Part one

Walk away

Chapter III

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be,
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
(The reason, Hoobstank)

"So, I was wondering... Are you doing something tonight?"

"I see the girls finally managed to convince you to celebrate."

"Was this a conspiracy?"

She keeps her face straight, but you know better. As a matter of fact, in the very moment you start laughing a wide smile spreads on her face. She would do anything for a laugh.

"You turned 21, there's no one I know that didn't celebrate it. You're lucky the girls agreed on something small. Do you remember the party Hanna organized for me last year?"

"Oh God, yes. That girl really knows how to throw a party. And hell, she could really hold her alcohol. I think she nominated me as her…"

"Drinking buddy, yeah."

"Don't be jealous, you will always be my favourite."

You chuckle, shaking your head. Leah has always been a shameless flirt – even though she's not even remotely serious. Everyone knows where her heart truly lays. You smile at each other and then she gives you the address of the club. Before walking away, she remembers you to save the first dance for her. You simply laugh in response as you resume gathering your things.

"There's still room for one in Ash's car, if you need a ride."

You turn towards Paige and raise an eyebrow at her. Is this the first thing she has to say to you after three days of complete silence and not-so-subtle avoiding you? You nod and thank her anyway. She nods back, but stays where she is.

You ignore her. If she wants to say something she will have to start the conversation herself. You've always been patient with her, understating all her reasons or accepting her silence when she refused to give you one, but you can't do this anymore. You can't keep on following her like a lost puppy if she keeps on running. She's not giving you any reason to continue.

"Can we talk about…?"

"The way you blew me off through a text?", you cut her off, "Or the way you just avoided me these past days? Three days, Paige", you hold up three fingers and you wag them on her face to prove your point, "You've been avoiding me for three days, ignoring all my attempts to reach out for you. You want to talk about what, exactly, Paige? Because, honestly, I don't think we have nothing to discuss. I don't want to hear your excuses anymore. You made your point very clear."

You didn't mean to burst out that way, you didn't mean to be so harsh. You have disguised you pain as anger, trying to protect yourself from all the hurt. It's easier to be angry than to be hurt. It's easier to let out all the rage than to deal with the pain. You've never been one capable of handling pain well, you just throw yourself in everything you can to numb the pain.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I can…"

"Explain? Wow, how thoughtful of you."

"Would you stop interrupting me, please? I get that you're angry - and you have any reason to be, but…"

"I have any reason to be mad", you mock her, "Thank you very much."

You laugh bitterly as you quickly grab your things and stuff them in your bag. She asks you to wait, to stay, to let her explain, she whispers your name in a such soft, yet painful, way that you almost change your mind. Almost.

"I think I waited enough."

And too much, you would like to add, but you stay silent as you make your way to the door. You did wait for her, all this time, since you've figured our your own feelings, all you did was waiting for her. And you have always known it was all in vain, but you always had hope. Even now, you can't help yourself but hope, just a little.

"Look, I already told you I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix anything, but I am. And I care for you. I don't want to lose you completely."

You stop a few feet from the door and you bit your lip. This is not what you hoped she would say. This is not a reason.

"I don't think we can be just friends, Paige."

You continue walking, without looking back. You open the door of the locker room, but her voice calls you back.

"I've always known you were going to give up on me someday."

That stops you again. But this time you turn towards her. Your eyes meet for a brief moment before she looks away. You shake your head.

"Maybe I did – or maybe not", you sigh, fully knowing the truth, "but…", you wait for her to lock eyes with you, "You gave up on yourself first."

With that said, you leave the locker room behind you. There's no reason to stay.

"So, what do you think?"

"You look hot. Some girl you want to impress?"

In a way, she can say that. Paige is going to be there and you want to show her the exact reason you can't be friends. You've been thinking hard about your conversation with Paige, playing it over and over in your head. The look on her eyes kept on appearing everytime you closed your eyes. You didn't pay much attention to them during your fight, anger taking over you completely. But you got stuck with them. You know she doesn't want to be friends either. You saw that. But there must be a reason for her words. And you intend to find out.

You've seen the way she looked at you these past days – the same way you probably looked at her. She misses you just like you miss her. It's not only the lack of touching her that makes you feel this way, but, mostly, it's the lack of possibility. Contact has always been important to you, to the both of you, and not having the chance to touch her like you used to is almost physically painful.

"Is it good? It's not inappropriate, right?"

"No. You look amazing, so don't worry. Now come here and let me do your make up."

You smile and you let her do the magic. In the meanwhile, she starts lecturing you once again, explaining – once again – the rules of the dating world. When you told her that you didn't have Samara's number nor remembered if you exchanged it, she wasn't too pleased with you, muttering something like 'Have I taught you nothing?' under her breath and then proceeding to explain in detail everything you needed to know. You would have objected that you didn't need to know everything, but you didn't dare to interrupt her. It's not like that would have stopped her, anyway.

"So what's the basic thing to do when you meet a nice girl that you like?"

You roll your eyes, but she glares at you waiting for you to answer, so you sigh dramatically before giving her the answer she wants.

"Ask for her number. Make sure I don't lose it."

"Good girl", she smirks, "And my work is done."

Just in time. You thank her and you grab your purse. Time to go.

"Go get them, tiger."

You laugh, she really has no idea.

"Have fun with Caleb."

"Stunning as ever, captain. This may be the greatest gift I ever received."

"You still haven't grew tired of hitting on her?"

"Not a chance. I'll get out of the friendzone sooner or later."

"Keep on dreaming, Murphy."

You all laugh as she pretends to be heartbroken, pouting and covering her heart with both hands. She smiles as she orders a round of drinks. 'Gotta warm up before hitting the dance floor', she said. You really don't mind, you need some encouragement. Paige has been staring at you since you got on the car, adverting her eyes only when she was about to get caught by the others. The car ride has been awkward, you were sitting next to each other, hips touching, no words were said between the two of you, except for a quick 'Hey'. This was all the level of interaction you've had since this moment. That and your staring contest.

She's dressed nicely. Never being the type to wear a dress – even though you know she would totally rock in it, she opted for a simple blue jeans with a white t-shirt. She was beautiful nonetheless. Another thing you really like about her is her simplicity. Not only in her style, but also in the way she sees life. You often wish that the lives you're living were as simple as the way she imagined. But wishes are rarely heard and you're fully aware of that. Life wouldn't be so complicated otherwise.

"All right, people. Let's dance. And yeah, Amy, Paige. That includes you too."

They groan between the collective laughter, but they don't move any protest. You all agreed to give in to her every request – as much as possible, at least. Sometimes she has the weirdest and craziest ideas and it's really hard to stop her. That's probably the reason she got along really well with Hanna.

You start to dance with your friends and you feel her eyes on you. You've come to realize when it's Paige looking at you or when it's someone else. And this time it's definitely her. You meet her gaze and you smile at her. She keeps a straight face as she stares at you.

"So, my captain, ready to show me your moves?"

"The better question is: are you?"

She laughs as she moves closer, "Oh trust me, I sure as hell am. Bring it on!"

You immediately fall into the same rhythm. The dance starts off innocently, but soon become suggestive. Leah is a really good dance partner and you find yourself enjoying it. As the song changes, becoming more upbeat, your movements become faster. You look at Paige, she's momentarily listening to what Amy is telling her, nodding every few seconds when your eyes meet again. She shifts her gaze to Leah and then back at you. She raises an eyebrow and you simply smirk at her. She's not pleased with you.

"Wow, you really have some good moves, captain. Consider me impressed."

"You should see the others, Murphy. They would leave you speechless."

"Is that an invite? 'Cause I would be totally in for that."

You give her a little push as you laugh, "Go and dance with the others, you goofball."

"You take Paige, I take Amy and we show them how it's done? It hurts my eyes seeing them dancing like that – if you can call that dancing. Well, at least they're trying."

You chuckle and then nod. Paige and Amy really aren't cut for dancing. They have the exactly same moves and you can't understand who is imitating who. You are not sure you want to know. You smile as you approach Paige. Her face is emotionless, but you can see the confusion in her eyes.

"This isn't what I agreed on. I'm already dancing. With Paige."

"You were dancing with Paige, now you are dancing with me."

Leah laughs as she ignores Amy's protests. Amy even begs Paige to save her, but the only thing she can do is looking apologetically at her as Leah drags her away. You get closer to Paige and she takes a step back. You smile. If she is going to play it this way, you can too. You start dancing again, keeping the distance she chose. She just stares at you, puzzled and clearly not amused.

"What are you doing?"

"Dancing."

She snorts, but she begins to dance anyway. You smile to yourself. This is what you hoped for. You try to reduce the distance between you a few times, but it takes many attempts before she finally stops trying to keep that distance. You're out of sync. You try to adjust to her moves.

"I don't understand what game are you playing at."

"No game. I'm just dancing with one of my friends."

She glares sharply at you, "I remember you saying that we can't be."

"Well, I changed my mind. Is it okay, right?"

"Totally okay."

Her voice is tight and firm, as her posture. This is hard as you imagined, but you don't let that weaken your determination. It takes you one more song to finally be so close that your bodies touch. She immediately stiffens, but she doesn't step away.

"I understood now. And this is not going to work, Emily."

"What's not going to work?"

You whisper, bodies pressed against the other. You're not even dancing anymore. She quickly glances at your lips and then shifts her gaze to your eyes. You caress her neck up and down with your fingers and you can feel her gulping. It would be so easy just to close the gap that separates your lips, but you would never do that. Not in public. Not with your friends nearby.

"I am not stupid. I see what you did there with all those looks and with Leah. What you're trying to do now."

"If I was really trying to do what you're implying – and I'm not saying I am, I would think that's already working."

"Maybe."

It's all she says before distancing herself in a quick movement. She gives you a bitter and sad smile before disappearing in the crowd. You sigh frustrated. You don't know if you should consider it a victory or a defeat. You know it was working – and you know she knows it too, but this is not what you were expecting. Not at all.

"Have you gave up on Paige?"

You flinch, but then you just sigh. It's only Sydney. She looks at you with an apologetically tight smile to which you answer with an assuring one.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, but… Well, I was wrong."

She smiles again, but you can't seem to do the same. She doesn't know how true those words are.

"Don't take it personally. She just doesn't like being in the middle of the crowd. Same as Amy. They just danced to make Leah happy. Amy managed to escape her after five minutes and wandered off. We saw her a little while ago with Reagan in the DJ's booth. At least, Paige lasted more than twenty minutes."

You nod and smile at her, this time genuinely. You decide to take it as a victory – a small one, but still a victory. You follow her back to your table and notice you're all here – with the exception of Amy. You smile at them and then you look at Paige. She doesn't look at you, but you understand she knows she's being stared at – her entire posture goes stiff.

You sit down and Ashley hands you a shot, you don't think about it twice and drink it at once. You make small talk about pretty much everything until a group of guys, probably around your age, approach your table and ask to dance. Bridget, Megan and Nicole immediately stand up and join the group, dragging Kate and Sydney with them. They look at the rest of you expectantly, but you all shake your head. They just shrug and then they hit the dance floor.

"Wasn't Megan dating that guy – what's his name? Josh?"

Ashley is met with silence and a shrug from Leah. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, then she proceeds to start a conversation with Paige – something about soccer, you don't really know.

"Arizona texted me this morning."

Your eyes widen as you stare at Leah, it has been awhile since she mentioned Arizona and you're actually surprised that she was the one who contacted the other first. Their relationship has been short, but very intense. And Leah never got really over it.

"She wished me a happy birthday. I thought that was it, so I thanked her, but then she asked me how I was doing, how was college and all that. She told me she's moving to San Francisco soon, she found a good job here and she asked me if I was interested into catching a cup of coffee sometimes."

"Did you accept?"

She shakes her head and shrugs, "I told her I needed to think about it. If she asked me a few months ago, I would have said yes straightaway, but now... I don't know. She told me it was okay and that she would understand if I refused."

You nod in understanding. Their break up left her heartbroken, so you understand her doubts. Before Arizona, she was a carefree naive girl. After Arizona, she grew stronger and more confident. But she's always been Leah's weak spot, so you can't help but be worried.

"Whatever you do, be careful."

"But are you?"

You furrow your eyebrows, confused at the quick change of argument. She tilts her head to a side and you turn in that direction. You pale and your eyes widen. She's indicating Paige. Your eyes meet for a second before you focus again on Leah.

"I forgot my phone in my locker, I went back to get it and I heard you speaking. I understood it was personal, so I left."

"But you heard enough to understand."

She nods and you bow your head. You curse mentally. You know she's not going to tell anyone – and you tell her you know that when she assures you she's not going to – but you are scared. You feel like you should tell Paige. You don't want to, but maybe you should.

"Are you in love?"

The question catches you off guard and you breathe in deeply. You know that the question is meant to you, that she's asking about your own feelings.

"Yes...", you whisper softly, "Yes, I am."

This is the first time admitting it at loud and, though you find it terrifying, you also feel a wave of relief washing over you. Finally saying it, and not only thinking it anymore, seems like things just got even more real. It feels like a new beginning. Of what you don't know.

"Can you fix it?"

"I don't know. It's so complicated."

"Isn't it always?"

She gives you a half smile, then she simply shrugs. You look over the table, Paige and Ashley are still talking. It seems like Ashley is trying to convince her to drink something beside water, but Paige keeps on shaking her head smiling, completely relaxed.

"I could use some back up here."

Ashley calls for your help, but you both shake your heads and Paige looks at you appreciatively while she just rolls her eyes, going back to handing drinks to Paige. You turn towards Leah.

You don't need any reason. Paige is the reason.

"Can you distract Ash for awhile?"

She nods smiling, "Hey, Ash. Care to join for a dance? And before you ask, it's not really a question."

Ashley sighs and rolls her eyes once again, but stands up and follows her. You mouth a quick 'Thank you' into Leah's direction and she just winks at you before dragging Ashley as far as possible.

"You know, if you drink sometimes it doesn't mean you're forgetting about it, about her."

"But it feels like it."

"Do you remember Maya?"

She nods numbly, not understanding where this is going. You don't blame her, you never told her the complete story. You sigh as you begin to explain.

"It's a bit different from your story, but... Anyway, we were seventeen, she was just heading back from a party – I had to work, so I couldn't go – hosted by the coolest kid on our high school, Noel Kahn. She had drank a little, you know? She's always been a party girl. She was always positive and happy, she acted like she didn't have any care in the world. When I was with her, I forgot everything. She had that power. Anyway, I told her to call me if she didn't manage to come back on her own, that I would go there and pick her up, so when she didn't call, I didn't get worried. She always called when she needed."

Your voice breaks and you have to take a moment to recompose yourself. Paige has gradually gotten a little bit closer during your monologue. She lays her hand on yours and she gives it a little squeeze. You manage a little smile at the gesture.

"You don't have to tell me now, if you feel like you..."

"No, I'm okay. It's just... I feel like it's all coming back now."

She nods and she gives you an understanding smile. You never talked about Maya's death to anyone. And it would have probably stayed that way if you didn't know that Paige could understand. She strokes your hand to help you relax as you breathe in and out a few times before you continue speaking. She doesn't stop her movement though.

"We were supposed to meet at my place, but she never came. I waited and waited, I texted her, I called her, but that didn't change anything. It was around two in the morning when my mother came into my room, she was crying and I instantly knew that something had happened – my mother never cries. Maya's parents called her. Her car crashed against another. She... died on the impact."

You take another break as Paige takes you in her arms. She doesn't say anything, you both know that words are not needed. You let her hold you for awhile, taking your time to recover before separating yourself from her.

"Her death destroyed me completely. I quitted the swim team, I began skipping classes and avoiding my friends and my family and dived right into alcohol. It was my way to cope, at the time I thought that was the only way to survive. The only way not to feel. And that's what I needed. Not to feel anything. In a way that was the best feeling on the world. If that makes sense."

"It does. What happened next?"

"Hanna happened. She refused to give up on me – don't get me wrong, my parents and my other best friend did the same exact thing, but only she managed to break down my walls, making me realize what I was doing with my life. Making me realize that I was alive. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her."

"She sounds great."

You smile, "She is. She really is. She always been there for me, since we were stupid kids who had fun throwing sand to each other in pre-K."

"Somehow I find it hard to imagine a little Emily and a little Hanna running around covered in sand. But I am sure it was a sight to see."

You manage to laugh at her words, "You should have seen our mothers. We've been grounded more times that I can count."

"I had a friend like her, her name was Pru. We had the greatest fun together. She was like the best of best friends. She moved away before middle school started. I remember that once, at my birthday, she grabbed a piece of cake and planned to, you know, smack it on my face. But her aim sucked big time and she hit my mother. Right into her face. She had to take like two or three showers to remove all that chocolate. I'll tell you, best thing ever."

"Oh my God."

You laugh together, tears in your eyes. This is the kind of moment you love having with Paige. She's being herself completely, she's showing her soft, funny and dorky side. That's the side of Paige that always keeps on drawing back to her. You hate to break the moment, but you have to finish what you were trying to say. You want her to understand.

"Back on the main topic. After I got right back on track, I swore to myself that I would never reach that point again and refused to touch alcohol ever in my life. And I haven't, since a few years ago. I realized that drinking – not in the way I used to, but in a more responsible way – didn't erase Maya or what I've dealt with after she died. I didn't forget her, I didn't forget anything. I am not encouraging you to drink, but I want you to understand that doing that wouldn't erase Valerie in any way. It doesn't mean you are forgetting her."

"Maybe some other time. Megan was supposed to be one of the designed drivers, but have you seen how much she drank?"

You nod and smile at her. You know she took seriously what you said, you know she understood. You move on other topics, lighter ones, but Paige never lets go of your hand. You like the feeling of her hand on yours, you like the feeling of her fingers playing with yours.

"Paige... We should talk."

She looks at your joined hands and smiles, "Yes, we should talk. How about tomorrow evening? There's a nice restaurant that I know not too much far from Stanford."

"Are you asking me out, McCullers?"

You wanted it to sound like a joke, but you both know how serious your question is. You smile unsure, but Paige doesn't try to back away. She laughs, instead.

"We'll see about that, Fields. Now, why don't we go to dance? I'm not a great dancer, but I can try."

Author's note: Well, I managed to write a longer chapter, this is actually the longest thing I ever wrote, so I hope it's okay, even if it's not really that long.

I've had many problems with this chapter, I wrote it like three/four times before it finally satisfied me. And it really does. I hope you like it too.

P.S.: I kinda threw in some of my favorite ships, I hope you don't mind. And I found my first crack ship, so it's all good.

So what's next? Is it a date or not?

Meek's out.