The Shortcomings of Felix Felicis

Based on a post by Lucefray27.

Pairing: Severus Snape/Lily Evans, James Potter/Lily Evans

Rating: T

Beta Love:Mahawna

Good days just didn't happen for Severus. Not anymore, anyway. It had been over a year since Lily, the one bright point in the sea of darkness that was his life, had shunned him for good.

Not that he hadn't deserved it. He had. He hated himself for loving her more than anything else in the world and never showing her, but it was too late to change past actions.

The present, though, that was a different matter. Earlier that morning, Severus had brewed a flawless Draught of Living Death and earned a rather impressive reward from Slughorn, the old numpty. The Professor hadn't even noticed that Severus had changed more than half the steps, tweaking and perfecting the recipe as he went along, as he was wont to do. The old man had patted his impressively rotund belly in excitement, rambling on about how 'it was the most perfect Draught of Living Death he'd ever seen'.

The reward had been a single dose of Felix Felicis, the luck potion.

The prize was all well and good, though Severus doubted he'd ever use it. It offended him slightly that Slughorn acted so surprised. As his own Head of House, you'd think the man would have more of a soft spot for the best student in his class. To the contrary, Severus worked harder than everyone, received impeccable marks, and yet somehow managed to garner only Slughorn's reluctant respect. He'd never even been invited to any of the Slug Club parties, not that he cared.

Well, he cared a tiny bit. But that was only because Lily always went, and he died a little inside at the thought of all the other seventh years - especially Potter, ogling Lily in dress robes or one of those Muggle dresses she fancied.

So many of his dreams - waking and sleeping - had been filled with her in said clothing, creamy neck and shoulders exposed, arms bare save for a silver bracelet he imagined buying her someday, long, auburn locks cascading down over all of it, smelling like flowers and summer and sun. Like memories of their childhood days spent together in the park.

He sighed, running a hand through his unfortunate hair. It was fine and on the oily side to begin with, but a morning filled with strenuous experimental brewing had it looking - and feeling - rather ghastly. He decided to grab a quick bite to eat then use the rest of his lunch hour to clean up.

After all, the class after lunch was Defence Against the Dark Arts, and it was one of the few classes that he still had with Lily.

Though he would never admit it, he wanted to look his best.

As he got out of the shower and dressed, he tucked the little phial of Felix Felicis into the pocket of his robes on a whim and left for class.

It was the first day of Defence and they had a new teacher that year, as usual. Professor Lafferty was a retired Auror, missing a decent portion of his face. He held the class in the palm of his hand just by looking so bloody cool, and Severus rolled his eyes at his classmates. Bloody Gryffindors, the lot of them.

Keen on further impressing his already fawning class, Lafferty told them that the first week of their N.E.W.T. year would be spent focusing on conjuring a Patronus. His logic was that starting off with the toughest bit of magic would make the rest of the year seem easy, which made no bloody sense. It was far more likely that this was his attempt to win the class' affection on their first day together.

It was working, and the lesson hadn't even begun yet.

"Think of a happy memory," Lafferty lectured, pacing with a bit of a limp at the front of the room. "It should be the happiest thing you can remember. The more powerful the memory, and the stronger your focus on it, the easier it will be for you to cast a Patronus. Remember, this is a difficult bit of magic. It will likely take a few lessons to manage an incorporeal Patronus and possibly even longer to cast a corporeal form."

Severus sighed, feeling like they were already behind on their scheduled lesson plan before it even had a chance to begin. What was the point of a Patronus anyway? Sure, they impressed the N.E.W.T. examiners if you could wield such impressive magic, but it wasn't as if dementors were walking the streets of Hogsmeade.

Though it wasn't a duelling exercise, Lafferty paired them off. He obviously hadn't been privy to any of the relevant Hogwarts gossip in his short time at the school, for he made the mistake of pairing his students who hated each other the most, together.

"And you two, names? Potter and Snape, right. You'll work together. Alright, everyone," he said, clapping his hands together, "get to work! I'll come around and give pointers for improvement."

Feeling like he would rather dive into a cauldron full of his perfect Draught of Living Death than face a double class period of Defence paired up with the most unbearable tosser in school, Severus grit his teeth together and counted back from 50.

Hexing the Gryffindor on the first week of term, no matter how satisfying, was a bad idea.

Once he was fairly certain the first words out of his mouth wouldn't be an unforgivable curse, Severus spoke. "After you, Potter."

The sloppy-haired prat straightened his ridiculous glasses, hazel eyes overlarge behind the thick lenses as he focused on the task at hand. "Happy memory, let's see…" At least he seemed to be satisfied with leaving Severus alone for the time being. That was a nice change. "Maybe that one time in the broom closet? Or when we tricked Sirius into using a hair removal spell on himself." The head boy's ruddy cheeks glowed with mirth as he continued brainstorming, but Snape decided it would be best for both their sakes if he tuned James out.

Instead, he turned inward, rifling through memories and inspecting them as possible fuel for the spell. Sadly, most of his best moments all happened before school, when there had been no Gryffindor bullies or Slytherin blood purists to get between them. There was no first kiss, no happy holiday memories with his family at home, no pretty girl on his arm on a Hogsmeade weekend.

The options were as weak as they were limited, and Severus had very little hope that he would be able to come up with anything better anytime soon.

A jubilant noise startled Severus from his thoughts, and he looked up just in time to see Potter whirl his wand and shout, "Expecto Patronum!"

Severus had somehow forgotten over the summer that Potter was good at every-bloody-thing. Though he couldn't stake a claim on Severus' position at the top of the class in Potions, he excelled in all his classes with what appeared to be a severe lack of effort. Still, Severus was shell-shocked when an enormous silver stag burst forth from the tip of James' wand and tripped over his own chair in an attempt to scramble out of its way before he remembered that it couldn't touch him. It was merely a conjuration of happiness mixed with mist and light.

Feeling the entirety of his skin from his chest to the tips of his ears and hairline heat with embarrassment, Severus picked himself up off the floor. It wasn't like him to be clumsy, but he just hadn't been expecting…that.

Actions fueled with righteous indignation, Severus tore his own wand from his holster and gathered all the magical power simmering beneath his skin as he cast the spell. "Expecto Patronum!"

Unlike Potter's oversized beast, Severus' first Patronus was only a subtle wisp that flowed from the end of his wand for a moment before disappearing. The stag was still galloping around the room happily, the rest of the class clapping and cheering for Potter (the Gryffindors) or looking like they'd like to strangle him (the Slytherins). Lafferty allowed the commotion to go on for another moment, clearly pleased that one of his students had picked up the difficult spell so easily.

"Excellent work, Mr Potter! Perhaps you can help your partner now?" He turned away to watch the other groups work, having already seen Severus' initial attempt and dismissed him as a failure.

Severus feared his teeth might crack from the pressure he exerted as he ground them together, but he didn't much care. He just wanted to cast the stupid charm so he could show Potter that the world didn't rise and set over his arse.

But he didn't have what the magic required. Every bit of happiness in Severus' mind was tainted with the reality that both of his parents were dead. That he only had friends because he'd adopted Dark Magic at the cost of his dearest friendship. That Lily would likely never speak to him again unless it had something to do with class.

He spent the rest of the lesson getting more and more frustrated as his wispy Patronus shot forth again and again but never formed anything even slightly resembling an animal.

Looking around the room, he saw that most of the other students were faring similarly. Lupin had an enormous spectral wolf looping around him in circles, and the boy's scarred face didn't seem to be able to decide whether it wanted to smile or frown. The werewolf was left looking confused, and Severus was left feeling absolutely furious that a werewolf - one that had nearly killed him in fifth year, thanks to Regulus' worthless older brother - somehow managed to have happier memories than he did.

Severus was so furious, in fact, that he did something rather stupid. He excused himself to use the restroom and gulped down the dose of Felix Felicis, thinking it could at least help him not leave class completely mortified.

By the time he got back, Potter was lording his success in everyone's faces. He was gloating particularly pitifully in front of Lily and Sirius. The bloke had a habit of turning mean when he was excited, so Severus wasn't surprised when Potter teased, "You and Snape have matching Patronuses. How adorable. Maybe you should go to Sluggie's party together tonight.

Severus saw in Lily's eyes that Potter's brash behaviour, which had always annoyed her, had finally gone too far. She squared her shoulders and retorted, "I think I will," before marching over to talk to Severus.

"Save me from Potter's arrogance tonight?" she pleaded, a hint of the old friendship there in her eyes. They'd studied together a few times over the summer, and she'd given him a hug at his mother's funeral, but they were nowhere near the level of closeness they'd once been. She'd closed off on him after he'd called her a Mudblood, and he couldn't blame her.

He could only wish he could take it back, or at least make it up to her.

Reeling in shock, and feeling like this was all too good to be true, Severus nodded mutely. Lily summoned a weak smile and said, "Great. Pick me up at 7?" before returning to work on her Patronus with Black.

Luckily, class let out a few minutes later. Severus was feeling a rather ridiculous urge to go outside. It was too strong to ignore, so he put his books and things away and nearly ran out of the classroom.

The grounds were warm for an early autumn day. Severus decided to go down to the Black Lake and read under his favourite tree - the one that he and Lily had dubbed 'theirs' back in first year.

He spent the afternoon doing his favourite things: reading, brewing, practice duelling with Regulus, and sweet-talking Professor Sprout into parting with bits and pieces of her favourite plants for his potions work. All of his favourite foods were served at dinner, and no one else was in the dormitory when he went back to the dungeons to shower again and get ready for the party.

He'd never been on a date, and the concept felt foreign to him. He had a decent pair of dress robes that he'd bought with money he'd earned from tutoring younger Slytherins in Potions for the Christmas dance the year before. He hadn't danced a single song, so it was fitting that the beautiful black velvet creation with its simple lines and silver buttons was coming out for an encore.

He left a few minutes early to pick up Lily, not wanting their date to start off on the wrong foot.

He waited outside the portrait of the Fat Lady and tried not to fidget until the portrait finally swung open and Lily stepped out.

She looked even better than he'd ever imagined.

Her smile was shy, and he returned it. Her emerald cocktail dress hugged her curves in all the right places, the boat neckline and sleeveless cut managing to keep her completely modest while still showing off her shoulders. They were dusted with freckles, and Severus wanted to count - and kiss - every single one. Her hair was pulled back into a French plait on one side, cascading down in loose curls on the other.

Severus' fingers twitched with the urge to touch them. Touch her.

She shuffled around a bit awkwardly, scuffing the toe of her black t-strap heels on the flagstones. "Thanks for helping me get back at James," she murmured, sounding oddly apologetic.

He smiled wryly. "I will never not want to get back at Potter, rest assured." Offering her his arm, he said, "Shall we?"

Her smile brightened, and she tucked her small hand into the crook of his arm. It fairly burned against the fabric there, Severus was so aware of the touch and proximity.

This particular party was special, even by Slughorn's standards. Severus knew, from rumours, not experience, that the beginning of term bash was always an extravagant affair as Slughorn celebrated Hogwarts best, brightest, or - more accurately - most likely to bring him fame.

The decorations in the large dungeon classroom that had been turned into a party hotspot were simple but reeked of typical Slytherin opulence. The lights were low, the darkness broken only by fairy lights and candles, and Severus could appreciate the romantic ambience of the room, if nothing else. He spotted Potter and Black on the other side of the room, drinking butterbeer and chatting amiably with several of Slughorn's previous students. It only took a moment for Severus to notice that they were all professional Quidditch players, and he rolled his eyes at their shallowness, instinctively pulling Lily's hand just a little further onto his forearm, allowing his fingers to rest atop hers for just a second longer than necessary before leading her over to the bar.

Lily looked a bit lost at all the wizarding drinks they had on the menu, muttering under her breath that Muggleborns even had a disadvantage when it came to bloody alcohol.

Half-blood though he was, Severus could relate to the sentiment. His Muggle father (good riddance) had openly abhorred anything that had a connection to the magical world. Severus, however, had his Slytherin friends to help educate him on the intricacies of wizarding culture. With a distinctly Gryffindor twinge of heroism, he ordered a tumbler of firewhisky for both of them. Knowing her goody-two-shoes, Head Girl ways, he doubted she'd ever been to any of the common room parties that offered the illicit drink. He found he rather liked the burn of the amber liquid and the way it made his whole body feel artificially warm and comfortable, even if just for a few short hours.

Lily fidgeted with the drink in her hand for a long, awkward moment before taking a sip and coughing in surprise. "That's -" another cough "- not what I was expecting."

Severus' satisfied smirk almost turned into a laugh, but he caught himself. "Try it again. It's better the second time."

The double meaning of his words - and the possibility that their relationship could be better the second time around if given half a chance - was not lost on either of them.

That was stretching it, though, and they both knew it. Severus was just a tad too broken to promise he wouldn't do something to hurt her again. Merlin, he was running around with people who wanted Muggleborns like her dead.

Anything between them wasn't likely to end well, but they could ignore that fact for a night.

They finished their drinks as they talked with Slughorn, and Severus had his first moment of real appreciation for the professor as he went on and on about the perfect potion Severus had brewed earlier that day to several members of the Potion Master's Guild. Finally feeling like he had a moment to shine, Severus was all dry wit and clever remarks about potions research and several theories he'd been experimenting with. Lily looked on with unveiled admiration. She'd always been a sucker for magical knowledge and power, as prim and proper as she made herself out to be. The visitors were so impressed with Severus' work that they invited him to interview with them for a Potions Mastery after he was finished at Hogwarts. He felt like he might just die of happiness right then and there.

His dream girl on his arm, perfect career just an interview away from coming to fruition, and the honeyed glow of firewhisky all came together, colouring the world around him, bringing everything a step up from the usual 'tolerable.'

Lily's eyes were a little glassy as they talked and danced the night away, and it was almost like they'd never had a falling out. Severus pulled her closer with every song, feeling the alcohol dimming his usual desire to keep people - even Lily - at arm's length. He even took it upon himself to sing softly in her ear, his rich baritone causing a shiver of pleasure to race down her spine. Feeling her quiver, even slightly, in his arms was nearly his undoing, but he kept on, murmuring how beautiful she looked and feeling completely content to exist in their own tipsy bubble of togetherness where there were no blood supremacists, no stupid Head Boys, and nothing but the strengthening bond of friendship - and maybe something more - between them.

At the end of the night, when Severus walked Lily back up to Gryffindor Tower, he really didn't expect anything more than a simple 'Goodnight.' The evening had already been so much better than he could have imagined, and he was just glad to be back on speaking terms with his childhood best friend. Instead, Lily allowed her hand to slip down his arm to twine between his fingers, going up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.

"Thanks, Sev. I had a lovely time."

He laughed breathlessly, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears when he responded, "This has easily been the best day of my life." Running a hand through his shoulder-length hair, he muttered, "Must be something to that ridiculous luck potion after all."

It was said in jest, but Lily took it like a slap to the face. "W-what did you say?"

All of Severus' organs rearranged themselves in his chest, leaving his heart thudding low in his belly and his lungs breathing something that wasn't air. He felt like he was drowning, begging the universe to let him take back those last thoughtless words.

"You used your luck potion to make this happen? To get me to spend time with you? You manipulated me?" Lily demanded, the hurt obvious in her shining eyes and trembling lip. Her skin was creamy and pale normally, but now her freckles stood out like childish crayon marks on her ghostly skin.

"No, no, it doesn't work like that! I was just having a bad day and thought it might help. It did! Merlin, did it help…"

But his explanations fell on deaf ears. He felt the panic turn to anger as she shook her head in indignation.

"You only asked me to go with you to get back at Potter anyway! You've never cared about me for me, you selfish prat! Don't pretend like you're so much better than me."

She gasped, tone mocking as she asked, "So that's what the problem is, then? You're so much better than your filthy Mudblood friend? Well, I hate to break it to you, but we're both from Cokeworth, and we both have top marks in all the classes that matter, so you can just...bugger off!" The last few words were screeched at the top of her voice, and Snape could feel the weight of them as the last thread of their friendship was finally snapped...for good.

Furiously whispering the password so Severus would not hear it and follow her through the portrait hole, Lily disappeared out of sight.

He stood there for a moment, shocked that everything had gone so wrong so quickly, then sank down onto the floor, his back against the wall, head in his shaking hands. When he felt on the verge of hyperventilation, he used his newly acquired occluding skills to block out the pain, hiding the memory away. Though it wasn't a perfect practice, it allowed him another moment to soak in the joy of feeling Lily's lips on his cheek, their hands clasped together as they'd always been when they were kids. On a whim, he pulled out his wand and mumbled, "Expecto Patronum."

His heart hammered in his chest as something - far more than the usual wisps of smoke - burst forth from his wand, taking shape on the landing as a…

Doe.

The feeling of having his insides in all the wrong places returned, joined with a new, all-encompassing fear that James Potter might be…

Could he even think it?

...His soulmate.

He considered just running away, obliviating himself, or doing something equally self-damaging and dramatic, but that was really not the way of a Slytherin.

Instead, he started plotting.

XxxX

A few days later, in Defence Against the Dark Arts, it was time to put his plan into action.

The fates must have taken some pity on him after the fallout of the events a few nights before, and James and Lily ended up partnered together to practice their Patronuses again.

Lily was in a snit, probably partly because of Severus, but it was also common practice for her interactions with Potter. They were arguing about head duties, Lily casting the Patronus Charm every few moments to make it look like she was actually paying attention.

Snape had been practising on his own, having been partnered with Pettigrew who would rather work with Lupin or Black, but he held back, not allowing his full Patronus to form just yet. He grinned cruelly, glancing around to make sure no one was watching before he cast his corporeal Patronus, the tip of his wand just centimetres away from Lily's. See how you and the pig-headed prat of Gryffindor like that, Lily, he thought before going back to his own work.

Just as his back was turned, he heard Lily gasp. "Merlin! I did it!" But her excitement was short-lived when she realised just what form 'her' Patronus had taken.

Especially when she saw the look of awe on Potter's face.

Severus' vindictive glee knew no bounds as Lily stuttered her way through an attempt at an explanation, but the happiness froze and shattered, landing like daggers in his stomach when Lily smiled wide, focused intently on the spell, and clearly pronounced, "Expecto Patronum!"

And a beautiful, white doe trotted forth from her wand tip.

Severus' soulmate wasn't James. It was Lily. They were a perfect match, an undeniable pair, bonded together in childhood. Their souls had been perfect mirrors for each other. They could have had everything in common that truly mattered if he had just let them.

Reverently, his tone approaching worship, Potter murmured, "I knew you could do it."

And Severus knew he was done for.

How could he deny Lily that kind of undying devotion and adoration from a man who, no matter how many times he'd bullied Snape, had never treated her like anything less than royalty? He would kiss the ground she walked on and sing arias over the joy of simply sharing the same air.

And he would never call her a 'Mudblood.'

Suddenly reeling at the realization that James Potter was better for Lily than he was, Severus felt sick. He sat down at the closest table, silently commanding the room to stop spinning and the contents of his stomach to stay put.

Professor Lafferty noticed his unusual pallor and strode over. "You look like death warmed over, lad. Go on up and see Madam Pomfrey."

Nodding woodenly, Severus shuffled from the room, oblivious to the green eyes that watched his retreating back until he was out of sight.

Maybe yesterday he would have fought for Lily, fuelled by the artificial bravery the luck potion had granted him. As it was, his gut told him that he'd long since lost this battle, and he listened.

He slunk down to the dungeons, planning to drown himself in the bottom of a bottle of firewhisky.

He should have seen this coming, really.

After all, Severus didn't have good days.