Will Paily be endgame? No and I've actually said that two times already: the author's note in chapter 10, and the reply to a guest in chapter 14, so if you want to read them they are there (chapters 11 and 15 if you count the prologue). I'm going to say it directly this time to avoid any confusion. The endgames are Emily/Samara and Ashley/Paige, even if the latter is still a work in progress. Originally Paily was going to be the endgame, happy ending and all, but things have gradually changed. The reason why they won't be endgame is simple: they wouldn't work. Maybe in another life they would, but not in this one. They will always be special to each other, they will always love each other in their own way, but life has taken them to different places and they've grown into different people, they just don't fit anymore. They're that kind of love that comes when you need it the most, that touches you and changes you in ways you've never thought it would be possible and it doesn't necessarily disappear, and even if it does it doesn't mean that it wasn't love or that it wasn't important, because it is and it will always be a part of you. That's what they are, what they will always be to each other.
Guest, I don't know how many times I've read what you said just to understand what you meant – and for the record, I don't think I did. I see and understand your point about not getting who is speaking, it is something that's actually done on purpose, I did try to give each character its own way of speaking, but I don't understand about not getting whose thoughts are whose, in Samara's chapters thoughts are Samara's and in Paige's chapters thoughts are Paige's. Neither of them are omniscient narrators, so even when they 'say' what someone else must think it's their own interpretations, they can't actually know what someone is thinking (ex. in the previous chapter Samara thinks she knows what Emily is thinking when they see Alan for the first time, but Emily later tells her she was wrong), so in the end it's always their thoughts.
After this I swear that I'm done, read the author's note at the end (I promise it's short!). Also, I'm not really sure about this but better be safe than sorry, I'm going to put a WARNING for the chapter: mentions of abort, it's nothing detailed, but it offers some background for all the three of the characters involved. If you want to skip that part is after the flashback, when Quinn speaks for the third and fourth time, paragraph in the middle included.
Part Two
Better in Time
Chapter XVI
I'm gonna smile because I deserve to
(Better in Time, Leona Lewis)
The door closes behind you and she doesn't waste any time as she pushes you against it, immediately capturing your lips into a kiss. She doesn't ask what you want, she doesn't need to, she already knows and gives it to you, without hesitation. She's rough, unforgiving and merciless yet sweet, caring and considerate at the same time, and you don't know how she does it. She's an oxymoron, an enigma that you doubt you're ever going to solve. She's uncontrollable and unpredictable, a constant surprise and you should probably afraid of that, you are, but that's what you love about her the most. That's the most exciting and scaring part of her, continuously drawing you to her.
Ashley is warm, warmer than anybody you've ever been with before, warmer than Emily ever was and Emily was so, so warm. That was the very first thing you've noticed about her: she shined and her light was so bright and warm, so similar to Valerie's yet so different. You already knew back then that it was never going to be enough, that Emily was always going to be a craving that would have never been satiated. But Ashley, Ashley is something entirely different. She is heart-wrecking fullness, the kind that always feeds your appetite, the kind that always leaves you satisfied. She is something you can't control and, as her hands slip under your dress and quickly go up to your back, pulling you up and securing your legs around her waist before moving to the couch, you realize that you don't want to. So you stop fighting and give up control all together, giving her all that you are to take.
And she takes you, she takes everything and leaves nothing. It's just the two of you, you and her. There's no one else, there's nothing else. No Emily, no Jane, no AJ, no obligations to neither of them, no responsibilities, no confusion, hurt and pain. And then it hits you, you realize that you've already given that part of you, the one you've been refusing to give it to anyone since it couldn't have belonged to Emily, to Ashley a couple of years ago. You gave her your heart, without really meaning to, and she took it, she protected and took care of it, without expecting anything in return. It is in this moment of realization, in this moment of absolute clarity that you are about to say those three words when she brings your lips together, softly murmuring that she knows, and you smile because you don't need to say it, she already knows – deep down you are aware you should say it, that you're going to regret not saying it, but you're too inebriated by her perfume, too lost in her warm eyes and gentle touch, too breathless because of the feeling of coming completely undone under her fingers to actually realize and say it.
You take a few moments to catch your breath as she stares at you with a smile on her lips, leaning her head on her hand, carefully making sure her elbow isn't pulling your hair hurting you in any way. You smile widely at her as you tuck some hair strands that cover part of her face behind her ear, she's so simply stare at each other, neither of you saying anything, as her fingers slowly graze your stomach, making you giggle a little at the ticklish feeling. She smiles again before interrupting the silence and you could swear that you've never seen her smile this way before. She is happy and you are, too.
"I love you, too."
You knew that already, she never said it before now but she never hid it either, so of course you knew, but hearing her say it is totally different, it got more real and it simply means so much more. And you're at loss of words, you don't know how to put into words the feeling that is exploding in your chest, so you smile and lean in, hoping that your hands and your lips will be able to express what you can't, hoping that she'll understand what you aren't able to say.
And she does. You read that into her eyes when she collapses over you, breathless and satisfied as you were just a few minutes before, and starts drawing circles near the crook of your neck and softly kiss the palm of the hand you lay on her cheek, stroking it slowly. In that moment your eyes meet and you know that she understood, and you smile and bring your lips together into a short and soft kiss, and you wish for this moment to never end.
It ends, obviously. They are just loud giggles in the hallway, probably a couple who had one too many and is simply looking for a place to be alone, but they are enough to break the moment. Ashley shifts in your arms, but she stays there and for one second, just one, just one more, you let her. You softly whisper her name, but she already understood what you're going to say and she stops you by laying two fingers on your lips.
"You don't need to say it, I know. It was nice to stop pretending for a bit."
You nod and she smiles sadly, it was. It was beautiful, but it had to come to a end. You had to return to reality, where you both have children to look after, to care for, whom you both have obligations to. This fantasy, or whatever it was, you've lived in was doomed to end, reality had to kick in eventually. She untangles herself from you slowly, taking her time, and again you let her. You'd prefer it to be quick, so it'd end sooner and the hurt would last less, but you're going to let her have it her way. You don't want to hurt her more than you already have. She announces she is going to call Sarah, one of her sisters, to check up on Jane and you slowly nod again, silently watching her as she adjusts her dress and her hair, quickly checking herself into the mirror to be sure nothing is out of place and nodding to herself when nothing is. And then she turns to you and gives you a little smile before making her way to the door. You're quick in sitting up and grabbing her hand before she's too far away, but you have no idea why you did that for. She looks at you slightly confused, but your eyes are trained on the door. Once she's out of that door, whatever moment you've just had will end and you'll start pretending again. There's something you need to tell her first, something that she needs to hear.
"This wasn't a mistake, nor it was the last time. I don't regret anything that happened between us."
This is not what you wanted to say, the right moment to say those three words has passed and they just won't come out. It's true, though. You don't regret anything, neither of these two times have been a mistake. It's what you both wanted, both times, and you can't regret something that you wanted with every fiber of your being. This is another thing that she needed to know, even though it wasn't the one you wanted to tell her.
"Me too."
But she understood what you wanted to say, she always does, and that's why she answered this way. She loves you, too. And she wanted you to know that she understood what you really meant. She gives you one last sad smile and squeezes your hand, and you lay on the couch again, sighing deeply as tears starts to build up in your eyes. As you hear the door opening and then closing behind her, you can't help but think that you were wrong: the words that you don't say, that you didn't say matter even if she knows and you regret not saying them. As you hear the door opening and closing behind her, you can't help but let the tears fall and think that Ashley is going to be your biggest regret.
You don't try to find her again, you don't exactly know where you stand now, you feel like something has irrevocably changed, like you've reached a point of no return, where you can't pretend anymore. You're not sure about what to do. You know what you want, but you also know that you can't have it, not now. Maybe in a distant future that could happen, but you can't think that far away, you have to focus on the present, on what's coming next and you absolutely have no idea about what that could be and the only thought is already frightening. Ashley has always been a safe harbor, a source of certainties, it's kind of ironic how she has now become the cause of your confusion.
After a quick stop at the bathroom you make your way to the bar and you notice Hanna waving her hand to catch your attention and you simply smile and wave back. She gestures you to join her and you quickly scan the people she's with, only nodding and approaching the group when you see that Spencer isn't there, you couldn't handle her hard and cold stares. Hanna introduces you to the group and you smile at each of them as you shake their hands, dropping the façade immediately after – you've never been good at feigning interest, it's useless even to try.
"I think you owe me a dance."
You nod and you offer her your hand, smiling. She takes it and leads you to the dance floor, you're glad when she chooses a secluded corner. She tells you she only has one rule, 'don't step on my toes', and you laugh, nodding, as she wraps her arm around your neck, telling you you're too tall. You think you can manage that, you are pretty good at following instructions and, after all, Ashley and Robert still have both their feet.
They're the only two people you've ever danced like this with, before this moment. Dancing with Robert had been awkward, it was senior prom and neither of you wanted to be there, but both your mothers were excited and you had never seen your mother that way, she actually hugged you and that was probably the first time she ever showed some form of affection towards you, so you took it gladly. You danced maybe two songs before you looked at each other and burst out laughing and you spent all the night in the back of his truck, simply stargazing and talking – you liked doing that, it was one of the few things you did together even before you had started dating. It had been somehow awkward even with Ashley to a lesser extent, it was a little more than three years ago at her wedding and she had to bribe you to make you dance with her. It had been nice, really nice dancing together, but all those people staring at the two of you made you feel so uncomfortable until she told you to only focus on her and you forgot about all the rest.
"So where did you go off to? I tried to look for you, but I couldn't find you", you lightly dip your head blushing a little and you just wait for her to understand, "Who's the lucky one? Someone I know?"
You refuse to answer, looking away. Your eyes wander around the whole room, never settling on someone for too long, until you find Ashley. She's sitting at one of the tables, laughing with some of your old teammates, and you can't look away. It's rare to see her like this, she's always so composed and serious, she was brought up that way and the deaths of her father and her husband's just reinforced that part of her and even though she didn't let those things harden her, even though she didn't close off because of them, it's still rare. Maybe that's one of the reason her smile and her laugh are so beautiful, one of the reason you feel so blessed when she smiles and laughs because of you, because really, there are only a few things that you've ever seen as beautiful as a smiling and laughing Ashley.
"Oh. Oh. I see."
You turn to Hanna and the smile on her lips fades when she sees the look on your eyes, and she only sighs, shaking her head. You look at her, asking her with your eyes not to go again on one of her rants that will only leave the both of you frustrated as they always do, but she doesn't see that plea, or probably she doesn't care, so you simply sigh defeated when she opens her mouth to talk. You wish that she would listen to you sometimes, but you know that whatever Hanna wants, Hanna gets and you've learned to accept that. She too is mostly wind.
"That part of you doesn't belong to Emily, I know you feel like it does, like you owe her something, but that's not true. That part of you belongs to you and on…"
"Stop. I think I understood that now, kind of. It's not that", she tilts her head, as to ask you what is then, and you take a deep breath before answering to her silent question, "I – we can't. She has Jane, I have AJ, they're still so young and we can't. They come first."
"I'm not saying they shouldn't, but you can't live only for them, there has to be something more, life should be more than that", she lays a hand on your cheek and stares at you in the eyes, hers almost seem pleading, "Ashley wants more than that, you want more."
She's right, you know that she's right, but it doesn't change anything, you can't, "Their happiness comes before our own, before everything."
"One doesn't exclude the other, Paige. You could be happy, all the four of you."
Images of a happy family, a happy life, a happy ending with Ashley appear in your mind. Those are images you've never even dreamed of before and you dare to indulge into them, just for a while. And you see it, you can actually see it, and it's all so beautiful. You can almost feel it, that happiness, and you almost smile. Almost. And everybody knows that almost is never enough. Oh, but God, you want that so much.
"You know, I think it's sad how much you want things to change, but when you get the chance to change them yourself you don't take it."
You don't have an answer for that, so you simply dance in silence until the song ends and Hanna takes a step back and shakes her head, telling you to just forget it before she walks away, leaving you on the dance floor. And you stay there, looking for Ashley again. She's not sitting with your teammates anymore, she's walking towards the bar with the same man she was dancing with before, Toby. You glare at him, he's way too close, and then you approach them. You don't want Ashley to be your biggest regret, you won't let her be it. You'll figure something out together, you'll make it work somehow. She won't be your biggest regret.
She includes you in their conversation easily and looks at you with a small smile on her lips. He is actually a nice guy, but you can't be bothered to play nice. It takes him five long minutes to understand what is your problem, but he eventually does and usually you would have smiled at the surprised look on his face, but not this time. He excuses himself and quickly leaves, not before shaking your hand and briefly hugging Ashley. You sigh as you watch him go, you weren't rude to him but neither exactly nice – he didn't seem to mind though, he smiled at you before leaving. Ashley hands you her drink and you look doubtful at her, over the years you've come to be careful about her tastes, but she just smiles encouragingly and you take it, unable to say no to her. It is a bad decision, as always. But your disgusted face makes her laugh, so it's completely worth it. You would do anything just to make her laugh.
"We're just friends."
She says that as she takes her drink back, her fingers stroking purposefully your hand in the process, and you nod, feeling a little embarrassed about your reaction, but she simply smiles, as to say it's okay, and you smile back. You're about to ask her what you came to her for when someone sits beside you and starts staring at you. You cautiously turn to give this person your full attention, feeling even more confused when Ashley freezes and covers your hand with hers, squeezing it hard. Does she know who she is?
"You're Emily's ex, right?"
"Name is Paige", you mutter, bothered by being labeled this way, you are more than that.
"Whatever. You fucked up with her, did leaving help you?"
"I don't think you should be here, Quinn."
So this is the infamous Quinn, one of Samara's bridesmaids, Ashley has told you all the kind of stories about her and they were funny stories, for the most part. You try to make sense of Ashley's words, but you quickly shake your head, you don't have time to think about that. So you just nod at her, telling her it's okay. Sure, Quinn didn't present herself in the best way, but she doesn't seem to have bad intentions. You don't know what her goal is, but you decide to be honest. You have to start somewhere, after all, and this seems a good start. You're tired of lying to everyone and, mostly, to yourself.
"Yes, and it helped me a lot. It hadn't been easy anyway, but it was easier than staying."
"So you admit it, it was a selfish choice. You didn't do it for Emily, but for yourself."
"It's more complicated than that", you sigh, "At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, only with time I realized it wasn't."
She snorts and you feel like you're talking with Robert again, neither of them believing any words that comes out of your mouth. You can understand Robert, you lied to him for years and he doesn't trust you anymore, he only stood by your side because of your son, as you got to know this morning. But she doesn't know you, she doesn't know anything, she has no right to judge you. No one.
"Look, I'm not trying to be rude, but you don't know anything."
"Oh, but I do. I'm barely around, but I did my homework, I always do. Especially when my best friend is somehow involved."
You don't see how Samara was in any way involved, she wasn't in the picture when it ended between you and Emily, but then you realize what she means. She didn't trust Emily, maybe she still doesn't, with Samara because of how things went down between the two of them the first time, because of you. But that's not what you focus on, your attention is completely on her lips, the way they are curved in a knowing smirk irks you to no end.
You drink more than you're supposed to, but you don't care. It turned out that the girl you didn't recognize was actually someone new. Emily's new girlfriend, to be exact. It hurt to know who she is to her and for how long they've been dating, you didn't expect her to move on so quickly. Only one year has passed, more or less, and it basically took her what was left of the summer to get over you. Ashley actually told you in which month they got together when you asked and you stopped counting in your head after you reached the sixth month. She's been dating this girl for months now, when you didn't even think of a woman who wasn't her. You can't stand seeing that girl and Emily together, holding hands, laughing, kissing. Drinking is all you can do, maybe if you drink enough your vision will blur and you won't be able to see them anymore. They seem to be everywhere you look, giving you no peace, no rest.
"That could have been you."
You don't answer, you know that, you just stare at Emily as she smiles shyly when the girl reaches for a braid of her hair and pulls it out her face, stroking her cheek while doing so. Was her name Alissa? Or was it Alicia? Alisha? You've never been good with names. You don't remember hers, you don't care. She's not good enough for Emily, no one will ever be.
"It must hurt, seeing her happy with someone else."
"Fuck off, Murphy."
You know you should ignore her, that she is only trying to get a rise out of you, you know that and you don't want to give her that satisfaction, but you can't stand her knowing look and her stupid smirk. She knows she's hitting all your weak points and she doesn't seem near to be finished. If she isn't going to shut up on her own, you will make her, you don't care how.
"I wonder how it feels like throwing away everything you ever wanted just like that, in the matter of a second."
"Pray you'll never have to find out."
You clench your jaw as you finally glare at her, does she think it has been easy for you? No, she doesn't. She exactly knows how hard it has been, she wouldn't taunt you this way if she didn't know, she simply doesn't care. And she really doesn't know when to stop. You'll wipe that annoying smirk out of her face, she's not the only one who can play dirty. You've had enough.
"You sure you want to do this? Then why don't bring up the fact that your woman went running back to her wife? I bet she was thinking of her when she fucked you."
She shoves you and you laugh, you knew she wouldn't have liked the taste of her same medicine. Arizona has always been her weakness and you weren't even remotely surprised when you found out they got back together. But you don't care about that, it was their choice. If they are happy, then good for them – you don't care about that either. You and Leah have never been friends, if at one point you had been you would measure your words, you wouldn't use her weakness. You don't care about who doesn't care about you, not anymore.
"Not that I can blame her, the wife is hot. Does she still call her name, too?"
That's when she loses it and aims for your face, catching you off guard, you don't even see her fist coming. You take the blow and then you fight back. It doesn't take long for someone to step in and separate the two of you and you let them. You recognize Ashley's hand holding you back and you relax, breathing in and out, only then you see who was the other person to intervene. And of course, it's her. And she shifts her gaze between you and Leah, a sad and confused look in her eyes, and then your eyes meet for the first time this night, for the first time in a year. It's just a brief moment and her eyes change and you see it, it would be impossible not to see it; it's just a brief moment, but it's enough to understand that she still feels the same. She still looks at you the same way. As Ashley drags you away, probably to take care of the cut that only now you notice above your eye, you can't help but smile. She still looks at you the same way.
Ashley squeezes your hand, clearly understanding what you're thinking of, and you let her touch calm you down. What happened years ago with Leah was a mistake, one that you've apologized for – you should have never brought Arizona up. Even if Arizona herself accepted your apology, Leah didn't. Perhaps she knows that she was wrong, but actually apologizing would require admitting that and she's never been the type to do it. You sigh, there's no point in thinking about this now, and you simply look at Quinn, inviting her to go on. It's obvious that she can't wait to.
"You got yourself knocked up when you were still dating that guy, you found out months later and probably freaked out, so you left and offered Emily no explanation, because really, what were you supposed to say? That you got pregnant while still seeing the both of them? That you were so ashamed of what happened when you weren't even going to say anything, but you had to because hey, your stomach was going to grow some time soon and you couldn't hide it anymore? That you couldn't raise your kid with her because some people are mean? That you couldn't even be her friend without growing to resent your own kid? That…"
"Enough!"
It's Ashley who stops her and you look at her grateful, Quinn hit every weak point of yours and you couldn't have handled a word more, she stares back at you concerned and she takes your other hand, stroking the both of them slowly, and only then you notice that they are shaking. It's a strange feeling, you can see them shaking but you don't actually feel them. You want to retreat them, but you've seen the look on Ashley's face, the worry in her eyes, she needs to make you relax to calm herself down so you don't, simply letting her.
In the meanwhile, you lose yourself in the memory of that night. You remember it so well, every little detail of that night, it was one of those weekend's nights that Robert insisted you should have passed together, because he didn't have to work that much and you could finally spend some time together, and you didn't have the courage to tell him no. That month you passed every weekend together and it was during the last that it happened. He never was the type to pressure you into things you didn't want to do, he never made you feel bad when you refused to be intimate with him, always understanding and accepting your excuses. And for a while it worked, until you ran out of excuses to give. He was gentle and soft, he whispered in your ear how much he loved you, but it didn't matter how much considerate and lovingly he was, all you could do was thinking of Emily and trying not cry and you didn't manage do that either. You cried in his arms as he sweetly assured you that everything was going to be okay and you cried harder because he actually believed it. He really believed that everything was going to be okay. And you kept on crying because he was wrong, because you were going to break his heart and he didn't deserve that, because Emily was in her dorm waiting for a call or a text message, because you would have never had the courage to tell her what happened, because she didn't deserve this either and you were so sorry, because you couldn't shake off the feeling that the night wouldn't go unpunished, and you kept on crying until you also ran out of tears. You didn't go back to Emily that night as you always did, you couldn't, you simply had Robert take you back to Stanford and you took a shower, trying but failing to wash away the shame, before spending the first of the many sleepless nights that wouldn't let you find no kind of comfort that sleep usually offers. You'll never forget that night.
But how can she know what actually happened? Ashley is the only one you really talked about it with, the only one who really knows everything and she wouldn't ever say anything, you're sure of that. But, most of all, how can she know about what you felt? About your shame? About the exact reason you didn't tell Emily at the time? About your fear of how your child would be judged if you chose to stay and to still be with Emily? Of how you were scared that someday you could have resented him because he was the sole reason friends was all you and Emily could ever be? There's only one way she could know and you're not sure you want to know her answers, but you ask anyway.
"I've listened people talking about you, people that know you and in their own way cared, and still care, for you such as Emily, Hanna and Spencer, people that only relied on what they knew or have been told such as Samara and Leah. All I had to do was connect the dots. I must admit it that it was Hanna who gave me the biggest clue", her tone of voice has changed, it's softer, as if she knows she has gone a step too far and she's trying to be more considerate, "It wasn't on purpose, I simply am a very good observer. Anyway, we were having lunch about a year ago, I think, and we were discussing about Arizona and Leah's attempt at adopting, it got kinda of heavy between political and social issues and Hanna never felt like it was her place to discuss such things so she never did, but that time she did and that surprised me. She said that not everyone wants to have kids and she listed some reasons, but one in particular caught my attention. 'The world is not always a kind place, people could be scared of how society could possibly treat their kids only because of who their parents are' or something along those lines, and I mean, I'm not saying she was wrong, but you know that thing that she does when she says something she isn't supposed to and does everything that she can to deflect?", you simply nod, that happens a lot, "She managed to do that, but the guilt just wouldn't leave her face. And, as I already said, I slowly connected the dots."
You nod again and you wait for her to answer your second question, shifting your gaze to Ashley not to make her feel under any pressure. She's uncomfortable and she has the same fear in her eyes that you do. The fear of what her answer may be, you don't want to hear her answer if it's going to be the one you are thinking of. You don't even know why you're thinking this, it's just an hunch. Ashley told you that only one of Samara's friends is married and has kids, and you don't see any ring in her finger. She confirms your thoughts with her next words, and your heart breaks.
"As for how I know how you must have felt, well… I was in your shoes, once. Kinda. I did all the opposite."
You nod and immediately tell her that she doesn't need to explain, that you already understood, but Quinn only shrugs. You look at Ashley, a hopeless look on your face, but she only shakes her head and you look down. While you've never thought of doing such thing, she had considered doing it when she found out she was pregnant a few days after John's death, she had actually asked you to be there but eventually changed her mind about the whole thing, if she is unable to say something to comfort her, you are not sure about what you can do. Before you can think of anything, Quinn speaks again and you sigh, maybe the only thing you can do is listen. You just hope it's going to be enough.
"I was seventeen, it was just my father and I, we both worked but it wasn't enough, we weren't financially independent and we had to rely on Samara's family for the basic needs, I couldn't afford to complete that pregnancy, so I… didn't. I broke up with the guy I was seeing at the time, the asshole was so fucking relieved, you know? He thanked me for not ruining his life, I broke his nose", she chuckles briefly, a bittersweet smile on her lips appears immediately after, "But her, oh she was amazing through the whole thing, she understood me, she supported me, she loved me. I was about to do the same thing you did, leaving her, but I didn't, I stayed because I couldn't do that to her. Nobody ever knew, not my father, not Samara, no one", she sighs quickly and continues, not giving you nor Ashley the time to say something – you are not even sure either of you could say something, "Then I graduated just like my father wanted and I enlisted in the army as soon as I could, thinking that my guilt for what I did would have subsided, thinking that I could have someway moved on from it, from her. It didn't work."
Quinn makes a pause to catch her breath and that's when Ashley murmurs a name, Zoey. That's when you understand why she came here to talk you, she thought that talking to you would have helped her somehow, but there's nothing you can do. Even if you had made the exact choices, you still wouldn't be able to do something for her. Quinn only looks at Ashley and nods gravely before continuing, her tone of voice changes yet again and this time it turns distant, angrier, colder. But all her frustration isn't directed at no one but herself.
"That's why I asked you if leaving actually helped you, because I wanted to leave too but I didn't, and eleven years later that guilt is as alive as ever, eleven years later we're still stuck on each other, but this has been useless, because you and me?", she gestures between you and her as she shakes her head, "We're nothing alike and I have no damn idea why I came here, thinking that you could have somehow…"
She suddenly freezes and you look at her worried, not understanding what happened to cause that panic in her eyes. You follow her gaze, only for it to land on Samara. You can't actually see her face when she shakes her head and leaves, but it can't be anything good, judging by Quinn's reaction. You look at Ashley again, at loss about what do to, and she sighs as she tries to say something to comfort her, but Quinn only shakes her head and retreats even more.
"You know Samara, she won't forgive me for this. I have, I have to go, talk to her."
You watch her go, distress all over her face, and you keep staring at her as she walks around the room in search of Samara, stopping people on her way to probably ask them if they've seen her, earning a shake of head each time. She doesn't stop, but you can't look at her anymore. The way she moves is frenetic and desperate and it just hurts to watch her. You think of the words she said before leaving and then you turn to Ashley.
"What was she referring to? Why wouldn't Samara forgive her?"
She retreats her hands which were still covering yours, she reaches for her drink and plays with it, hesitating, but she eventually answers after a long sigh, "Emily and Samara, they made her and Spencer promise they would leave you alone, they meant well, they didn't want them to give you any problems. At least, that's what Leah told me."
You nod and you look away, you feel guilty. She wouldn't be in this position if you weren't here. If you weren't here, she wouldn't have talked to you and broke her promise to Samara just to find some kind closure on her and Zoey, closure that she wasn't even able to find. You feel Ashley's hand on your arm, but you don't turn, not even when she whispers your name. You know what she wants to say, that's not your fault, but you don't want to hear it, you wouldn't change your mind. So she does the only thing that she can, she changes the subject of conversation.
"What did you want to tell me? You know, before Quinn interrupted you?"
"Oh, I wanted to", you clear your throat, "I wanted to ask if you, I mean", you smile awkwardly, it's harder that you thought, "Do you want to dance?"
She looks at you surprised, but quickly nods and you offer her your hand. She stares at it for a moment, probably asking herself what's going on, and she takes it, her grip firm but somewhat insecure. You intertwine your fingers together as you approach the dance floor, hoping this is a good enough answer, and she squeezes your hand. The answer was good enough. This time it's not awkward dancing with her, focusing only on her already from the start. You dance quietly, neither of you says a word. It's like one of those perfect moments where you can only be quiet and enjoy each other's company, so that's exactly what you do. One song goes, then another and another one. It's at the start of the fourth that your gaze falls to your watch and you sigh, a quarter to nine.
"I should go in a while."
"Want me to walk you out?"
"There's no need", you shake your head, "Knowing him, Robert is already here. He'll want to hit the road as soon as possible."
She nods and looks away, you just sigh again. You didn't think this through, Hanna's words pushed you to realize that you didn't want to lose Ashley that way, that you didn't want her to be the regret you couldn't ever forgive yourself for, but they didn't provide any instruction, any actual advice. You've never been good at improvising, you've always needed a plan, it has been this way for as long as you remember. You always play conversations in your head, you try to imagine how situations could play out and you pick a route to follow in each of them. This, this was unexpected, unplanned and you don't know what to do.
"Give me some time to figure out how to go from here, then we'll talk, is that okay?"
"The thing we've talked about before?"
"Yeah, I have to show him that I'm going to do better, but it's not only that. My head is a mess right now, you know? And I have to, I don't know, sort things out, I guess?", she still doesn't look at you when she nods and you lift her chin slowly and gently, you need her to believe you and for her to do that she needs to look at you in the eyes, "But we'll talk, okay? I promise, you know that I always keep my word."
She nods and you lean in, but then you stop to consider what you're doing, if you're really sure about it, and Ashley looks at you surprised again, with the same question in her eyes, and you just smile because maybe you're not so sure it's the right thing to do now, but you've already been proven than not everything going you deemed as right necessarily was and you want that, you want to kiss her, so you do it. This is not like one of the kisses you've shared before, it's slow, soft and sweet and it's all the kinds of perfect. You pull away at the same time, just barely, your foreheads touching, and you smile at each other. You gently stroke her cheek as you whisper again that you're going to keep your word and she closes her eyes, leaning closer to your hand, a blissful smile on her lips as she nods and closes the distance again, it's just a soft peck before she pulls away.
"If you don't go now, I may not let you go", she laughs as she says that and you smile, "Emily must be here somewhere, don't leave without saying goodbye. And text me when you get home."
You nod, but you still don't let go. She smiles again and takes a step back as she murmurs you to go and you nod again, reaching for her hand. You stroke it gently as you bring it to your lips, leaving a soft kiss on her knuckles, your eyes never leaving hers, and you smile at each other before parting ways. It's a strange feeling, you should be used to separating from her by now, you live four hours away from her and her visits are never long enough, saying goodbye is always hard, but this time is different, you find yourself already missing her. You don't focus on that, but on the happiness that you feel – this is strange, too. The last time you felt this way was immediately after AJ was born, when your uncle laid him gently between your arms and you saw how beautiful he was. He was so tiny and beautiful, and you couldn't actually believe that something so good could come out of you. Then he looked at you and you felt like everything had changed. In that moment your heart broke and filled with happiness at the same time, you knew that you couldn't ever go back to Emily, but his eyes were so bright and you felt so full of happiness, so complete and you knew there was no way you would ever give him up.
You look for Emily and Samara, scanning the entire room a few times with no result, until your eyes stops on Quinn. She's talking animatedly with another woman and it seems an heated discussion so you don't approach her to ask her if she managed to find and talk to Samara. You give another quick look around the room, but you give up and make your way towards the exit, that's where you meet them. You're surprised to see them coming in, they must have needed a moment alone, and you smile genuinely at the two of them. It becomes awkward a few seconds later, when neither of them says anything, and you smile, this time tentatively, as you rub the back of your head as you greet them, your voice unsure.
"I've been looking for you. I was about to go, but I wanted to say goodbye first."
"I'll leave you to it. Meet me in your room?"
You quietly thank her and she smiles at you, then you look away trying to give them some kind of privacy – not that they need it, Samara just squeezes her hand before leaving. You and Emily just stand there for a few moments, staring at each other awkwardly, and you sigh in relief when she speaks first. You don't know why, but being alone with her has always made you nervous, it has always been hard for you to start a conversation with her, even when you were dating. If she started them you could have talked for hours, but initiating them yourself has always been a problem, one you've never solved. Hers is a simple question with an obvious answer, but it is enough to get you talking.
"So you're going?"
"Yeah, Robert is coming to pick me up, we are", you try to find the right word to define what you two are and you settle for a lie, she doesn't need to know, "still friends and he's probably already here, maybe you've seen him?"
She doesn't look at you when she shakes her head, "I am glad that you're still friends, though."
You only nod as you study her, something has changed, the way she looks at you is quite different, but you can't pinpoint exactly what it is. It's just there, in her eyes. She doesn't even try to hide it, so maybe it's not that important. Maybe you're just imagining it. You sigh as you lightly shake your head, trying to remove these thoughts from your mind. There are a couple of things you need to tell her, now that you have the chance to. It probably won't happen again.
"I know this is not really my business, but it kinda is at the same time", you bite your lip, you're not so sure about this, "Quinn came to me for advice about some stuff and Ashley told me you asked her and Spencer not to talk to me and – no, no, I understand why you did that, thanks anyway, Spencer has always been a bit scary", you say when she's about to cut you off, probably thinking you're mad about this, and you smile, "Could you tell Samara? They seem really good friends and it would be a shame if that somehow changed because of a simple misunderstanding."
"So it had nothing to do with us, me and you?", you take a moment to consider your answer, but then you shake your head, she may have started with you and Emily, but it actually was about her and Zoey, and Emily looks at you somewhat doubtful, nodding when you don't change your version, "Yes, they're childhood friends", she sighs, "Very well, then. I'll make sure to tell her in a moment she is actually willing to listen to me, she's pretty angry about that right now. Thank you for telling me."
"If I didn't say anything, it was going to eat me alive. About that, there's another thing I need to tell you", she nods worried and waits for you to continue, which you do after taking a deep breath, "You don't need to worry about me anymore, maybe you're right, I don't owe you anything on that account. It's my heart, and it's mine to give. But what I owe you is an apology. I now know that I handled it all wrong, I should have told you, I shouldn't have hurt you that way. It's too late for that now, but I hope it's not too late to tell you how sorry I am. I am so damn sorry, Emily."
You don't exactly know what you're feeling right now, but you feel somehow lighter and you guess that's relief. You've kept these words inside of you for so long that finally accepting them, after refusing them for even longer, and saying them feels like you can finally breathe again. It's difficult and tiring, and the air finally filling your lungs actually hurts you, but Emily heals everything as she always did. It's an hushed and teary whisper that sets you free, that it makes easy and amazing to breathe. Forgiveness tastes like freedom and freedom tastes like happiness.
"I forgive you."
What she does next catches you off guard, you really weren't expecting something like this, but when she wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you into a soft but firm embrace, you hug her back. Your eyes fall on the tattoo on her shoulder and you smile, thinking about that day. You couldn't describe the happiness that you felt even if you actually tried, words would never be enough. The day didn't start exactly in the way it's expected when someone tells you it was one of the happiest day they've ever had, your parents even managed to be more horrible than you thought they would be about your coming out, but the happiness that came by finally breaking away from them, by finally being able to come to terms with Valerie's death, by finally being able to love Emily in the way you wanted, wholly and without any reservation, was inconceivable. Your gaze then shifts to your own tattoo and your smile just grows wider, you always were.
"Don't disappear again, okay?", she whispers in your ear, "My number is still the same, call me sometimes. We could talk, try to be friends and if you ever change your mind about telling me, I'll listen. We could try, right?"
You only nod and tighten your grip around her before releasing her all at once, taking a step back. You don't promise you're going to call her, even after five years you still remember her number, and she doesn't ask you to actually promise. You're not so sure you could actually be friends. But she's right, you could try, after all that's all she asked, to try. There's nothing certain about this, nothing ever is anymore, all you believed in has slowly crumbled down, but you can try. You refuse to be stuck, to keep feeling this way. You're going to try everything that comes your way and you'll figure it out.
"Take care, Em."
"Yeah, you too."
You smile one last time at each other and with that you're out of there, this time with no regret and a hopeful smile on your lips. It's the first time in five years that you can actually see yourself having some kind of future, some kind of direction. The path is blurry and undefined and you have no idea where it is going to take you, but everything is better than being stuck, you'll just move forward, you're not going to stop. Not again.
You're caught by surprise when you feel something, someone, collides against your leg, but you look down and smile at the sight of AJ all wrapped around it. That's something he does often, to hide himself when he gets upset about something, to show he's been missing you or Robert when he hasn't seen you neither of you in a while – he sees the both of you every day, you and Robert live in the same neighborhood. You ruffle his hair and you pick up, laughing as he starts talking very fast about his day, skipping no detail, and you start walking towards Robert, that's been staring at the two of you from the distance. He has a sour look on his face and you stare at him questioningly, but he only shakes his head and looks away.
"That's great, I'm very happy you had fun today."
AJ smiles and continues talking, answering enthusiastically when you ask him more detailed questions, it seems that he had quite a day, Robert has taken him to the aquarium and then to the beach. He then asks to go again some other day, this time all the three of you, and you smile as you promise him – maybe you could come and visit Ashley some time this summer and stay for a few days, AJ seems to enjoy playing with Jane and you and Ashley could use the occasion to talk if you will be ready by then. That's when Robert speaks, urging the two of you to get in the car, and you look at him again, not understanding what's going on with him but you listen to him without saying anything. You secure AJ In his seat and you tell him not to remove his security belt, he has done that a few times, causing you and Robert to panic each time and now you remind him every chance you get, and then you kiss his forehead before taking your seat in the front.
Robert takes off immediately and AJ resumes his story, he tells you all about all the animals he has seen and you simply listen to him, smiling whenever he gets excited about explaining what he has just learned – most of the time you pretend not to know what he is talking about so he can explain it to you, he always seems to be happy to do that. He eventually finishes his story about the aquarium and you prepare yourself to hear about the beach, you have no doubt he loved it, but instead he asks you if you could buy some fishes for him, and you and Robert just look at each other for a brief moment before quickly nodding, fishes are the smallest animals he has ever asked for.
He smiles happily and starts talking about the beach, and you just listen to him, nodding from time to time so he knows you're listening to him. You can't shake the feeling of disappointment you feel right now, you and Robert always said you would be both present at every AJ's new experience, but you weren't there today. You've always wanted to take him to the ocean, but you never could, and today he went there and you weren't with him. You sigh as you let it go, at least he saw it and, as he says, it was amazing. You're glad he had a good time, it's all you want for him, it's all that matters.
At some point of the story he stops and you furrow your eyebrows, confused. It's not like him to simply stop talking and leave a story unfinished. You glance at Robert who is looking at him through the rear-view mirror, a warning look in his face, and you don't understand what's going on. When you question him with your eyes, he just whispers it's a secret before encouraging him to finish, an easy smile on his lips, and AJ immediately obliges, the excitement in his voice not as strong as the one he had a few moment ago. You listen to him, but you don't take your eyes off Robert. He seems calm and relaxed, but you've known him for most of your life and you know that he is not, he's only pretending to be in front of your son. It takes AJ half an hour to finish the story and fall asleep, exhaustion taking over, and only after you make sure he's really asleep, by calling his name a few times and not getting any answer, you speak.
"Is something wrong? What was that about?"
You wait for him to answer, but as seconds pass you realize he's not going to and that angers you. If he doesn't want to tell you what's going through his mind that's fine, you don't really talk about personal stuff anymore, but you are supposed to tell each other everything that concerns Alan and what you saw before, your son being confused about what to say, almost afraid to speak, isn't something you're going to let go of so easily. You're going to discuss this in a moment when Alan isn't around, you can almost see the argument turning into a huge fight and you don't want to this with Alan around. He has never seen you fight, you both have been careful about that, and hopefully he'll never have to witness that. And when, in a few days, the argument will inevitably turn into the huge fight you just predicted, you are going to feel betrayed by him, by Emily. You will know that he told her and that she lied about not seeing him and that you weren't wrong, Emily looked at you differently because she knew, that he made AJ promise him he would never tell you about meeting Emily and Samara for 'your own good', and you will understand the both of them, understand what their intentions were, but you're not going to forgive Robert, not for making your son feel that insecure.
"You were right this morning, about me not knowing who I am without that pain", you need to say this now, you need him to know and to understand this now, what he said this morning has been in your mind all day, you're not going to let him take AJ away, "I've let go of it and I'll figure it out, but you have to give me the time to do that."
His eyes widen in surprise and he doesn't say anything, he only nods, but that's not enough for you. You want his word, you want him to promise. And he does, looking at you in the eyes, he promises and you nod relieved. You believe him, you know he will keep his word. You were fifteen the first time he promised you something, to always stand by your side, to never leave you. Twelve years have passed since that first promise and he kept each of them, with no exception.
You sigh and you lay your head against the window, letting your mind wander. It takes you awhile to settle on a single thought, Ashley. As images of her gradually appear on your mind, leaving nothing else, you find yourself smiling softly. You wonder what she's doing right now, if she's thinking about you as you are thinking of her. You check your phone and you see she has texted you, 'I'm happy'. Your smile just grows and grows as you type, 'Me too', then you look outside again, losing yourself into those images. Her smile, the kind that reaches her eyes and makes them shine, is the image you return to more frequently, she has the most beautiful smile. One day soon you'll figure it out and you'll talk, one day soon you're going to say those three words, one day soon you'll be happy. At least, that's what you hope. Suddenly hope doesn't seem such a terrible thing to have, it's good to hope for once.
It's so good.
Author's note: I have some ideas about the third part, it's actually almost planned in every detail, but I kinda lost interest in the story. There would be one last thing Paige needs to definitely break away from, her belief that she can't have a relationship because of Alan, because she still thinks this way, but she's willing to try to understand what she could about it with Ashley. But I'm not sure I am going to continue this story, this part was supposed to end in a much different way for Paige, but she's happy right now and for now that's enough to me. Maybe it's just a phase, I don't know. Maybe I'll return to it in the future, but for now I'll mark it as complete.
See? I said it was going to be short.
Meek.