"I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

London-Glasgow train
September 1987

The conductor kept on staring at her. Tess' hands tingled as she checked her backpack and her pockets. Of course she had the bloody ticket, she just couldn't remember where she had put it as long as that man had his pig eyes on her. Her mother's voice resounded in her head. Smile. When in doubt, smile. Everybody likes a pretty smile. Tess wasn't sure whether her smile was pretty, but she did as she had been taught.

"I know it's somewhere in my backpack," she explained, looking up at the conductor.

The guy shrugged, and shifted his attention to the young woman sitting next to her. Of course the blonde girl produced her own ticket at once, but that short break allowed Tess the time to think. The book. She had put it in her paperback copy of The Dead Zone.

The conductor took her ticket with his pudgy hands, stamped it, and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

Tess stared back at Mr Pig Eyes, her smile gone.

"Glasgow, uh? Quite a long trip."

She clutched her backpack and squared her shoulders.

After what seemed like an eternity, he gave Tess her ticket back and moved on. She kept on staring at him for a little longer, then allowed herself to slouch in her seat. She could feel her temples throbbing and her cheeks burning. Outside the window, a foreign countryside unrolled under a leaden autumn sky, farm after farm, field after field. Her battered backpack felt reassuring in her lap.

In less than five hours she would see Alec again after two years and two months. She knew that it was shallow of her thinking about these things under the circumstances, but Tess couldn't stop worrying about her appearance. The last time he had seen her she had been a cute, dainty kid, while now... She met her reflection in the window and flinched. God, she hated her bushy hair and her nose.

Again, her mother's voice. You inherited your father's ugly nose. As if it were something Tess had done willingly, just to upset her. As if someone would pick such a nose willingly. Her throat tightened.

A kid, she was just a stupid kid. Considering what Alec was going through, the way she looked was probably going to be the least of his worries. She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and opened her book.

Glasgow Central concourse was huge and bustling with people. She scanned the long platform as she walked it up and down, then sat on a bench under a gaudy billboard. What if he had forgotten that she was coming? She knew the name of the hospital, she could go there by herself. People kept on whirling around her, dragging bags, hurrying to catch trains, talking, hugging. A group of kids about her age sat on a near bench, gabbling in a thick Scottish accent and eating out of McDonald's' bags. After a while, a couple of boys started to look in her direction, and a girl with a huge bow in her hair backslapped one of them. The boy laughed, and when she saw him stand up, Tess leapt on her own feet and hurried away. In her haste to put as much distance as possible between her and the kids, she had ended up near the station's main entrance, but she could still see the platform where she was supposed to meet with Alec. Who at this point was worryingly late. Her nostrils caught a sweet, damp smell, and she realized she was standing in front of a flower shop. Flowers! She would buy Mrs Hardy some nice flowers.

When, a few minutes later, she emerged from the shop with a big bouquet and ten quid less in her purse, she saw a familiar lanky figure standing at the end of the rails. Baggy Pink Floyd t-shirt and hands on his hips, he looked very grownup. Her heart missed a beat. Here we go. She tilted her chin and walked toward him.

"Hi Alec. You are late."

"And you weren't where you were supposed to be." He sounded flustered.

"I was waiting exactly where I was supposed to, then had to move because of an annoying boy that…"

"A boy?"

"Nevermind."

Alec stared at her with a frown, as if he was gauging an alien that had just landed here. "What are those?"

He was pointing downward at her, and it took Tess a moment too long to realize that his gaze had fallen on the garish bouquet and - obviously - not on her chest. Don't blush. Don't stutter. "Flowers. For your mother."

"That looks more like a bloody garden. But… it's pretty, she'll like them."

They moved toward the exit and to the nearby bus stop. The station was surrounded by tall buildings and narrow streets that made her felt a bit claustrophobic.

"Do you want to give me your backpack?"

"Nah, it's light."

Their bus was about to leave, so they had to run to catch it. They sat next to each other, and Tess watched the red and blonde sandstone buildings through the dirty window. So that was where Alec lived. The green fields of the Somerset countryside seemed like a distant memory.

"Is the hospital far?"

"Nope, but we are dropping by at my aunt's place first. It's just a few stops from the hospital, and you can leave your stuff and... " He ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Use the bathroom?"

"I don't need to use the bathroom."

"Really? I truly hope you didn't use the train's loo. I recently saw a special on the telly about the sheer quantity of germs lurking on toilet seats in trains and on planes restrooms. There are certain really dangerous strains of E. coli that…"

Tess laughed. "Shut up! You are the most unpleasant guy ever. Yes, I actually used the train restroom, and besides it's already almost 2 PM, and I need to catch the 5:30 PM train back. I would like to go straight to see your mother if possible."

"But I thought the plan was for you to spend the night at my aunt's place and leave tomorrow morning! What happened?"

"Well…"

"You didn't tell your parents, did you?"

She shook her head.

"Why?"

In other circumstances all those questions would have riled her up, but there was a softness in Alec's voice the compelled her to open up to him. "Because they wouldn't have let me come."

"But I told you my aunt could talk with your mother and…"

"You don't know my mother, Alec. Actually, I tried to ask her, and after I explained to her who you and your mum were, she told me that a card would be enough." She sneered. "Silly if you think that I was almost going to ask her to come with me."

Alec sighed. "Then maybe you should have…"

"What? Given up?" Her voice caught. She knew she was being childish, but that trip had appeared so important, even romantic in her mind, and now all seemed to be reduced to a prank to sneak out from home and have a little adventure.

"I just don't want you to get in trouble. Even if you catch the 5:30 train, you won't be in London before 11 pm, and that's quite late for a girl on her own."

Tess shrugged, feigning a confidence she didn't have. "I've headed back home much later. Mum thinks I'm spending the day with my friend Janet. All I have to do is call her from the station and tell her I'll be a bit late."

"What if she calls Janet?"

"She won't."

Alec stared ahead for a while, then nodded. "I'll bring you back in time."

Southern General Hospital was an appalling conglomeration of old red bricks and modern gray concrete. As they entered the stuffy hot hall and its familiar smell of antiseptic and overcooked food hit her, Tess' stomach clenched. She knew that Mrs Hardy was terminal, so asking Alec how she was doing had seemed trivial, but now she felt her head spin and she had to stop.

"Are you sure that she wants to see me?"

"'Course." He didn't ask her why she had stopped, but sat on one of the plastic chairs lining the Oncology ward.

Tess sat next to him and busied herself by picking up some petals that had fallen from her bouquet. "Well, she barely knows me after all, and maybe she is resting now…"

"I know this is hard for you, that you're thinking about your little brother."

She stared at him. How did he know?

Alec put a hand on her back. "Listen, you don't have to do this. I can leave your wee garden in her room and tell her that she was asleep when you came. She's asleep most of the time anyway."

"No, I want to. Just… In a couple of minutes?"

"Sure."

He turned toward the hallway, but kept his hand on her back. It was a unintrusive source of warmth that allowed her to relax a bit. She had been there when Cullen had lost consciousness and had stopped being her cheeky half-brother to turn into something that she couldn't recognize. She remembered her mother cuddling him and keeping on talking to him and reading his favourite books until the end, but Tess knew that he had already been gone. This was why she hadn't cried the night he had died. She had said her goodbye days before, when she had brought him Boo, her favourite stuffed animal, and had put it on his bed, among the dozens of toys he had received. She didn't know what happened after death, but imagining her old Boo accompanying Cullen had brought her some peace. She should have been better at consoling her mother, though. Shared tears and hugs would have made her mother feel a bit better, and she hadn't been able to provide them. Her plan had been to do that at least for Alec, but Tess hadn't expected it to be so hard.

She took a deep shaky breath. "Is your aunt ok?"

"What do you mean?"

She knew that Alec had moved to his aunt Kate's home since Mrs Hardy had been hospitalized. "I mean, is she nice? You two get along well?"

"Yes, I like her. But she's already struggling with a crappy job and two young children, I don't want to be a burden to her a day more than I have to."

Tess turned to look at him.

"I'm taking a three-year ordinary degree, then I'll enroll in the police."

It made sense, with his loyal, protective nature and his love for mystery books. "You'll make a good officer."

"You think?" Alec took his hand away from her back and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "I don't know whether to tell mum or not. It's not exactly a dream career, and she wanted me to be a doctor."

"I'm sure she wants you to become whatever makes you happy."

He huffed. "What about you? I was surprised when you wrote me that you weren't going to go to an art school."

"It seems I wasn't talented enough." The truth was that neither Phil nor her father had been willing to pay for the art school fees, but she hadn't minded much. Most of her efforts at drawing and painting had been lead by the will to please her mother, and now it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She stood, holding out her hand at him. "Let's go?"

Alec took her hand and didn't move, but Tess saw that he was doing his best not to smile.

She pulled and tugged at his arm, and when he finally got up she lost her balance. He was swift to put his other arm around her waist to prevent her from tumbling to the floor. Heat rose to her cheeks. "Idiot."

He disentangled himself at once, mumbling an apology and heading toward his mother's room.

Right before they got there, Tess clutched a fistful of his t-shirt from behind.

"What now?"

She handed him the flowers. "Please, give them to her yourself."

He stooped a bit to look into her eyes. "Is Tess Henchard being bashful?"

Since there was no point in pretending, she just frowned and nodded. She was making a fool of herself.

Alec's chocolate eyes softened, but instead of taking the bouquet he grabbed her free hand. "Come on, she'll love it. She's always enjoyed gardening."

Mrs Hardy was alert and kind, and - as Alec had predicted - she seemed to sincerely appreciate Tess' little gift. She sent her son to fetch a vase, and instructed him to put it on her bedside table. They talked for a while about mundane stuff like hospital life and gossip about fellow patients, and Tess got to know some funny episodes from Alec's childhood. She also had to lie about her stay in Glasgow, since Mrs Hardy seemed as protective as her son, and she didn't want her to worry about her sneaking out of home or having to travel back at night. That elicited a raised eyebrow from Alec that she did her best to ignore.

Helen Hardy's bout of energy was short lived though, and after about half an hour she started to talk more slowly and got drowsy. With a tenderness that Tess had never seen before in him, Alec hurried to lower her bed and adduce an excuse, Tess' hunger, to end their visit. Mrs Hardy gave Tess a weak hug and a warm smile, and told Alec to take her somewhere nice for dinner and to remember to have some food himself.

On the lift, they both fell silent. Tess tried not to think that she would probably never see Alec's mother again. "So, where are we going to eat?"

Alec checked his watch. "We've got less than two hours, so it's either the hospital cafeteria or somewhere near the station." He sounded tired.

"We can have a coffee here and I can head back to the station alone, I'll just need to catch the same bus in the opposite direction, right?"

They were now standing in front of the cafeteria, whose plastic tables were empty at that hour, except for a man hooked to an IV pole.

"Yeah, but this place is terrible. I know a nice wee café right in front of the Central Station; if we hurry we should make it in time." He headed toward the exit, and Tess couldn't help but smile as she followed him.

The nice café was a dingy pub called The Kelburne, with wooden tables and a carpeted floor with a tartan pattern. Tess' eyebrows shot upwards, but as soon as she sat at a square table near the window, the smell of fried onions and chips made her stomach gurgle. They both ordered a double cheeseburger and a coke, and, as soon as the waiter left, she realized that she really needed to take a trip to the loo. She excused herself and went down the few steps that led to the restroom.

Just to come back a few seconds later.

"The door is broken. I need you to check it for me."

"Errr, I would rather not, honestly. Come on, this place is empty, nobody is going to burst in on you."

Tess glared at him. "Well, thank you very much."

He rolled his eyes and stood. "Bloody hell. Come on."

The bathroom was clean but minuscule. "Don't listen!"

"Listen to what?"

"Anything. Talk to me so I know you aren't listening."

"What should I tell ya?"

"Anything."

"Bloody hell Tess, just hurry up. I'm starving."

Afterwards they ate in silence. The food was good, but Tess felt anxiety broiling in the pit of her stomach. It was ten to five. She had been postponing that moment since her arrival, but it was now or never. "I've got something for you." With a movement that she hoped was swift, she took a wrapped gift out of her backpack and put it on the sticky table.

Alec's gaze moved up from his cheeseburger, to the gift, and finally to her. "Really?"

The idea to give him a memento of happier times had come to Tess since Alec had written her that his mother was sick. She had used one of the pictures she had taken that summer with her point and shoot Canon as model for the watercolour of the Hardys' cottage, to which she had added Alec mum's lilac bike by memory. After three failed attempts, she had managed to put together a presentable painting and frame it. "Really. Just please, open it after I've left."

"Ok. But hey?"

She had to look at him.

His eyes were earnest and his earlobes red. "Thank you. It was nice to have you here today."

This time Tess didn't tease him about his ears though. "Yeah. I'm happy I got to see you again."

Alec nodded, and they both found something on their plates to focus on.

When they left, the street lamps were already on, and the air smelled of night. The phone box from where she called home had yellow leaves stuck to its dirty glass. She invented a teenage drama, a breakup between her friend Janet and her boyfriend, to justify the fact that she was going to be back late that night, and her mother bought it with weary resignation.

The station was even more chaotic than when she had arrived. Everybody looked tired, and a bulky woman jostled her in a hurry to get who knows where. Alec took her hand as they walked to her platform. Suddenly everything seemed too big to Tess: the station with its dome of glass and iron, the unknown city, the forces of life and death.

The train for London Victoria was already there, but they still had a few minutes. There were so many things that she wanted to tell him, but the words didn't come. She just clutched his hand then, and he clutched hers back.

"Call me when you get home."

"Okay."

"And be careful on the train."

"Yes dad."

He smiled, then got serious and put his hands on her shoulders.

Tess' heart fluttered in her chest.

The loudspeaker announced that the train was about to leave, and they both started.

Alec squeezed her shoulders and lowered his eyes.

A few moments later she was on the train, waving at him from the window.

The bus was crowded with people going back home after work. By the time he arrived at the hospital, fat dark clouds had gathered in the sky, pushed by a cold wind. Fallen leaves crunched under his feet.

He should have kissed her.

Visiting hour was almost over, but the nurse let him in anyway. His mother was fast asleep. He took his usual chair near her bed, then changed his mind and decided to sit in the hallway, where he had been with Tess just a couple of hours earlier. On the floor there were still a couple of rose petals from her bouquet, together with a small lilac freesia.

He unwrapped the gift carefully, and stared at the painting for a long time. It had the bright colors of summer: green, blue, white. And his mother's lilac bike, just like the discarded flower on the floor. Alec closed his eyes and remembered the green of the Somerset countryside and the feeling of sun on his skin, then picked up the freesia and put it in the notebook he always carried with him. The pencil in his hand seemed too cheap for his thoughts, but he tried to put them into words nevertheless. At worst, that was going to be just another of the many letters he had never found the courage to send her.

He took a deep breath and started to write.