean most of the house. The only room left mostly untouched was Mikey's. Keeping his toys put away was his own responsibility.
"Do you want to drive?" Connor offered just before they left.
"No," Jude said, walking out the door.
Connor grabbed his keys and followed Jude out the door. Jude seemed to deflate as he climbed in the passenger seat.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"Stop asking me that!"
It was the first Connor had asked today. He didn't know how to respond to it, so he just put the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway, while Jude crossed his arms angrily over his chest.
"I don't know what else to say," Connor finally said.
"I'm just getting sick of hearing it. I'm not okay. That's the problem. If I were okay, then nothing ever would have happened and life would be good again but it's not and it never will be. I never will be!"
"You don't know that. We talked about this morning."
"And I thought you were full of it this morning too!" Jude yelled.
"Jude –"
"Don't." Jude's voice had dropped considerably. "I don't want to hear it."
"What if you need to? I need you to know that things are going to be good again and that this is going to pass. You said you didn't want to die this morning!"
"I don't! But living is hard. You don't understand!"
"I'm sorry for that!" Connor cried.
"I'm not," Jude said bluntly. "I don't want you to have to understand. But please stop asking me if I'm okay because it makes me feel like I have to be and I don't know how to be and I don't want to disappoint you anymore."
Connor waited until he had pulled into a parking spot at Mikey's school so that he could look Jude in the eye as he said, "You've never disappointed me."
"I know that's not true," Jude mumbled, chewing on his bottom lip.
"It is."
"Our marriage is over. That's not disappointing?"
"It is. Of course it is. But … that's not you, Jude. That's you and me and a whole lot of mistakes. It wasn't as if you set out to destroy us. We tried and in the end we couldn't do it. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But," Connor fished around for words, but just found himself saying, "That's not all on you, Jude."
Jude shook his head. "You should go in and get Mikey."
"You can't avoid things forever," Connor warned him.
"Just today."
Yeah, Connor thought, and then he went into the lobby of the school, where the kids who were getting picked up waited for their parents. Connor signed his son out at the front desk, and then they went back to the car.
"Park?" Connor asked to double check.
"Park," Mikey confirmed with a nod.
"How was school?" Jude asked as Connor started driving.
"What's a 'tit'?" Mikey asked.
"Why?" Connor questioned.
"'Cause JP called Jake a tit when Jake made fun of Chris for puking in the frog tank."
"A tit is slang term for a woman's breast," Jude explained.
"Oh." Mikey thought about it. "So it's a bad word?"
"It's not a respectful word," Connor said.
Mikey accepted this, and then he moved on. He leant forward as far as his seatbelt would allow and managed to touch Jude's shoulder. "Do you feel sick today, Father?"
"I feel good today."
Mikey grinned at him. "Oh! My tooth came loose at recess! Look! Look!" He shoved his tongue against his bottom row of teeth and, sure enough, one tilted forward slightly. "When do you think it's going to come out?"
"Sooner rather than later, if you keep playing with it," Connor replied.
"Good! I love it when my teeth come out!"
Connor laughed. "What are you going to do when you're done losing them all?"
"Uhm … I can get adult teeth out! Don't worry about it, Dad!"
Jude burst into laughter and Connor's heart leapt with delight at the sound.
"You know adult teeth don't grow back, right?" Connor questioned.
"Grandma Stef has to take her teeth out every night."
"Those are fake teeth. Dentures," Jude said. Stef had lost most of her front teeth after a horrible run in with suspect who had managed to hit her with a baseball bat.
Mikey's eyes went wide. "I can get fake teeth? I want fake teeth!"
"No," Connor told him. "You need to keep your real teeth. That's why we brush our teeth in the morning and at night."
"Dad, fake teeth! Can I get dog teeth? Cat teeth? No! Dinosaur teeth! I want dinosaur teeth!"
"You're keeping your real teeth."
"Dad!"
"Yeah, Dad," Jude joined in on the teasing. "Dinosaur teeth are so cool."
"So I can pull my teeth out, Father!?"
"No."
"But –"
"Your teeth are the best teeth for you."
Mikey slumped back in his seat and crossed his skinny arms over his chest. He looked out at the playground and declared, "Maybe I'll get lucky and knock all my teeth out today!"
"Mikey," Connor started warningly, but Mikey had stopped listening.
The car had been turned off, so the little boy knew that it was safe to unbuckle his seatbelt and open his car door. In an instant, he was sprinting his way across the green fields of the park over to the swing set. It was no secret that the swings were Mikey's favourite part of the park. Connor and Jude followed at a more leisurely pace. The park was mostly empty today, which wasn't surprising. The day wasn't a particularly nice one. It hadn't rained, but the clouds obscured the sun, threatening to unleash poor weather at any moment.
"Father! Can I have an underdog?" Mikey yelled.
Jude immediately quickened his pace to get to Mikey. He grabbed the edges of the swing and pulled Mikey backward as far as his long arms allowed him, and then he pushed forward with all of his might, running underneath of Mikey.
Mikey let out a whoop and began to pump his legs, trying to maintain the height that Jude had given him. Connor sank down on the swing next to Mikey while Jude circled around again to give Mikey a few more pushes.
"I'm going to kick the sky!" Mikey yelled, throwing his legs upward. "Watch me!"
"We're watching!" Connor told him. He looked up as he felt a wiggle on one of the swing chains. Jude had grabbed it. "Do you want to swing?"
"Do you need a push?" Jude asked.
Connor nodded and faced forward, feeling Jude's warm hands on his back. Jude pushed him slowly at first, only nudging him along. Then, Connor felt himself swinging. He had to tuck his legs under himself to avoid scraping them along the ground – it was a swing made for a child, after all.
"I'm going to beat you, Mikey."
"No way!"
"Watch out," Jude warned, taking over the final swing on the set. "I'm going to beat you both."
"No way!" Mikey repeated, throwing his spindly legs around in an effort to keep himself flying.
"Way," Jude and Connor replied in near-unison.
Connor glanced at Jude out of the corner of his eye, but Jude wasn't paying him any attention. Jude had his eyes closed and his face tilted backward so that he was fully facing the sky. There was a definite smile at the corners of Jude's mouth and it made Connor smile.
"I'm going to jump!" Mikey called out.
"Don't hurt your –" But Connor didn't have a chance to finish the warning, because Mikey was airborne.
He landed without a problem and bounced onto his feet. He turned to face his parents and gave them a double thumbs up.
"Ten out of ten!" Connor applauded him.
Then, on Connor's either side, Jude also jumped from his swing. Jude landed capably on his two feet.
"How did Father do?"
"Ten out of ten!" Connor said.
"Your turn!" Mikey told him.
Connor took a deep breath. He hadn't jumped from a swing in years and he was worried about how it would hurt. But then he took the leap, bracing himself for impact, and the ground was much softer than he had anticipated being. He straightened up, dusting off his palms.
"How did I do?" he asked Mikey.
"Eight out of ten," the six-year-old said critically.
"What? I thought I did a good job!" Connor protested.
"Nine out of ten," Jude said.
"You're both plotting against me!"
"Prove it!" Mikey dared him, and then he grabbed Jude's hand and took off with him toward the slides.
Jude easily kept up with the boy's brisk pace, and he looked over his shoulder at Connor. Connor was giving the two a head start so that Mikey would think that he was winning. When they were near the slides, Connor took off, stretching his legs as best as he could. He still went to the gym regularly, but speed was never one of his strong suits. Mikey had already climbed to the top of the tallest slide when Connor skidded across the pea stone, grabbing onto Jude to help slow himself down. Jude didn't move as Connor grabbed onto him.
"Nice job catching us," Jude said sarcastically.
"Hey, I caught you," Connor countered. He put both of his arms around Jude's waist, squeezing him.
"Not always," Jude muttered, and then he broke free of Connor's grip.
He stepped just out of Connor's reach, and Connor allowed his arms to fall back to his sides, feeling as if he had done something wrong. He looked upward to see Mikey hanging over the side of the jungle gym, staring at the two of them. He waved at his son, the feeling of guilt waving over him again. It would only confuse Mikey to see him holding onto Jude. Mikey was priority. Always.
"How's it going up there?" Connor called up.
Mikey stuck his tongue out at Connor and then jumped from the platform he was on to the one below. He crawled into the orange tunnel and Connor walked underneath of it. He had to stretch upward to touch the bottom of the tunnel, but he could reach. He knocked on the bottom of the tunnel. He heard a scrambling sound and he followed it, knocking all the way.
"Where's Mikey?" he called. "Jude, do you know where Mikey went?"
"I have no idea," Jude replied, sneaking across the pea stone.
It was a feat that was easier said than done, as he had to place every foot carefully to avoid making noise with the gravel. He went to the end of the tunnel that Connor had chased Mikey to and contorted himself so that, by straightening his knees, his head would pop up at the entrance. Connor knocked once more, bringing Mikey to the end of the tunnel. Jude popped up with a dragon's roar. Mikey squealed in surprise and Connor heard him crawling swiftly toward the other end. Connor was able to beat Mikey there. He popped up, just as Jude had, and Mikey shrieked again. Caught between his two parents, Mikey crawled to the middle of tunnel and sat there, arms and legs crossed.
"You can't reach me!" he taunted in a sing-song voice.
It was true. Connor's broad shoulders would never fit into the child's tunnel. Jude, though far thinner, would never fit either. Connor stretched his arms in the tunnel, but he couldn't even come close to reaching Mikey, which made a satisfied smile cross the child's face. On the other side of the tunnel, Jude drummed his fingers on the plastic.
"You can't reach me!" Mikey repeated.
"I'll get you!" Connor warned.
"No!" Mikey shrieked. "You can't!"
"I'll protect you," Jude promised him.
Mikey immediately took the offer and scrambled down the tunnel to Jude and into the safety of his arms. Jude hugged him for only a second before Mikey climbed onto Jude's back.
"You can't catch us, Dad!"
"I can!"
Jude sprinted off, Mikey's legs clinging to his waist and Mikey's arms tight around his neck. Mikey looked over his shoulder to see Connor running after them.
"Faster, Father, faster!"
As Jude hit the soft ground of the field, rain drops began to fall from the sky. Quickly, they and the ground became soaked. It was a warm rain, though, and Mikey seemed to delight in being outside in the weather. The boy used one hand to push his soaked hair out of his eyes.
"Father, he's right – Oh, no! Dad, are you okay?"
Connor had slipped on the muddy ground, crashing onto his knees and completely dirtying his jeans.
Jude spun around mid-step. "Connor?"
"I'm fine!" Connor stood up, staring at his hands. "I'm the mud monster now!"
"I wanna be a mud monster!"
Mikey slid from Jude's back and tossed himself on the ground, digging his fingers into the grass and pulling up a clod of it. He rubbed his dirty hands on his face and roared at the sky. Jude sat down cross-legged on the ground.
"Can you use mud as face paint?" he asked.
Mikey nodded. "Yep! Do you wanna be a tiger?"
"I'd love to be a tiger."
Mikey worked diligently to smear mud across Jude's face, even though the falling rain thwarted his artistic genius. With one final swirl across Jude's face, Mikey announced, "Done!"
"How do I look?" Jude asked.
"Very cute," Connor complimented.
"Your turn!" Mikey announced, stretching his dirty fingers toward Connor.
Connor leant away from Mikey's outstretched hand. He wasn't as accepting as Jude was of having mud on his face. Mikey wasn't deterred and leapt onto his dad. Connor tumbled back onto the grass, feeling his back become soaked and dirty.
"A puppy? A butterfly?" Mikey asked. "What?"
"Butterflies," Jude decided for Connor. "Butterflies are good."
"But –"
He didn't get a chance to protest anymore, because Mikey was suddenly painting at one side of his face while Jude painted the other side of his face. It didn't take them long to create a pattern across Connor's face. Connor scrunched his face up. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.
"Don't ruin it!" Mikey cried.
"Yeah. Don't ruin it," Jude agreed quietly.
Connor felt Jude's fingers rubbing the top of his head. It was soothing for the two seconds before Connor realized that Jude was following Mikey's lead and covering him in more mud than necessary.
"Hey!"
"Hey!" Mikey echoed Connor. The little boy jumped to his feet and raced away. "Can't catch me!"
Jude and Connor were on their feet in a moment, racing after their son. Connor knew that Jude could have easily outpaced him, but Jude kept next to him. Mikey wasn't a fast runner by any means so Jude and Connor weren't worried about losing sight of him. He looked like he was running toward the car anyway, as if it were going to be a safe hiding spot. When they caught up to Mikey, he was crouched by the passenger side.
"No! You can't find me!" he said, scrambling back to his feet.
"Too late, you're found," Jude said, catching Mikey in his arms as Mikey tried to continue the game. "And shivering."
"I'm not cold," Mikey tried to protest, but his teeth began to chatter as he realized he was, in fact, cold.
"Come on. A warm bath and supper is just what we need." Connor opened the back door of his car and realized that three of them were going to ruin his car seats with the amount of mud on them. He thought about saying something but realized it didn't matter. They were just seats. He could covers for them. It was worth it for a moment of rainy, muddy fun with his family.
"I had a bath yesterday. I don't need another one."
"I beg to differ, swamp monster," Connor replied. He got into the driver's seat and cranked the heat up.
"Swamp monsters are cool."
"You're a little boy," Jude said.
"I can be both. I can be whatever I want to be. You and Dad always say that."
Connor laughed. "He's got us there, Jude."
"We'll see who's laughing when we throw him in the tub."
"That'll hurt," Mikey commented and Jude laughed again.
By the time they got home, though, Mikey was looking forward to the bath. While he didn't mind being dirty, he found that he very much minded the feeling of mud when it dried. Connor sent Jude off to the master bathroom to shower first, while Connor helped Mikey get clean. He turned on the shower, just to get the majority of the mud off, and then he ran a bath, adding Mikey's favourite bubble bath to it. Once the skinny boy was happily settled in the bubbles, rubbing goosebumps off his skin, he also began to talk.
"I don't understand grown-ups."
"Grown-ups don't understand grown-ups either," Connor assured him, grabbing a facecloth from the hall closet. He could do some damage control before his shower. "What don't you understand about us?"
"Grandma Stef and Grandma Lena love each other."
"Right."
"And they're married."
"Right."
"You and Father are married."
"Right."
"But you're not going to be married anymore. So you moved out."
"Right." Connor put his facecloth down and went to crouch by the tub. Mikey was right so far, so his question had to be coming up soon.
"But you moved back in."
"Mikey, we told you that it's only temporary. Just until Father gets better."
"When I'm sick you and Father take care of me. Why doesn't Grandma Stef and Grandma Lena take care of Father when he's sick?"
Connor tapped his fingers on the white porcelain siding of the tub.
"They're his moms, right? Like you're my dads?" Mikey knew he wasn't wrong.
"Right. They are." Connor didn't know what to say. He didn't want to shatter Mikey by saying that parents weren't always what a child needed; he was six and Connor didn't want to alienate him from Jude and himself, particularly with the separation mess they had found themselves in. Right now, Mikey needed to fully believe that parents were able to be completely counted on. "Father is trying to protect them."
"Grandmas are tough."
"They are. They're very tough. But … sometimes we try to protect the people we love, even when the people we love are tough. Father depends on Grandmas, just like you depend on us. But now that they're all grown-ups, Father depends on Grandmas in a different way than you depend on us. Is that confusing?"
"Yes," Mikey replied, wide-eyed.
Connor drummed his fingers more quickly. "Okay. You know how when you were a baby, you needed us to change your diaper and feed you?"
"Yes."
"But now that you're six, you're out of diapers and you can feed yourself?"
"Because I'm a big boy, not a baby."
"Right. Well, Father is thirty-six, so he needs his parents for different things than he did when he was six. Does that make a little more sense?"
Mikey squinted at him. "A little."
"But?"
Mikey gathered bubbles up toward his chin and created a beard before answering. His voice was a little more than a whisper, "But you moved back in."
"I know. And I know that's confusing to you –"
"You act the same!" Mikey burst out.
"What does that mean?"
"You act like you love Father. And I know Father still loves you. Dad, I know it."
"Father and I still care about each other, but that doesn't mean that we're in love. There's a lot more to love than just acting a certain way. I know how this looks to you. I know it's confusing. But I'm just here as Father's friend."
"Don't lie to me!" Mikey yelled.
"Whoa, whoa."
Connor looked over his shoulder to see Jude standing in the doorway of the bathroom.
"Why are we yelling?"
"We're a little confused on why I moved back in," Connor explained in a low voice.
"I'm not confused! You're confused!" Mikey yelled. "Why does being a grown-up make you so stupid!?"
"Hey, that's not a nice word," Connor chastised him.
"I don't care what you think!"
Jude put his hand on Connor's shoulder. "Why don't you go shower and let me talk to him?"
Connor was reluctant to walk away from the conversation where it was so important, but Mikey also dismissed him.
"I want Father."
Connor uncurled himself from the cold bathroom tiles and stood up. He lingered out in the hallway for a moment to eavesdrop on the conversation. At first there wasn't much to hear, except for the sloshing of water as Jude helped Mikey out of the tub. Finally, Jude spoke.
"Do you want to tell me why you were yelling at Dad?"
"I'm not a baby. I can understand things."
"We know that," Jude soothed him.
"Dad doesn't."
"We know you're a big boy. But sometimes we try to protect you because that's what parents do."
"Will you tell me the truth?"
"Always. What do you want to know?"
"Everything," Mikey whispered.
"That's a big request. Where do you want to start with that one?"
"Is Dad going to move back out?"
"Eventually."
"Why don't you love him anymore?"
Jude was quiet. "Your dad will always mean a lot to me and I care a lot about him. Love isn't a feeling that just disappears –"
"But it did, didn't it?"
"Not exactly. It's hard for me to explain because it's hard for even me to understand. Dad and I will always be friends with each other and we'll always be your parents, okay? We love you most."
"That doesn't answer anything."
"You want the truth, Mikey?"
There was no verbal response and Connor imagined his son nodding.
"Sometimes there's no answers. I know that sounds scary but it isn't, not really. It's just a part of life."
"I don't think I'm going to understand that until I'm a real grown-up," Mikey sighed.
Jude chuckled softly. "No, probably not. Come on, let's go get your PJ's."
Connor snuck away quickly, hiding himself away in the master bath. He turned the shower on as hot as he could make it and then stepped under the steaming water, not caring that his skin turned red in response. His mind was tumbling over Mikey. He felt so sorry for his son, because he knew that it was confusing, and Connor knew that there was no real way to make that better for him. But more than that, Connor was stuck on Mikey's insistence that he and Jude were still in love with one another. It was a child's wishful thinking, obviously. When his own parents divorced, despite being old enough to know that they were better apart, Connor had still indulged himself in fantasies of his parents reuniting and the three of them being a happy family. That was what Mikey was going through now.
It was Connor's own wishful thinking in hoping that his son was right; in hoping that Jude still loved him too. Living apart from Jude, it was easy for Connor to sit and think back on their marriage and then come to the conclusion that, as much as it hurt, it would have hurt more for them to stay together. But now, being back with Jude and being with him every day and seeing what Jude as a person was like, versus the memory of Jude, Connor couldn't contain himself anymore. He was still in love with Jude Adams-Foster-Stevens. His heart still desperately needed the skinny man that had somehow become a shell of his former self, but Connor loved all of Jude anyway. And he knew that he always would. It wasn't a lingering feeling of love that one retained for a spouse and friend that they had put so much into. It was full on, completely embroiled love.
And he was sorry, so sorry. Because he could have tried harder. Could have done more when he still had the chance to.
"Get it together," Connor told himself. "Get it together. This isn't about you."
It was about Jude. It was about their son. Connor had been selfish a lot. Now, he needed to be as selfless as any saint.
"Get it together," Connor said one last time.
He had to.
Announcement! So, for those of you who are NSG readers, you'll be familiar with this! Playlist. HIMP is getting its own playlist! So, send me in any songs that remind you of HIMP and I'll add them to the playlist! Starting next week, one song will be released per week and, at the end of it, there were be a tumblr playlist and a youtube playlist if you want to check those out!
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~