The weekend passed in a lazy blur. The most noteworthy thing that they did was make smoothies on Saturday, and that was because Mikey hadn't put the lid on the blender correctly. Monday morning, however, was not a good morning. Connor should have seen a rough day coming, since Jude hadn't had one in a really long time, but he had been optimistic that maybe they had disappeared completely. He left Jude, tucked in bed, and turned the alarm off. Jude buried his head under the pillow as Connor left the room, waking Mikey.
As he was used to, Connor gave Mikey a piggy back downstairs. The dark kitchen, however, gave the boy pause.
"Where's Father?"
"Father feels sick this morning."
"Is he going to be okay?"
"Of course he will be. You can go and give him a kiss before you head off to school, all right?"
"Kisses help!" Mikey said with confidence. "Can I have Dino Eggs for breakfast?"
"Yup!"
Breakfast and getting ready for school went easily, although Connor could tell that Mikey was worried about Jude. The entire time they were in the kitchen, he looked toward the stairs, as if Jude would walk down them. Jude hadn't missed a breakfast time since Connor had moved back in with them. There had been mornings where he hadn't been able to do anything but sit on the kitchen counter and watch Connor and Mikey get the day in gear, but he had been there.
Connor sent Mikey to get a few pieces of Halloween candy to go in his lunchbox. When he came back, he dropped all but one of the candies into his box.
"This one's Father's favourite," he said, leaving it on the kitchen counter. "I want to give it to him."
"I'm sure he'd really like that. Let's go brush your teeth and get your clothes on."
"Can I wear my knight's helmet to school?"
"No, I don't think that's a good thing to wear to school."
"What about my sword? Can I take my sword?"
"No, you can play with it when you get home."
Mikey sighed as he tugged a t-shirt over his head. "You're no fun."
"Sorry, I'll try to do better." Connor kissed the top of his head. "Go give Father a kiss."
Mikey approached Jude's bedroom door quietly. He knocked a couple of times and then opened it slowly, calling out for Jude as he did so. It was such a practiced thing that Connor, standing in the hallway, felt like he was being thrown back in time, to just before Jude's suicide attempt. He thought of Mikey, six years old and coming home from school to a father who just wanted to sleep. Connor went to stand in the doorway as Mikey placed the small piece of chocolate on the nightstand next to Jude's head. Connor was glad that Jude didn't ignore Mikey. He reached out from under the blanket to hold Mikey's hand.
"Dad said you feel sick."
"I'll feel okay soon," Jude whispered.
"I brought you chocolate."
"Thank you. Have a good day at school."
Mikey kissed Jude's cheek. "I love you, Father."
"I love you too." Jude hugged Mikey tightly. "See you when you get home."
"See you."
Mikey skipped away from Jude, although he looked reluctant about it. Connor herded Mikey down the stairs, and as he zipped up his light autumn coat, Connor crouched in front of him.
"I don't want you to spend all day worrying about Father."
Mikey's gaze landed on the staircase again.
"Mikey, listen, Father's going to be fine. There are good days and bad days, and today is just a bad day. But I'm going to be here and taking care of him. He's going to be just fine."
"When will he stop being sick?"
"Hopefully soon. But brain sickness can take longer to heal than body sickness, so we need to be patient."
Mikey nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. "I want him to get better."
"He is. I promise. Try to just focus on your schoolwork today, okay?"
Mikey nodded. "Okay, Dad."
Connor walked Mikey outside and remained on the porch, watching as the bus picked him up and carried him off to school. Connor hoped that Mikey really didn't waste all of his energy thinking about Jude today. Connor would do that more than enough for the both of them. Connor went back inside. He made a brief detour to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker. Then, he went upstairs to check on Jude, who had burrowed himself so thoroughly in the comforter that he was completely camouflaged.
"Are you awake?"
Jude didn't respond, but the blanket mound moved.
"Do you want coffee right now?"
"No."
"All right. I'm going to be in the office if you need me."
Jude didn't respond.
Connor worked the morning away. He heard Jude get up once to use the bathroom, but then Jude immediately returned to his bed. At twelve-thirty, Connor decided that he had to get Jude up. Lying in bed all day could not be healthy. Connor was willing to indulge Jude's tendencies to want to be curled up in a ball somewhere when Jude had actually done something that day. Jude had done nothing today. It was a good time for Connor to take a lunch break anyway.
Like Mikey had earlier that morning, Connor knocked on the door before entering.
"Jude? It's lunchtime."
Jude's head was lying on Connor's pillow and he stared at Connor from that perspective. His eyes were very quiet and closed off today.
"Why don't you come downstairs and eat with me?"
"Not hungry."
"I know. But I'd still like you to come downstairs with me. Please."
"Stay here."
"I know you want to, but it'll be good to get out of bed. It'll be nighttime and you'll be back in it soon enough."
"No."
"Please." Connor sat on the edge of the bed next to Jude. "Please."
"There's no point. I don't do anything anyway."
"Yes, you do. Come on. I know getting out of bed is a small thing to accomplish, but it's still an accomplishment. You must be missing your coffee. That's a good enough reason to get out of bed, right?" Connor tried to smile, but Jude didn't smile back. "Please come downstairs with me."
Connor reached out and tried to take Jude's hand as a sign of comfort, but Jude jerked away from him.
"Don't touch me."
"I'm sorry. I promise I won't again."
"Leave me alone."
"I don't want to do that."
Jude pulled the blanket over his head.
"Mikey's going to be home in a couple of hours. I think he and I were both hoping you'd be out of bed by then."
"No."
"Think of Mikey, Jude."
"I don't want to think."
"I know. I know it's hard for you sometimes, and I know that I don't know how to help as well as I should, but staying in bed isn't the answer. I know it's not. Please, come eat something. You don't have to talk to me or anything, but I'm really just trying to take care of you."
The blanket around Jude seemed to constrict.
"Please?"
Jude sat up slowly. He kept the comforter curled around him as he made his way downstairs. Connor followed, relieved that Jude had left his bedroom. Before following Jude, Connor opened the blinds and cracked the windows open to get some fresh air into the room. Though he would try his best to keep Jude from curling up in bed again, Connor knew that it wasn't a guaranteed win for him. Jude might end up back there.
When he got downstairs, Jude had turned on the coffee maker, and then had promptly sat on the counter. Without saying a word, Connor prepared Jude's coffee for him and put it into his waiting hands.
"What do you want to eat? A sandwich? A muffin? What?"
"I don't care."
Connor made himself a sandwich and then he prepared a muffin for Jude, cutting it in half and putting butter on it, just as he liked it. Jude would be more likely to eat something small.
"Let's go to the table."
Jude kept a tight hold of his coffee mug and his blanket as he shuffled to the table. Jude picked at the muffin slowly, but Connor didn't comment on the speed that he ate at. It was something. Jude finished his muffin and coffee and they just sat there at the table. They didn't say anything or look at one another.
"Is there anything that you want to do today?" Connor asked, although he knew that there wouldn't be.
As expected, Jude shook his head.
"Maybe a shower? Change your clothes? That might make you feel a little better."
"Maybe," Jude agreed. "Yeah. I'll shower."
He left the table. Connor cleared up the lunch dishes and carried them into the kitchen. He loaded them into the dishwasher and heard the water start upstairs. Connor took his time puttering around the kitchen, taking comfort in the small little activities. Bad days weren't just hard for Jude. They made Connor feel helpless and sad, too. He wanted to do more for Jude, but he couldn't do anything but be there for him. There was no such thing as a complete and total fix, and Connor knew that's what he was searching for.
It was just difficult to compare last night to this morning. Last night, when Jude had fallen asleep against him, with a smile on his face, because yesterday had been good. Jude had said so himself. Connor was sure that tomorrow would be better than today, because things always went up and down, but he still didn't like to see Jude struggle.
Connor wiped down the counter again, reminding himself of something that he had read on the internet when he was trying to figure out how to best be there for Jude. It was not his job to keep Jude happy, because that wasn't how depression worked. He couldn't make Jude be happy; nothing and no one could make Jude be happy.
Connor heard the water shut off. Jude had taken a quicker shower than Connor thought he would have. Connor headed upstairs, fully expecting to find Jude in bed, albeit wearing different sweatpants. Instead, he found Jude in old jeans and an older t-shirt, sitting in Adam's armchair.
"I assume you still have work to do," Jude said as Connor walked into the office.
"Yeah, some."
Jude still had the comforter around his shoulders, and he adjusted it before saying, "I'll sit with you."
"Thank you."
Connor settled back into what he had been reading, while Jude put on another documentary. This one was a forensics show, and Jude was only on the third episode of the first season. They had three seasons to go. Connor found himself spacing out in order to listen to how blood analysis worked in the 1980s. He was disappointed when Jude had to pause the show in order to answer his phone.
"Hello? Hi, Mom … I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night."
Connor gave Jude a sharp look, but Jude tucked his head in response to it. The two of them knew that Jude had slept like a rock last night.
"How are you? …. Oh, really? … No, Mikey's seemed fine." Jude moved the phone away from his mouth. "Connor, Mikey hasn't looked sick to you has he? Mom and Marley both have the flu."
Connor shook his head. "I haven't noticed anything."
"He's been fine. We'll keep an eye on him, though … Tell Mom I hope she feels better … I love you too." Jude hung up the phone. "Mariana's panicked about Marley being sick."
"Why?"
"Because Carla's been around Marley, and Mariana's still paranoid about Carla getting really sick. Not that I blame her."
"If Mikey had been born as premature as Carla was, I'd be paranoid too."
Jude stared at him. "You were paranoid anyway."
"Just because you were able to handle everything near-perfectly doesn't mean you can tease me for overreacting to everything," Connor joked, even though he knew that Jude wasn't really in the mood for it.
It was true, though, while Connor constantly felt like he had no idea what to do with the three-week-old they were fostering, Jude had taken everything in stride, calmly and easily taking care of Mikey. Looking at Jude now, Connor had to wonder if it had just been apathy. Had Jude already been fighting depression? No. Connor pushed that thought from his mind. Jude had been happy then; they had been happy together then.
"You were great from the start," Jude whispered. "Really."
"Thanks, although you were a little better."
"No."
"Jude?"
"Mmm?"
"Just take the compliment."
Jude pulled the comforter over his head and hit play on his TV show again. No sooner had he done so, than they heard the front door bang open.
"DAD! FATHER!"
"In the office!" Connor yelled back.
He heard the scrambling sound that was characteristic of Mikey on the stairs, and then the boy flung himself into the office. His bright eyes lit upon Jude and he jumped into his father's lap. Jude helped shed him of his backpack, jacket, and shoes, even as Mikey began talking.
"Do you feel better, Father?"
"A little bit. How was school?"
"Mrs. Hanselmann is gonna have a baby!"
"That's your librarian, right?" Connor asked, and Mikey nodded.
"She told us 'cause she had morning sickness during library period today but that doesn't make any sense because library was our last period before going home."
"Morning sickness is just the name of it," Connor explained. "It doesn't have to happen in the morning."
"That doesn't make any sense," Mikey repeated. "What show are you watching, Father?"
"A show for grown-ups."
"I'm not a baby!"
"But you are a boy, not a grown-up."
"Someday I'll be a grown-up."
Jude cuddled him. "But right now, you're still just our little boy."
Mikey sighed. "You and Dad are always gonna call me a baby."
"We don't call you a baby," Connor pointed out. "You're just our baby."
Mikey sighed heavily.
"Hey," Jude said, remembering something, "You haven't been feeling sick, have you?"
Mikey sat upright, looking alarmed. "You told me that brain sickness wasn't catch-able!"
"It isn't. Marley and Grandma Lena have the flu. We just want to make sure you're not getting sick."
"I won't get sick, I won't!" Mikey crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. "I hate being sick."
"It's not fun at all," Jude agreed. "Did anything else happen at school today?"
"I got to play goalie in gym again! I like goalie! Even if it's for floor hockey and not soccer."
"That's fun," Connor said. "What about Chris and JP? What do they play?"
"JP likes to run around, so sometimes he plays, um, forward. But Chris doesn't like to run around so he always plays defence so he can talk to me."
"Are you being a good goalie if you're talking?" Connor asked.
"I only let one shot in!" Mikey exclaimed. "We won."
"That's really good," Jude praised him.
Mikey looked satisfied with himself. "Father, can we colour?"
"Okay," Jude agreed.
"Can we eat Halloween candy while we colour?"
"A few pieces," Jude agreed. "Go get your colouring books. I'll meet you at the table."
"Or in front of the TV?" Mikey suggested, looking hopeful.
"Sure. I'll meet you in front of the TV."
Mikey left the room to go and gather his things. The moment he was gone, Jude seemed to deflate, and he took a deep breath.
"Are you okay?" Connor asked him.
Jude pulled the comforter tight around him. "I don't want him to see how much is wrong."
"He understands that you're sick."
"I don't want him to have to understand."
"He knows that you're trying, Jude. That's enough for him. That's enough for all of us. You don't have to pretend. We're all going to have to be there for you, no matter what."
"I just want to protect him."
"I know. You're doing okay, Jude."
"Am I?" Jude asked.
"Yes."
Jude stood up. "I don't know."
"And that's fine too. Can I come downstairs with you guys once I finish this?"
Jude nodded. "Of course."
"Awesome."
Jude left the room, the comforter billowing behind him like a cape. Connor focused on his work, getting through it as quickly as possible. The last thing he did before being able to head downstairs was confirm to his boss that he was still attending the meeting on Friday morning. Then, he went downstairs to join his family.
Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's song is: I Go To Sleep by Sia (reader recommended).
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~