As he had many times before, Connor sat in the passenger seat of Jude's car as they parked in Stef's and Lena's driveway. From the looks of it, Mariana and Brandon had already arrived. Mikey raced out of the car as soon as he saw that Brandon was here, because that also meant that his cousin, Marley, was here.
"I talked to Moms. They already told everyone not to say everything," Jude said, once Mikey had slammed his car door.
"Because your family is great at keeping their mouths shut," Connor groused.
"You can go home if you want. I don't want to make you unhappy."
Connor rubbed the back of Jude's hand. "No, you want me here. I'm going to be here."
"Thank you," Jude whispered.
"Now, let's go, before we start to look more suspicious."
"We're going to look suspicious anyway," Jude pointed out, climbing out of the car.
"I said 'more'!" Connor cried, following Jude out of the car.
"I'm just saying."
"I'm just saying!"
Jude rolled his eyes good-naturedly, and Connor held the Adams-Fosters' front door open for him.
"After you, birthday boy." Connor waved him through dramatically.
Jude cracked a smile and walked through the front door, Connor close on his heels. They shed their shoes and their light coats and headed into the main house. They could already hear the wail of baby Carla and, above them, their energetic footsteps and loud shrieks of Mikey and Marley playing tag.
"Jude, happy birthday!"
"Thanks, Mom," Jude replied, hugging Stef tightly.
"How do you feel today?" Stef asked, anxiously. "Mama was worried you might not be up to a big get together like this."
"I've been doing okay with the family dinners," Jude replied.
"Yes, but this time, the focus is on you."
"I feel good today," Jude assured her.
"I'm glad." Stef reached for another hug, but she peeked over Jude's shoulder to Connor.
He knew what she was asking and he nodded. Jude was telling the truth. Stef smiled in a satisfied way and then she stepped away from Jude and waved the two men further into the house.
"Mariana and Carla are in the kitchen with Mama and Brandon, Greg, and I are in the living room. Callie just called and she's on her way over from Alex's house."
"Is Alex coming?" Jude asked.
"No, she's angry at him again."
"They just like to fight," Mariana commented, bursting into view, her baby crying into her t-shirt. "But she's crazy for him."
"Crazy is one word for it," Stef agreed.
"Jesus texted me," Lena replied. "He just finished his workout so he still needs to shower. He says he might be a bit late for dinner."
Stef rolled her eyes. "Like Jesus has ever been late for food."
"Connor," Mariana said, "Aren't you going to give me a hug?"
"Of course, of course."
"I've missed seeing you around," Mariana said. "I knew you and Jude would work it out."
"Mariana," Stef and Lena chastised together.
"Sorry," Mariana replied, although Connor would move out tonight if she was actually genuine. "But, really …" She turned her dark brown eyes on her little brother. "You can tell your family the truth."
Jude didn't even glance at Connor, although Connor was staring at him. "We're trying to be friends, Mariana. Friends go to each other's birthday parties."
"If Greg and I ever got divorced, he'd die before attending another family event."
"We're not divorced," Jude said, while at the same time, Connor told her, "We're still married."
Mariana's eyebrows almost reached her hairline, but she didn't say a word. She glanced knowingly at each of her mothers, whispered something to her daughter, and then announced that she was going to see her husband. Jude and Connor watched her go and then turned to face Stef and Lena.
"Do you want anything to drink?" Lena asked.
"I can get it," Jude said. "I only want water."
"You can have a little something more with dinner, if you want," Lena said. "It's your birthday. I'm sure Connor wouldn't mind driving home."
"It's not a good idea," Jude said. He lowered his voice to add, "I'm not supposed to drink on the antidepressants."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have thought about that."
Jude smiled as she kissed his cheek anxiously. "Actually, it kind of makes me feel better that you forgot."
"I can mix you something non-alcoholic," Connor offered. "You don't need to have water on your birthday."
"That'd be good," Jude agreed.
He sank down on a seat at the island, while Connor stood up from his. He opened the fridge and pulled out Stef's and Lena's assortment of juices and a bottle of Sprite.
"Do either of you want anything?" he offered Stef and Lena.
"I'll definitely have something! Thank you!" Lena replied, checking on the homemade pizza that Jude had requested for his birthday dinner. She and Stef had made a number of pizzas, all different kinds, to feed their growing family, and this was the first of them. It still had about fifteen minutes left to cook.
"I don't think so, thanks," Stef said. "I might go and offer your bartending services to the others if you don't mind."
"Of course not," Connor replied. "I'm always happy to play bartender."
He ended up making virgin cocktails for Jude, Mikey, and Marley, as the kids thought it was a novelty, and vodka cocktails for Lena and Mariana. Things were going well, Connor thought, until Callie burst in the door. She wasn't in a bad mood, per se. She greeted Mikey and Marley with enthusiasm, although she wasn't a baby person and didn't dote on Carla the way that she did her older niece and nephew. She said hello to Brandon and Mariana, hugged her mothers, and cuddled Jude. While she was holding onto her younger brother, she glared flatly at Connor.
Connor looked away from her. He knew that Callie would be the biggest issue, although he could hardly blame her. He was surprised that the rest of the family had accepted his presence happily the way that they had. He knew that Jesus would likely say something about his presence, but he would likely go the same way as his twin – a comment, just so Connor knew that he noticed, but nothing meant to harm.
"I thought Moms were joking when they said you were coming," she said to Connor.
"Callie," Jude said. "Please don't. It's my birthday."
"I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'm not. I'm thirty-seven tomorrow. I can take care of myself."
"Then why are you two living together again if you're not a couple? It makes no sense, Jude."
"Callie, it doesn't have to make sense to you. This is my life and I know what I'm doing. Connor and I aren't a couple but for reasons that only we need to understand, we need to be in the same house right now."
Connor drummed his fingers along the top of the island awkwardly, trying not to look at anyone in particular. He focused on his fingernails. Jude was right in everything he was saying; they weren't a couple and the only people who needed to understand what was going on was him and Jude. He couldn't deny the feeling of hurt inside to hear that Jude didn't consider them a couple. They were going on dates and kissing; they were still married; and Connor was the only one still wearing his wedding band.
"He left you, Jude."
"I kicked him out!" Jude snapped back. "I was there, Callie. I know what happened."
"I'm just trying to look out for you!"
"I'm an adult."
"Maybe," Stef interrupted, "We should have this conversation a little more civilly. Callie, Jude knows what's going on –"
"Are you keeping secrets?!" Callie yelled, and Jude winced at the high volume.
"I'm an adult!" he repeated.
"Let's go outside," Stef suggested. "Come on, out on the porch."
Connor was immediately on his feet to chase after Jude, but he felt Lena's arm on his elbow. "Why don't you stay with me, Connor? I need some help here."
Connor leant against the counter.
"Jude and Stef can talk Callie down. You might enflame the situation," Lena said softly. "She'll be all right by the time we eat."
"Mom?" Mariana called, reappearing in the kitchen. "What's all the yelling?"
"Don't worry about it. We need to have two private powwows right now, though."
Mariana looked uncertain, but then she glanced at Connor. "Callie shouldn't be so mad. It's just that … she loved you too. None of us thought that it would be you and Jude, Connor. I'm sorry."
"Thanks, Mariana. I'll always consider you family, no matter what."
"The same to you," she said. "I'll leave you two alone now."
When Mariana was gone, Lena leant against the counter next to Connor, so that there was little to no chance of being eavesdropped on.
"I think," she said, "it's time to be honest with me."
"I've never lied to you," Connor replied, confused. "Well … not since we told you what really happened with Jude. But we've kept you completely updated on everything that he's feeling and going through –"
"When it comes to Jude's health, I believe you're always going to tell the truth. You love him too much to not put his best interests first."
Connor closed his eyes against the word 'love'. "Lena, we're separated. We said the word divorce right after that happened and –"
"You can trust me."
"I trust you, Lena."
"Then confide in me," Lena urged him. "I won't tell anyone you told me, not even Stef. But you can't keep this all to yourself, Connor. It's not healthy."
"Not even Stef?" Connor whispered.
"Not even Stef," Lena repeated.
Connor took a shaky breath, and then it all just fell out of him. How agonized he had been during the separation and all that had happened between the two of them since Connor had moved back in. He told her about sleeping in the same bed every night; every kiss; every date. The only thing that Connor withheld from her was Jude's self-harm, as it was not his secret to tell. But everything else was on the table – Connor's fears for Jude and Mikey, and his fears for the future. He finished by saying, "I need to get this right, Lena. I can't lose him. I'm supposed to be with him. I love him and I know he loves me."
"Of course he does and I know you do," Lena said, a small, knowing smile on her face. "It sounds like you and he are both working on it. I'm proud of you for being able to move on from the spot you were at."
"Do you think we can do it?"
"I know you can do it. I know you both want your marriage to work out."
"Sometimes I feel as if I shouldn't ask him things, because it's too much for him. You know, the things that bother me. Like … I know we're moving slowly. That's how I know we need to move. But I want to know if he considers us a couple or if we're still in that weird space where we might not be anything. I want to bring up his wedding ring. I want to talk about the apartment and telling Mikey and the future and … so much that I don't even know about. But Jude has to come before our relationship."
Lena was smiling at him sweetly and she patted his arm. "You are far greater than any man I could have hoped for him to find."
"Thank you."
"You need to think of yourself too. And if you need to make this about Jude –"
"I do."
Lena chuckled. "He's going to feel babied. Just sit down and talk it out, it's what's best for the both of you. He just wants to talk to you, more than anything else. You can take that on maternal authority."
"Thank you, Lena."
"Now, give me a hug." Connor did as she asked, and while she was squeezing him tightly, she squealed, "I'm so happy this is working out between you two. I knew it would. I knew it."
"Where was your faith when I packed my bags?" Connor said sarcastically. "Oh, don't … Don't look at me like that. We've managed to let all of it go."
"I'm glad."
They heard the front door open and Connor spun away from Lena. He became anxious as Jude walked back in. Callie was close on his heels, with Stef herding the both of them. Jude didn't look too upset as he took a seat at the island. Stef looked at Callie like she was an errant child, as Callie hovered like one in the doorway.
"I'm sorry, Connor," she said, "I was rude."
"It's all right, Callie. I understand why you'd think the way that you do."
Something fierce crossed her face, but Callie glanced at Jude and reined it in. "Thank you. I'm, um, going to go sit with Mariana now."
She left the room. Just as she did, the oven timer went off. Stef clapped her hands together. "The first pizza!"
"And no Jesus," Lena added.
"Family!" A deep booming voice rang through the house.
Upstairs, Connor heard the two loud shrieks of children. "UNCLE JESUS!"
"You were saying?" Stef smirked. "Let me take the pizza, Mama."
Stef lifted the hot pan out of the oven and carried it to the table for cutting while Lena slid the next one in. That done, she said that they should all head to the dining room. She led the way, while Jude and Connor followed a few steps back.
"What did you and Mom talk about?" Jude whispered.
"I'll tell you when we get home, okay?"
"Promise?"
"Every word, I promise."
They headed into the dining room, where everyone had crowded in.
"We have a few more pizzas to cook, so don't worry if you're not full after this one!" Lena said. "Now, dig in!"
There was a dig and tear for pizza. Connor made sure that both Jude and Mikey had a slice in their hands, and then he realized that the rest of the pizza had been poached. He shrugged and took a step back, thinking that he'd catch the next one, only to find Jude handing him half of his slice.
"You don't have to."
"It's covered in mushrooms. You know you want it."
"Thanks."
"Besides, it's my birthday and I do what I want to."
"Well, tomorrow is your real birthday."
"And I'll do what I want to then too," Jude said confidently.
"Be nice. I'm withholding your present until tomorrow."
"Wait, what?"
Connor grinned. "So be nice."
"I'm always nice."
Connor knew better than to reply to that. The pizzas passed in a quick succession of family discussion. Jesus talked lengthily about his girlfriend, Kimiko, and how much he missed her. She had moved to California from Japan about five years ago. Her father had recently passed away and she had decided to return home for several months to help her mother get the affairs in order and, hopefully, move her mother to California too. He confessed that he was going to propose to her upon her return to America and asked his mothers to help him pick out a ring. This prompted Mikey to ask if Jesus was going to have kids soon, and Jesus grabbed Mikey and hung him upside down.
"Nope!" Jesus said, "Because they won't be as awesome as you."
"Are you saying I'm not awesome?" Marley demanded, hands on her hips. She whipped her long braids around threateningly.
Jesus passed Mikey, still upside down, over to Connor, and grabbed Marley, flipping her into the same position. He looked down at her enough to meet her eyes and said, "You are as awesome as your Mom was."
"My mom was really awesome, wasn't she, Dad?"
Brandon smiled, but it was clear that there was still some pain in the expression. Marley's mother had passed away when Marley was four years old from an inoperable brain tumour and it had nearly destroyed Brandon. Alisha had been a co-worker that Brandon had been seeing casually until they found out that she was pregnant. Although Brandon had sworn up and down at the many family dinners preceding Marley's birth that he and Alisha weren't going to be those people that got married because of a baby, and they were perfectly happy working out ways to raise their child while living apart and dating casually, they had gotten married when Marley was eight months old. They had been happy, even after the diagnosis. They had been happy up until the day that Alisha died.
"She was the best, Marl," Brandon said. "You know that."
"I know that!" Marley said. "Flip me, Uncle Jesus!"
Jesus did as she asked and flipped her in a complete circle before letting her land on her feet.
"My turn!" Mikey cried. "My turn!" He scrambled down from Connor's hold and rushed toward his uncle. "Flip me! Flip me!"
"Okay, but keep your legs tucked in. You're a tall kid!"
Marley crept over to Jude and Connor. "Uncle Jude?"
"Yeah?"
"Mom's birthday was last Sunday. Your birthdays are really close together!" she informed him.
"Sometimes we celebrated our birthdays together," Jude told her.
"Really?"
"Yep."
Marley climbed up on Jude's knee. "How would you celebrate it?"
"Well, on her real birthday, she and your dad and her parents and you would go out for a big birthday dinner. And then on a day between my birthday and hers, we would find a time when everyone wasn't busy and we'd come over and have lots of food like this. And we'd get an extra big cake so that we could write both of our names on it and so that we could both take lots of leftovers."
"Dad said her favourite kind of cake was chocolate."
"It was," Jude said.
"But she always put vanilla ice-cream on it," Connor told her, leaning toward the little girl like they were conspiring together.
Marley's brown eyes went wide. "Vanilla?"
Connor nodded.
"Dad didn't tell me that part!" She hopped off Jude's lap and darted off to see Brandon.
Jude knitted his hands together and looked down.
"Hey, are you okay?" Connor asked, nudging his arm.
"That was almost Mikey. Except Alisha did everything she could to stay with her daughter. I wanted to leave him. "
"Jude …"
"How could I even think of forgiving myself for that?" Jude whispered.
"Because you were in a bad spot. That doesn't excuse it but it's more understandable –"
Connor was cut off by Stef re-entering the room with a large cake in her hands, candles lighting up the edges. "Happy birthday!"
With that exclamation, the rest of the family joined in. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Jude, happy birthday to you! And many more!"
Mikey popped up on Jude's shoulder as the cake was settled in front of him. "Can I help you blow out the candles, Father?"
"Of course." Jude's voice was a little lackluster, but he pulled Mikey to sit on the chair with him. He wrapped his arms around Mikey's waist and together they leant forward over the cake.
"Three, two, one!" Lena counted down, a camera in her hands.
On the signal, Mikey and Jude were able to blow out all of the candles on the cake.
"We did it, Father, look, we did it!"
"I couldn't have done it without your help!" Jude squeezed Mikey tightly.
"I know!" Mikey preened. "Can we eat it now?"
"We can it eat now. Here, Mom, hand me the knife, and I'll start cutting."
"No, it's okay, love, I've got it." Stef adjusted her hand around the knife and cut the cake down the side.
Jude didn't say another word about it, but Connor saw his hand ball into a fist under the dining room table. Connor glanced behind them to make sure that there was no one there and then, moving slowly so he didn't catch Mikey's attention, Connor covered the top of Jude's hand in his own. At first, he felt Jude's first become tenser under his palm and then, slowly, Jude relaxed. Connor rubbed the back of Jude's hand for a second, trying not to press hard as it was his bandaged hand.
"Happy birthday!" Stef said, setting the cake down in front of Jude with a flourish. "Who's next?"
"And who wants ice-cream?" Lena called over the chorus of "Me next!".
Everyone let out a cry for ice-cream. As they ate, Connor found himself playing with Jude's foot under the table. He saw Jude look at him out of the corner of his eye and then smile secretly into Mikey's hair. Connor couldn't help it. He wanted to touch some part of Jude; he wanted to flirt. Jude was happy to flirt back, skimming the edge of his sock foot across the top of Connor's toes and then brushing his toes against Connor's shins. By the time Mikey decided it was time for Jude to open his presents, Connor couldn't keep the smile off of his face.
"Will you open mine first, Father?"
"Of course I want to open yours first!"
Mikey climbed back up onto Jude's lap, this time with a gift in his hand – one that he had clearly wrapped himself. Jude glanced at Connor, but Connor shrugged. He had asked Mikey what he wanted to get Jude for his birthday, but Mikey had simply patted his dad on his shoulder and assured him that he 'had it under control'. Jude picked up the gift and weighed it in his hand.
"It's heavy."
"I hope you like it!"
Jude unwrapped the gift slowly, then, "Oh, Mikey, I love it!"
He held it up for the family to see. It was a piece of clay that Mikey had pressed his hands into. Above it, he had printed his name and age. Then, he had painted in the hands. The left hand had been coloured in blue completely. The right hand was painted bright yellow with a smiley face, sticking its tongue out, on the palm.
"I made in art class and then kept it a secret from you!"
"Thank you."
Jude squeezed Mikey again and then he and his son opened the rest of his presents. His family only gave him little knick-knacks for birthdays; it was really being together that mattered to them. He kissed and hugged everyone for their gifts and then, Carla started bawling, so Mariana decided that it was best they go, and the party broke up from there. Jude, Connor, and Mikey were the last ones to leave, taking their time to kiss Stef and Lena goodbye and thank you for hosting.
"Thank you for coming," Lena said. "I always said you should come to more of our family dinners."
"Only because it was Jude's birthday."
"You are welcome here," Stef added.
"Thank you. I'll probably see you soon."
"And happy birthday, Jude."
He hugged his mothers again, as if they hadn't hugged enough today.
Mikey had each of his cheeks kissed and then they were out the door. He raced Connor to the car. Connor let the boy win and Mikey slammed his hand triumphantly over the passenger side's door handle. He continued his victory dance even as Connor loaded him into the car. He only stopped his dancing when Jude mentioned that they'd get home in time for him to brush his teeth and climb into bed.
"We stayed at Grandmas' house for a long time," Mikey observed.
"Did you have fun?" Jude asked.
"Yeah! I like when there's lots and lots of people! Did you have a good birthday, Father?"
"The best birthday."
When they turned the car off in the driveway, Mikey asked if he could unlock the front door. While Jude said yes, Connor patted his front pocket to make sure he had his set. He didn't know what Mikey could do with the keys, but he didn't particularly want to find out either. Mikey only needed Jude to shine his cell phone light on the lock and he was able to fit the key in and turn it.
"I did it!"
"You did it!" Connor announced. "Can you go put your jammies on?"
"I'm not tired!" Mikey cried, kicking off his shoes so that they loudly thudded off the wall.
"I know, but you have school in the morning," Connor said.
"No, I don't," Mikey said brightly before skipping off into the house.
"We're not falling for that!" Connor called after him. He sighed heavily and looked at Jude, "Watching him run around like that makes me tired."
"That's because you're old," Jude said sweetly, patting Connor on the shoulder. "Here, go put the cake in the kitchen. I'll start herding our kid."
Connor decided that Jude was a miracle worker. By the time Connor had put the cake away and then climbed the stairs, Mikey had his pyjamas on and was halfway through brushing his teeth. He spit and rinsed and then let his parents tuck him in.
"What now?" Connor asked Jude.
"Couch?"
"Couch."
They made their way downstairs and made themselves comfortable on the couch. Jude curled the blanket around his shoulders and he and Connor sat across from each other on the couch. They sat almost knee to knee, watching each other's expressions.
"So," Jude said, while flipping through the TV channels. "What did you and Mom talk about?"
"Please don't be angry," Connor said, and he confessed his conversation with Lena. He left out only the last bit about things he wanted to talk to him about since Connor wanted to have those things be a separate conversation.
When he was done, Jude asked, "You thought I would be mad that you told Mom?"
Connor nodded. "Just because I know we weren't going to talk about this until we knew about us for sure."
"If you talked to anyone, I'm glad it was Mom. And everyone needs to talk about somethings sometimes. I'm not mad."
Connor sat up a little straighter. "Okay … There's a few other things I want to talk to you about."
Jude began to look apprehensive. "Like?"
"Before I start, I want to make sure you know that I'm not asking for solutions to any of this tonight. I just want to make sure you know that I'm thinking about them so you can start thinking about them. That way, we both know where we stand when it's actually time to come up with solutions."
"Okay …" Jude looked more reassured, despite the hesitation in his voice.
"First thing is my apartment. Just because I want you to remember that it's still there, even as little more than a storage locker."
Jude nodded. "Okay."
"And then Mikey. Not because I think we should tell him anything now, but because the better we do the more likely it is we'll have to tell him something and I'm worried about talking to him, so I'd like to talk about it between us."
"Yeah. That makes sense. I know how you feel with that."
Connor looked at Jude's bandaged left ring finger and decided that conversation could wait until he was able to wear a ring before he thought about bringing it up. "And this next one, well, I'd like it if you did say something tonight but it's okay if you can't."
"I can do that for you," Jude promised.
"I just … I want to know how you think of us and how you see us. You said you saw me as your best friend again and that makes me really happy, but we've been on a couple of dates since then … And I know you don't totally view me as a husband again either. I guess I just want to know if you view us as a couple in your mind; if you think of us as together. Because I do."
"I do think of us as together. I don't qualify any other way though. Like, I don't think 'husband' or 'fiancé' or 'boyfriend' like I did before, you know?"
"I understand."
"Is that okay? I don't want you to be disappointed."
"I'm not. You're not disappointing in the slightest."
It made Connor smile when Jude smiled.
"Mom, Callie and I didn't talk about much," Jude volunteered. "She just said that she was trying to look out for me while I told her I was an adult and Mom backed me up."
"I'm sorry that happened."
"We both knew it'd be Callie," Jude said. He laid down on the couch and Connor stretched out too so that they were lying nose to nose. "And I know it's because she loves me. I can't fault her for that."
"No." Connor rested his hand against Jude's waist. "I guess you can't. Was it a happy birthday?"
Jude nodded, a little smile on his face. "Yeah, it was."
"What was the happiest part?"
"Cake and presents because everyone was around and you and Mikey were right there so I just felt complete." Jude rubbed his foot against Connor's calf. "And I like it when you do stuff like that, for the record."
"Good. Because I like doing stuff like that."
Jude pressed his forehead against Connor's. "Can I ask you something?"
"Always." Connor rubbed Jude's side. "You know that."
"What was the happiest moment in your entire life?"
"My entire life?" Connor repeated.
"When you were nothing but happy," Jude added.
"Oh, well, that's easy then. That would be when you proposed to me."
"Really?"
"Mhm. Not to say that adopting Mikey or getting married or the thousand amazing things that have happened to me didn't matter. But there was always something else there too, like anxiety or excitement. But your proposal, I was nothing but happy."
"You cried," Jude remembered.
"I wasn't expecting it."
"I didn't mean to do it like that. I was going to take you out for dinner and think of something big to say –"
"Stop. It was perfect. I cried, remember?"
"I remember."
(-.-)
"You know how to tire a man out," Connor said, kissing along Jude's warm neck.
Jude tightened his grip on Connor's torso before sitting up and straddling Connor's lower stomach. He drew both hands down the length of Connor's chest, innocently asking, "In the best way?"
"Oh, the absolute best way," Connor agreed, unable to keep his hands off his boyfriend. "But then you sit like that and I don't think I'm that tired anymore."
Jude laughed and tickled Connor's ribs. In response, Connor flipped him down on the bed, pinning him to the comforter they'd left thoroughly rumpled. The early afternoon sunlight drifted across Jude's face and Connor's heart nearly stopped.
"How did I get so lucky?" Connor murmured.
Jude propped himself up onto his elbows so that their faces were together. "Your stunning good looks."
Connor laughed and kissed Jude again, not resisting as Jude guided him backward, lying him against the pillows. Jude straddled Connor's waist again, and Connor held Jude's waist as Jude leant over him, strangely far for a moment before hovering over his face again.
"How much do you love me?" Jude whispered against Connor's lips.
"More than countable or understandable. I just love you, entire." Connor rested his hand against Jude's chest, feeling his heart beating erratically. "Do you love me?"
"Completely and utterly and entirely," Jude replied. "Which is why I need to talk to you about something."
"What?" Connor pushed his head back against the pillows, trying to get a better look at Jude's face. Jude stayed propped over him, staring into Connor's eyes.
"Well, since I love you and you love me, and since I'm not never going to love anyone but you –"
"I'm never going to love anyone but you either," Connor interrupted, his confusion making him anxious. "It's you, Jude."
"It's you," Jude repeated, kissing Connor quickly. "Which is why I … I mean, you … Please, Connor, marry me?"
"What?" Connor's voice was a pitched whisper as Jude picked up his left hand and poised a gold ring at the tip of his finger. "Really?"
He could feel the tears forming already. There was a ring there, for him. Jude had bought him a ring. Jude wanted to marry him. Those three thoughts whizzed around his head in a loop, because part of him was so breathless that he couldn't believe this was reality. Something so perfect had to be a dream.
"Really," Jude replied. "Please say yes."
"Yes," Connor whispered breathlessly. There was absolutely nothing else to say. This was all that he wanted out of life. "Yes!"
When Jude slipped the cold metal over his knuckles to the base of his finger, Connor let the tears fall down his cheeks and onto the pillow beneath him. He stared at his hand in disbelief, and then he spread his hand over Jude's chest again, admiring the ring more fully.
Jude caught his wrist, running his thumb over the back of Connor's hand. He looked down to inspect the ring a little more closely and anxiously asked, "Do you like it? I didn't want to get you just a plain band but I didn't think you'd want anything flashy either."
"No, it's exactly what I want," Connor assured him.
Jude could have gotten him any sort of ring or anything even in a ring-like shape and Connor would have adored it. But with the ring Jude had given him, it was clear that Jude had put thought into it, and he had ended up with something that Connor loved; it was almost exactly what he would have chosen for himself, if given the opportunity. His ring was a gold band with his birthstone in the center. On either side of his birthstone there was a small diamond.
"Jude, it's perfect." He pulled Jude down to his side and cuddled into him. "You're perfect."
"I love you."
"I love you too." Connor looked up at him. "We're getting married, Jude!"
"We're getting married, Connor!" Jude kissed him fully.
"You're going to be my husband!" Connor exclaimed.
"You're going to be my husband," Jude countered, clearing the tears away from Connor's eyes. "But first, I get to call you my fiancé."
Connor grinned at the word. "I never thought I would be so happy about you not being my boyfriend."
"But you're not anymore," Jude replied, happiness leaking out of every word. "You're my fiancé."
"Say it again."
Jude did, whispering the words against Connor's lips, and Connor's heart leapt and thudded in his chest. Beethoven could never have dreamed to compose a symphony that sounded as wonderful as Jude Adams-Foster calling him his fiancé .
"Why are you still crying?" Jude asked, clearing the tears away from the corner of Connor's eyes again.
"I'm just really glad you fell in love with me," Connor replied, kissing at Jude's collarbone. "I can't imagine a life without you in it."
"And we've got the rest of our lives to be together." Jude traced the outline of Connor's ring.
"We're going to get married and buy a house and adopt a kid or two and grow old together and be happy the whole way through," Connor exclaimed.
He could see it all; he could see every little detail in his mind. Laid out aloud like that, it sounded mildly childish and mildly boring, but that didn't bother Connor. He wanted boring. He wanted falling asleep next to the same man for the rest of his life and having to deal with things like school lunches and coming home from work and the small struggles of marriage. He didn't need to have a glorious love story; he didn't want the struggle and strife that came along with it. He just wanted to be able to kiss Jude every day and fall asleep listening to his heartbeat every night, because he was in love with him and he knew that just being near him would always make Connor smile like this.
"Well," Jude said, leaning over Connor, "first we plan a wedding."
"First we plan a wedding," Connor echoed.
"And then we get married."
Connor was grinning so hard so he could only manage to squeak, "Married."
"And then we buy a house."
"And then we buy a house."
"And then we adopt a kid."
"Maybe two?"
Jude made a little noise at the back of his throat and kissed at Connor's neck. "Well … How about we adopt one and then after a year or two of one we talk about another one?"
"That's a good plan. One might be all we want," Connor said. "We should adopt a son."
"And name him after you," Jude said.
"Or you."
Jude laughed. "And then we have our family and then we raise our kid and then we grow old together."
"Do you think you'll still love me when we're old?"
"I know I'm going to still love you when you're old." Jude kissed Connor's palm and then he pressed his lips to the ring. "The only difference is you'll be Connor Adams-Foster Stevens."
"Oh!" Connor whispered. "Say that again."
Jude reached up and cradled Connor's head between his two hands and Connor found himself gripping Jude's hips. Jude pressed their foreheads together and took his time, letting each name roll off of his tongue. Connor felt like he was floating as Jude spoke, drawing him closer and closer with every breath.
"I love you," Jude whispered. "Marry me?"
"You already asked," Connor replied, hooking his hands around Jude's neck.
"I know. But … I was going to write you a speech, take you out, not ask like this. You just … I'm so in love with you. I couldn't look at you for another second and not know that everything we talked about having, we were really going to have. I can't wait to marry you. And I need you to know exactly what I think of you. Exactly how much I love you."
"I know," Connor assured him, settling his thighs against Jude's hips. "I know."
"Can you, though?" Jude asked him. "Can you really know how much I love you?"
"As much as you can know how much I love you," Connor replied. "How much do you think I love you?"
"Entirely."
"Good answer," Connor said, and he smiled as Jude held him close. "Kiss me?"
"Anything you want, fiancé."
"And keeping calling me that," Connor added quickly, before Jude's lips touched his own.
"Anything you want, fiancé," Jude repeated.
Then Jude kissed him breathless.
(-.-)
Jude had fallen asleep on the couch. He had Connor's arm trapped under his body and Connor had lost feeling in it hours ago. He wasn't quite ready to wake Jude yet. He slipped his arm around Jude's waist and pulled Jude's back closer to his chest. Jude barely stirred as Connor gently traced the bandages around Jude's left hand and then down to the base of his ring finger. Jude hadn't worn his ring in so long that there wasn't even a recognizable tan line, particularly now that his hand had been bandaged for as long as it had been.
Connor felt his chest begin to tighten and he curled himself further around Jude, hiding his face in the back of Jude's t-shirt. In the background, the movie he'd barely been paying attention to continued on, but he fully blocked it out as he remembered the day that he had realized Jude had taken his wedding ring off. Try as he might, Connor couldn't stop the painful memory from playing out in his mind in every agonizing detail.
(-.-)
"The book fair is coming next week," Mikey said, looking down at his plate.
"I read about that in your newsletter," Jude replied, sounding tired. "Is there anything you want to buy?"
"Spy books!" Mikey said. "Do you think there will be spy books?"
"I bet there will be," Jude said.
"I'm going to be a spy when I grow up. I'll wear all black and run around kicking butt."
"Those are ninjas," Connor said, not looking up from the e-mail he had open on his phone.
"Nu-uh! Spies can wear black too! Can't they, Father? Can spies wear black too?"
"Yes, spies can wear black too. How else could they be sneaky?"
This time, Connor did look up, because he was thoroughly annoyed. Jude couldn't even agree with him on the smallest of things. It was like he was trying to make Connor look bad in front of their son. Jude wasn't looking back at him, though. He was staring down at his plate, pushing his potatoes in a circle around his portion of roast.
"Father's right, Dad," Mikey informed Connor.
"Of course he is," Connor muttered. "Isn't he always?"
Mikey's eyebrows drew together as he thought, and then he replied, "No, Dad. Sometimes you're right."
"Jude, pass the salt. The roast is tasteless."
Jude heaved a sigh but picked up the salt shaker, leaning to pass it to Connor. Connor glanced up to make sure he was going to clasp it properly, and then he found his gaze snapping upward again. That was Jude's left hand … There was just a tan line. Connor felt his jaw began to tremble and he slammed his back teeth together to keep himself from saying anything in front of Mikey. He poured salt over his food and focused on chewing it, although everything had lost any sort of flavour; it was like chewing on sawdust.
Jude had taken his wedding ring off.
The angry truth ran in circles around his head until he couldn't think of anything else. As soon as dinner was done, Connor banished himself to the home office. All he wanted to do was yell at Jude. He wanted to demand why. Why had he taken his ring off? Why had he given up on their marriage? Why had he started seeing someone else, because it was obvious that he had? Why didn't he love Connor anymore?
He hadn't gotten any work done when Mikey knocked on the door and slowly walked in to give him a goodnight hug and kiss. Connor said 'I love you' and 'goodnight' and 'leave the door open'. Mikey said 'I love you' back, and then trotted out, leaving the door as Connor had instructed. Connor sat quietly at his desk, not working, just fuming, as he listened to Jude read Mikey his bedtime story. The minute he heard Jude leave Mikey's room and go downstairs to the kitchen, Connor was on his feet, heading down the stairs too.
Jude was standing at the kitchen counter, sorting the dinner dishes into the dishwasher or the sink, depending on how they needed to be washed. He didn't look up or turn around, though Connor knew that Jude had heard him enter the room. Connor found himself staring at Jude's left hand. Where had he put his ring?
Finally, Connor cleared his throat. "I need to talk to you."
"Talk then."
"Downstairs."
Jude let out a heavy sigh and slammed the pan down into the sink. They both knew that the basement was for arguments, since Mikey couldn't hear them clearly when they were downstairs. Jude turned to face him.
"Go, then."
Connor led the way down to the basement. He flicked the TV over to a music station and turned it up, just to further cover the sounds of their conversation and then he looked at Jude.
"What?" Jude snapped.
"Where's your ring?"
"Oh, so you finally noticed."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I took it off and week and a half ago."
"What?!"
"Why bother to keep it on?"
"Did your boyfriend tell you to take it off?"
"What boyfriend? Can't I hate you enough on my own to not want to be married to you anymore?"
"That's rich coming from the biggest asshole in this house!"
"What's that supposed to mean? What do I do? Stay at the office all day and night? Oh, wait, that's you!"
"I didn't take my wedding ring off!"
"Which isn't a sin!" Jude shouted at him. "The only reason you're concerned over that ring is because you're possessive!"
"I'm possessive because you're cheating on me!"
"I'm not. I'm so tired of saying that I'm not. When do I have time between going to work and coming home and cooking and taking care of our kid and the thousand other things that you don't do because you're damn job is so much more important than your family?!"
"I work for this family! We wouldn't live the way we do were it not for my job! You're the one that leeches off of me. We wouldn't have this damn house, this stupid house, that you just needed if it weren't for my job. What about everything else that you've ever wanted, Jude? My money has given you whatever you needed."
"You're not the only one with a job! Just because your paycheck has a few higher numbers in it than mine does doesn't mean that you're worth more. You're not home. If you left there wouldn't be any sort of difference!"
"Maybe I should leave!" Connor shouted, and then he waited for Jude to say 'no'. He waited for Jude to say that leaving wouldn't solve anything and that things weren't that bad. He waited for Jude to tell him to stay.
Instead, Jude looked down at his sock feet. "I've been thinking about asking you to."
"You can't kick me out of my own house."
"I was going to wait until after Christmas and then I thought … Mikey's birthday. I was going to ask in February. I wanted Mikey to have a few more months, just through the holidays and his birthday, because I wouldn't want to take that from him."
"You can't kick me out of my own house!" Connor repeated, more angrily this time.
"You're the one that does everything to not come home and then when you're here you limit yourself to your office. When was the last time you even helped Mikey with his homework or tucked him into bed? You've forfeited your right to call it your house."
"Then Mikey's coming with me!"
"Over my dead body do you take my son out of his home."
"My son," Connor snapped.
"Connor, don't make this any harder than it has to be," Jude begged. "There has to be enough left of you that cares about me enough to not make this worse."
"I don't want to go."
"You don't want to be here either."
Connor choked on his breath, but then admitted, "No, I really don't. But if I move out, if you really want this to happen, then we're getting a divorce."
Jude closed his eyes.
Connor waited for Jude to fight him on that too. Divorce was scary and final and they were never supposed to get divorced. They could work through this, couldn't they? Even though they had fallen apart so far, Connor thought that they could do it. Maybe if they tried. He didn't know how to try.
"If a divorce is what you want," Jude said, "then you can have it."
"What?" Connor whispered.
"I'm tired of fighting you," Jude said. "I'm so tired of the way that we've been living. I give up. I completely give up. After Mikey's birthday, I want you to move out and then you can start the divorce proceedings. I don't care anymore, Connor."
"Not even about me?" Connor asked, although it was clear that Jude didn't care about him anymore.
"I thought I was going to spend my life with you," Jude said, and he used his bare left hand to wipe at his eyes. "But now I can't spend another day with you."
Jude turned his back on him then. Connor managed to stay upright until Jude was on the main level of the floor and then he fell to his knees with a devastating thud. He didn't know how to move or how to breathe anymore. His marriage had just ended. His life with Jude was now over. In his chest, he could feel his heart shatter and break and he struggled for air.
It was fair. Everything that Jude had said was fair and true and it shook Connor to his core. This was no longer his basement. He was a guest in this house; this house that he and Jude had picked out together with dreams of being in love in it for decades. It was over. Everything was over.
And then Connor swore his heart stopped.
(-.-)
"Connor? Are you okay?" He felt Jude's bandaged hand tighten around his own and press it against his chest.
"Yeah," Connor lied, pressing his nose against Jude's spine. Then he realized that he shouldn't lie. "No."
"What's wrong?"
"I was thinking about one of our fights. When you told me to move out," Connor clarified. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we ever got to that point. I'm sorry we didn't fix it long before then."
"Me too … Hold on." Jude turned himself over on the couch, facing Connor. "We both could have done a lot of things differently. I sat on my anger instead of talking to you about it. But we're here now. We can get it right now."
Connor nodded. "I want to."
"Me too." Jude kissed the tip of Connor's nose.
"It's after midnight," Connor said. "Happy birthday, Jude."
"Does this mean I get my present now?" Jude teased.
"No, it's not that easy," Connor replied.
"But I want to know."
"Soon." Connor kissed his cheek. "How about a birthday kiss?"
"Okay."
Jude leant up on one elbow and kissed Connor softly. It was a brief kiss but it left them both smiling as Jude curled back into Connor's side.
"We don't want to fall asleep down here," Connor murmured. "You'll fall off the couch."
"I'll push you off first so I'll have something soft to land on."
"Whatever gets you on top of me," Connor joked.
Jude let out a small chuckle and swatted at Connor's ribs. "Upstairs, I guess."
"So you can get on top of me there?"
"Don't get ahead of yourself," Jude told him.
"Oh, never." Connor waited until Jude had pulled him upright and was leading him upstairs to add, "I want you ahead of me."
"Tease," Jude accused.
"No," Connor mused, allowing one hand to brush along Jude's tailbone. "That's you."
Jude paused outside of their bedroom door. He was acutely aware of Mikey's ajar door, but he knew that they were about to go their separate ways to get ready for bed. So he admitted in the lowest voice he could manage, "I like when you flirt."
"I like flirting with you," Connor assured him and he kissed Jude sweetly. "Meet you in bed in a second."
Jude nodded and Connor reluctantly let go of him so that they could each go and brush their teeth. Connor managed to take longer than Jude did, and Jude was already half asleep, curled up in the pillows when Connor slipped in next to him. Jude twined his limbs around Connor and rested his head against his chest.
"I love you, Jude," Connor whispered.
"I love you too," Jude murmured sleepily.
Connor felt his heart leap into his throat. Jude had said it back. He slipped his arms even further around his husband, feeling completely content. The hope in his chest bubbled and swelled so that he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are: Can You Hold Me by NF ft Britt Nicole (reader recommended); Where Love Went Wrong by Augstana; and Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Sleeping At Last.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~