Part Two

Better In Time

Chapter XI

I heard the words come out,
I felt that I would die,
it hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me,
you're not shouting anymore,
you're silently broken

(Forgive me, Evanescence)

You smile as you hear Emily humming in the bathroom, what a nice way to wake up, and you open your eyes, suppressing a yawn. You glance at the door that she left half open and you slowly get up to reach her. You smile widens as you get closer and recognize what song she is softly singing, the very first song you dedicated to her, you step in and you envelope her in a soft embrace. You press a kiss to her shoulder and join her, then you begin to slowly move on your spots, your hands accompanying her hips. When the song ends, she gently turns to face you and you smile at each other before she closes the distance between you.

"Did I wake you?"

"The bed was cold without you."

You shrug and she smiles again, kissing you once more. She asks you to join her in the shower and it takes you all you've got to say no. There's nothing you would want more, but you know that once you step in together there would be no showering done for a few hours and, unfortunately, you don't have that much time, your friends will be there in a little more than an hour.

"I'll make breakfast."

She smiles knowingly, aware to where your mind has drifted to, and nods, apparently agreeing with you. You softly peck her on the lips and turn to leave, before you change your mind. You don't want to be late for your own wedding. You make your way to the kitchen, grabbing your phone as you go, and start making Emily's favorite breakfast with a wide smile on your face. You chuckle as you scroll down the texts in the chat group you and your friends made, quickly texting back to make sure you aren't not going to burn anything – that happened often the first months you and Emily had been living together and every time you would claim it was her fault, but she would simply say that it wasn't her fault if you were so easily distracted. Needless to say, you managed to build some kind of resistance against her advances, not that you wanted to, but because you had to - you wouldn't ever eaten anything if it was for her for the past year and a half.

You feel two arms circling your waist and you smile. She presses her lips to your shoulder and you fight a shiver, tilting your head to make more room for her when she slowly pulls down the sleeve of your t-shirt. As soon as her lips starts trailing up your neck, you bite your lip and regret your decision. You whisper her name as a warning to stop and she hums in acknowledgement, but she doesn't stop and you feel her lips turning into a smile. You smile and shake your head when she suggests to let the it burn – in the past, sometimes you gave in and the results were disastrous – and she sighs, slowly pulling apart, you turn and kiss her briefly, then you smile at each other. You kiss her again when she grabs two mugs and starts filling them with the coffee you just made and you handle the rest, then you sit together and make small talk as you eat. You've never been a morning person and, luckily, Emily isn't that much of it either.

After breakfast, you move to the living room where you both lay on the couch facing each other in silence. Sometimes you just do that. You simply stay quiet and stare into each other's eyes and souls, without the need of asking about the other is feeling. You don't need to ask her to know she's both nervous and excited, you can read it in her eyes. You can only say to really know Emily if you can read the meaning hidden in her deep brown eyes, and you know you can. She told you that, she told you that she never met someone able to understand her as you do. The most special thing between us, she said once, is our ability to always understand the other. You always agreed and felt joy because of it, you never shared that connection with anyone either, but now you just wish it wasn't true. Because if it wasn't true, your heart wouldn't be breaking right now. Because if you weren't able to read her as you are, you wouldn't recognize the doubt in her eyes. You wish you were the kind of person able to simply close their eyes, pretend nothing is happening and just keep their mouth shut, you really wish you were. But you are not.

"Sam, what happened?"

"Yeah, there was some serious tension in that room."

"Girls. Not helping."

You give Bianca a grateful look and keep on pacing back and forth, avoiding the questioning stares from your other best friends. You don't want to talk about it. You're already replaying all the argument over and over in your head, saying it out loud, explaining it would only make it more real. But Zoey is right, there was tension. You never fought this way, in almost three years of relationship. Sometimes you argue, but not this way. Never this way. The argument could go on for days, but it has never been so serious. You didn't even say a word to each other when you parted ways, there was nothing left to say.

Quinn clenches her jaw and nods, Zoey simply shakes her head. You've never been good at opening up, you always need to rationalize and coldly analyze what happened in order to be, at least, willing to talk about it. You know they are worried, but you're still trying to understand. How can she have doubts? Why now? You don't, and never did, have any. For you, it is simple. You love her and you want to be with her forever. Of course, you will face problems and you'll struggle, that's just how life is, but you're confident in what you and her share, you're confident you will be able to overcome every obstacle. You talked about this, months ago, and you shared the same line of thoughts. What happened?

"Can you go and buy some ice cream, please?"

You ask them quietly, looking at Bianca as to say you want her to stay, and Zoey immediately stands up while Quinn's stare just hardens, but she nods anyway. You know she must have understood something, she's more perceptive than Zoey is, but she stays quiet and that's not a good sign. A broody Quinn means troubles. You wait for them to leave the room and then you sigh exhausted, collapsing into the nearest chair. Bianca looks at you worried, but she says nothing. She knows that you'll speak soon, otherwise you wouldn't have asked her to stay. You and Bianca understand each other on a different level, you don't always need to rationalize everything before opening up. You help each other when things are just too much, when you just can't do it alone. She's been there, right from the start. She has been there when you and Emily met again after two years, she has seen you falling in love with her, she has put your doubts to silence when you weren't sure whether to take that risk or not, she has offered advices and her shoulder to cry on when you were afraid of losing Emily to her past and because of your fights, she has been the one who gave you the courage to ask her to move in together when you were scared it was too soon, she has been the first one you called when Emily proposed and you simply had the need to gush over how romantic you thought the proposal was. She has always been there, she's witnessed first hand the beginning of your relationship and how it developed. She knows you and Emily better than anyone. That's why she's your Maid of Honor.

"We fought", you whisper and your voice shakes, "She has doubts."

"You don't?"

You shake your head, "When it comes to her, I don't have any."

She nods and you start explaining to her what happened. You tell her that once you saw the doubt in her eyes your heart broke, but you just couldn't ignore it. You can't marry her if she's not sure, you both deserve better. You tell her how you asked her what happened to make her doubt as calmly as you could, keeping your voice neutral as you did that not to let it show what you were actually feeling – surprise, heartbreak, betrayal – and how Emily didn't say anything for a long time before finally letting it out, how her words hurt you and how you weren't able to hide it. You tell her about the hopeless look in Emily's eyes when you took off the engagement ring and handed it to her, putting it on the table when she didn't take it.

"Having doubts doesn't mean no, Sam. I know most people think it does, but it doesn't. You said yourself that you giving her the right back broke her."

"It's just… I don't know. I lost it. I mean, I can even understand her and her reasons, but she didn't tell me. I had to understand it."

"You don't tell each other things, you allow the other to read them in your eyes. It's always been like this since the moment you learned how to do it, don't let hurt cloud your judgment."

You nod, biting your lip. She's right. This is how you and Emily work. You're both very good at hiding your feelings, at burying them in a place that you wouldn't find if you didn't know where to look. It's your defense mechanism. One you've never needed around each other. You've never closed your souls off, you've never hidden anything, you've always been honest, you've always known the other would understand. You've always chosen to let the other see and read what you were feeling. Emily chose to let you know she was having doubts, she wanted you to know. And you know that. In that moment, it was simply easier to let the fault fall into the fact she didn't tell you with words rather than think about the real reason.

"Just because you understand it doesn't mean that you can't be hurt, too. You can. It would be okay if you were."

You nod again, that's what Emily often says, too. You shift your gaze to your wedding dress laying beside you and you graze it slowly with your fingers, stroking the fabric slowly, as you let your mind wander. You always tend to hide your pain behind your understanding, as much as Emily wishes you wouldn't. This is what most of your arguments are about, she wants you to show you're hurt exactly when it happens and not after, because she understands. You can understand but be hurt, too. There's nothing wrong with that. You need to talk with Emily, now. You take a deep breath and grab your phone. Bianca nods encouragingly and smiles, you do the same. Emily picks up immediately.

"I already texted Quinn and Zoey, we're going to prepare into her room, I'm sure Spencer and the others won't have a problem with it. Once we're done we'll return and help you, this will give you plenty time to talk."

You nod and thank her quietly, not saying anything more. You take deep breaths as Bianca lets Emily in, she's just as nervous as you are. You smile when Bianca lays her hand on her shoulder and gives a light squeeze and Emily just smiles thankful for the encouragement. She leaves the room and you and Emily just stare at each other. You notice the box of ice cream in her hands and you furrow your eyebrows, she simply tells you that Quinn and Zoey gave it to her as she puts it on the table. She gives you a hesitant look, as if she's not sure about what to do. You take the first step and she quickly does the same, wrapping her arms around your neck. You hear her sighing in your hair and relaxing when you hug her back and you slowly inhale her scent, you've always loved it. It always calm you. She smells like peace.

"I'm sorry", you whisper as you pull apart, "I lost my mind and I shouldn't have. It's just that I…"

"You were hurt", you nod and look down, but she gently lifts your chin and shakes her head, "It's okay. You can't always control everything, Sam. And that's good, otherwise I always would be the only one who messes it up. I want to share that title with you, among everything else."

You shove her playfully as you chuckle, Emily and her lame jokes. You always pretend not to like them, but you not so secretly love them and she is aware of that. No matter what is happening at the moment, they always make you smile. And that's why she says them. You kiss her on the cheek and you take your hand, leading her to the couch. She sits and tilts her head and you understand what she wants, so you sit on her lap and lay your head on her chest. She smiles as she says you shouldn't waste the ice cream, so you cautiously lean to take it. You frown when you see there's just one spoon, but then you remember that it was meant to only you – neither of your best friends loves ice cream as you do. You'll just share as you've done so many times before. You take the first spoon and bring it towards her lips, she simply smiles before opening her mouth and you just watch her as she licks her lips humming with a small smile on your face.

"I'm sorry, too."

"It's just I can't understand what changed. In all these months I've never seen any doubt and seeing it this morning just hurt me."

"You've never seen any doubt because I didn't have any. I don't hide from you, you know that, I don't need to."

You nod because you know that, but you're relieved to hear those words anyway. There was this small doubt that was creeping slowly inside of you and you are glad it has been erased. You were afraid that you had been blind, that you hadn't been able to read her as you've always have been and if that was going to be the case, then it must have meant that there was something wrong in your relationship. That Emily was hurting and you didn't notice. That Emily was hiding and you weren't able to understand it.

"We always agreed when we talked about our future, we always knew it wasn't going to be easy because nothing ever is, but that as long as we loved each other and stuck together we would make it. And I still do, but I guess there's a part of me that can't help but be scared."

She starts biting her lips and looks down, as she always does when she's nervous, and you can't help but worry. It doesn't happen often to see her so serious and composed, so nervous and scared. You bring your fingers to her lips to stop her, to calm her and she looks up, her eyes widening, stopping immediately. You move your hand to her cheek, stroking it gently, and you close your eyes and lean in. You peck her lips repeatedly, trying to be as gentle as possible, until she finally kisses you back. You pull apart shortly after, just barely, your foreheads still touching and your lips grazing, her slightly ragged breath on them. You wait for her to open her eyes, still caressing her cheek, and stare deep into them when she eventually does. She takes a deep breath and nods, ready to continue.

"We see things differently, not that's a bad thing, but we do. We both have been through rough stuff and they changed us, but you still manage to look at the future with an optimistic eye, something that I can't really do. Not fully, at least."

You nod as you bite your lip, knowing what she's referring to. She is now able to speak clearly and coherently, not stumbling over her confusing words, and that helps you understand what happened. This is about Paige. Seeing her again must have brought back some memories. She hardened Emily, even more than she already was. For a long time, she felt lost and empty and she tried to fill that emptiness by throwing herself into relationships that could never work because she wouldn't allow herself to do the only thing Paige asked her to. She let Paige be her chain, she let what happened between them, the way it ended, change her and the way she sees life. She told you that losing Maya simply broke something inside of her and that she didn't think it could ever be fixed, that it changed her, that she nothing would ever feel real after her, but that she slowly began to heal and that Paige had been the final step in that process. Paige made her hope and then shattered that same hope by leaving, just as everyone she ever loved before her always did. Seeing Paige again scared her, it made her think that you were going to do the same. You intertwine your hands together and you squeeze hers tightly.

"Yesterday I didn't allow myself to really think over what seeing Paige made me feel, but this morning… I don't know, it was all I could think about", she look at you afraid you might take it the wrong way, but you simply shake your head and she sighs relieved, "She doesn't seem happy, Sam. I wouldn't say necessarily unhappy, but not happy either. And that makes me sad."

"Because you have the impression she couldn't do what she asked you to?"

"I think she hasn't even asked herself that. I don't know. I've never been able to understand her completely, I don't think that's something she managed to do either", she shakes her head, breathing in deeply, "But seeing her again brought it all back. I remember that feeling and it was terrible. I didn't recognize myself and the choices I made and, more often than not, I felt like I didn't have any. I'm not like that anymore, but she still is. It's all she sees, all she ever saw, in herself. And seeing her like that made me go back to those times. After Maya, after her."

You stroke the palm of her hand with your thumb in what's supposed to be a soothing way, but she still shakes. You kiss her cheek and you let your lips linger there for a long moment, but she simply leans into the contact. You have to bring her back, you can't allow her to lose herself into her memories. You move your lips to her ear and you start humming that song. You need to reassure her. You're not going anywhere, you will never ever leave her. She needs to know that. You continue to stroke her hand and to softly sing and she slowly stops shaking, her grip around your hand tightening, her voice, barely more than a whisper, joining yours. You quietly sing until she meets your gaze and she briefly smiles, thanking you. You nod to encourage her to continue when she feels ready and she smiles again, kissing your cheek softly.

"It had been hard without them, it had been a nightmare I just wished I could wake up from and couldn't, but I did. It was hard and painful to let them go, but I did. And this morning, I don't know. I just panicked. All I could think is that you had been a dream all along and if that was the case, if it were – if you were, you, if you were a dream, then you were a dream I didn't want to wake up from. And, and I got scared, because dreams don't last forever and I had to inevitably wake up someday. But…"

She plays with your fingers, she laces them together, she strokes them, she lets them fall and then she does it all over again. Again and again. You let her do it as much as she needs and you simply wait. After awhile, she intertwines them definitely and looks up at you with a wide smile on her lips. Her smile is so beautiful and it blinds you, you can't do nothing but smile back. You love when she smiles, it seems that her lips are the place where the sun spreads all its light. Emily is the sun. And you love her.

"But you're real, Sam, you're so real. And you've been real all along. I'm sorry I got lost for awhile, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but you're so real and I love you so much. Believe me when…"

"Just shut up and kiss me, will you?"

She just smiles and she doesn't need to be told twice, her lips are on yours immediately. You put your hand behind her neck not to lose balance and you pull her closer, her hands firmly around your hips to keep you steady. With your free hand you take the ice cream and put it on the table nearby, then you move it to her cheek, craving for even more closeness. She gently pushes you into the couch and you lay down, taking her with you. You stare at each other for a moment and smile, before kissing again. Her hands are shaking and tentative, she touches as you're made of glass and she's afraid to break you, she's never been so soft and gentle, so emotional. You are real, you remind her, and you'll always be real. She pulls away slowly and she nods, repeating your words. You furrow your eyebrows when she sits and reaches for her necklace, but then you smile. Your ring. You sit up, too, waiting for her to say, to do something. She takes your left hand and looks up at you, as to ask you Can I?, and you simply nod. She places the ring gently on your finger and then she brings her lips to it, kissing it with a soft force. You're real.

"Now it is exactly where it belongs."

You smile as you stroke it, she's right. These past few hours without it have been strange, it was like a part of you was missing. But now, now it's where it belongs. You look at her and smile shyly as you nod, and she laughs, because you know that seeing you like that is not something that happens often – you're not the shy type. This time you don't even ask, you just kiss her. She's still soft and gentle, and emotional, as she's never been before, her hands are still shaking, somewhat differently, but her touches are not tentative anymore. You are real. She's real. This is real.

Author's note: this may be the last chapter for awhile, I'm going through a major writer's block, but I'm trying to push it through. This chapter was already ready, so here it is. In the meanwhile, have a nice time.

Meek.