Connor woke before Jude the next morning, though not long before the alarm went off. He laid there, staring at the white ceiling. Jude hadn't wanted anything to do with him last night at bedtime, so Connor had gone to sleep on the futon. Sometime between midnight and now, however, Jude had curled up next to him, and had managed to do so without waking Connor up. Connor turned his head to look at Jude, hoping that today went better for him.

The alarm blared and Jude opened his eyes. He looked bright and alert as he stretched out along the futon, his toes falling off the end and his fingers curling around the top.

"I like it a lot better when we sleep in bed," he commented, rolling his shoulders.

"Sorry, but I was exiled to the futon last night," Connor teased him.

"Sorry," Jude apologized immediately. "I'm sorry or being difficult yesterday, really, I don't know what I –"

Connor held his finger up to Jude's lips. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize for how you feel."

"Thanks," Jude said. "Now, up, we have to get Mikey."

Jude bounced from bed, but Connor sat up more slowly. "Do you actually feel good today or are you just trying to make it look better than it is?"

"Why can't it be both? Isn't 'fake it 'til you make it' a thing?"

"Pretty sure that's referring to self-confidence and not mental health," Connor replied.

"Whatever works." Jude shrugged. "But, today feels like a decent day. Really."

Connor still wasn't sure that he believed him.

"Trust me, Connor."

Jude held his hands out and Connor took both of them. Jude was warm and solid. He pulled Connor upright and Connor shivered as his bare soles touched the cold hardwood.

"I do trust you."

Jude smiled at him, and Connor felt confident enough to lean upward and kiss Jude on the cheek. The stubble along Jude's cheeks itched at Connor's lips, but Connor didn't mind a bit. He felt Jude's hands tighten on his own and, when Connor looked at Jude's face again, he was relieved to see that Jude's smile looked wider.

"Let's go get Mikey started for the day," Connor said.

Jude agreed and he let go of Connor. Connor was reluctant to lose the warmth of Jude's hands. Jude went downstairs while he went and shook Mikey awake.

"I'm tired."

"I know. But you have to go to school."

"Argh." Mikey hid his face under his pillow.

"Father's downstairs making breakfast. I'm sure he's got something really good down there."

This caused Mikey to sit up. "Is Father feeling better today?"

"Let's go ask him."

Mikey crawled up onto Connor's back and the piggy-backed downstairs. Jude was making scrambled eggs this morning. Connor felt Mikey straighten up against his back.

"Good morning," Jude told him.

Mikey hid back against Connor's shoulder. He said, "good morning" in a very low voice.

Connor turned his head. "Mikey? Is something wrong?"

"I don't understand," Mikey whispered.

"What don't you understand?" Connor asked.

"Father."

Jude took the now cooked eggs off the hot burner and walked over to Connor and Mikey. Mikey didn't shrink away from his father, but he didn't reach for him either, which was strange to Connor. Mikey was an affectionate kid, particularly with Jude.

"What's confusing?" Jude asked him again. "You call tell me anything, you know that."

"Why …" Mikey started, but he didn't seem to have the words to articulate he was feeling inside. "You were really different yesterday. Like before Dad came back."

"I'm sorry –"

Mikey interrupted Jude. "How does brain sickness work? The flu makes you throw up and colds makes you sneeze. But what does brain sickness do?"

"Brain sickness affects how you act. It affects your mood. Sometimes it affects how you think." Jude bit his lip, and Connor was sure that the two of them were thinking the same things. How much should Jude say? He held out his arms to Mikey. "Come here."

Mikey reached back and Jude picked him up off Connor's back. Jude settled Mikey on the counter so that they could talk better. Connor stepped away from the two of them to lean on the opposite counter. He didn't want to interrupt, but he wanted to be here if either Jude or Mikey needed him.

"This might sound a little bit complicated, but I'm going to try and explain it the best that I can. You deserve to understand."

Mikey looked serious. "I'm listening."

"In your brain there are chemicals and those chemicals make your brain work."

"That sounds really cool!"

"It is really cool," Jude agreed. "In some brains, the chemicals aren't there or the chemicals don't work right. That's what causes brain sickness."

Mikey was touching his head, mussing up his already chaotic bedhead. "How do you know if the chemicals don't work right?"

"You won't feel right. Like how you know when you're getting the flu. But you go to a doctor to get them to check."

"You have medicine," Mikey said solemnly.

"I do have medicine. The doctor gave me medicine. It helps my brain chemicals work like they're supposed to."

"Does the medicine work?"

"Brains are very difficult. There's a lot to them."

"They look like mush on TV!"

Connor had to interrupt. "What have you been watching on TV that has brains?"

Mikey rolled his eyes. "Scooby-Doo, Dad. Duh!"

Jude shrugged, and then turned his attention back to Mikey. "There's a lot going on in that mush, though. Some days you feel better than others, right?"

Mikey nodded.

"Ups and downs are natural. But when you have brain sickness, they're more extreme, so the bad days look really bad and the good days look really good. Does that make sense?"

Mikey was still nodding, following Jude's logic. "But?"

"But?" Jude repeated.

"Why don't you just take more medicine on bad days?"

"Too much medicine can be bad for you. It's always best to follow the instructions, especially when they're from a doctor." Jude smiled at him. "But the bad days haven't been around that much, have they?"

Mikey shook his head.

"I'm getting better, Mikey."

Mikey looked up at Jude. "You can do it, Father!"

"I can do it because you believe in me." Jude kissed his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude helped him off the counter. "Are you hungry?"

"My tummy's growling!"

"What about Dad? Is Dad hungry?"

"Dad!" Mikey yelled, as if Connor weren't still in the room. He stood up on the counter, looking over Jude so that he could see Connor. "Are you hungry?"

"Of course I'm hungry."

They decided to make toast to go with their eggs. Once it was all made and Connor was making plates up, he happened to glance at the clock.

"I think we're going to miss the bus."

At Connor's words, Mikey broke into a celebration dance. "No school for me! No school for me! No school for me!"

"No, you're still going to school," Connor told him.

"But I missed the bus," Mikey said smugly. "How can I go to school?"

"Dad and I can drive you once you're ready. You won't even be late."

"Darn," Mikey cursed, and then he stomped from the kitchen into the dining room.

"He might be a little late," Connor whispered to Jude.

"Maybe. But we're not telling him that," Jude joked, and they joined Mikey in the dining room.

By postponing their morning coffee and allowing Mikey to speed brush his teeth, Connor was able to get Mikey to school on time. Jude had opted out of the fifteen minute drive, saying that he wanted to shower and that he'd have coffee ready for when Connor got home. On the drive, Connor quizzed Mikey lightly.

"Did you understand everything that Father told you this morning?"

"Yup!"

"Does any of it upset you?"

"No."

"Do Father's bad days upset you?"

"Yes."

"I just want to make sure that you know that Father's bad days aren't influenced by anything else."

Mikey kicked at his seat. "What do you mean?"

"That Father's bad days come whether or not he wants them to. That no one can make Father have a good day or a bad day. Nothing happens that makes it a bad day."

"I know it's not my fault," Mikey informed him, sounding a lot older for a moment.

"You see right through everything, don't you?" Connor asked, smirking at Mikey in the rear view mirror.

"Yup!" Mikey said proudly.

Connor pulled into the student drop-off zone behind the elementary school, where Coach Roberto was supervising children being dropped off. He would make sure that they got from their parents doors through to the front door of the school.

"Have a good day at school!"

"Bye, Dad. Love you."

"I love you too."

Connor watched Mikey romp through the front doors, and then he waved goodbye to Coach, who had noticed him before he drove off. Connor switched radio stations as he drove home. He felt anxious to get home. It wasn't because he thought that Jude was up to anything or that he thought something was going wrong in his absence. Rather, he was just looking forward to sitting on the porch with Jude and having morning coffee. It was something that was ridiculously simple – after all, they spent most of their days together, so why should a cup of coffee matter this much to him? – but it did. It meant a lot to him. It was one of the big differences that Connor had noted on his part when he compared Jude and him now to how they were before he moved out all of those months ago. Back then, Connor never would have paid attention to how much a cup of coffee could mean. It was only the big gestures that he paid attention to, and he had never felt like Jude had made any. Jude could have been trying in those last few months, but Connor had no idea.

When Connor pulled into the driveway, Jude was already sitting on the porch swing, and Connor could see a mug of coffee waiting for him on the railing. Connor turned the car off and just sat there for a moment, smiling at Jude, who was sipping tentatively at his hot coffee. Connor grinned at the sight, because he was in love with Jude and just looking at him made Connor happy and they had a date on Friday and how could he not smile? Jude finally looked up from his drink to gesture Connor up onto the porch. Connor left his car. He gathered up his cup of coffee and sat down on the porch swing next to Jude. Before they said anything, he took a long drink from his coffee. It was the perfect temperature and had the perfect balance of cream and sugar.

"Mikey get to school okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Jude readjusted himself on the porch swing so that he was facing Connor. "There's something that we need to talk about."

Jude sounded so serious that Connor straightened up. "What?"

"About this … date … on Friday."

Connor felt his heart constrict and his mouth went dry. "Why? What about it?"

He wouldn't blame Jude if Jude changed his mind about going on the date. He knew that the idea of it was stressful for Jude. It might be too much, too fast. It was only the beginning of November. They had only really been in each other's lives again since the end of September. But Connor really believed that if Jude decided he wasn't ready now, then he would be later. Things were good, and that wasn't all in Connor's head, and Jude had said that he thought that he was still in love with Connor. Connor was clinging to that.

"I don't know how you're thinking about it," Jude said, "but in my head I'm kind of seeing it as a new start. Like … we're really going to try."

"That's how I'm thinking about it too," Connor promised him. "I really want you and me to work. I promise."

"But," Jude said, and then he looked down into his coffee mug, unable to look at Connor. "In order to do that, I think we should talk about where we went wrong, so that everything's on the table."

"That makes sense. Do you want to do that now?"

Jude nodded. "Yes."

"Okay." Connor took a deep breath. "I'm not sure where to start, though."

"I never cheated on you," Jude said, heat in his voice. "You always said it, and I still don't know why, but I never did."

"I know that. I think that I said it because I was jealous –"

"Of who?"

"Anyone!" Connor blurted out. "We were in such a bad spot that I hated anyone who had a better relationship with you than I did, which, wasn't hard, because we were hardly speaking. And, really, it was easier to blame the downfall of us on some unknown co-worker than … us. I didn't want to take responsibility."

"Neither of us wanted to take responsibility," Jude admitted. "The break-up of a marriage is a hard thing to take responsibility for."

"I never really thought that you were cheating. It just seemed like the thing to say. I just wanted you to feel as horrible as I did, because you seemed to be fine, and I hated that."

"I wasn't fine. I hated you when you didn't talk to me and I hated you when you did. For a while, I thought that you stopped seeing me as a person. I was just … Mikey's father. That guy who hung out in your house. I felt like less than a roommate. And then whenever you tried to start a conversation, it just felt like you were trying to placate me or humour me. And you were out of the house a lot. I didn't know what to do about that. I felt alone a long time before you moved out."

"I know that I was at the office a lot. I know I worked a lot. I told myself that I was doing it for you and Mikey, so it was okay. But I was ignoring the fact that I was doing it so that I wouldn't have to be at home. I want you to know that when I said I was at the office, I was always at the office, and that there wasn't anyone there that I was hanging behind to see."

"I never thought that," Jude murmured. "I always trusted that you were where you said you were. But why did you feel like you had to stay away?"

Connor shrugged. "I just felt like I wasn't welcome here anymore. It was strange to look at you, because I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't know what to say to you anymore. I didn't feel like you wanted to talk to me. You were a stranger to me, and I hated that. I've known you since we were thirteen. I've loved you since we were thirteen. How was it possible that you were a stranger?"

"I wanted to be. I think our problems started because we stopped talking to each other, and then we stopped knowing how, and then we never tried to start again."

"I can agree with that. Jude, there's something else that I need to know."

Jude looked at him, worried. "What?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself? Was it me leaving or … How did it start? How did it get to that point? I'm sorry, but I still don't understand."

Jude chewed out his bottom lip and then he held his hand out to Connor. "May I?"

Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's.

"I started feeling bad when you were still here," Jude admitted, which crushed Connor more than he knew how to say. "But then you were gone, and things got worse. Mikey kept asking for you and wanting you and he kept coming home from seeing you so happy and excited. Logically, I knew that I shouldn't be upset that he loved you, and that wasn't it. It just felt like he loved you more. That made me feel so much worse. Because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't the right parent. He didn't need me. He needed you. And then the legal stuff started. We were really getting a divorce. And it … Uhm … Um."

Jude took a deep breath. Connor had many things to say, but he waited. If he interrupted Jude now, Jude might not start talking again. He wanted Jude to be able to lay everything out for him.

"It feels like my entire life, I've been convinced that you were meant to be with me. Twenty-three years ago, I met Stef and Lena for the first time and I met my family. And then at the same time, I met you. You were my first boyfriend, my first love, you were pretty much my first everything, Connor."

Connor squeezed his hand. Jude had been the same for him.

"It's been twenty-three years," Jude repeated. "If I couldn't make it work out with you, then … How could I make anything work? But I had Mikey with me and I made myself do it for him. I know I was subpar for the seven months we were apart. I knew that I wasn't doing enough for Mikey, or for me, but it was so hard to do anything. I told myself that I was doing my best and that it was enough and that I'd get better soon. I was still taking care of him. I was still going to work. My family didn't think anything was wrong, so nothing was wrong."

Jude's voice went high-pitched, and his eyes filled with tears. He rolled his eyes, trying to control it, but he ended up just closing them. There was still liquid leaking from under his lashes, and he rubbed it away with his free hand. As he began to speak again, his grip on Connor's hand was so strong that it nearly hurt. But Connor couldn't even think about letting go of him right now.

"And then I lost my job. The moment they told me, I could just kind of … feel myself give up. I couldn't do it with Mikey in the house. That was the one thing that I was clear on. So I waited until he was with you. But I couldn't do it that night, because Callie was expecting me. And then … I don't even remember Saturday happening. But then all of a sudden I knew it was Sunday. I couldn't let you bring Mikey here, because you would have just let him run into the house and look for me. So I sent him to Moms. I figured that Lena would feed Mikey supper and Stef would come look for me and that she'd find me. I thought that … Mom's tough. Out of everyone, she can take it."

"No one's that tough," Connor blurted. "No one."

"I know, now." The tears were falling in a steady stream down Jude's cheeks and he made no move to brush them away. "But I was being awful and selfish. I didn't … I didn't know what I was doing. I kind of did. I wasn't doing it to die. I just felt this huge weight on my chest and I thought that dying was the only thing that I could do. I couldn't ask for help. I was just … so locked inside of my own head that I couldn't ask for help. I didn't know how. I didn't know what. I'm sorry."

Jude broke down completely and Connor pulled him into a hug.

Through his sobs, Jude mumbled against Connor's chest, "I heard you, you know?"

"What?"

"You got there too early. I heard you come in the house. And I just thought that it would be over by the time that you got upstairs and that I didn't have to put Mom through it; that it was going to be you. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Jude, it's okay." Connor rocked him back and forth. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," Jude protested. "It's not."

"It is. It is. It's okay. You don't feel like that anymore, do you?"

"No!" Jude cried. "I want to live. And not because of you and not just because of Mikey. I want to live because I want to be alive."

"That's the best thing that you could have said to me," Connor said, kissing the top of Jude's head.

Jude stilled in Connor's arms. "R-r-really?" he stuttered, sounding confused.

"Really. You have value. Focusing on Mikey and your family and everything that's good in your life is necessary, but you need to want to do it for you, otherwise all the good things in life aren't going to be enough. I'm so glad you want this life."

"I do," Jude promised him in a whisper, still hiding in Connor's shirt. "I do."

Connor rubbed his back. "Is there anything else that you need to talk about?"

Jude shook his head. "I think I understand now. What about you?"

"No. I think I understand now," Connor repeated.

They were silent for a while, as Jude took deep breaths and calmed himself down. Connor rubbed his back the whole time. Eventually, Jude said, "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to go on a date on Friday."

"Sounds like a plan to me. Where do you want to go?"

Jude shifted so that he was laying in Connor's lap and replied, "You asked me."

"So I have to plan? I guess that's fair." Connor stretched out, looking up at the blue sky. "Well, I have a meeting Friday morning –"

"You do?"

"Yeah. I should be home by … three, maybe four at the latest."

"Okay."

"So, we could go somewhere nice for dinner. Get out of the house."

"Where?"

"Some surprises are necessary," Connor mused. "What about after dinner?"

"After dinner?"

"We might as well go all out. Let's not go to a movie, though. We watch enough at home. And I want to be able to talk to you."

"I like your plan so far."

"We could find a beach, go for a nice walk," Connor continued.

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "That sounds good."

"We'll see what after dinner looks like on Friday. See if it looks good."

"Okay."

Connor knew that he should go back to his computer; that he had work to do today. But he could sit with Jude for a few minutes more. The morning was peaceful; the day was good; and he had Jude. Work could wait.

*Cues drumroll* Hand In My Pocket is finished! There will be twenty-eight chapters total!

Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are: Impossible by Shontelle (Reader recommended); and Wide Open by Westlife.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~