"Why can't I go?"
"Because it's a grown up party," Jude told Mikey. "Connor, have you seen my dress shoes?"
"Not since the last Christmas party!" Connor said. "Come do my tie."
"Thirty seven and he can't tie a tie," Jude grumbled playfully to Mikey.
"I can tie a tie! Dad, can I try? Please?"
"Sure." Connor sat down on the bed next to Mikey. "Take a whack at it."
Mikey crawled closer and began to play with Connor's tie. "Why is a grown up party and a kid party not the same?"
"This one's a lot less fun," Jude said. "Do you think they're downstairs?"
"Where downstairs? You never kept them in the front closet. It's too small; they would get scuffed."
Jude shut his closet door. "Mikey, have you seen them? You went through a phase of playing in the closet."
"Seen what?" Mikey asked.
"My black dress shoes."
"Nope! I don't know what you're talking about."
Jude opened his closet door again.
"All done!" Mikey announced. He sat back from Connor. "You look very pretty, Dad."
"Thanks." Connor stood up and went to check the mirror. To his surprise, the tie was decently well done. It was a little crooked but even he could tell that the knot was well done. "Who taught you how to do it, Mikey?"
"Father!" Mikey glanced at Jude. "When he had a tired day he would stay in bed. And so I'd find things to do in bed. And one day he taught me how to tie ties."
"It's very impressive, Mikey. Thank you for doing it for me."
"Found them!" Jude called from where he was half inside of the closet. "This is what I get for not thinking about them for a year."
Connor shrugged. "Vengeful shoes. Who knew?"
Jude rolled his eyes and sat next to Mikey on the bed. Mikey crossed his legs underneath of him.
"What time are you picking me up from Uncle Brandon's tomorrow?"
"Twelve-thirty. And right afterward, we're going to get the Christmas tree. So make sure you put on clothes and not just your PJs, okay?"
"Okay, Father!"
"Is your bag all packed?" Connor asked.
"I'll go check!" Mikey somersaulted off the bed and dashed to his room.
Connor watched him go, shaking his head. Then he turned to his husband and said, "Jude, if you don't want to go, just say so."
"I'm nervous about going. I never said I didn't want to." Jude shrugged. "It'll be hard. But, you know, when we decide that it's time to say we're really back together, everything will be hard for a while. Might as well get a head start on it."
"Optimism, I like it."
Jude rolled his eyes.
"My bag's packed!" Mikey yelled.
"Good!" Jude called back. "I think Uncle Brandon is in the driveway!"
Connor and Jude followed their son down the stairs. They would have to depart right after him. Mikey opened the door before Brandon could even knock.
"Ready?" Brandon asked.
"Ready, ready!" Mikey said, but he turned around and hugged his parents tightly.
"We'll see you tomorrow," Connor said. "I love you."
"I love you too!" Mikey said, before leaping on Jude. "I love you, Father."
"I love you too. Have fun with Marley."
"But not too much," Brandon said, hefting Mikey's bag. "Troublemakers."
"Good luck," Connor said.
"Night, Connor. Night, Jude."
"Night, Brandon!"
Jude shut the door behind his older brother. He turned back to Connor, who was shrugging on his coat.
"Oh, come here," Jude said. "Your knot is crooked."
"That's what I get for letting a six-year-old tie it." Connor stood still as Jude reached to adjust his tie.
"Well, if you could do it yourself …"
"Usually you do it."
"Well, I'm fixing it."
Connor looked up at Jude. "How do I look now?"
"Good," Jude said. He smoothed his hands across the front of Connor's suit and then up over his shoulders. "You always look good."
"Never as good as you."
"Uh-huh," Jude managed, before he kissed Connor.
Connor could have stayed in their front entrance all night. But Jude tilted away all too quickly for Connor.
"We're going to be late."
"That's okay."
Jude straightened Connor's tie again. "No, it's not. You know it's not."
"I know." Connor turned around and went to grab his keys.
"No, no." Jude pushed Connor's arm down and reached to grab his keys. "I'm driving home."
"It's your year to have wine with dinner."
"Antidepressants," Jude said. "I shouldn't drink on them."
"You can," Connor pointed out. "Isn't that what Dr. Nadine said?"
Jude bounced his keys against his palm. "Well, yeah. There won't be any adverse reactions and it won't make me sick. It's just not recommended because alcohol's a depressant. Which isn't a plus for already depressed people. I don't need to drink and if I want to push it, I don't want to do it in public. It's okay, Connor. I know you like the wine they serve with dinner."
"Okay. But if you change your mind, just say so. I don't hate your car as much as you hate mine."
Jude smiled. "Thanks, but it's okay." He kissed Connor's cheek and put on his own coat. "Let's go."
They left the house, Jude locking up behind them. They got into the car and drove off to the hotel ballroom that hosted Connor's work party.
(-.-)
"Jude! Hi! I didn't think you were going to come this year!"
Jude held his arms open as Amber hugged him. "You look great."
"Red always was my best colour! This is my date, Cassandra."
"Hi, I'm Connor." Connor stood up a little from his chair, reaching around the candle in order to shake her hand.
As he settled back in his head, Jude was doing the same. Jude leant over and whispered, "What happened to Danny? Last year she said he was the one."
"Passed away in July," Connor whispered back. "She met Cassandra about a month ago. She's been really smiling again."
Jude nodded in understanding and then sat up. "So, Cassandra, what do you do for work?"
"I own a bakery, actually. My sister and my two brothers. My mom and dad started one store and then my sister and my older brother opened a new one and me and my younger brother stayed at the original. Cakes are our speciality. My sister and I like the huge flashy cakes while my brothers like to experiment with flavours. We're a good match for siblings stuck in a bakery business family." She laughed awkwardly and reached for her wine. "What about you, Jude?"
"I'm going back to school, actually. In the new year."
Jude took a shaky breath. Under the table, Connor reached over and rubbed at the top of the leg. He knew that it was hard for Jude to admit that he no longer had a job, but he was proud of Jude for doing it at all. Every mention of his future, particularly to someone who wasn't in the know about his attempted suicide, made Connor feel hopeful.
"What for?" Amber asked.
"Law," Jude said. "Um, I know criminal law is the fun one, but I'm leaning toward family law."
"I'm sure you'll be great," Amber said.
"I always loved school," Cassandra said. "I try and take one class at least every year. There's just something about the classroom."
"I'm excited for something new."
Connor smiled into his wine glass. Jude's voice had been genuine. He was excited.
They continued on with their small talk, even as their dinner plates were dropped off. Connor and Jude didn't think too much about trying things off of one another's plates.
"I should have gotten the chicken," Connor lamented.
"I don't know. The gravy on your roast is really good," Jude replied.
Amber leant forward. "So, Connor, did you hear the good news?"
"What's that?"
"Benjamin is retiring. Which means Alyssa is going to looking to promote someone."
Connor laughed. "Well, if she offers it to me, I'd be an idiot to say no."
"What's Benjamin do, exactly?" Jude asked.
"Basically the same thing that Amber and I do now," Connor said.
"But he makes ten more thousand a year and gets every Thursday and Friday off," Amber said. "Life's just not fair."
"Why don't you think you'd get it?" Cassandra asked.
Amber shook her head. "It's going to come down between Sara and Connor. They've been here the same amount of time and they're the ones that have both been here longest that are, well, smart enough to do this job. Alyssa's fair."
"Sara would do better than me. She's brilliant. And she knows what she's doing more often than I do."
"Completely. But Benjamin spends about ninety percent of his day on the phone. You know how Sara is with people."
"I remember her," Jude said. "She's the cranky woman over there, right? With the black hair?"
Connor nodded. "But she's able to put all of that away when she's working."
"She just takes it out on her co-workers," Amber grumbled.
"Oh, I'll protect you from her," Cassandra said.
"Thanks."
Connor gestured to a nearby waiter. "Can I get a wine refill, please?"
"Right away, sir."
"Glass three," Jude murmured.
"Last one, I promise."
"You know you hit your limit at four."
"I know. I know. Stop trying to be my babysitter."
"Butler," Jude corrected. "Isn't that what you said?"
"It is."
"Hey!" Amber said. "What are you two lovebirds gossiping about?"
"Amber," Connor said warningly, "You know we're not together."
"Mhmm," she said, flipping her hair over one shoulder.
"So," Cassandra said, "What are you ordering for dessert? I think Amber and I are both going for the bacio bianco."
"The dessert menu never changes, even when the dinner menu does. Connor will be getting the cappuccino mud pie and I'll be getting the pears. Then we split."
"The pears sound boring. Who wants to just eat pears for dessert?"
"They're not actual pears," Connor laughed. "It's some kind of ice cream."
"Hazelnut gelato," Jude corrected.
"Same thing as ice cream," Connor said with an eye roll. "It's just shaped like a pear."
"With chocolate shavings," Jude added.
"I may be changing my mind," Cassandra murmured.
Waiters came around to collect the empty dinner dishes. In the confusion, Jude leant over to Connor.
"I know after dessert, Alyssa does her speech and then we move onto the casino games thing, but, Connor, I'm feeling really …"
"Burnt out?" Connor guessed. "Don't worry. But we do have to stay until after Alyssa is done. The prize draws and all of that, you know."
"I know."
"And then we can go. Promise." Connor melted into Jude.
"Get off my shoulder, you lush," Jude teased, shrugging.
Connor sat up. "Don't make fun of me."
"I married you for the right to make fun of you," Jude said.
"Sounds like an excellent reason to get married in my opinion," Cassandra laughed.
Jude held up his water and she clinked her wine glass.
In retaliation, Amber toasted Connor. "To the suffering significant others."
"And how much are you suffering?" Jude asked Connor.
"Uh …" he finished his third glass. "Not at all."
"I'm watching you."
"Good," Connor said. "Fair's fair."
Jude rolled his eyes. "Thank God. Dessert."
As the company members and their guests began to eat, Alyssa began her speech. She said nearly the same thing every year. If it worked, Connor supposed. He tuned her out. After all this time, he could have said each line with her. He liked to focus on his dessert and on Jude's dessert.
"Admit that gelato is better than ice cream," Jude said as Connor took a spoonful of it.
"Why?" Shit. Was he slurring?
"Because you're a little tipsy and this is the easiest way to get you to agree with me."
"Okay. Gelato is super good. Even better than ice cream."
"Thank you," Jude said. "Oh, and you are slurring."
"That was out loud?"
"That was out loud," Jude repeated.
"Oh."
"Why don't you just be quiet and eat my ice cream?"
"Gelato," Connor corrected.
"You're not as clever as you think you are right now," Jude said.
"Oh, I bet I am."
In the background, Alyssa started to announce the door prize winners. The door prizes, however, were nothing shabby. Benjamin won a new TV, which, Connor thought, wasn't a bad thing to leave with at his last Christmas party. Alyssa filtered through their last few prizes, before arriving at the last one.
"But we always save the best for last," she laughed.
Connor knew she was going to say that.
"And the winner of the all-expenses paid weekend trip to New York, to be used any time in the coming year goes to …" She paused dramatically, reaching around in the fishbowl that everyone had dropped their names into on their way into the dinner. "Connor Adams-Foster-Stevens!"
It took Connor a moment to process that was his name that Alyssa just said. And, even when he had it processed, it took Jude nudging him in his back to get Connor to stand up and walk up to Alyssa. He took every step carefully, not sure that he could keep himself walking steadily. He made it to her without any incidents and, like all of the prizewinners before him, Connor shook her hand and took the small envelope containing the details of his winnings.
"Thank you."
"Thank you," she responded, "For everything you do for this company."
Connor shook her hand again and made his way back to Jude. In his absence, the waiter had refilled his wine glass. He picked it up, sipping at it as Alyssa made her expected closing remarks.
"So, what happens now?" Cassandra asked Amber.
"Well, they'll rearrange the tables. They'll set up casino games – poker, blackjack, roulette, etcetera. The bar will stay where it is and there will be a small dance floor. Sometimes they get a band, other times it's just a DJ."
"Alyssa got a DJ this year," Connor informed her.
"Oh, good. I always like that better," Amber said.
"And now, let the games begin!" Alyssa announced.
Jude and Connor stood and moved away from the table as staff cleared then and moved them out of the way. They did it quickly and efficiently, but Jude and Connor still had a few moments to themselves.
"How many of those have you had?" Jude asked, looking down at the wine glass still clutched in Connor's hand. "I forgot to keep counting."
"Six." Connor looked down. "Five and a half." He finished off his glass. "Six … I think we should go home soon."
"I agree." Jude lifted the glass out of Connor's hand and put it on a nearby waiter's tray.
"But before that, we have to go and shake hands and say bye," Connor pointed out. "I don't want to talk to them."
"I'll keep us moving. Come on."
Connor padded along obediently behind Jude. Jude knew who they had to see – the important people in the company and the people in his office that Connor was closest to. He shook their hands, prompted Connor to do so, and then he explained that his brother had called and their son had gotten sick. Yes, Jude said to every one of them, We're sorry about having to leave so early too. Connor, on his part, tried not to say anything unless he was asked directly. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew that was the best option for him.
In an impressively short amount of time, Jude was loading Connor into his passenger seat. He grabbed Connor's seatbelt and leant over his husband.
"I'm not a kid," Connor complained.
"No, but right now you're worse."
As Jude was leaning, Connor ran his hand up the inside of inside of Jude's leg.
"How about you keep your hands to yourself?" Jude suggested.
"I want to give my hands to you," Connor protested.
"I know. But you're drunk." Jude pushed the buckle down. He moved backward and kissed Connor's cheek on his way. "Don't get in my way while I'm driving, though, okay?"
"I'll be good," Connor promised. "Until you don't want me to be."
Jude laughed. He closed Connor's door and circled around to the driver's side. Connor rolled down the car window as soon as Jude turned it on.
"You should drive really fast!"
"Yeah, okay, Mikey."
"I'll pay the ticket."
"You're the only one with a job," Jude pointed out. "You'd have to pay the ticket."
Connor slumped across the console to rest his head on Jude's arm. He poked Jude's bicep. "Hey. Hey. Hey."
"Hey what?"
"I'm proud of you."
"Nothing stressful happened. It was just a draining event in and of itself."'
"No, no. Well, yes. But no."
"You're not making a whole lot of sense, Connor."
"I'm the maker of sense," Connor argued. "But I'm proud of you."
"For what? Oh, look, speed limit's going up. Are you ready for this?"
"So ready," Connor said. "I … I was saying something. Jude, was I saying something?"
"You said you were proud of me and I asked why."
"Oh. Cause it would have been really, really, really easy for you to give up a million different times. And you never did. And you're still trying and I can see you're still trying and I know you're still hurt. Your hand and your side and your heart and you just keep going."
"Well, thank you," Jude said. "How are you feeling?"
"Super good right now!"
"And what about winning the trip?"
"You always wanted the trip," Connor said.
"I always thought we'd go for our anniversary."
"I remember," Connor said. "Well, since we're married and we're going to stay married and since I think those anniversary things happen more than once unless you don't think we're going to tell anyone by the time August comes around."
"Well, when we have that conversation, you're not going to be drunk for it."
"Erph." Connor turned back into Jude's shirt again.
"Connor. Connor. Connor."
Connor sat up. "Why aren't we moving?"
"Because we're home. I think you fell asleep, hon."
"Hon?" Connor unbuckled his seatbelt and threw open his passenger door. "Uh-oh. Jude's annoyed!"
"I'm not annoyed. Why would you say I'm annoyed?"
Connor draped himself across Jude as Jude walked him to the front door.
"Because when you use cutesy names it's 'sweetheart' when you're happy and 'hon' when you're annoyed." He stood on his tip toes to kiss the back of Jude's neck as Jude unlocked the front door. "I'm sorry. I drank too much."
"Yes, you did. But you're kind of funny when you're drunk, so I'll let it pass."
"Thank you, sweetheart."
"Get in the house," Jude ordered him.
Connor stumbled in willingly. "Are we going to bed now?"
"Yes, let's go to bed," Jude agreed. "But first, we're going to get you a water bottle from the kitchen."
"Why?"
"Because you're going to want water when you wake up but I don't trust you to drink out of a glass."
Connor followed Jude into the kitchen. He kept cuddling Jude, even as Jude maneuvered around the kitchen, filling up a water bottle for him.
"You know what?"
"What?" Jude asked.
"You're wearing a suit. But we're going to bed. Which means I get to get you out of the suit."
"I'm not taking advantage of you while you're this drunk."
"But, Jude, I want you to. Please," Connor whined.
"Nope, sorry. Come on, upstairs."
Jude took his hand and slowly walked him up the stairs. Connor followed him along happily, grabbing at his butt as he went.
"What did I say about your hands, Connor?"
"I wasn't listening."
They were up on the second floor of the house now, and Connor planted both of his hands on Jude. They were standing in the short hall and Connor pulled Jude back tight against him. "But, Jude."
He skimmed his hands around to the front of Jude.
"Stop it," Jude said. "You're too drunk for this."
"I know," Connor said, more softly each time. "I know. I know."
Jude lifted Connor's hands away from him. He turned around in Connor's arms and kissed him once on the mouth.
"I don't think you could do anything tonight even if you wanted to." Jude kissed him again on his forehead. "That's why your cap is four."
"You're brilliant and I love you."
"I know, I love you too, and you had six, so you can stop schmoozing."
"Maybe I want to schmooze you." Connor giggled as Jude directed him into their room.
"I'm going to go brush my teeth," Jude said. He placed Connor's water bottle on his nightstand. "Are you going to be okay unattended?"
"I'm an adult."
"Sure, you are."
Jude went into the bathroom. With shaky hands, Connor stripped off his suit. He found that he didn't have the effort to do anything decent with it and, besides, it looked good on the floor. Connor looked around his room, standing in his underwear. Then, he crawled into bed. The sheets felt good and the comforter was cozy. He spread out in bed and was only keeping himself awake because he was waiting for Jude to come back.
The bathroom door opened.
"Finally," Connor groaned.
But Jude didn't turn out the lights or join him in bed. Annoyed, Connor sat up. His head felt too heavy. There was Jude, picking up the pieces of his suit.
"Leave it. Bed time. You said so."
"Your suit can't stay on the floor all night. Drink some water."
Connor grabbed the water bottle, more to appease Jude than anything else. He took a long swig as Jude finished hanging up Connor's suit. Jude pulled his own suit hanger down and rested it on the foot of the bed.
"Wait!"
Jude dropped his hands away from his tie. "Yes, hon?"
Connor ignored Jude as he climbed out of their bed. He approached Jude, standing in front of him, and reaching for his tie. "Let me."
"So you can throw mine all over the floor too?"
"I'll throw yours all over the bed," Connor swore. "Come on. I still know better than to push. Promise. I just want to undress you."
"Okay," Jude agreed.
"Wait."
"Connor, I'm tired."
"You in a suit is sexy. Let me have this."
"You out of your suit is sexy."
"You out of your suit has got to be pretty sexy too."
With care, Connor stripped Jude's tie off. Then, the suit jacket. He took his time, moving it off Jude's shoulders. He circled around to Jude's back to slowly side the jacket off. He had to lope around back to Jude's front. He undid each button slowly and carefully, revealing Jude's chest beneath. Jude grabbed onto the left half of his button shirt, hiding his ribs away.
"I'm stripping you," Connor reminded him.
"You're an honest drunk," Jude said.
"I know. That's why I need a babysitter when I'm drinking around people who I need to be able to talk to again, ever."
"Not me."
"What don't you know?" Connor said. "Quiz me, if it'll give you peace of mind. I'm an open book. But, I'm warning you, drunk to person, you're not going to hear anything new. Trust that."
Jude let go of his shirt. Even Connor realized it meant a lot. He moved the white dress shirt off of Jude, pausing to kiss the top of his shoulder. It took him a moment to undo the dress pants, but he slid them off Jude, dropping to his knees instead of just letting gravity take over. He took the time to press kisses onto Jude's scars. When Connor kissed him one last time, Jude stepped away from the fabric of his dress pants.
"Satisfied?"
"Sort of," Connor said from the floor. He kissed the outside of Jude's thigh. "Okay, yes. Now I just want to be annoying."
"Back in bed, Connor. Come on."
Connor crawled back into bed as Jude hung up his suit. Finally, Jude flicked the light out and crawled into bed next to Connor.
"Hi, I love you," Connor said, adhering himself to Jude's side.
"Hi, I love you too," Jude laughed.
"I got asked out once," Connor said.
"What?" The laughter was out of Jude's voice.
"I was thinking," Connor said, "about things I didn't know if I told you or not."
"And?"
"I got asked out once. After we separated."
"I got that part," Jude said. "What happened?"
"Nothing. I was ordering food. He introduced himself. Asked if I would want to eat in with him instead of take out. And I said no."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted you. And he wasn't you. So why disappoint us both?"
"You could have said yes."
"No. I couldn't have." Connor was quiet. "I picked my nose until I was seven."
"I knew that."
"Since when?"
"Since the first Christmas party."
"Oh … Oh," Connor repeated. "That was the only thing left that I thought you didn't know."
"The only thing?"
"Uh-huh. Can you make me a promise, Jude?"
"Yeah, of course. What is it?"
Connor sat up. "A pinkie promise, Jude. A serious, serious promise."
"Okay." Jude offered his pinkie. "A serious, serious promise it is."
"Promise that you'll be my only husband. I don't want another one."
"I'm not the only one in control of that."
"No, promise. Please, promise."
"Okay," Jude said. "I promise."
He linked their fingers together and Connor smiled. He settled back against Jude's chest and was content, but only for a moment. Then, he was sitting up again. "Jude?"
"Yes, Connor?"
"Will you sing me a song?"
"Yeah, sure. What song do you want to hear?"
"Whatever you want!" Connor flopped against Jude again.
"Anything you don't want to hear?"
"Um, um, um. No."
Jude kissed him on the top of his head. "All right, I've got it."
Connor snuggled in closer to him as Jude softly sang.
"Stars shining bright above you,
"Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you",
"Birds singing in a sycamore tree,
"Dream a little dream of me,
"Say nighty night and kiss me,
"Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me,
"While I'm alone and blue as can be,
"Dream a little dream of me,
"Stars fading but I linger on dear,
"Still craving your kiss,
"I'm longing to linger till dawn dear,
"Just saying this,
"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,
"Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you,
"But in your dreams whatever they be,
"Dream a little dream of me,
"Stars fading but I linger on dear,
"Still craving your kiss,
"I'm longing to linger till dawn dear,
"Just saying this,
"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,
"Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you,
"And in your dreams,
"Whatever they be,
"Dream a little dream of me."
(-.-)
"Come on, Connor. Wake up. Come on."
"Uh-uh."
"I know you're tired and probably hungover but you need to get up and get in the shower now."
"Why?" Connor muttered into his pillow.
"Because we have a son who's expecting us to pick him up so we can all go get a Christmas tree." Jude was rubbing Connor's shoulders. "So you need to go and get in the shower."
"Don't need to."
"Trust me, you do."
"Are you saying I smell?"
"Never. Come on, sweetheart."
Connor grumbled and turned his head. Jude had closed the blinds for him. "You're just saying that to make me happy."
"Okay, fine, you stink and I think I can still smell wine on you. You happy?"
"No, the sweetheart part. You haven't …" Connor swallowed. He wasn't going to throw up. "You haven't said that since way before we separated. But I brought it up last night and now it's back."
"I forgot about it," Jude admitted.
"Forgot?" Connor whispered.
"That it was such a … habit," Jude admitted. "But, I'm going to make it one again. If you want me to."
"I want you to. I always liked it."
"Okay, sweetheart," Jude said, "but you need to shower."
"Okay, okay."
"And drink some water."
"I want coffee," Connor said, as Jude pulled him upright in bed.
"And if you drink some water and shower, I'll have coffee ready for when you're done," Jude promised him.
"Okay, okay," Connor said. "Deal."
He and Jude shook on it. Jude went downstairs and Connor dragged himself to the shower. Standing up wasn't his strong suit right now. But he made it into the shower with his water bottle. Between the shampoo and the body wash, he finished off his water. It wasn't a cure, but he felt slightly better. He crawled out of the shower and dried himself off. He got dressed and made it down the stairs. As promised, Jude had coffee ready for him. It was in a travel mug. Jude placed it in his hand.
"Come on, let's go get Mikey."
In no time at all, they were in Jude's car, heading toward Brandon's. They had barely gotten off their street when Jude said, "Connor, you're staring."
"I know. I want to stare. You can't stop me."
"Uh-huh. How's your head?"
"Head's fine. Or, getting closer to fine, anyway."
"So, how much do you remember from last night?" Jude asked.
"All of it. You were sweet. And you sang to me. And taking you out of a suit was just as fun as I remembered." Connor rested his head against the seat. "How are you feeling?"
"Not as bad as I was last night. I just couldn't get out of my head after so long of smiles and small talk."
"You did fine."
"I know. But it used to be easy. So much used to be easy. I wish it were easy again."
"It will be. You're better. I don't know if you can see it, but I can."
"I feel it. Mostly with my family and with you and Mikey."
"I am proud of you."
"You said so last night."
"Yeah, I thought sober it might mean a little more." Connor took a sip of his coffee.
"I'm proud of you too," Jude said. "Just so you know."
"I owed you," Connor laughed. "I know how to be a good husband, I promise."
"And so do I, I promise." Jude reached across the seats.
Connor picked up his hand, transferring his coffee to the other. He kissed Jude's knuckles softly and then just held his hand. He finished off his coffee by the time that they pulled into Brandon's driveway. He let go of Jude's hand and rested his head against the back of the seat.
"Go fetch Mikey. I'm going to stay here."
"All right," Jude said.
Jude got out of the car and Connor pulled out his cellphone. It was Saturday so there wasn't any work e-mails for him to catch up on. That didn't matter, though. Christmas was next week. After the party, most everyone got their few days for Christmas off. Not that it made a huge difference to Connor. Working from home was better than he expected. Even when Jude went back to school and was eventually reemployed, Connor didn't think he'd go back to the office except for when he had to. He liked being in his home office; he liked being there when Mikey got home from school. And he'd be able to do more around the house. Keeping things neat and clean had always been hard when he and Jude were both working, because they were both too lazy to do it when they got home. Usually, Jude had ended up doing the household chores, because Connor would always hide behind his office door.
He broke from his thoughts as the back door opened.
"We're going to get a Christmas tree! We're going to get a Christmas tree! We're going to get a Christmas tree!"
"We're going to get a Christmas tree!" Jude repeated. He stood at the back door and waited to hear the click of Mikey's seatbelt. "Give it a pull, please."
"I got it, Father!"
Jude shut the back door and got in the driver's seat.
"Hey, Mikey?"
"Yeah, Dad?"
"I have a little headache. Can we make sure to keep our voices at inside voices level?"
"Okay, Dad."
"How was the sleepover?"
"It was fun! We played snakes and ladders! I won the first game and then Marley won the second game but we had to go to bed before we could play the tie breaker. So we did a rock paper scissors and I won that. I had rock and she had scissors!"
"Well, congratulations on the win," Jude said.
"Thanks!"
"So, what kind of tree do you want?"
"A fat one! With lots of branches! So we can put lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots –"
"Okay," Connor said.
"Of ornaments on it!" Mikey finished.
"Well, we'll do our best," Jude promised him.
"How far away is the tree place?" Mikey asked.
"About ten more minutes," Jude said. "Not very far at all."
"Oh, okay. Dad, can you put some music on, please?"
"Sure." Connor turned up the volume on the radio and found something that he thought Mikey would like.
"Was your party fun?" Mikey asked.
"It was as fun as grown-up parties get," Jude said. "Although it was a little boring. You know how grown-ups are."
"I'm going to be a kid forever."
Connor laughed. "Good luck."
"Peter Pan did it," Mikey reminded him. "He's still a kid."
"Well, I guess that's true," Connor mused.
"I guess we'll have to find you a Tinkerbell," Jude mused.
"I'd rather just have a puppy. Is it close enough to Christmas to say if I'm going to get one or not?"
Connor shrugged. "It's not Christmas yet. You never know."
Mikey sighed. "But I want to know! Father, do you know?"
"I have no idea." Jude parked the car and turned it off. "But let's concentrate on the tree today, okay?"
"Okay!" Mikey unbuckled his seatbelt and threw the car door open.
"But it's crowded! So make sure you stay in sight!"
"I will! I will!"
Mikey clambered out of the car and waited patiently for Jude and Connor to exit. He wedged himself between his fathers and took each of their hands. Then, he raced forward, pulling the two of them along behind them. The trees were set up in many long rows. Mikey marched forward, weaving through the other shopping families. He was on a mission.
"Mikey, you're barely stopping to look at them!"
"They're not what I want, Dad!"
And they continued on. They were in one of the last rows, and Connor was beginning to think that they would have to do the whole lot again, when Mikey stopped. He reached out and touched one of the short, thick branches. He shook it and the whole tree rattled.
"Father, stand it up!"
"Please," Connor prompted.
"Please," Mikey echoed.
Jude reached out and picked up the tree by its trunk. He stood it up straight and away from the stand so that Mikey could look around it. Mikey walked around it in a complete circle, eyeing it critically. He shook the tree again.
"This one," he said authoritatively. "I like this one."
"Are you sure?" Connor asked. It was a squat, bushy thing.
"I'm sure," Mikey said. "Can we get this one, please?"
"We told you whatever tree you wanted," Jude said. "But you know we can't bring it back."
"I know! I like it! It's a person!"
Jude laughed. "Sure, come on."
"Got the tree?" Connor asked.
"Yeah, I can handle it."
They walked the tree over to the wooden stand where the trees were to be paid for. The teenager working the stand smiled brightly.
"I like your tree," she said to Mikey.
"Thanks!"
"It's a nice choice. That one is seventeen," she said to Jude.
Connor got out his wallet and handed her a twenty. She passed the change back.
"Happy holidays!"
"Happy holidays," Connor said. They carried the tree over to the car. Mikey clambered inside while Connor fetched the ties from the trunk. He helped Jude maneuver it up onto the roof. It didn't take them long. After so many years of carting Christmas trees on the roofs of cars, they knew how to make sure that it stayed. The drive home was short and Mikey sang along to Christmas carols the entire way. They got home and Mikey bounced up to the door, the keys that Connor had given him were in his hand.
"Hold it open for us, okay?" Jude called.
"Okay!"
Mikey didn't move until the tree was completely through the door and Connor called for him to come in. Mikey bounced onto the living room couch, waiting for Connor and Jude to be done fiddling with it. Jude held the tree up as Connor crawled down and made sure that it was in the tree stand.
"Does it look straight, Mikey?" Connor asked.
"Um. No. It's leaning toward Father."
"What about now?" Jude questioned.
"And now it's leaning toward me."
Jude adjusted it.
"There," Mikey said. "That looks good."
Connor screwed the holds into the trunk of the tree.
"Okay, Jude. Let go!"
Connor wiggled out from under the tree and looked back at it. From this angle, at least, the tree looked straight.
"Can we decorate now?"
"Kind of," Jude said. "We have to go and dig the Christmas decorations out of the downstairs closet. Why don't you go and get a glass of water and put some in the tree stand? Do you remember how to do it?"
"I remember!"
"Come on, Connor. Downstairs. We need to go and get the Christmas decorations."
Mikey scampered off to the kitchen and Jude and Connor headed down the stairs. Jude opened the closet door and reached it. He yanked out the box of lights and then the Christmas decorations. Then, he eyed the rest of the boxes piled in the closet.
Connor sighed. "Yeah, you're right."
Jude turned his head to look at him. "Right about what?"
"You were just thinking that we should decorate the house today, right? I mean, Christmas is going to happen soon and we've been procrastinating on decorating anyway."
Jude smiled and reached in, smacking a cardboard box down in Connor's arms. "Start lugging, sweetheart."
"See, now you're just trying to be obnoxious about it."
"Never," Jude promised. "Really. Just getting used to using it again."
"Kiss me?"
Jude looked at the stairs.
"I can hear Mikey singing to the tree. Come on, just a quick one."
Jude leant over the box and, even with the two of them leaning, barely made his lips brush Connor's.
"Let's go," Jude said, "No time to waste!"
"Hey, I'm not the only doing this work! Grab your own box!"
"I'm grabbing! I'm grabbing!"
"That's my ass," Connor pointed out.
"You said to grab," Jude said, laughing. "All right, all right, I've got the boxes."
It took them several trips to move all of the boxes up and into the living room. By the time they had everything up, Mikey had already untangled one string of lights.
"Good job!" Jude said. "Thank you!"
"Welcome!" He looked up. "But, Father, I hate fixing the lights."
"How about you and Dad start putting these ones on the tree and I'll get the other string?"
"Deal!" Mikey scrambled to his feet and raced to Connor. "Come on, Dad! Time for the lights!"
Connor happily wrapped the first string of lights around the tree. By the time he had done it to Mikey's satisfaction, Jude had the second string of lights ready to go. Connor put them on the tree and then Mikey popped open one of the boxes.
"Ornaments! Father, help me reach up high!"
"I'm tall too!" Connor protested.
"Not tall enough!" Jude quipped.
"I can reach the top of the tree!"
"Oh well. I've got him!"
Jude held Mikey up so he could decorate the top half of the tree. Connor passed him up decorations as directed. With the top half of the tree crowded, Jude sat Mikey down on his own two feet and Mikey buzzed around, grabbing decorations and putting them carefully on the lower branches. The tree was a mix-match of many different ornaments and thrown on with the chaos expected of the six-year-old. He ran out of ornaments and slumped with disappointment.
"Don't forget the tree topper," Jude said. He picked the Christmas angel up out of her box.
"Hold me up!"
Jude scooped him up so that Mikey could place the dark-haired angel, dressed in her starry blue robe, on top of the tree. Mikey put her down carefully.
"Is she crooked, Dad?"
"No, she's perfect."
Jude put Mikey down.
"Now, what?" Mikey asked.
"Well, Dad's going to make cookies and I'm going to decorate some more around the house."
"I wanna bake cookies!"
"Then, come on with me," Connor said. "Time to bake the Christmas cookies!"
Connor and Mikey buzzy happily around the kitchen. Connor measured out the ingredients and Mikey dumped them into the bowl. With all of them in, Mikey stirred them together. Then, as Connor rolled out the dough, Mikey picked out his cookie cutters.
"Do we have any of the sparkly sprinkles?"
"I bet we do!"
Mikey stood up on the kitchen stool and carefully pressed the cookie cutters into the dough.
"Dad, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
Mikey pressed another cutter into the dough. He didn't say anything. He just focused on his work.
"Come on, Mikey. What is it?"
Mikey sucked in a breath. "When I was at Uncle Brandon's, I heard him on the phone. And I didn't tell Marley, 'cause I didn't want her to be mad at me like I was mad at Chris and JP."
"What happened?"
"Uncle Brandon was on the phone. And I heard him say 'I love you' to someone and her name was Abby. I don't know what to do."
"What do you think that you should do?"
"I don't know. Because secrets are bad but sometimes you shouldn't say things. She might think I was lying like I thought Chris and JP were lying."
"Do you think that Uncle Brandon is going to tell her?"
Mikey nodded. "Uncle Brandon loves Marley and you always tell the truth to people you love."
"Secrets are hard, Mikey. And, you're right, usually it's not good to have them. But sometimes, people don't keep secrets to be mean. Sometimes, people keep them because it's not the right time yet. Uncle Brandon will tell Marley when he's sure. Imagine how confusing it would be if Uncle Brandon introduced her to people that he didn't love and so people kept walking in and out. Does that make sense?"
"I think so," Mikey said. "But if he loves her, then she must be important."
"Probably," Connor agreed. "But he loves Marley more. And so he needs to be sure so that he doesn't hurt her. I know it's hard to say nothing, but it's the best thing, okay?"
"Okay," Mikey agreed. "Does this mean that Marley is going to get a new mother?"
"Not a new mother," Connor corrected. "A step-mother. That doesn't mean Uncle Brandon doesn't love Marley's biological mother and it doesn't mean he's going to replace her. People can fall in love with different people. It doesn't mean they love people in their past any less."
Mikey pushed his cookie cutter down again and Connor watched as Mikey lifted the Christmas tree cut out onto the baking sheet.
"Dad, you and Father are still getting a divorce, right?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Then you might fall in love with someone else."
Connor's heart was shrieking no. To Mikey, he said, "Your father and I were together for a very long time and were in love for a very long time. Those feelings don't just go away. You won't wake up one morning and find that there's someone else who we're expecting you to treat as a parent. It would be a very unfair thing us to do to you. If it ever happened, you would still be our very first priority because no one matters to us more than you do."
Mikey nodded.
"But I don't want you to worry about it too much. That kind of thing isn't coming up soon, all right?"
"All right." Mikey nodded again, this time more forcefully. "I love you both the most too."
Connor kissed the top of his head. "Okay. Now, let's see if you can squeeze it one more shape with this dough."
Mikey pressed down the cookie cutter. "Got it! It's a snowflake, see?"
"I see."
"How long will they take took cook?"
"About twenty minutes," Connor said.
"I'm going to go see what Father's doing."
"All right."
Connor slid the cookies into the warm oven and placed the baking sheet down. He shut the oven, set the timer, and went off in search of Jude. Jude was walking up the stairs, wrapping a garland around the bannister. Mikey was bopping up the stairs with him, telling him about the cookies they had made and how he planned to decorate them.
"Have you seen the living room?" Jude called down the stairs.
"Is it decorated like all the past couple of years?"
"Why mess with a good thing?" Jude asked. "But, go look anyway."
Connor stuck his head in the living room. It was just how Christmas always looked at their house; from the wooden reindeer on the coffee table to the snowflake blanket over the back of the couch. Fake snow adorned the top of the TV and there were festive figures firmly planted into it. They were always a struggle to get to stand up on the uneven surface, but there was minimal leaning this year. Connor was impressed.
He gathered the stuffed snowmen that always stood at the top of the stairs and headed up to the second floor of the house.
"Plug it in, Mikey," Jude said.
Mikey plugged in the garland and the soft white lights lit up.
"It works!" Mikey announced.
"It works!" Connor echoed.
Connor placed the snowmen down at the top of the stairs and Mikey immediately reordered them. Now, they were tallest to shortest. Then, he shuffled them around again, so that the smallest one was in the middle.
"So now it's us," he explained to his parents. "Our family."
"That's very sweet," Jude said, ruffling his hair. "Have you thought of any decorations we forgot?"
"Uh …" Mikey mused. "The door wreath! Did you do the door wreath?"
"Go check."
Mikey booked it down the stairs.
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," Jude sang as they walked down the stairs.
"It's beginning to look a lot like you're happy."
Jude nodded. "I'm a little nervous, though. Monday is my last appointment with Dr. Nadine until January."
"She believes in you. And I believe in you. And Mikey believes in you. Everything's going to be fine. And she said you can call her cell phone if there's an emergency, right?"
"Right," Jude said.
"It's not that long. You can do it. We'll take care of you."
"You got the wreath!" Mikey shouted and he slammed the front door loudly.
"You don't need to slam."
"Sorry, Father!"
Mikey appeared at the bottom of the steps, meeting them as they made it down to the first floor. He sidled up to Connor and whispered loudly, "Dad, Father put tinsel in your shoes."
Connor rolled his eyes and pretended to look annoyed. "Did he?"
"No," Jude said. "Elves did it."
Mikey laughed and skipped about before circling back to his parents. He stood next to them, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.
"Is it Christmas yet? I want it to be Christmas!"
"Not quite!" Connor scooped Mikey up, just because he could. "It's Saturday. Christmas Eve is on Wednesday."
That's so far away!" Mikey complained, going limp and leaning back to look at Jude. "Can you make it come faster?"
"No, sorry."
"Ugh," Mikey said. "I want Christmas."
In the kitchen, the timer dinged.
"How about cookies?" Connor offered.
"Okay!" Mikey sat up in Connor's arms. As Connor began to walk off, Mikey turned around, "Come on, Father."
Connor paused in time to catch Jude's smile.
"I'm coming," he said. "Those cookies are my favourite."
"I know. That's why we made extras," Connor told Mikey. "Father's going to get fat off them."
"Are you calling me fat?"
"No, never! I'm saying my cookies will make you fat."
Connor placed Mikey on the counter and pulled the cookies out of the oven. They were perfectly cooked. When Mikey stretched out toward it, Jude barked a warning.
"It's hot! It just came out of the oven."
Mikey pulled his hand back. "But I want one!"
"Soon! And we need to decorate them first!"
"After they cool. Come on, let's make some really yummy frosting while we wait!"
"Okay!" Mikey jumped down from the counter. "Can we make it red? Or green?"
"We can make some of each," Jude promised him.
"Yes!" Mikey said, pumping his first into the air. "Dad! We're making frosting!"
"I heard! I heard!"
"And it's going to be the bestest frosting ever!"
"I bet it will be!" Connor agreed. He popped the second tray of cookies into the oven as Jude laid out the frosting supplies. He caught his husband's eye, and found himself repeating, "I bet it will be."
The song that Jude sings to Connor is Dream A Little Dream Of Me by The Mamas And The Papas. Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! This week's songs are: Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade; and When You Are Near by Carolina Liar.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hand In My Pocket, to my tumblr URL add backslash tagged backslash hand dash in dash my dash pocket. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~