"… so taking all the variables into account, I can tell you that your killer is between 5'8" and 5'11" and quite possibly ambidextrous," Adam said, running his hand over his face. "DNA says male of Caucasian descent, but it was too degraded for me to be sure of much else."
"So we're pretty much looking at most of the guys in Manhattan," Flack said, making a note in his book.
"Sorry I couldn't be more help. 'Course, you could find me some more evidence."
"Don't be a brat, Adam," Austin said, flicking his head.
"Don't be a bigger brat, Austin."
"You're so juvenile."
"Whoa, big word."
"I'm going to tell your wife how mean you are to me."
"She has to take my side, it's the law."
"You've been in the lab way too long dude."
"Pass that along to Mac, would ya?"
"No problem."
"If you two are done being twelve years old…" Flack muttered, casting them both a long glare.
"Yeah, we're done."
"Then let's go get this description out," he said, heading out of the room.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute."
He just shrugged and Austin turned back to Adam with a sigh.
"What's up?"
"Is Lindsay doing okay?"
He sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"She hasn't been talking to you about it?"
"A little in passing. I don't like to ask."
"She's alright. I think she's mostly annoyed that it got to her so bad. She's back to nightmares for a while. She'd probably talk if you asked her though."
"Has she gone to her doctor?"
"Not yet. I brought it up once and she kind of… let's just say she wasn't that receptive to the idea. She needs some time."
"I worry about her."
"She knows."
"Is there anything I can do for her?"
"Just what you've already been doing. She'll talk eventually."
"I just feel kind of useless."
"You and me both. But I think she's gotta do this on her own."
"She probably needs this weekend, huh?"
"Yeah, it'll be good for her. A little out of the norm."
"I'm not really sure how this other best friend thing is supposed to go," she sighed leaning against the table and crossing her arms. He nodded in understanding, kind of surprised that she was actually concerned. Lindsay's friend Karen was coming to town for a few days, and Lindsay had been excited about it for a while now. Austin and Karen had met at the wedding and gotten along just fine, but now he wondered if there was some kind of middle school "she's my best friend" rivalry going on.
"You wanna know something that Lindsay would never say, but I already know because I'm just that good?"
"What?"
"They may have known each other since they were little and Karen may have way more Lindsay stories than you and I will ever have, even put together. But when it comes down to it, you are her best friend. You're the one she tells stuff to, you're the one she calls when I'm being a pig, you're the one that knows her better. Karen knows the girl that grew up in Montana, but you know the person she is now and that's far more relevant."
"Why would she never say that?"
"Because in a million years you would never ask her."
"Oh."
"I'm not a complete idiot about women."
"No, not completely," she agreed with a smirk.
"Austin, get out of here."
"Later dude."
He shook his head as she left, then turned back to the computer, watching as it scanned through hundreds of fingerprints, looking for a match. It was times like this, when there were several cases to sort through and hundreds of pieces of evidence that he didn't mind being a little hyperactive. As long as he kept things organized, he didn't make mistakes or misplace anything, or do the wrong test on a piece of evidence. It was something he had actually been worried about when he stared work at such a fast paced lab, but he was nothing if not flexible.
Lindsay sniffled a few times and wiped her eyes before sitting up from the bed and raking her fingers through her hair. She was finding that if it got too quiet and she was alone for too long, the feelings hit her so hard she couldn't shake them. She'd press them as far down as she could, not wanting Colton to see her like that. He could always tell when her mood wasn't just right at it would make him upset too. She would hold it back until he went down for a nap, then escape into the bedroom, bury herself in blankets and let it all out. She always felt a little better afterwards, and was hesitant to say she was depressed when she really believed she was just sad. She couldn't fault Adam for asking if she needed to see her doctor, but the assumption that she was struggling so much had thrown her for a loop. She thought she had been keeping it quiet and doing a good job of it too. And as much as she loved his ability to read her, sometimes she wished for a little distance, a little privacy.
Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe she actually did want him to know. Maybe she did want to spill it all as she had before, let him take it from her for just a little while. It scared her to trust him that much, even though it came so easily. It was possible that she had been so guarded for so long, that having someone standing beside her threw off her normal routines of coping. She loved him and she trusted him, but sometimes she had to remind herself that he loved her unconditionally too.
Standing up from the bed, she straightened the blankets and fluffed the pillows, not wanting Adam to have any clues about her afternoon crying jags. She felt like a liar doing it, but someday when it wasn't so fresh she would come clean. For now, it needed to just be her own hurt. She went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face, drying off and checking in the mirror to make sure she didn't look as worn out as she felt. It was going to take a little makeup and a few minutes, but she would be back to normal soon.
"Mama?"
She waited for a second, listening to see if he was really up or if he was just talking in his sleep again. He was quiet and she went back to the sink, finding her makeup and applying a little more, then checking to make sure it had done its job. She looked no worse for the wear, so she turned the light off and went into the kitchen. The cats swarmed her ankles immediately and she realized she had forgotten to feed them earlier.
"I'm sorry guys," she said, crouching down to get some food out of the container and dumping it in their dishes. They scrambled for it as if they were dogs and she grinned as she watched them. They had definitely been living with Adam for too long.
She moved to the counter and was sorting through the mail when the door opened.
"Hi honey," she greeted, trying to put more lightness into her voice than she was feeling.
"Hey babe. I brought you something."
"Oh really?" she asked, turning around. "Hey Aust."
"Hi."
Adam took his coat off and headed into the other room while Lindsay gave Austin a puzzled look.
"What's up?"
"Linds, you know I'm here, right?"
"I know."
"And you can always talk to me, and crap like that."
"I know, Austin."
"Just keep that in mind, alright?"
"Okay."
"You don't have to fake it."
"I'm not faking anything."
"Linds, you're faking it. We both know it. I seem to recall us having a similar discussion once before. About three years ago actually."
"Austin, I'm fine," she said with a sigh, tossing an envelope onto the counter.
"You're lying to me, and that's okay, I get it, I've done the same thing before. But at least don't lie to yourself."
"I'm not! Austin, I'm okay. Everything is fine."
"Look, you don't have to tell me what's going on, that's not what I'm asking you to do. I just don't want to see you spiral down to the places you've been before. I don't want that to happen to you."
"Did you ever think that maybe there really isn't anything wrong?"
"Right, because you're completely emotionless and you never feel anything and you're superwoman and how dare someone tell you that you don't seem okay. Well I'm sorry for calling you out but hiding it like this is not going to help. You know that as well as I do. I don't want to see you hurting like that and I know you don't want to hurt but you're going to have to do something about it," she said, finishing off with a sigh. "I love you Linds. I gotta go."
Lindsay sighed and tipped her head back against the cupboard, wanting to call her back, but not having enough humility to do it. Austin was right. Lindsay wasn't quite sure why she had so adamantly lied about it. It would have been easier to just admit that she wasn't ready to talk about it.
She never really could make decisions based on logic at times like this anyway. It frustrated her more than she would like to think it did and she slammed her fist against the counter, wanting to release some of the tension.
"Babe, you okay?"
"Did you talk to her?"
"What?"
"Did you talk to Austin?"
"Honey, she was worried about you-"
"So you guys just talked about me?"
"Why are you mad? You know we're right."
"Adam, don't even…I know you guys are right and I just don't want to face it yet, okay? Is that so hard to understand? Do I have to be a blubbering mess all the time for you to think I'm okay? Do I have to fall apart to deal with it?"
"Linds-"
"Don't touch me, Adam!" she said, pulling away from his arms. It was probably the most hurtful thing she could have said at that point, or ever and she knew it, but her frustration stood in the way of her filter. He backed away, almost halfway across the room, and she internally cringed at the look on his face. She hated what this did to her and what it did to everyone around her, and she just couldn't watch it any more.
She was a coward in her next move, spinning around and grabbing her coat before heading out the door. She punched the button on the elevator wishing she could smack herself instead for being so stubborn and stupid and just plain asinine. She always hurt everyone around her as much as she was hurting, and that wasn't fair. She felt like such a failure and wondered why anyone would ever put up with this off-putting and immature behavior.
The elevator carried her down to the ground floor and she went outside, not sure where to go or what to do, or really how she had ended up here. She ended up just walking, meandering the streets as the late winter snow fell around her. Her anger subsided in the cold and she sighed, trying to sort out the emotions into a logical order.
Above all else, she was scared. Scared that something so horrible could happen to her twice in a lifetime, scared that it might happen again, scared that she was always going to be fighting to keep her head above the proverbial water.
She felt guilty too, for making people worry, for lying and not trusting, for shutting out the two people who knew her best and loved her most. She really hated herself for that last one. She could fix it, she knew that, but she hated that she was going to have to.
There was a little bit of anger left too, at the whole situation, at her past, at the fact that Adam and Austin had gone behind her back to talk about her. They meant no harm, and she knew that, but it made her feel slightly betrayed and like they didn't think she was capable of taking care of herself.
It was getting darker out and she wasn't quite ready yet, but the cold turned her around and sent her in the direction of home.
It was with her tail tucked between her legs that she opened the door and stepped inside, finding the place quiet. She'd really screwed up this time. She hung her coat on the hook by the door and took a deep breath before she moved down the hallway and peeked into Colton's room. The boys were standing by the window, watching the snow fall and her heart clenched at the sight for more reasons than one. Words escaped her so she leaned against the doorjamb for a while, steadying her breathing. This was the biggest fight she and Adam had ever had, the only one where she was foreseeing a lot of talking to make things right again. She had a feeling that when they went to bed tonight things would still be uncomfortable, and a horrible feeling settled in her stomach as she imagined them sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, a wide and cold chasm between them. Her chest ached with regret and she took a deep breath before speaking.
"Adam?"
He turned and slowly crossed the room to her, his eyes completely unreadable and foreign to her. There was no light in them, no flicker of happiness. There wasn't malice at all, they were just sad, disappointed.
"Colton, go see your mama," he said softly, handing her a warm bundle of child who wrapped his arms around her neck and nearly fused himself to her. Adam crossed the hallway into their bedroom and closed the door behind him, leaving her utterly clueless as to what to do. She wanted so badly to follow him but the gentle click of the door closing echoed in her ears and she stood rooted to the spot. This wasn't like him. He was usually right there to hold her and make everything right again. She felt like he had turned his back on her. And he wasn't just hurt. He was angry.
Slowly she walked across the hallway, leaning her forehead against the door and being careful to keep her sniffles quiet.
"I'm sorry Adam," she said, with all the volume she could muster. "I'm really, really sorry."
She stayed still but didn't hear any movement from inside. Her hand moved up and landed on the doorknob, but didn't move it and she felt more alone in that moment than she had in years.
"Mama."
"Let's go make some dinner buddy," she said, moving away from the door and feeling the pit in her stomach grow unbearably larger.
"Dada?" he asked, sensing the rift between his parents, even if he didn't understand any of it. She ignored his question and took him into the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something for dinner. Her eyes scanned as far as the second shelf before the tears came and she couldn't take it anymore. Her chin met her chest and she cried. Colton held onto her tightly, kept calling her name, but she couldn't catch a good enough breath to calm herself. She could tell he was crying too, little baby whimpers that brought the whole thing rushing into even greater perspective.
"Mama," he hiccupped, one chubby hand reaching up to pat her face.
She held him a little tighter and he placed a few sloppy baby kisses on the end of her nose, the best comfort he knew.
"It's okay," she managed finally, looking at him and wiping the tears off his cheeks. "Mama's okay."
He dropped his head to her shoulder and tangled his hand in her hair.
"You want some applesauce for dinner?" she asked, switching modes and settling him into his highchair. "How about some turkey?"
He smiled and she returned it, finding him some food and setting it on his tray. He ate a few bites and played with the rest while she sat at the table, her chin resting on her arms. A tear escaped every once in a while and she brushed them away wondering what her next move was going to be. She considered calling Austin to practice the apologizing and honesty, but she knew she had to deal with Adam first. It was only fair anyway.
"Mama?"
"What bud?"
"Pay?"
"Alright, let's play," she agreed, lifting him out of the chair and taking him into the other room. They sat down on the floor and he grabbed a dump truck immediately sucked into his own imaginative world, while she sat staring at the wall, praying that this would be over soon.
"Lindsay I want to talk to you."
She turned at the sound of his voice breaking through the quiet of the dark apartment. It had been four hours since he had closed the door on her and she had since put Colton to bed and cleaned the kitchen. She was wondering if he had effectively banished her to the couch for the night or if he'd just fallen asleep in there or what. She bit her bottom lip as she looked at him, her eyes full of unshed tears. She wasn't trying to make a puppy dog face but she knew that's how it looked.
"Come here."
She hesitated a little, not out of fear but out of shame and surprise that he still wanted her.
"Lindsay, come here."
She stood up and slowly made her way to him, trembling as his arms came around her and he held her to him tightly.
"We promised to never walk out in a fight."
"Adam-"
"You already got to have your say, now you get to listen. We promised, Lindsay. And you broke that promise and you walked out that door. And that made me mad. I'm still mad at you if you want to know the truth. I don't like to be mad, especially not at you."
She nodded and his hands came up to frame her face, his gaze intense as he looked into her eyes.
"Don't do that again."
"I won't. I swear," she promised, her breath speeding up as she started to cry again. "I'm so sorry Adam. I didn't want to hurt you."
"It's all over sweetheart," he assured, his heart still stinging from the flaming verbal arrows she had slung at him earlier. He knew it was because she was dealing with something and trying to do it alone even though it was not a one person job. She didn't lash out from anger as much as fear.
"I do need you," she confessed, feeling her knees getting weak at the thought of confessing. "You were right, I'm trying to ignore it and keep things from you."
"Like what, baby?"
"Don't be mad at me," she whimpered, wanting to bury herself in him. "Please."
"Just tell me."
"I lied. I'm not okay. And I'm really scared that I'm never going to be."
"I'm scared too," he said, brushing her hair back. "I can tell when you're not you."
"I don't like it, Adam. And I don't know how to fix it."
"Coming clean is a pretty good step."
"It's hard. I can't do it."
"Yes you can," he said, letting her go and grabbing her hand.
"Where are we going?"
He took her into the darkened bedroom and sat down on the bed, then pulled her down so she was sitting between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair, making her feel as comfortable and secure as he could.
"I cry a lot," she whispered, shuddering. "I don't want you to know. So I hide it because it's easier that way and I don't have to think about it. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I don't know what else to do. I have flashbacks. Way more than I have ever told anybody. What happened in the bank was just a catalyst. It only brought up everything I've been feeling and hiding and lying about. I don't want to lie to you anymore. I hate lying to you and you don't deserve it and I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," he said, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. "And I understand. But don't do it anymore."
"I need you to help me."
"I will. Whatever you need."
"When I tell you things like this, I need you to second guess me. Ask me if I'm telling you the truth. I've gotten so good at figuring out how much to say so I sound believable but good enough that no one needs to dig any deeper. I think I need you to stop trusting me."
"No."
"Not forever, just a little while."
"No. Lindsay I will do anything in the world for you. But not that. Not something that is going to hurt both of us so badly. Never. I can't."
"Adam, I need to be broken and put back together. I don't see another way to do this. I don't know how else to get better."
"Lindsay, you don't need to be broken. Your problem lies in the fact that you already think you are. You've always thought of yourself as less than other people because you hurt. But baby everyone hurts. I don't want to belittle what you feel, but you're not a lost cause. You're not beyond help. You have to stand up and take it. You have to be brave and face it. And I will be right here behind you the whole time."
"I know."
"You still feel guilty."
"I told you not to touch me and then I left."
"Lindsay, I forgave you. Yes it hurt, and yes, I am a little mad still. But it's not something you need to feel guilty or worry about. I love you. I am always going to love you."
"I know. It's the only thing that keeps me halfway sane."
She turned halfway in his lap so she could put her arms around him too and they breathed together for a while.
"Linds, we're going to figure this out and we're going to beat it. One day at a time. But I need you to hear me loud and clear right now. If we're going to do this together, we are doing it all together. No hiding, no lying, none of that. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"That starts right here. Right this minute, it's not just you anymore. Okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
"And now I need to apologize too."
"For what?"
"When you came home, I was still pretty mad, and I needed to not be around you for a little while. I should have told you that instead of just shutting the door. I'm sorry."
"If you can forgive me for what I did, then I can definitely forgive you for that."
He smiled and kissed her gently, feeling the overwhelming need for connection, but knowing that the verbal part was more important to them both right now.
"I'm so glad you're mine, Lindsay. Every single day."
"I'm glad you're mine too."
"You look drained baby."
"I am."
"What do you need?"
"I need to go to bed. And I need to make up for what I said before."
"What do you mean?"
"I need you to touch me. I need you to hold me. That's all you wanted to do and it's what I needed and I just pushed you away. I need a do-over."
He gave her a little half smile then kissed her again, letting it linger for a while before he pulled away and looked into her eyes. He was met with a complete openness and love and he knew exactly what she needed. He leaned back a little and took his shirt off, then started in on hers, slowly undoing each button, then dropping it onto the floor. He took a second to drag his fingers over her shoulder and look into her eyes. She gave him a little nod and he reached down to undo her belt buckle and slide her jeans off. Within a few moments everything was in a pile on the floor and they were tucked in together in the middle of the bed. They both needed the skin to skin contact and the gentle caresses. Nothing more, nothing less, just that as it was, the most basic of comforts. Their foreheads pressed together, noses nuzzled, lips brushed, and hearts mended.