Immer: Things are getting awkward and reality is hitting the face.

Title from the lyrics of Castle by Halsey.

Chapter Five Choking On My Pride

WIRSINDDERJAGER

"So, you and Eren..." Jean caught the captain alone at the stables a week after the nicknames incident.

Levi stared, eyes narrowed. He had expected Mikasa or Armin to figure it out first, but not Jean. This was a strange turn of events.

"Just spit it out, Kirstein."

"Look, I'm not judging. It's just...I've heard of whispers back in the Training Corp. About you. And not all of them good. I just want to make sure you didn't trap him, or something."

...Ah. Looking out for a friend.

"I assure you, I am not using Eren."

"Forgive me for being honest, but I don't know if I can fully believe you, captain."

You're not one of the first to doubt me.

"Jean. Can you keep a secret to your grave?"

"Yes, captain."

"Then let me tell you something. I used to be in a partnership with Erwin. When Eren came to the picture, and Erwin started being possessive, I had to choose between them. In the end I chose Eren."

"Do you regret it? Choosing Eren."

"I broke a five year long trust for him. Do I regret it? Sometimes. But whenever I'm around Eren, nothing else matters." Levi was being honest. If Jean wasn't in his squad and a friend of Eren's, he wouldn't have bothered telling him any of this.

"He's like your warm sun, clearing away your storm..." Jean trailed off, a strange look in his eyes.

He is the sun. His presence alone calms my demons, my nightmares.

"That's one way to put it. I take it you had someone special?"

"He died. Back in Trost. To this day it still fucks me up sometimes." Jean choked, biting his lip.

"I am sorry to hear that." Levi didn't know what else to say.

"It's okay. I'm learning day by day. I should get back to my chores."

He turned to leave. Jean made a few steps and stopped. Levi stared, half expecting him to say something more. Jean half turned, eyes bright and flashed a devious smirk.

"Yo, captain. Should you hurt him, I don't care about Mikasa or Armin, I get first dibs punching your face."

Cheeky brat. But I can't hold it against him.

"Captain, Commander Erwin needs you in his office." Mike approached, expression stern.

"What for?" Levi had hoped for a nap after he was done with his chores.

"I don't know. But don't keep him waiting."

And just as he came, Mike went. Levi watched him go, unsure what to make of this. But even so, he finished grooming his horse. With growing dread he made his way towards Erwin's office. He passed by Eren, who was cleaning with Mikasa and Armin.

"Everything okay, captain?" Eren noticed how pale he was.

"Fine. Keep dusting. There's a spot you lot missed. Get to it." Levi didn't mean to be harsh, but his main concern was something else.

He entered the office without even knocking.

"Ah, I was wondering if you were going to show up." Erwin didn't even look up from the paperwork.

"Did you have doubts? Even though we're not partners, I'm still your loyal dog. And normally you request my presence at night, not in the middle of the day."

"Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?" Erwin finally looked up.

"..." Levi opened his mouth, but no words came out. Instead he diverted his gaze to the floorboards.

"It's all right if you're not ready. I have buried my heart. So whenever you're ready, you know where to find me." Erwin assured, and Levi nodded.

"So, what did you need my help with?"

"I think the Military Police are planning something. Specifically towards me. Since we saw an exposed titan inside Wall Sina, I have been trying to get at the bottom of it. I have an old friend who joined the MP, and he sent me a warning letter. All he can say is to be careful, I'm apparently stirring something up."

"You proved to them that one of their own was a titan. That's not something they will take standing down, it's a huge hit to their pride." Levi didn't mention the fact they were responsible for all the damages Eren and Annie caused.

"Yes, and I want to prepare for the worst."

"...You saying they might kill you?" He stared, following the implementations.

"They very well might try." Blue eyes stared back.

"...What do you want me to do?"

WIRSINDDERJAGER

That night, word was brought to them that titans have breached the wall. Levi was forced to be uninvolved, due to his leg. But the chaos of the aftermath was all too much to fully process. He hadn't been informed of Eren's kidnapping until long after the matter. But he didn't have time to be angry when Erwin returned missing an arm, and his condition wasn't good.

At first it was touch and go, and eventually he was told Erwin would make it. Levi took his leave before the commander woke up. He had a squad to reunite with, and he missed Eren horribly. All the while he was still wrapping his head around this, all the reports and the revelation of three more titans.

This is all too much to process at once.

When he entered the castle he was immediately pulled into a hug by Eren. Levi didn't have the heart to reprimand him for such public affections, too relieved to finally breathe in his scent and feel his strong arms around him. In fact the feel of them almost had him fall asleep then and there.

"How's the commander?" Eren pulled away, eyes genuinely concerned.

"He'll make it. But there are disturbing reports. Some of us are missing. And after a head count, some villages are unaccounted for." Levi was exhausted, he wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and let Eren cuddle with him.

"You look like shit, captain." Jean commented, but there was worry in his voice as well.

"I came soon as I knew Erwin would be all right. My apologies for not coming sooner, but if he had...I wouldn't forgive myself for not being there." He sighed, taking a seat. He hardly had any sleep last few days.

"I feel like it's my fault." Eren brought him some tea, which Levi gratefully took a sip.

"Don't blame yourself. Erwin is a stubborn one." Levi assured him.

"So what's going to happen now?" Armin inquired, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"For now, we wait. I don't know what we're waiting for, but with a number of losses and Erwin is down for the account for the moment, we don't have much else to do."

We are to watch over Eren and Historia.

"In the meantime, I think it's time you tell us your true background. Hange told me what you confessed to them." He might have been exhausted, but he had to learn.

She told her family history. And how her mother died, and she would have died soon after, but her father had a change of heart. Conveniently, shortly after the breach of Wall Maria, her father lost all of his heirs in one night. She was the bastard child, now the only living heir to the Reiss family.

Then she signed up for military. She chose the Survey Corp because it meant a higher risk of her death. But now she doesn't wish to die. She found a family among them, and she was selfish all along despite her kindness.

Levi didn't know what to think.

He went to bed that night with a heavy heart. The next morning, Hange arrived to inform they were to test Eren's titan powers. Their hope to retake Wall Maria was bleak, as Eren didn't seem to have the hardening ability like Annie. Instead they switched to learning as much as they could of Eren's abilities.

By the third transformation Levi had enough.

"We're done, Hange." He snarled as he swooped in and cut Eren out. To his concern the brat was unconscious.

"But...but I have to learn more!" Hange hadn't seen Eren's state yet.

"Are you blind? This wasn't a full fledged titan form. And the brat is unconscious. Mikasa, help me move him." Levi was irritable for a number of reasons.

Fucking Hange is working him to exhaustion.

Mikasa was by his side. Together they carried Eren off of his titan body. He would have liked to carry Eren the rest of the way, but his leg started acting up. So with reluctance he allowed Mikasa taking over the responsibility. When they all returned to base, they were greeted with a man they had never seen before.

He was sitting at one of the dining tables, casually finishing a meal and a drink. But his uniform had them all on edge.

"What's a shiny pig doing here?" Levi glared, earning an elbow in the ribs by Hange, who cleared their throat.

"Excuse him, he's having a rough day. So what do we owe this visit...?"

"It's as they say about you, captain. You're a wild dog without Erwin holding the leash." The man studied him.

In a flash of fury Levi took a step with the intent of slamming this man's head to the table. His squad reacted quickly, and arms grabbed him, while Hange held an arm out to hold him back. Even with three people clinging onto him it was a strain to keep him in place.

"Let's keep this as professional as possible. Why are you here?" Hange knew the longer this man was here, the less chances of him leaving without a beating.

"I come with a message from my old friend Erwin, now that he's awake. He wants to see Squad Leader Hange and Captain Levi."

"Is that all?" Hange frowned, unsure why this man in particular would bother coming all they way out here just for that.

"That is all. I happened to be visiting him when he said he wanted to see you guys. So I figured I should volunteer."

"It's more than just that, isn't it? You came here antagonizing Captain Levi." Armin squeezed by to stand in front of the captain.

The man drank the last of his drink and stood up.

"I've been meaning to see him for myself. Since Erwin became commander, suddenly Levi is his most loyal dog. I know Erwin is a chess master, and a damned good one. He pulls strings like it's a game, an excellent puppet master. After seeing you in person, Captain Levi, my assumption is correct. You're his most powerful piece, the Queen. And yet he couldn't conquer you, could he? After all, there is Eren Jaeger."

In a flash Levi broke free. All he saw was red, and he lost control. One moment he was standing, the next he had the man down on the floor, beating his face in with a fist, and the other choking him. He was in such a fury he hadn't noticed a hand was choking his own throat, almost crushing it. Then someone grabbed hold of him and yanked him to the side.

He was forced on the wooden floor, an arm twisted back and the weight of someone holding him down. Levi struggled, but the lack of oxygen finally hit him. His body gave up, as he gasped and coughed. His throat hurt and he knew it would bruise.

"I think it's time you leave. You are one step away from having an entire squad on your ass. So get out of here, and don't ever come back." Jean snarled, gripping the man's collar. When he nodded, Jean let go, but not once his eyes never strayed from the officer as he scrambled to his feet.

"I remember your thug life in the Underground City. You were a pain in the ass, and Erwin had the bright idea to recruit you. Dogs like you aren't meant to be in the military."

Levi's eyes flashed a dangerous glint. He struggled to shake whoever held him down, but it proved to be difficult. He felt the other body laid fully down on top of him, crushing him. It was difficult to breathe again, and he was forced to be still.

"I said, leave, buddy. Say shit one more time, and I can't guarantee your safety." Jean pushed him to the door.

"All right, all right. I'm out." He scoffed, heading for the door.

When he left everyone sighed. Eyes turned to Levi, who struggled once more.

"Let. Me. Up." He snarled at his captor.

"Are you going to behave? If I let you up, you're not going to hunt him down are you?" Hange responded coldly.

"I. Can't. Breathe. Now let me up, Four-Eyes!" He wheezed, and it must have been enough for Hange.

The hold on his arm loosened, and they slowly got off of him. Levi rolled to his back and sat up, gasping loudly. His throat still hurt, and he undid the caravet. With reluctance he pulled it off the rest of the way, hand feeling over where it was sore.

"Might want to keep that on when you see Erwin. It's already a dark bruise." Hange advised, not liking how nasty it appeared.

"Were you trying to kill him or something, captain?" Jean stood over him. "And what was he on about with Erwin and Eren?"

Shit. I bet it was the Military Police who made such a stink about the fake relationship until the higher ups gave in.

He felt everything crushing down around him. The ground was crumbling underneath him. He was drowning, drowning as the lies caught up to him. He knew it would eventually, he had hoped to find the moment to tell Eren everything. But whenever he was about to, he lost his courage.

Maybe I am falling in love.

This didn't calm his rising panic. He couldn't hear anyone around him, withdrawn into his own world. When an arm touched him, he violently pushed away. A second later arms scooped him up, and he reacted by thrashing. In his mind the arms were dangerous. He was placed somewhere, and the arms left him alone. Levi withdrew further into his head.

When he came to, he was sitting on a couch. His cheeks were wet with drying tear stains. And he was wrapped around in a blanket. Beside him he recognised a familiar scent. He didn't have to turn to know it was Eren. On an another side he caught sight of blonde hair. Since Mikasa was having a quiet conversation with Hange at their desk, he guessed the blonde was Armin.

"Hey, you okay? I heard what happened. I'm sorry I wasn't awake during that." Eren scooted closer, afraid to touch him.

"...What happened?" At first all he remembered was overseeing the titan experiments. Then it hit him all at once. "...Oh."

"You feel better? You kind of scared us." Hange moved closer to study him.

"I feel numb." Levi admitted.

"If it's not too much trouble, can you explain a few things? Like what that man meant. You can take your time."

Levi lowered his head.

"I didn't mean for it to come to this. And my apologies for hurting all of you." He choked, and inhaled to gather his wits before continuing.

He started from the beginning.

WIRSINDDERJAGER

"So what took you so long?" Erwin inquired as Hange and Levi shuffled into his room.

"We know what you had Levi do. What I don't understand is why you two thought it was a good idea to go along with what the higher ups wanted us to do. He's just a kid." Hange stared at them.

Levi took a seat, shoulders slumped.

"I'm a puppet, Hange. Even when I try to cut my strings, I have no choice but to return to the puppet master. This isn't the first time I tried to break them, but this is the first time I'm broken."

"...What happened?" Erwin sat up straighter.

"We'll tell you in a bit. But someone is here to tell you something about the titans. Come in, Connie." Hange ushered the young man inside.

"I don't know if this will hold any ground, but something has been bothering me. When titans appeared, I went to my town. I found no survivors. But my house was crushed by a deformed titan. And..." Connie gulped, before continuing.

"It said welcome home. I know that sounds crazy, but I know it spoke. And thinking back on it now, it kind of looked like my mom. And that got me thinking, maybe somehow, some way, the towns that are unaccounted for were somehow the ones that became titans."

"It makes sense, as there were no abnormalities in Trost or anywhere else along Wall Rose, which wasn't breached. And I took the liberty of looking at the amount of titans there were. It's a close enough number to the villagers that disappeared in the retreat. Of course I can't leave out the amount of lives the titans took. And, some of our own have gone missing."

"What do you mean missing?" Erwin was handed the paperwork Hange had gone over.

"Mike's squad is on the miss. The last to see him alive was Sasha. She was told to leave, as he sensed titans were coming. And his squad isn't the only one unaccounted for. And someone reported seeing a group of dead horses, crushed or thrown on the outskirts of a few small towns. One of them was in the area Sasha last saw Mike."

Erwin sighed, his face tormented. Levi couldn't find it within himself to comfort him. In their grief, they realized a horror that a titan had killed horses. It was either an abnormal, or a titan shifter. They were all betting on the latter.

"So all along I've been killing humans..." Levi was disturbed.

"This is grave news. Hange, inform all of the families of the missing Scouts' deaths. And Connie, thank you for telling me what you encountered. I want to know if that titan is still there. Send a few squadron out as soon as possible, Hange. I want to investigate this theory."

"Yes, sir. Shall we give you two some space?" Hange knew they needed to talk.

"Please, thank you."

They silently took their leave. Erwin stared at Levi, who moved from the chair to set on the edge of the bed.

"I did what you advised. I broke up with him. After I told him everything, I ended the relationship. He wanted to argue, but I left before he could convince me otherwise."

"I truly am sorry. I'll tell him I take full responsibility."

"It doesn't matter, Erwin. You got what you wanted in the end."

"I wanted you to be happy. You didn't have to heed my advice. I only said it as an in case measure. When he gets kidnapped again, I don't want to see you lose control."

"Well, I did it. And once again I'm your fucking loyal dog. I started all the partnerships to see if it made you angry. But you didn't care so long as I came at your call."

"So you did all of this out of spite. Testing my boundaries. I made it seem like I didn't care because I recognized the game you were playing. And you tripped in your own game and fell hard for someone else." Erwin understood his bitterness.

"I don't know if this is love or infatuation." Levi bit his lip.

"What do you miss about him? When you think of him, what do you want from him?"

Levi thought about it. And the words came forth without a second thought.

"I want his kiss. I want his arms around me. I want to protect him. I want his laugh. His smile...Erwin, is this love?"

"It certainly sounds like it."

"Then...why does it hurt?" Levi choked back a sob. "All those love stories the nobles are obsessed with, they make love sound all perfect and happy."

He felt like he was being crushed by the weight of this pain, this supposed love. He still had a hard time accepting that this was love at all. But ever since Hange dared to voice it, it started gnawing at his brain. It wouldn't leave him at peace at night, when he had little sleep to begin with.

"When I was in training, I met this lovely girl. She had spirit. And her freedom to say what she wants, be minding what others thought, drew me to her. But I wasn't the only one. My best friend had a crush on her, too. When it came to graduation, I had to choose. Love, or titans."

So that's why he was interested in me. I was like that, once upon a time. It feels like a lifetime ago.

It was hard to believe it had only been five years.

"Did she give you that ultimatum?"

"No. I knew that if I were to rise up in the ranks of the Survey Corp, I can't have distractions. And, well, you know what happened. My best friend married her after he signed up for the Military Police. They live in the inner city, and have three children together. They send me letters now and then to update. I am the godfather, after all."

"...You gave her up to spare the pain of your funeral. Do you regret it? You could have been their father." Levi wasn't angry anymore.

He saved her from a worse fate.

"I try not to dwell on it. There are times I find myself fancying the idea of having a loving wife, and little brats running around. But, my curiosity for the outside world would consume me. And I would regret that more than giving up a family life."

"I can imagine you being a father." Levi admitted, laying down so he was beside Erwin.

I am not seeking his touch. I just miss our comfortableness to being so open to each other.

"Oh? How so? I'm curious." The blonde chuckled, not minding the cuddling. In fact he welcomed it.

"You're already like a father figure to the Survey Corp, believe it or not. The brats look up to you like one."

"Never would have thought." Erwin chuckled with a faintest hint of a smile.

"If nothing comes up, can I stay here for tonight? Just as friends. I don't want to face my nightmares alone." Levi hated admitting or hinting that he was scared, but he knew he could trust Erwin.

I am so tired. So tired from everything.

"Yes, you can stay. And Levi?"

"Mm."

"When the time is right, I think you should tell Eren how you feel. Just to get it off of your chest. Even if you lose your chance with him, you won't be left wondering for the rest of your life what could have been."

"Like you, Erwin?" Levi flinched, knowing how insensitive that sounded.

Erwin didn't show he was hurt. Instead he wrapped an arm around the smaller form. Levi was given a grim reminder that he wouldn't ever feel a full embrace from Erwin ever again. He supposed it was a punishment for them, for what they had done.

I would say it's my fault, but he would tell me otherwise. Even like this, he wouldn't admit defeat.

"Yes. Exactly like me."