Friday morning was a bowl of chaos. Connor had to get up earlier than they were used to in order to get showered and dressed. Jude had to get Mikey up and ready himself, which wasn't difficult in and of itself. The difficult part was maneuvering around one another and sidestepping their energetic son, who was even more wound up today. He was getting off the bus with Chris and JP after school for a sleepover, and excited didn't even begin to cover his mood. They had packed an overnight bag for him last night, so this morning they added his toothbrush and his comb after he used them, and he was nearly good to go.
They put Mikey's backpack on him, handed him his overnight bag, made sure he had his bus note, and watched him walk off to the bus. Jude and Connor stood on the front porch until the bus picked him up, and then Connor knew that he needed to leave.
"I'll see you around three or four, okay?"
"Okay."
"Call me if you need anything," Connor stressed, pulling on his suit jacket. "I mean it. No meeting is more important than you if you need me."
"I'm going to be okay. You trust me to stay alone now, remember?" Jude reminded him with humour, leaning against the side of the house.
"This has nothing to do with trust. I just don't want you to feel like there's no one you can call if you need to call someone." Connor picked up his briefcase from the porch swing and stood in front of Jude. "So call me if you need someone."
"I will. Have fun at your meeting."
"It's a lot of nodding along and pretending I don't just hear 'blah, blah, blah'," Connor joked. He leant forward and kissed Jude's cheek, and Jude kissed his back. "Bye."
"Bye."
Jude was still standing on the porch as Connor drove away. Connor spent the rest of his day away from home thinking of nothing but home. He focused on his work when he had to – his boss, Alyssa, had been too generous in catering to his need to work at home for him to spit in her face by ignoring his work – but he often found himself pulling himself out of daydreams. He was excited for tonight. He was like a boy going on his first date. It wasn't quite a first date, because Connor already knew how Jude sounded and felt and tasted. Connor knew, though, that those facts wouldn't keep him from getting distracted by the way Jude's lips moved when he talked or the way that the cadence of his voice could curl around Connor's soul and get his heart racing. He just wanted Jude, entire.
Connor breathed a sigh of relief as he escaped from his office building. How could he have ever thought of this place as a safe haven? He should have started working from home long ago.
It was three twenty-seven and Connor was halfway home when Jude called him. Connor answered the phone cheerfully. "Hey. What's up?"
Jude was whispering. "I'm in the E.R."
Connor felt like he was going to throw up. "For what? Are you okay?! What did you do!?"
"I didn't do anything," Jude snapped defensively. "I was stupid and I left a burner on from lunch and I didn't realize it and I ended up putting my hand on it. I called Mom and she thought it looked bad so she brought me to the hospital. I just didn't want you to panic if you got home and I'm not there."
"What's the diagnosis?"
"Second degree burns," Jude admitted. "I just need to wrap it in fresh bandages often, antibiotic cream, and some ibuprofen for pain. It's not that bad."
"Jude."
"Are you almost home?"
"Almost. Twenty minutes, maybe."
"I might be home by then. I'll see you soon."
"Are you sure that you're okay?"
"Yes. I'll see you soon."
"See you soon," Connor agreed, hanging up the phone.
He may have broken the speed limit on the way home. He wasn't sure. Connor felt a band constricting around his chest that didn't relieve itself even as the house came into view. It only relaxed a little bit when he walked into his home and found Jude sitting in the living room with Lena.
"Are you okay?"
Jude showed him his bandaged left hand. His entire palm and fingers were bandaged, and Connor felt a ball of dread form in his stomach. There was no way that injury could have formed unless Jude had placed his hand completely flat on a burner, and Connor could think of no reason to do that. The tips of his fingers, maybe, or hitting his knuckles or the side of his hand against a hot pot, but not his entire hand.
"I'm fine."
"The doctors didn't seem too worried," Lena added. "They just said to keep an eye on it and to change the bandages often, because that lowers the chance of infection."
"Okay, that's easy to do." Connor eyed Lena. Was she suspicious of Jude's injuries too? She didn't seem to be. Did that mean that Connor was crazy?
"I won't stick around," Lena said, standing up. "Jude told me that you have something to do this afternoon."
She didn't put any emphasis on the words, Connor noticed. Whatever Jude had told her they were up to, he hadn't used the word 'date'.
"Don't feel like you have to run out," Connor said. "You know we're always happy to see you."
"And I'm always happy to see the both of you," Lena assured him. "But it's Friday night and Stef and I have plans."
"Hot date?" Jude joked, though the tone wasn't entirely natural.
"Not hotter than your stove." Lena said, hugging him. "You need to be more careful. We don't want you to get hurt."
"I know. I wasn't thinking."
"Just keep an eye on it. Mom's going to want to inspect it at family dinner on Sunday."
"I wouldn't expect anything less," Jude said. "I'll see you then."
"I love you, Jude."
"I love you too, Mom."
"And, Connor," Lena said, pausing beside him on her way out, "Don't feel like you have to stay away from family dinners."
"You keep saying that," Connor said.
"You keep not showing up," Lena retorted.
"Maybe the next one," Connor replied, as if they didn't both know that he wasn't going to come. If it were just Stef and Lena, perhaps, but Connor wasn't willing to face the entirety of Jude's family when his and Jude's fate was still up in the air.
Once Lena was gone, Connor took her place on the couch next to Jude, crossing his arms over his chest as he did so.
"Tell me the truth, Jude."
Jude stopped pick at the edge of his bandage. "What do you mean?"
"Did you burn your hand on purpose? Were you trying to hurt yourself?"
"Why would you even ask me that?!"
Connor raised his eyebrows. "Why didn't you just answer the question?"
Jude leant away from Connor, mumbling, "It was an accident."
"How did you lean on the stove like that? To hurt your whole hand so completely?"
Jude looked down at his hand and ran the fingers of his opposite hand across the bandage gently.
"I just want the truth, whether it's good or bad. I'm here for you."
"It wasn't an accident," Jude whispered.
Connor felt the ball of dread in his stomach take over. "Why?"
"That's all anyone ever asks me."
"I know, and it must suck, but, Jude, you need to focus." Connor crouched in front of Jude, so that he couldn't look away. "Why would you hurt yourself?"
"I just … had to."
"You didn't have to."
"I felt overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do. Nothing Dr. Nadine told me was working and I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it," Jude whispered. "And I knew that pain would help me feel something."
"You knew," Connor said, his mouth going dry. "Jude, you told me that you never hurt yourself on purpose. You told me that after one of your first appointments with Dr. Nadine."
"I lied to you," Jude said. "I didn't lie to her, but I couldn't have you know. I already felt pathetic enough in your eyes."
"You were never pathetic to me. But, you need to be honest with me now."
"I did. Sometimes. After you left. Never burns though. But I was making lunch today and I was using the stove. I felt so sick and strange and emotional and I just needed to stop. So I moved the pan and I just … put my hand on the burner. I realized the second I did it that it was stupid and I shouldn't have. So I pulled away, but I already burnt it. And I called Mom, because I was worried that I'd actually done something permanent this time."
"What did you do the other times?" Connor asked.
Jude didn't reply, but his right hand wrapped around his left ribs. Connor stared at Jude's side. Since moving back in, Connor had never seen Jude with his shirt off. It wasn't something that he'd really thought of before. Jude had never been one to wander around the house shirtless, and it made sense to Connor that Jude wouldn't want to be seen in a state of undress, given what their relationship had been. He had never thought that there was an ulterior motive; he never would have thought that Jude had scars he was hiding.
"Did you cut yourself?" Connor asked, though he knew that he didn't need to. What else could Jude have done?
Jude nodded. "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry. When was the last time you cut yourself?"
"Before September."
"Have you hurt yourself in anyway before this?"
Jude shook his head.
"You could have called me."
Jude was picking at the edge of his bandage again. "It was about you."
"What do you mean?"
"About tonight," Jude clarified. "I was so worked up over tonight. I just needed something …"
"If you were that worked up, you could have talked to me. We don't have to go on this date. We don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with."
"I want to. I'm just scared. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?"
"It's already working. You don't need to be scared of me."
"It's not you. It's just the entire idea of the future. And of getting hurt again. And … everything." Jude's voice dropped off.
"We'll just stay home today, like we always do. Take care of you." Connor lifted from his crouch to kiss Jude's cheek, but Jude caught his arm.
"No! I want … I want to do something with you tonight."
"I just don't think it's a good idea," Connor said. "It's a big thing and a lot of stress. I don't want to make anything worse for you right now. I'm supposed to be taking care of you."
Jude's fingers tightened on Connor's forearm. "You're mad at me."
"No, not mad, exactly. I'm disappointed that you lied to me and I'm upset that you hurt yourself. I'm upset with me for trying to push this so fast. Whether or not we still have feelings for each other doesn't matter, because we're just going to ruin it all over again like this."
"I'm sorry," Jude said. "Please. Can we still do something?"
"You hurt yourself because of me –"
"It wasn't just about you!"
"That's how it feels. It feels like I hurt you! I don't want to do anything to hurt you!"
"One of the worst things that we could have done was say 'divorce' and that already happened! I'm at rock bottom, Connor. Up is scary but I want it. I want to try with you. I'm not going to do this again –"
"I don't know that! What if it's just the logical thing for you to do when you get overwhelmed –"
"I haven't done anything in months!"
"A month! Barely! And this isn't some small little thing. You burnt your entire hand on the stove!"
"Connor …"
"I want to go get changed," Connor said, pulling away from Jude to stand up completely. "I don't know, Jude."
Jude curled up on the couch, pulling a throw blanket around him. "I'll stay here."
Connor climbed the stairs slowly, not knowing what to think. He knew that Jude's suicide attempt had been influenced by their impending divorce, but there had been other factors, and so he had never felt like he was at fault. It had been Jude's depression and how that had made him handle the separation; Connor had been in agony after he had moved out, but his mind had never gone to suicide. But Jude burning his hand felt specifically like Jude was hurting himself because of Connor, and Connor couldn't allow that to happen. If having a reconciliation happened at the price of Jude's mental health, it would never be worth it. But Connor didn't know what to do, because Jude seemed to want to go on a date. Connor knew he still wanted to go somewhere with Jude.
He stripped off his suit, pulling on jeans and a comfortable long-sleeved shirt. Maybe something less formal; not a dinner out, but something to get them out of the house. Maybe the word 'date' was too constraining and too fraught with connotations that Jude didn't know how to deal with. They had to work at growing back together, but a part of it should also be natural growth. There shouldn't be so much work on their relationship that it turned into forcing their relationship.
Connor stood at their bedroom window, breathing out heavily. His breath fogged the glass in front of him, obscuring part of their driveway and all of Jude's car. Connor looked at the foggy spot and thought that they could go for a drive. They could stop and get some junk food and fast food, and then speed away. They could turn up the music and share fries and sour candies. It was something that they had done often after getting their licences.
It was a good plan.
When Connor went downstairs, it didn't look like Jude had moved at all. He sat down on the end of the couch, and, when Jude peeked at him, Connor instantly felt apologetic.
"I'm sorry for losing it like that."
Jude flexed his fingers as best as he was able. "I'm sorry for not calling you. I should be able to tell you these things."
"Communication is still something that we need to work at," Connor acknowledged.
"Connor, please don't give up on me," Jude pleaded. "I don't want to give up on you. I never wanted to give up on you."
"Can I have a hug?" Connor asked, and Jude flew into his arms. Connor tucked his head against Jude's shoulder as they held one another. "Listen, okay?"
Jude nodded, clinging to him tightly.
"When I moved out, I thought that was it for us, and that almost destroyed me. I really believe that no one on this earth can matter to me the way that you matter to me. That's why I want to take my time rebuilding you and me. I'd rather take ten years and do it right, than rush through it in a month and lose you for good. Because I can't lose you, and I can't risk you slipping back to a space where you lose yourself."
Jude's grip grew stronger. "Do you love me? Like, really, do you love me?"
"Of course I love you. It was never that I didn't love you; that was never our problem. I stopped knowing how to be your friend, and that's an important part of being in a relationship." Jude felt tense under Connor's hands. "But, yes, to the point. I love you. I really love you."
Connor didn't know whether or not it would be fair to ask Jude to return the sentiment, particularly with such absolution. He loved Jude. He really and truly did. And he had nothing more to lose in saying it, because Jude already knew. Connor was glad that Jude knew, and he hoped that it helped Jude in some way.
"Can we go somewhere? Please? I promise, I'm excited for this. I want to try again. You know how much I care about you, please. I want to go on a date with you."
"I had an idea," Connor admitted.
Jude snuggled closer into his chest. "What?"
"A drive. Like we used to."
"With fast food and sour belts."
"And coffee, because your moms didn't want you to drink it." Connor's lip grazed the soft skin of Jude's neck as he spoke. "What do you think? Do you wat to do that again?"
"We haven't done that since we moved in together," Jude murmured.
They hadn't needed to. Long drives together had been their escape. It hadn't just been about parking in a hidden spot, to explore each other in a way that their parents might not condone, although that had been a big part of it, particularly when they first realized that they could get away with it. It had been more about the feeling of freedom; of being full in control of themselves and their choices, because their parents were at home, and only knew vaguely that they were driving, and not what they were doing on that drive.
"Let's go!"
They gathered up Jude's medications and some bandages to change his wrappings later. Jude had just opened the passenger's side door, when Connor stopped him.
"We can turn around at any point," Connor said.
Jude pressed his forehead to Connor's. "I don't want to turn around. I want to keep moving forward."
The urge to kiss him was overwhelming, but Connor held it back. He didn't think that Jude would return the kiss, if he tried right now. They were still too scared.
"Then let's keep going forward," Connor replied.
They got into the car, driving slowly until they reached the grocery store. Jude jumped out to go get candy, while Connor went through the drive-thru next door. He ordered burgers and fries and coffees, because it was their typical driving meal. He drove back up to the grocery store, and lingered outside the front doors until Jude emerged, shopping bag in hand.
"I got a little carried away with the snacks," Jude admitted. "Halloween candy is still on sale."
"Perfect!"
Connor waited until Jude had placed the bag on the floor and buckled his seatbelt before handing Jude his coffee. Jude's good hand curled around it gratefully.
"I always wanted coffee on our drives, because Moms still didn't want me drinking it."
"And now look at you, you little caffeine addict."
"Shut up," Jude murmured around the rim of his coffee cup, already pushed to his lips.
Connor grinned and started the car up again. He drove toward the exit of the parking lot and asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Anywhere," Jude replied. "You decided on the drive. Just take me somewhere."
Connor knew where they should go. He took off down the road and Jude plugged his iPod into the car. He put on the trashy pop songs that they had listened to as teenagers. It was the type of song that Mikey would roll his eyes at and plug his ears to when he heard it, although he had a strange affinity for Halsey and had memorized all of her songs. Jude unwrapped their burgers as they drove, and they sang along to the music with their mouths full. They could have been sixteen again, with their whole lives stretched out before them like a roadmap full of streets and destinations that they couldn't yet see.
Connor glanced over at Jude, who had a fry hanging out of the corner of his mouth like a cigarette. He reached over at snatched it from Jude's lips.
"Hey! That was mine!" Jude exclaimed, and then his indignation dissolved into laughter as Connor popped the fry in his mouth. "You're so gross!"
"It's just a fry!"
"It had my spit on it!"
"I've had worse things than your spit in my mouth," Connor snorted.
"I –" Jude stuttered. "You're impossible!"
"How bad can I be if you like me?"
"Pretty bad." Jude reached across the console to muss Connor's hair. "And I know that tone. You're trying to flirt with me."
"Is it working?"
"Not yet."
"Is that mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."
Jude reached into his pocket. "It's a cell phone, actually. Wait. Hold on. Andrew's calling me."
Connor turned the music down as Jude answered the phone. What possible reason could Andrew have for calling? Mikey had never had a problem at a sleepover before. In fact, he loved staying over at other people's houses.
"Hello? Oh, hey Mikey. I'm with Dad. Let me put you on speaker."
Jude hit a button on his phone and then Connor heard his son's voice.
"Hey, Dad!"
"Hey," Connor replied. Mikey didn't sound upset. "How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Are you having fun with Chris and JP?" Jude asked.
"Yup! We made cupcakes. I drew eyes on mine."
"That sounds fun," Connor said. He paused for a moment, but when Mikey stayed silent, he asked, "Are you okay? Are you calling to come home?"
"Nope! I just wanted to make sure that Father was okay."
"I'm good, Mikey. I'm glad you're having fun."
"Are you having fun?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "I'm having fun."
"What about you, Dad?"
"I'm having a lot of fun! Father and I just got dinner."
"We had pancakes for supper!"
"That sounds good," Jude said.
"We're going to watch a movie now."
"What are you watching?"
"I dunno. Chris is picking."
"Have fun with your movie," Jude said.
"I love you, Dad and Father."
"I love you too," Jude and Connor said together.
Jude hung up the phone.
"That was weird," Connor said.
"He's just worried about me," Jude whispered in realization. "He's going to see right through the bandage, like you did. He's going to know. He's smart, Connor. And he's going to hate me."
"He's not going to hate you," Connor said, trying to pay attention to Jude and the road at the same time. They were almost to their destination. "He just doesn't understand completely, and it's hard for him to do that at six. It's hard for me to do at thirty-seven."
"It's just hard to know that I'm going to disappoint him," Jude said, "if I haven't already."
Connor pulled off to a deserted road, and turned off the car, though he left the key turned so that the music stayed on. He took off his seatbelt to face Jude, and he reached out and took both of Jude's hands in his own, gingerly handling the injured one.
"You aren't disappointing anyone. You're doing your best. It's hard for him; it's hard for all of us. That's okay." Connor kissed Jude's hands. "We probably shouldn't tell him that it was on purpose, since it'll just make him worry more than he should."
"I'm not going to do it again."
"I believe you," Connor said, although he didn't know if he was telling the truth. Jude surprised him; sometimes in the best way, sometimes in the worst way.
Jude gave him a half-smile, and then he looked around, judging their dark surroundings. "We're where I think we are, aren't we?"
"Yeah. I figured literally being on memory lane couldn't hurt."
Jude laughed. "I thought this was a fresh start."
"It is. But we're only going to hurt ourselves if we forget the past."
"You've gotten a little bit smart, Connor Stevens," Jude teased, twining his fingers with Connor's.
Connor couldn't continue joking along though. He froze, his mind caught on one thing. "Adams-Foster-Stevens."
"What?"
"Our last name is Adams-Foster-Stevens."
Jude leant back, although he didn't let go of Connor. "I know."
"We're not divorced yet."
"I don't want to be divorced at all."
"Neither do I." Connor sighed. "But you … you just called me 'Stevens'. And that feels like you're trying to cut me out."
"I just wasn't thinking. I was thinking of all the time we spent parked here when we were sixteen up until we were twenty-three. You were only Connor Stevens then. My brain just got crossed, that's all." Jude knocked Connor's hands together. "Okay, Mr. Adams-Foster-Stevens?"
"Well, if you say it has to be true," Connor commented sarcastically.
"If I feed you sour belts, will you forgive me?"
"I might."
"Come on, then," Jude said.
He was still nimble and slim enough to slide between the two front seats and into the back. Connor, however, was not like his husband. He had to get out of the car and then get back in. Jude was tucked up against the window, so Connor slid into the middle seat. Jude folded his long legs across Connor's lap and then he pressed a sour belt to Connor's lips. Connor took the candy from Jude's fingers; the flavours of his teenage years bursting across his tongue. This was how similar to how it would have been, twenty years ago, when they had first discovered this spot. They had been driving in the old, slightly beat-up car that Adam had helped Connor buy when Connor had first gotten his licence. Jude had spotted the road because he'd needed to pee and didn't want to do so directly right off the main road. They had driven up the length of the road: it was a dead end road with no houses along it. Jude had done his business and then slid into the backseat.
(-.-)
Connor twisted around. "What the hell are you doing back there?"
"What do you think?"
"If you think I'm playing chauffeur for you –"
"I'm trying to get you to play boyfriend in the backseat making out with his boyfriend."
Connor didn't really remember turning the car off or climbing into the backseat. The next thing he knew, he was on top of Jude in the backseat. Jude's long legs were folded down toward the floor and his warm fingers were sliding under Connor's shirt. It took some maneuvering on Connor's part to get his shirt off, and then he went right back to kissing Jude. He worked Jude's shirt upward, and Jude laughed.
"I'm not going to be able to get this all the way off," Jude laughed. "The door's in my way."
"That's okay," Connor mumbled against Jude's lips. "I can touch you like this."
Because Connor just loved the feel of Jude's bare skin underneath of his fingers. He liked feeling Jude breathe and feeling the bump of his ribs. He liked moving his hands lower to tease Jude by tracing the outline of his jeans. Underneath of him, he felt Jude's hips jerk and it filled him with a strange sort of excitement. While plenty of their classmates had already lost their virginities, Jude and Connor hadn't yet. It wasn't for lack of wanting one another or from fear of sex, but Connor wanted it to be perfect. He didn't want to rush through it for the fifteen minutes of privacy that they could sometimes grab at Adam's house. They had, however, done other things. They weren't strangers to one another's bodies.
"Connor," Jude whispered, and then Connor felt Jude's hands teasing at the front of his jeans. "Sit back."
Connor moved to the opposite side of the backseat and Jude rose to his knees on the seat. He kissed Connor one more time before they went even further.
(-.-)
"Vacation in Scotland or Spain?"
"Spain," Connor answered quickly. "Feet or hands?"
"Hands," Jude replied. He was leaning against the window, with Connor half asleep on top of him. His good hand was raking through Connor's hair, while his bad hand was being held to Connor's chest. "Is your left side or your right side your good side?"
"I don't have a bad side."
"I knew you were going to say that."
Connor chuckled. "Sure you did."
"I did! I know you!"
Connor snuggled closer to Jude. "I'm glad you do. But if I had to pick one, I guess it would be my right to be my bad." Then he yawned.
"Do we need to go home and go to bed?"
"I'm tired. I had a meeting."
"So you've complained," Jude said dryly.
"Sorry. I just forgot how draining the office is. It's not that I don't like my co-workers, I just hate being so social. Being home with you all day has spoilt me."
"Can't have you getting spoilt."
"I should have started working from home when I was first given the option." Connor yawned again.
The hand that was running through Connor's hair paused. "What?"
"My boss just mentioned it around last Christmas," Connor admitted. "I didn't want to take it then, because it was Christmas, and Christmas bonus time. And things weren't good. Well, they were decent around Christmas, because we really tried for Mikey then. And then I moved out in February, so there was really no point in taking advantage of the offer until now."
The hand that had been stroking his hair resumed. "Family Guy or Futurama?"
Connor groaned. "I had almost forgotten that either of those shows existed."
"Just answer the question."
Jude's leg nudged against Connor's side.
"Ugh. Fine. Futurama. Stewie always creeped me out. Do you want to drive home or do you want me to drive home?"
"I'd like to."
Connor went to sit up but then Jude's hand stayed him. "Wait."
"What?"
"Until this song is over."
The faintly playing music became clear to Connor's ears and he settled back against Jude's side, smiling. It was their first dance song. Jude began to sing along.
"Take me back to the beginning,
"When love was patient, love was kind,
"Back to the place we first started,
"When we weren't so proud to change our minds."
Connor sang the next verse.
"And take me back when love was unselfish,
"When touch was passionate and sweet,
"When we weren't just getting what we wanted,
"But we gave ourselves so willingly."
Together they sang, "And I love you. I promise I always will. I love you. I promise I always will."
During the next verse, Connor said, "I think we were a little prophetic."
"Is it true though? Are we really going to work this out?" There was fear in Jude's voice, and Connor didn't know if he could make that go away with anything other than the future working out for them.
What Connor could do, was sing the next line to Jude, "And I choose you. Forever I choose you still."
Jude's grip on Connor tightened. "There was never another choice for me."
"There was never another choice for me either."
When the song was over, Jude slipped into the driver's seat while Connor went around the passenger's side. There was a moment of Jude doing nothing but grumbling about how short Connor was in comparison to himself and sliding the driver's seat backward.
"It's not my fault you're Bigfoot," Connor snorted.
"Not my fault you're an elf."
"Mikey's an elf."
Jude laughed. "Mikey is an elf."
Connor rolled the window down. "Do you mind?"
"Not if you don't mind that we take the long way home."
"I'd like that," Connor said, and Jude started driving.
Connor knew that they were going home together. He knew that they would walk through the same front door and climb into bed together. Connor knew that he and Jude were going to fall asleep next to one another, probably cuddled up. At least touching. Jude liked to be held before going to sleep. But, still, there was a part of Connor that wanted to delay going back to the house, because they had left it with the purpose of going on a date. And it had felt like a date. Their conversation, as it had bounced between real life and light, joking topics, had felt different than it did when they talked about vaguely the same things at home. Connor didn't want to go home, because he was scared the feeling would go away.
He leant forward, letting the wind from the open window rush across his face. He should have done this before the separation. They should have gone on dates; spent time together as people rather than parents. Connor smiled as their home came into view. He felt good; he felt hopeful. He could only pray that Jude felt the same way. As the car parked and Connor looked over his shoulder to his husband, he thought that Jude felt the same way.
They left the car and walked up to the front door. Halfway there, Jude reached out with his good hand to take Connor's. Connor felt like a fool thrown into new love.
"So," Connor said, as he opened the front door. "Was it a good date?"
"I liked it," Jude said. He pulled Connor to a stop as Connor went to continue on into the house. "So."
"So?"
Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "Can I have a second date?"
Connor brought his hands up to rest on Jude's waist. "I'd love a second date … But this one was your idea, so you have to plan it."
Jude laughed. "That's fair. Is this one over yet?"
"Not if you don't want it be."
"Then dance with me."
"Need me to sing for you too?" Connor teased.
"Preferably."
Connor wasn't much of a singer, though, so he hummed as he wrapped his arms around Jude, and Jude did the same to him. Connor rested his head against Jude's upper chest, and then he felt Jude's head rest against the top of his own. Connor closed his eyes, knowing that the worst they could do in the front entryway was bump into a wall. He loved dancing with Jude. They always played music while cooking in the kitchen, and they would often dance around, hitting their hips against the counters or holding Mikey up between the two of them. Connor tucked his head down a little bit lower so that he could hear Jude's heartbeat.
Connor squeezed Jude tighter as he thought about the fact that he had almost gone the rest of his life without hearing this heartbeat. Jude had almost ended his life. With his eyes closed, and Jude so close, an image of something Connor had managed to avoid thinking of flashed across his mind: Jude's funeral. He had managed to avoid picturing it by keeping his focus on the fact that Jude was alive and Connor needed to focus on keeping him that way. But, that broke. The façade that he was totally fine crumbled in an instant. Jude was alive; Jude was fine. Connor was crying.
It only took Jude an instant to notice. Connor felt Jude still and then inch away from him a little so that he could look at Connor. Connor felt Jude's hands come up to cup his face; the softness of Jude's bandage against his cheek made Connor cry even harder. It wasn't over. Jude was still in pain. Connor needed to rein himself in and get himself together, but it wasn't happening. A dam that he hadn't even admitted that he had inside of him shattered in seconds.
"Connor? What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"I've just been really scared," Connor admitted, trying to hold back his tears. "And I didn't realize how scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of losing you. Scared of you not getting better. I never thought about having to bury you before, and I don't want to. I don't want to lose you."
"I'm not going to be buried. I'm not going to die. I don't want to die. I'm still sorting it out, I know, but I'm going to stay here." Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "I want to stay here with you. I'm sorry this has been hard for you. I shouldn't put so much on your shoulders."
"I want you to confide in me, I do," Connor said quickly, too afraid that Jude would try to cut him out. He reached up to grab onto Jude's biceps.
"You need to confide in me back," Jude whispered.
"It just hit me and I'm scared for you."
"I'm going to be okay."
"I want to see it."
"Then stick around." Jude kissed his forehead.
"Okay."
"At least for the second date."
Jude's voice was light and teasing and Connor found himself laughing through his emotions. He reached up and put his hands over Jude's.
"You're something else, Jude, you know that?"
"You like it."
Connor did. Connor beyond liked it.
Jude continued, "Let's go to bed. It's late."
Connor allowed himself to be led upstairs. They got ready for bed in separate bathrooms – Jude in the master bathroom and Connor in the bathroom that was usually only used by Mikey. Jude was already curled up on his side of the bed, checking his phone notifications, when Connor came in and flopped beside him.
"Anything interesting going on?" Connor asked.
Jude put his phone down. "Just you."
"Did you change your hand bandage?"
"No. I can't do it one handed."
Connor sat up. "Where's the stuff?"
"I left it on my bathroom counter. I'll grab it."
"No, no, I can get it!"
But Connor was already on his feet, walking into the bathroom. He had only been in the master bathroom once or twice since the end of September; it was a lot easier to share a bathroom with a six-year-old than with his estranged husband. He spotted the antiseptic cream and bandages sitting next to the sink immediately, but Jude's protests made Connor take pause and critique the room. Nothing seemed suspicious. The shampoos and the body wash was lined up on the edge of the tub; the dark blue shower curtain was pulled over to the side and the inside of the tub was clean. Jude's regular products, like his razors and shaving cream were lined up under the mirror like they always had been. Connor was tempted to open drawers and look under the sink, so he did. He saw nothing out of the ordinary: spare towels and facecloths; bathroom cleaning products. Then there, in the top drawer that used to belong almost exclusively to Connor, there was a tiny little black box. It was the type of tiny cardboard box that a pair of cheap earrings might come in. Connor picked it up and shook it, hearing a strange rattling noise come from inside.
"Connor, don't."
Connor didn't turn around to face Jude, but he sensed him standing in the doorway. Connor just shook the box again. He couldn't imagine what could be in it, particularly if Jude didn't want him to see it. It was too small to be something from another man – though Connor wholeheartedly believed Jude when he said that there hadn't been another person in his life.
"Connor, please."
"Then tell me what it is."
Jude took in a deep breath. "You don't want to know."
"I think I need to know. Jude, I'm not trying to pry or force you into anything. I'm just trying to keep you safe."
"I'm safe," Jude assured him, though he sounded desperate. "Just throw it away."
"What is it?"
"Connor."
Connor opened the box. Inside, there was nearly a dozen individual razor blades. Connor felt everything inside of him plummet: his organs, his emotions, everything. On some of the blades, there was a dark substance that could only be dried blood, and Connor felt like he was going throw up. He turned around and Jude took a step away from him.
"Connor?"
"I'll be right back."
He knew that Jude had a fully intact razor sitting in his bathroom. He knew that he, himself, had a fully intact razor sitting in the guest bathroom. He knew that Jude was a fully grown man and could go out and purchase himself a razor. As Connor walked down the stairs, Connor realized that their kitchen was full of knives. In fact, their entire house was filled with things that Jude could figure out how to hurt himself with. If Jude was to be believed, he hadn't cut himself since before his suicide attempt. None of this stopped Connor from carrying that little black box completely out of the house and down the driveway to go into the garbage box.
When Connor returned to the bedroom, Jude was sitting in the middle of the bed. His legs were crossed underneath of him and he looked pale. He looked up as Connor walked back in, but he didn't say anything. Connor didn't know what to say, either, so he just went back into the bathroom. He washed his hands thoroughly and then picked up the antiseptic cream and the bandages. He sat across from Jude and rewrapped his hand in silence. The sight of Jude's burnt hand made Connor sick and angry all over again.
"Are you mad?"
"Yes."
"They're old –"
"Not right now, Jude."
Jude quickly shut his mouth.
When Connor finished wrapping Jude's hand, he went over to the futon.
"Why are you –"
"Just go to sleep," Connor said wearily. "You said it yourself; it's late."
"Oh."
Connor laid down and pulled the cold comforter over his head. He listened for Jude's movements, but may long minutes passed before Jude finally turned out the light and went to bed himself. The darkness kicked off many long, restless hours for Connor. He tossed and turned, the comforter coiling around his legs. Finally, he sat up. He'd go to Jude's side, just to make sure that Jude was peaceful in sleep. But as soon as Connor stood, Jude turned his bedside lamp on.
"Connor?" he asked anxiously. "What are you doing?"
"Checking on you. I thought you would be sleeping."
"I'm not."
"Can I sit?"
Jude gestured to the end of the bed.
"I'm sorry," Connor whispered. "I shouldn't have acted that way."
"It's understandable," Jude said. "What else could you do? I didn't tell you the truth. I shouldn't have hurt myself. It's okay."
Connor didn't think it was fair that Jude was comforting him. "Are you okay? I didn't upset you, did I?"
"Not everything has to be about me. You're upset."
"Can I sleep with you?"
Jude nodded. "But, I need you to believe that I haven't used them."
Tiredly, Connor said, "The past … happened. I just need you to be totally honest from here on out."
"No, I need you to know I didn't lie about that." Jude reached around himself and pulled his shirt off.
Connor knew exactly where to direct his gaze. He didn't pause to take in the smooth outline of Jude's chest or the slight pouch of his stomach. He looked directly at Jude's left ribs, and the area around them was a mess. They were all healed scars, although many of them had been deep, and were still raised. The scars overlapped one another. They were so plentiful that it made Connor sick. How much pain had Jude been in to do this to himself?
Connor hadn't realized he was reaching out to touch Jude's side until his hand entered his field of vision. Immediately, he dropped his hand back to the mattress.
"I don't mind," Jude said. He picked Connor's hand up and placed it against his side. "They don't hurt anymore."
"I'm so sorry you did this."
"You're always saying sorry. But … you didn't make the decisions. I did."
Connor ran his hand over Jude's small mat of scars. It was awful. His stomach clenched and he felt like he was going to throw up. Jude, oh Jude. "I never wanted you to hurt."
"Everyone hurts. Not everyone does what I do. I'm responsible for me. I know that."
Connor let his hand fall away from Jude, although he missed the warmth of Jude's skin immediately.
"Let's go to sleep."
Connor crawled over to his side of the bed while Jude pulled his t-shirt back on and turned out the light. They settled under the covers together, turning on their sides to face the other. Connor slid his hand under Jude's shirt again, touching the scars. He felt Jude's chest expand with a deep breath. Then, Jude's bandaged hand slipped under Connor's shirt to rest at his waist.
"What are you doing?"
"If you're allowed to touch me, then I'm allowed to touch you," Jude replied. He moved a little closer to Connor and kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, Connor."
Connor tilted his head and kissed Jude on his jaw. "Goodnight, Jude."
Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are: Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams; Cry With You by Hunter Hayes; and Your Love Is A Song by Switchfoot.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~