Immer: Music and yaoi are my drugs. Just saying. Yes I'm making reference to the song that inspired the chapter title.
Chapter title from the lyrics of the song Criminal by Framing Hanley.
Chapter Three Secrets Are Exposed
WIRSINDDERJAGER
Levi awoke in his bed. He had no recollection how he got there, but he wasn't alone. There was a candle lit, and he groggily turned to see Erwin using his desk to work. Judging by his face, he was going over the list of the missing or confirmed dead.
"Erwin...?" Levi sat up, feeling his muscles strain. He was sore all over, in more ways than one.
"Eren stepped over a line, didn't he." It wasn't a question, but a statement.
Levi glanced over himself. He was in casual wear, and his leg was wrapped. This meant Erwin had seen the marks Eren had caused. He looked up again to see blue eyes studying him. They were guarded, timidly afraid to take things to a personal level.
"He stepped over a few, actually." Levi admitted, unsure if he should trust Erwin with such information, but who else was he to trust? The commander knew him best, it was difficult to keep lies from this man.
"And yet you're not cutting him off. I wouldn't hold it against you to quit the job I assigned to you. I feel responsible for everything that happened to the both of you." Erwin was assuring him, and his tone showed he was honest.
Not that Erwin ever had any reason to lie to him.
"I don't care about the damned job. It's just...I'm so confused. I know I should cut him off, but I can't. He's my responsibility one way or another, it's not like I can avoid him, Erwin." Levi was conflicted.
So many emotions raced through him, he had a hard time calming them. He recognized anger, anger at Eren for being an arrogant prick and overstepped a boundary. He was angry at himself for being so weak to defy him, angry at himself for not cutting the brat out of his sexual life. There was also the insane amount of guilt for putting Eren through all of this, tearing his young heart a harsh lesson about relationships.
All rolled on top of the guilt and grief over the loss of his squad. He felt for the major losses in general, but the loss of an entire squad hit him hardest. In hindsight, he was glad Mikasa wasn't on that list. He wouldn't ever forgive himself if she had perished in her own recklessness, and he would have to live to see Eren's torn face for the rest of his life.
It's all about Eren. My thoughts all focus around him, and I can't shake him out of my head.
"How does he make you feel?" Erwin watched as the captain tensed.
"Careful. Are you asking as my partner, or as my commander?" Levi stared, eyes flashing in the candlelight.
"I am asking as a concerned friend."
"...He makes me feel...fuck. I don't know."
"I have never seen you this flustered and bothered in the five years I've known you, Levi." Erwin scooted the chair closer. A hand reached over to cup a pale cheek. Levi stilled, never had the commander ever touched him so gently, so affectionately.
Then the hand lowered to the hickeys on his neck. They were on the same side, inches apart. Something about his eyes made Levi tense, and for the first time he couldn't read Erwin. And he remembered how Mike would mention how possessive Erwin was, and Levi didn't believe him.
He never showed me how possessive he was.
Until now. Levi was backed up against the wall, Erwin hovered over him. He was testing his boundaries, their trust. They never broke eye contact, watching for the each other's reactions. Not even as Erwin leaned forward and mouth on a pale throat, opposite of the side Eren had marked the previous night.
His bite was unrelenting and Levi winced.
"Stop." He was shaking, heart aching.
Erwin respected his wishes and pulled away. He leaned their foreheads together. His hands cupped the pale face, thumbs ready to wipe any tears should they come. But they never came. Instead Erwin comforted him with a gentle kiss on the forehead.
"You know how to say no to me. Either Eren doesn't have respect for you, or you can't tell him no. Considering his reaction earlier, I can safely assume it's the latter."
"What do you mean?" Levi furrowed his brow.
"He wanted to help you when you collapsed. But I got to you first. I think he knows about us." Erwin sighed, he hadn't been blind to Eren's reaction.
"I gave him the option to be a sex partner. He knows he's not the only one, I never mentioned names. And he agreed. But then...last night he became possessive. I couldn't...no I wouldn't stop him." Levi elaborated, correcting himself on the latter.
"I see. He makes you feel things you've never felt before. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous."
"But you are."
"I am. I had never meant to burden you with using you to unleash all of my grief on over the years. Somewhere along the way I felt something, but pushed them away. I knew how you stood on relationships. And in the past I gave up a girl for the Survey Corp. So I am prepared to walk alone in life."
This is getting too personal.
"Help me. Just for tonight. I need...I need a distraction." Levi changed the subject.
"From your loss or Eren?"
"Both. Just for tonight. I need to clear my head from him. Until I can figure out what I am going to do, I need to clear my head."
All I can think of is Eren, even in the arms of someone else.
"I'm always here. Tonight I'll be your distraction." Erwin understood.
That night, a part of him was relieved to feel Erwin's touch. He had missed the feel of him, the gentle hands yet rough hips setting a fast and harsh pace that left him wonderfully aching. And yet in Levi's mind all he could think of was Eren. His body and mind craved Eren even under the ministrations of Erwin.
Don't hate me, Eren.
WIRSINDDERJAGER
In Hange's office, Eren told the other everything. He spilled it all, from the accident that started all of this to the previous night. When he got to the point of the captain collapsing, he started crying.
Hange sat silently, absorbing all information slowly. They were also allowing Eren to let out the pain and fury he felt bubbled up inside. It was better this way than a confrontation with Levi or Erwin.
"So you're telling me you stepped over a boundary with the captain, knowing full well of the possible consequences?" This was something critical for Hange to get to the bottom of.
"Yes..." Eren sniffed, calming down from crying his eyes out.
"Yet he didn't immediately punish you."
"Why is that important?" Eren looked up, wiping his eyes.
"Normally, Captain Levi can't stand when someone disobeys him. Erwin isn't an exception, though he never gave Levi any reason to be angry at him. It's just not normal for him to avoid the issue, rather than confront it upright. The captain is a blunt individual."
"So...are you saying I have a good chance with the captain?" Eren didn't want to get his hopes up.
"It's too early to say. That all depends on his interactions with Erwin from this day on. I suggest you give him space, don't push the matter. By doing this it shows him that you respect his boundaries, and last night was a simple mistake." Hange leaned back in their chair.
"I can't say I blame you, it was the heat of the moment and even in the act he would have told you to stop. I have heard of whispers of what he does on his spare time. I have seen when he cut someone out of his life for doing the same thing. So maybe he has a soft spot for you, and only you."
"But...why me?" Eren frowned.
I'm just a monster.
"Dunno. I'm not the one you should ask. When the moment is right, ask him. And watch his body language when he answers. Even with him the body doesn't lie while the mouth says otherwise." Hange shrugged.
"Thanks, Hange. And I'm sorry for keeping you awake after...after all that's happened today." Eren stood, feeling much better.
"No problem, Eren. And, should you have any questions about Captain Levi, feel free to ask me. Don't tell him I said this but I'm rooting for you." The squad leader smiled wickedly.
"...Thanks? Anyway, night Hange."
"Good night, Eren."
WIRSINDDERJAGER
For the next week Captain Levi was hardly seen. His leg injury was serious enough Commander Erwin had to put his foot down and ordered the captain to rest from his duties. The concern over Levi was diminished when Erwin announced a special operations mission that was to be taken place inside Wall Sina.
The Survey Corp was eager for revenge on the Female Titan.
None more so than Captain Levi.
And yet he was told he wouldn't take part. In response to this, the captain became irritable. The broom or mop he used as he cleaned became his weapon. Not even Erwin was spared from a whacking if he treaded too close to a clean area with less than spotless boots.
Due to this ball of angst the captain became, Eren avoided bringing up the issue between them. Which Levi was grateful for, to be honest. He was trying to avoid both Erwin and Eren, withdrawing long enough to gather his bearings and sort out his emotions. All the while he was thinking over who to name his new squadron.
Erwin gave me the choice to choose.
Levi took his time to figure out. His mind had already chosen Mikasa Ackerman and Jean Kirstein. He was debating on a few others, at the moment going over reports of performances and how close they were to Eren. Since his squad focused solely on protecting the titan shifter, then he had to choose carefully on who would pull off the job with their own life if needed.
On the day the trap for Annie was sprung, Levi made his decision. He had watched from afar, and he knew exactly what names to give to Erwin later. But first, he had Eren to fetch.
I'm disobeying Erwin's orders. A first. And all for Eren. Who would have thought?
Levi had changed and geared up. He was in the air within no time. With precise calculations he swung his blades, watching as Eren was now half out of his titan body.
"Oi. Don't go eating our witness." He stated, yet there wasn't annoyance in his tone.
Eren's titan form collapsed on its knees, slumped over. With precise skill Levi cut Eren out the rest of the way, noticing he was unconscious. Not even bothered to wait until Mikasa or Armin helped him, Levi slumped the titan shifter over his shoulder and maneuvered his way to the ground.
"Captain! Is he?" Mikasa was by his side.
"He'll be fine. Just unconscious for the moment." He let her take him, relieving the strain placed on his leg.
"That was a close one." Armin breathed a sigh of relief.
"We're not out of the woods yet. And something happened to Annie. I didn't get a good look, but it looked like she was being cocooned by something." Levi informed just as Hange and Erwin drew near. A few seconds later Mike joined them.
"You were supposed to stay out of this." The commander was a mix of grateful and stern.
"I didn't see anyone else jumping in and cut him out. He would have eaten her otherwise. I had planned to interfere if she had gotten to the top of the wall, but I wasn't needed." Levi ignored the fury rising within Erwin.
"And you could have made the injury worse. You're worth an entire brigade, humanity can't afford to lose you to retirement."
Behind the captain Eren stirred. He woke up to Erwin's words and shot up, thinking it was being said to him. He blinked when he recognized the captain standing in front of him facing the commander. Eren sensed sparks flying and stared, openly confused.
"As if I would retire because of a leg. I'll charge out of the gates with or without this leg, I don't give a shit either way. And do you mean humanity, or yourself?" Levi didn't understand why he was starting shit, he knew of the consequences.
Erwin tensed up, and Mike held him back. Hange cleverly changed their attention to the corpse of Annie's titan. It was mostly dissipated, leaving behind some oval shaped crystal behind. Jean and Connie studied it.
"What is this? Some form of crystal?"
"Hey! She's inside of it!"
Hange ran to the crystal, hands feeling all over for the texture. Attention deflected for the moment, Erwin followed after the squad leader to have a better look at Annie encased in crystal. Mike stayed behind for a moment. Eren and his friends overheard the conversation without meaning to.
"I warned you he's possessive. And what was that? Are you trying to stir the fire? You'll end up getting yourself burned." The blonde squad leader glared.
"Thank you, Mike. But you're neither a parent or partner. And should you stick your nose in my business again, I'll break it." Levi didn't want to hear any of it.
Mike looked like he wanted to punch the short captain. Levi glared, as if daring him to try. The taller man breathed in deeply, then turned and stiffly walked away. Eren got to his feet, the movement caught the captain's attention.
"Do better not to lose control next time. You almost ate her." Despite his harsh words, there wasn't any venom in them as compared to when Levi spoke to Erwin or Mike.
"I'll be sure it won't happen again." Eren studied him. "And captain? Thank you. For cutting me out before I did something I would regret later."
"I signed up to stop you from getting out of hand. I'm not about to hand that responsibility over to anyone else just yet."
"But what about your leg?" Armin frowned.
"I'm used to pain. Erwin is just taking this too seriously. He's letting his emotions cloud his judgment. I simply reminded him I'm no princess." Levi snorted, pretending he wasn't bothered.
In truth, he was distraught. In a flash of anger he might have just broken a trust that had previously been unbreakable. Levi honestly didn't understand what had come over him in that moment.
"I'm sorry about you and Erwin." Mikasa conveyed her concerns.
"We were never in a relationship to begin with. We were simply...how do you say, friends with benefits? And now he's crossed a line. I knew it was to end at some point." Levi shrugged with indifference.
All good things come to an end.
WIRSINDDERJAGER
"Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman, Connie Springer, Sasha Braus, Armin Arlert, and Krista Lenz. Report to me tomorrow at dawn to start training as the new members of the Special Forces Squad." Levi announced at the end of dinner, the night of the bittersweet victory on capturing Annie.
"Sweet! We get to work under Captain Levi!"
"That's not something to boast about in front of the captain after what happened to the previous squad."
"I have to work with Eren?"
"Huh? But I'm not strong..." Krista was hesitant to be a burden.
"Yeah, neither am I." Armin assured her. "But he must have his reasons to name us weaklings."
"I named all of you for the simple fact you're all capable. Our objective is to protect Eren, even with our very lives. Some of you I know will do just that. Others, I trust to take the initiative should something happen." Levi left out the part of whether something were to happen to him.
My previous squad was best suited for myself. But throw Eren into the picture, and it overthrew our rhythm to operate at our best. My absence didn't help matters. I aim to correct that with this new squad.
This was why he included Armin in the end. At first he wasn't going to, on the account he would slow them down. But he proved himself worthy with his brilliant mind, able to come up with plans on the spot that actually worked. With Armin's plans and Jean's ability to lead, Mikasa's strength, Connie's and Sasha's instincts, and Krista's compassion this should make the squad run smoother to complete their objectives.
"Who would be second in command?" Eren looked up at him.
"At current, no one. Once I've had the time to better judge who is suited for the responsibility then I will name my second in command." Honestly it was a toss up between Mikasa and Jean.
They each share qualities the other lacks to be a leader.
Mikasa had the strength. She could easily be someone he could rely on. But after the first encounter with Annie, he wasn't so sure if she could remain level headed enough while Eren was in serious danger. He read the reports of Jean's performance in Trost. He was pleased with the results, but in field he lacked experience to gain the confidence to lead.
It all depends how they mature as time goes on and adjust to be a Scout.
"Now get to bed, you brats. I won't settle for tardiness tomorrow. Anyone who shows up five minutes late are expected to clean toilets for a week." Levi felt a sick satisfaction as they scrambled. They each took their plates to the kitchen and headed for bed.
Except for one Eren Fucking Jaeger.
"What do you want, Eren?" Levi narrows his eyes at him.
"Can we talk?"
"We're talking now, aren't we?"
"You know what I mean, captain."
I guess I can't run from the problem forever.
"...Fine. Follow me." Levi gave in, leading the way to his room. He ignored the curious glances from his new squadron.
Levi took his seat at his desk, setting out a special tea set. The teapot had a holder that underneath where a small candle could be placed and heat up the liquid. He set it up, using some of his own personal tea leaves he stored in his desk. He only used them on rare occasions, as these are the more expensive brand from the inner city.
"Don't just stand at the door like a moron. Sit." Levi motioned to the bed. Eren nervously made his way over to the bed and sat, waiting patiently.
"I can guess what you want to talk to me about. It's about us, right?"
"I know Erwin is your other partner."
"Was. What you saw earlier was me ending his partnership with me." Levi finished his work with the tea set and turned to meet Eren's gaze while they waited for the tea to heat up.
"What? Why did you end it? I...I thought you would be ending our partnership in favor of the commander's." Eren blinked, confused. And in the midst of the confusion, even in the dim candlelight Levi could see hope in those expressive eyes.
"A rational part of me wanted to. And yet here we are. I trust Erwin with my life, and he is one of few to earn my complete respect and loyalty. But I can't stand when he crosses a boundary with me."
"But I've also crossed a line."
"Hence why I avoided you for a while. The difference, Eren, is I can't seem to defy you. I can't tell you to stop. And yet I could freely tell Erwin and Mike to leave me alone. With you, however? You draw me in. I can't stay mad at you. Granted, I will be mad for a while, but not like how I am with everyone else."
Eren sat there, letting the information sink in. Levi waited a long moment. As minutes passed, the tea was ready. He poured some into two cups. Once they cooled enough to hold he handed one to Eren before he continued on.
"I find myself forgiving you for what you did. As for Erwin? I can't forgive him. He acted out of line. He started treating me like glass. I hate feeling like I am fragile, because I'm not. I meant it that I would be willing to ride out beyond the wall with or without this leg. I won't be dying behind these caged walls while people die in the name of humanity's sake."
"You mean you would...rather die out there? Even if we don't make it to our goals?" Eren furrowed his brow.
"I accepted death a long time ago. And yet death has yet to come greet me. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal. When my time comes, it's my time. But until then I will keep fighting with everything I got. Even as my friends fall, their wings broken, I will keep flying in honor of their memories."
What am I doing? This is something I never told Erwin. Yet here I am telling my deepest secrets to Eren.
"You have to learn to grasp your dream. Whatever drives you onward, hold it close to your heart and don't lose sight of it. Comrades die each time we venture beyond the wall. It's something you have to learn to accept." Levi knew the deaths of the first squad was still fresh for them, but he had to say something about it.
"I realize that now. I thought that, since I'm a titan, I can prevent lives lost. I was foolish and naive." Eren lowered his head.
"Mistakes happen at every turn. Mine was allowing the squad leave without me. But I doubt even if I was there when she attacked, I wouldn't have made the difference. Loss can also serve to give you strength, by tapping into strength you didn't know you had."
"Is that how you stopped her to rescue me?" Eren recalled how Mikasa told him the captain moved with such speed and fury, even she wouldn't have been able to match.
"Mm. Since I was young, I was always strong. I knew what to do, even in the most intense situations. I let my body take over and simply react. I have better control of this strength by pushing all thoughts and emotions aside. Without distractions I can better utilize my strength and act accordingly."
"Reminds me of Mikasa. She's the same way, but she can't control it as well as you." Eren commented with a chuckle.
That's something I will check on with her later.
"Her emotional ties with you are her distraction. It's why even though most would consider obvious of me naming her my second in command, I haven't because of that one simple detail. She wanted to kill Annie and ignored my orders. It almost got her killed." Levi admitted, sipping his tea.
"So that's how you injured your leg." Eren guessed, feeling mixed emotions.
"Don't blame her. She has shown progress to reign in her emotions better. And I may or may not have intentionally dumped dirty water on her earlier this week as punishment."
At his words Eren laughed. The sound made Levi's heart skip. The beautiful sound did things to him. Most notably he felt grateful to hear Eren laugh after all that had happened this week. He was also swelled with pride at the fact he was the one who made Eren laugh. And without a moment of hesitation he moved. He didn't even bother holding back the sudden need to do something he had never done with anyone else.
Levi's hands were gentle as they cupped tanned cheeks. Eren stopped laughing to blink in surprise. He stared in awe, and Levi found himself drowning in those eyes and the ever intoxicating scent. After a moment of staring Levi surprised both of them and leaned in for a kiss.