Part one

Walk away

Chapter V

Then you'll find the strenght that will guide your way,
you 'll learn to begin to trust the voice within
(The voice within, Christina Aguilera)

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"What's wrong, Paige?"

"It's just... I don't know. I'm being stupid, leave it be."

"Are you jealous?"

You smile at the thought. When, a few nights ago, you explained to her all of what happened with Samara she mostly stayed silent, nodding now and then to show you she was listening and understanding, asking only at the end if you were certain of your choice. For the first time since you've known her you saw actual fear in her eyes and something tells you that wasn't the last. You tried to wash away her fears and insecurities, but you know you didn't succeed completely. You set erasing her doubts and fears and making her feel truly loved ad accepted as your primary goals.

"No."

"It wouldn't be so bad if you were."

"Oh... It's still a bit hard to let all my walls come down, I'm not used to be..."

"Vulnerable?", you offer when she stops, looking for the right word, and she nods, "There's no rush, remember? We take it slow so we can make things right."

"And here I thought I was going to get a proposal soon."

You chuckle and match her goofy smile, "Thinking about marriage already?"

"You know I'm a planner", she winks at you, "You kinda blew off my previous plans – and don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did, but I had to plan something new."

"I'm happy I'm included on those plans."

"Of course you are. You, me and a happy... Wait, this is not taking things slow, is it?"

She asks softly, rubbing her forehead and smiling unsurely, and you just smile because no, it's not, but it makes you so damn happy hearing her say that. You've already planned something together, but you didn't go further than spending the summer together, so, knowing she went so much further – imagining a whole life together – really surprises you and warms your heart. You lean in and murmur a soft 'I love you' on her lips before kissing her as she sighs and you look at her with a puzzled smile.

"I'm never going to get tired to hear you saying that."

"That's good, because I'm going to remind you every chance I get."

"How did I get so lucky?"

You just shake your head and kiss her again, she's not the only one who got lucky. You got so lucky, too. Paige whines when you pull away, reaching for your lips once again. It's not that hard to comply.

"To answer your previous question, I am. Just a bit. I don't know, I just don't like her."

"Just a bit?", you wiggle your eyebrows giggling, but she just glares at you with a stern look on her face, "Sorry. We said we are going to make things right, didn't we? So that's what I'm going to do."

She sighs and nods. Samara texted you the day after your date, you made small talk until you asked to meet saying you needed to talk to her. She must have understood what it was about since she agreed coldly, just stating it would have to happen a few days later – today – because she was out of town.

"Em..."

"No."

"How can you just say no? You didn't even let me tell you!"

"But I know what you were going to say and no, I'm not going to change my mind. I want to be with you, only you. You, me and a happy...", you don't finish that sentence, leaving it open, just like Paige did, and smile.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

She nods softly, but she still looks tense. You lay your hand on her cheek and stroke it with your thumb, making her look at you, and you smile. She gives you a more convinced nod, then she just closes her eyes and she leans further on your hand. You sigh happily at the content smile she wears and you stoke her soft lips, feeling her smile widening as she kisses your thumb. She's so beautiful.

"I could just stand here looking at you forever and I would be happy."

She opens her eyes and looks at you. Her lips aren't the only part of her which are smiling – her eyes are, too. She rubs her nose against yours a few times and she leans in, kissing you gently. And then the only thing you wished it wouldn't happen just happens. The door swings open and you and Paige aren't quick enough to pull apart, so now Hanna is staring at the two of you with a surprised and confused look. You look at Paige and she just gives you a small nervous and embarrassed smile. You can just curse on your head. Crap. Crap. Crap. That's the only thing to say.

"Crap."

"Thank you for coming, I know you're not exactly near."

"No need, I have some errands to run in the area anyway."

You nod as you bite your lip at the coldness in her voice. You are used to feel the warmth she usually irradiates around you, so you can't help but feel a little hurt, a little cold. You sit down and you take a sip of your coffee as Samara just stares at you expectantly. You clear your throat and ask how she has been these past days, she raises her eyebrows but answers anyway. Apparently, she had to deal with some family problems she doesn't wish to talk about.

"Well, my week has been quite eventful", you says when she asks about you, "And that's what I wish to talk about."

She nods, "I'm listening."

"Paige showed up that night and she... I..."

You voice dies, her blue eyes aren't like water now, they're like ice, burning you. Is it possible to feel hot and cold at the same time? She simply stares at you, sipping her coffee, her body language giving nothing away.

"She explained to me what happened, the reason she didn't come and..."

Her phone rings, startling the both of you, and Samara looks at you apologetically, claiming she has to take this call and you simply nod, shaking your head – it's not a problem. She exits the cafeteria and you take your phone to pass time, noticing you got two text from Paige. You smile at the first, but cringe and sigh at the second.

"Text me when you're done. xo"

"I think your friend is following me... It's kinda creepy."

You knew that running away promising you would explain later wasn't the best plan, that it wasn't going to stop Hanna. You know how she is, you know she's going to find out, you know she's going to be angry, you just hope she doesn't do anything to freak Paige out – she's already scared as it is.

You quickly send an answer, saying you will handle it and then you text Hanna and promise her to tell her everything she wants to know if she leaves Paige alone. Her only answer is 'Pinky promise', you sigh – you don't know why, but you don't feel relieved. At all.

"Hey, I'm sorry I kept you waiting. It was my father."

"Don't worry."

You smile and she simply nods as she sits again, then she looks at you and waits for you to continue. You nod as you start speaking.

"As I was saying, she came to me and explained it all and she... She said the words I was dying to hear from her."

She gives you nothing but a short nod, you can't bring yourself to look at her in the eyes.

"I don't want you to think you were some kind of rebound, because you weren't", this finally gets her to move, to show something – she flinches and shakes her head, "You weren't, Samara. Everything I did it was because I wanted to, because I really like you. I was ready to let her go or, at least, I was starting to be, but I can't ignore what she said."

"You love who you love, I get it."

You look up and nod while she just gives you an half smile. Her eyes are like a mirror once again. You see she isn't mad, that she truly understands – many have had a Paige, she says – but you can see the hurt she's trying to hide.

"I cannot say I'm not somewhat disappointed, because in a way I feel we just clicked, you know?", you nod, you feel the same, "But I understand and I appreciate your honesty."

"I'm sorry."

"No harm done", she smiles sadly, "Do you need a ride?"

You politely refuse the offer with a little shake of your head, there's no need and you don't think it's the case to accept. A walk will do. You head out together then Samara turns towards you with a confused look and an unsure smile on her lips.

"I guess that's it", you nod shortly, "For what is worth... I really enjoyed our time together."

"So did I."

She smiles sadly once again and just stands there awkwardly, looking down. Oh. She doesn't know how you are supposed to part. Honestly, you don't know either.

"I should probably...", you clear your throat, "get going. A boring class awaits me."

She chuckles at your way to break the tension and nods, "Yeah, far from me to keep you away from it", you laugh, "I should go too, anyway. So... Take care, Emily."

"You too."

She nods one more time, she smiles and it seems somehow her warmth returned – you're glad of this. You wait until she gets in her car to turn and make your way back to campus, not before waving one last time at Samara. Even if you haven't known each other for long, you are a bit sad about what happened, you know you did nothing wrong – you only followed your heart, both with her and Paige – but you can't help but feel a bit guilty.

You take a look to your watch and see that you need to walk at a faster pace if you want to take a good sit in your class. You take your phone to text Paige, but you see you already got one in your inbox.

"She ambushed me in the library, I had to agree to lunch. Don't worry, everything's okay. See ya in the cafeteria. Love you."

Shit. Now, this is going to be really awkward.

It's not that hard to spot them in the cafeteria, there aren't many people around and even if it was the contrary, you still would be able to distinguish their laughter. You furrow your eyebrows, surprised – maybe Hanna hasn't found yet. You hope so, at least.

You sit between them, nudging and smiling at Paige – why is her smile so dreamy? – while totally avoiding Hanna's stare. You would be too nervous if you looked at her and you don't want Paige to know something is wrong, you don't want her to worry.

"What did you tell her? She only has that expression when she finds something cute."

"Hey, that's not true."

"It totally is", you shrug, "Remember when Ash's boyfriend come to visit her? You were completely smitten with his dog. You actually did a happy dance when they asked you to take care of him and you had that dreamy smile for the whole day. Oh, and that time when you..."

"Okay, okay, it's true. No need to rub it in my face."

"I'm not complaining. You are so adorable."

Is that a blush? Wow. This never happened before, you've never seen Paige blushing. You smile at her adoringly and – somehow mischievously, you're going to point it out later when you're alone, now it's not the time. You turn to Hanna, without looking at her in the eyes.

"I was just telling Paige here about that time your father was teaching us how to ride a bike, you know, when you were so sure of yourself, but fell into the mud. It was so funny. Oh, how much you cried!"

"Of all things you could have told, you really had to go and choose that?"

"Don't be mad, I think it's cute."

You blush harder as Paige flashes you that dreamy smile again and lays her hand on your knee, stroking it slowly. You smile at the gesture and look at her, you really wish you could kiss her right now. She seems to have the same idea, because she leans in and kisses you on the cheek. You smile, that's enough. For now.

"You are so cute!"

You laugh together at Hanna's squeal and you dare to look into her eyes, she seems calm and observing, like she's studying the two of you, there must be something she doesn't understand, but you can't really tell what's going through her mind and you hate it. Does she know? Ugh. You wish you could read her, not knowing is driving you insane.

You start to eat as you listen to them, it seems they're getting along well, they nod and smile at each other and they even already have their inside jokes – how long have they been talking? You are surprised, but you are really glad.

You don't talk much, throwing a comment there and there every once in a while, giving Hanna warning look when she's about to tell something embarrassing about your childhood again. It's not like you don't want Paige to know, but you want to be the one to tell her.

"Okay, I've been a good girl and let you eat... Now spill the beans, you two. I want to know everything."

"No."

"Oh, come on, it's not like I asked about your sex life. Actually, you can leave that part out."

"It's okay, Em."

"You say that now, just wait to hear her questions."

You sigh when Hanna winks at you and chuckles with Paige. You brace yourself for Hanna's third degree. You already made up a story to tell her in case she didn't know – something you're still not sure about. Actually, that was all you did in your classes. You just hope that Paige goes along with your plan.

"So, I've noticed there's a certain familiarity in the way you move around each other, that means you've totally done it, so..."

"Hanna! How is that not asking about our sex life?"

"Let me finish and you'll know. So, I'm going to ask the most important question first, like they say 'first things first'... Have you been getting it on in my bed?"

Your eyes widen and you blush as Paige chokes on the water she was drinking. You don't answer, your reactions are already a response. You both looked down embarrassed as Hanna stares at you with a unbelieving look on her face.

"It only happened once or twice", you try to justify yourselves when neither of them say anything.

"Yeah, most of the time we don't even reach the beds."

You stare at Paige incredulously, did she really just say that? You cover your face with your hands, trying to hide the embarrassment. You can't help but smile a little, though. Her face is indescribably funny.

"Did I say that out loud?", you and Hanna slowly nod, "Shit."

You stay silent for a few seconds until Hanna bursts out laughing, screaming a 'Got you there!' and making the whole cafeteria turn in your direction. Paige looks at you bewildered and you just shake your head, smiling.

"You made it so easy, I didn't think it would be so funny!", she says with tears on her eyes.

"I can't believe I fell for that", you smile and then you explain to Paige, "Hanna enjoys embarrassing people, making them uncomfortable. She says that seeing those worried faces is hilarious. She may have a point, you literally paled."

She pouts, "That's not funny. I really thought that she... I mean, I want... Never mind, I hate you both."

"Oh, someone here is touchy."

You smile as you listen to them bickering. You assume Hanna doesn't know, she wouldn't act this way if she did. Hanna can do many things, but she can't pretend. Not for too long. You sigh mentally in relief, she wouldn't understand.

"I want to know the whole story, girls."

"There's not much to say...", you say trying to be evasive, but Hanna cuts you off.

"There must be, otherwise you wouldn't have kept it from me."

Oh. Shit. Here it goes.

"That's my fault actually. I haven't come out yet, because..."

"Because her family is really conservative and she is trying to figure out how to tell them."

"And also because I have..."

"Not known long about her sexuality."

"That's cute, already finishing the other's sentences."

You manage a tight smile as Paige stares at you perplexed, you just look at her hoping she understands. She scrunches her nose and giving you a barely visible nod, without Hanna noticing it. You exhale relieved and then rub your temple, you'll have some explanations to do later.

"Yeah, I just found out recently and it was a kind of a shock for me, I had a bit of a hard time accepting it, but I've come at terms with it eventually. I still don't know how to tell my parents, but I'm trying to figure it out. I'm going to some LGBT's group meets and it's really helping me do that."

"You do?", you ask surprised.

"Yeah, I didn't want to tell you, because, you know... I'm still trying to figure it out, I guess?"

"I would have come with you if you told me."

"I know, but I wanted to do it on my own. Maybe you could come sometimes. If you still want to, I mean."

You nod and smile. So that's where she goes when she disappears for a few hours after every swim practice. She's trying, she's really trying. And you knew that, but you're happy to have a reminder of that. Sometimes it's just too easy to forget and to drown in your own insecurities.

"So Em's your first girl."

"Yeah, and hopefully even the last."

"Oh, smooth. I like her."

"I do, too."

You and Paige smile at each other and you reach for her hand under the table, she looks down and smiles again. You stroke it sweetly before withdrawing yours, you know that Paige is not comfortable with any kind of PDA.

"I'll have to go in a few, so lay it all on me. I'll ask Em for details another time."

"Do you wanna know something in particular?"

"Mmh, I always wondered something, how do you..."

"Don't even think about it", you warn in a stern voice.

"Geez, you're absolutely no fun, Emily. Go on, Paige, tell me the boring stuff. How did it happen, who made the first move and things like that. I have all imagined in my mind, I want to know if I won my bets."

Your eyes widen and you feel Paige's nervous look on you, "And who would you have bet with?"

"With myself, of course. You know, sometimes you're your better and worst enemy."

You sigh for the umpteenth time today while looking at Paige who just nods at what Hanna said, as she agrees. You do, too, to a certain degree. While life hasn't been exactly kind to you or Paige, you surely weren't to yourselves either. Destroying yourself is just too easy, picking yourself up is not.

"It was after we won..."

"Against Berkeley this year, we were in..."

"The locker room", Paige cuts you off just like you just did, glaring at you, and you nod, Hanna asked her after all, "We were the last ones left there and I had to do something, you know? It was now or never. I had spent years just looking at her hoping she would see me, actually see me and that was a chance that would never have represented itself, so I did, I took the chance."

You stare at Paige, you never knew she ever felt this way. She told you that her feelings go back to freshmen year, but you didn't understand they were already so deep back then. You thought it was just a crush – as the one you had on her, as the one you fought to bury within yourself – and that it developed into something more with time.

"I had a whole speech planned out, but when I got there I just forgot everything. Words are not my strong suit, anyway. I made sure she understood what I was going to do and then I did. It was..."

"Real."

You smile at the memory. Her hand on your cheek. Her lips on yours. Your skin in fire. Lips melting into each other's. Hands everywhere. Warmth. Wildness and freedom. Peace. Slumber. Empty cold bed. You cringe at that and then you remember, the bed isn't cold anymore. Paige warms it up every night. You smile again.

They both look at you, waiting for you to explain, but you just smile at them and shrug. Hanna accepts your silence, claiming she totally won against herself – apparently you're not the type to make the first move, but Paige just keeps on staring at you. She waits for Hanna to leave before asking what you meant.

"I don't know", you answer truthfully, "After Maya nothing ever felt real. I kept looking for something that felt real and it was a real struggle. I was like in war with myself and the entire world. Until you came. You woke me up from my slumber and I realized I was real, too. I almost forgot that while battling myself and the whole world."

"I'm glad you didn't forget."

"I am, too. And it is thanks you partly."

She smiles, "I'm happy to have helped."

"Can we go somewhere?", you ask, "Anywhere. I just want to be alone with you."

"This is not exactly... what I had in mind when I... I suggested a swim."

"Oh, really? Do you want me to stop?"

"Oh God, no. I mean, yes. No. For fuck's sake, I... I..."

You smile mischievously as you continue to nibble her earlobe, "You?"

"I... I can't think when... you do that."

"You don't need to think right now."

You've trapped her against the pool wall, latching your bodies together in a way she can't escape. You know it wouldn't take her that much strength to reverse your positions, but you're happy she doesn't even try to move. You like it when you're actually in control of the situation and you love the sound she makes, the reactions you can get out of her.

"I don't think I'm gonna... resist for much longer."

"You know, I wanted to do this before. You blushed and that was the first time I've actually seen you blush. It was so..." you tease her, "arousing. I could have taken you there."

"Em."

She tries to sound stern, but it comes off as a moan. You smirk as you move to her exposed neck and her hands find your hips, trying to hold on.

"I didn't think you were going to open up to Hanna, it really surprised me. I had no idea you felt that way."

"I wasn't... Not to her... I was opening up to you."

"Seeing you being so honest was appealing", you move the strap of her swimsuit with your mouth and then you bite her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

You hum in confirmation and, in one swift movement, she reverses your positions, you're the one trapped in her grip now. She doesn't do anything, she just stares at you.

"Then why did you lie to her?"

You sigh in frustration. Is she really doing this now? You give her an annoyed look, but her stare just hardens. You exhale again and give up.

"Should have I told her the whole truth? About Robert, too?"

"Yes. I didn't ask you to lie for me. I don't want you to."

"It's not just that, okay?", you huff, "She wouldn't understand. Her ex cheated on her and lied for months, she doesn't condone cheating. And neither do I. I know this, what we are doing, is wrong towards Robert, I really do and I'm really sorry. But I love you and I won't apologize for it. Never."

Her eyes soften, "Look, I get it, but... This is not making things right, Em."

"I know, but she wouldn't understand."

"Then make her understand. We lied too much, Em. It's my fault, I know, but now we can make it right."

You nod, "I'll figure something out."

"Good", she kisses tenderly the tip of your nose and then smiles wickedly, "Now, where were we?"

"I would be delighted to remind you."

You match her grin and flip the positions again. This time she won't get away. You won't let her. You smile at each other and then you connect your lips again. You need her and you need her now, but you need to say something first. Here, in the place everything started, where you've met and fell in love. You lay your hand on her chest, giving a little push so she stops. She looks at you worriedly, but you just smile.

"I've always seen you."

Author's note: Hey there, Paige McCullers. If you don't know this song, go and listen to it right now. That used to be my 'cheer up' song when I felt down about Paily (and Dana Piccoli is just amazing). It gave me new hope that many could really see Paige as the persone she is. More people should see Paige (did someone say MIK? No? Heard wrong, sorry). I just hope that someday Emily remembers.

I didn't disappear, I 'just' got a writer's block and I began to feel really insecure about the story and my writing in general, I still not am over it completely. I'm sorry. I think next updates will be shorter, but I plan to update more frequently. They need to be shorter because they are really important and crucial moments on their relationship and I want to focus on them.

Oh, I changed the lyrics used in the previous chapter. Not so vital, but maybe somebody is interested. I also made a tumblr account (I still don't know how to use it properly, but I am learning). The name is the same. If you want to ask me something, I am talking mostly to the guests, you'll find me there.

To the guest who reviewed the last chapter: If Paige ever manages to tell him the truth, he may accept it. Or he may not. But she can't know how he would react. He always stood by her side and she doesn't want to break his heart. She's scared of that and of losing him, too. So he may understand, but how can Paige know that? It's hard to break the heart of someone you love, don't you think?