Before reading this chapter, make sure you read chapter 7. It took me several attempts to post it, and I'm not sure alerts went out to everyone.
00
"Okay, what is going on with you?" Renko asks. It's late in the day on Thursday and the case that has kept the team busy all week has finally settled. They are driving back to the Mission together.
"Nothing," she snaps.
"You've been moody all week. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Come on, Kensi, talk to me."
She ignores him.
"Kensi," he prompts. When she stays silent, he continues with, "Kensi, Kensi, Kensi…"
"Michael, Michael, Michael," she retorts.
Renko makes a show of shuddering. "Please, don't ever call me Michael again. Only my mother calls me Michael. And only when I'm in trouble. Brings back memories of my teenage years. Michael Renko! What did you do this time?" He says with a high pitched female voice.
Despite herself and her mood, Kensi smiles and feels herself engage in the conversation. "I guess you got in trouble a lot."
"Not that much. I was a good kid," he says.
She raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, fine," he hedges, "I got in trouble all the time. It was practically my middle name."
"So, Michael Trouble Renko…"
He laughs. "Mike Trouble Renko."
She scrunches her nose. "I'm still going to call you Renko."
"I wouldn't expect anything less, partner." He shoots her a smile. "So, you want to talk about what's got you all moody?"
She sighs. "No."
"Did you break up with the guy?"
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
He is silent for a moment and she thinks he has let it go. She is wrong.
"Look, Kensi, partner, I just want to help. I'm not trying to pry. I'm just worried."
She glances at him and then back to the road.
"I care," he continues. "And I'm your partner. And even if you don't want to talk about it, I want to take you out for drinks to make you feel better."
"I thought you were seeing that girl tonight? Megan?"
He waves his hand. "For you, I'll cancel."
"That's very chivalrous of you."
His voice turns quite serious. "I'm your partner, Kensi. That means you come first."
She sighs. "I didn't break up with Marty. But I think I have to." Her eyes sting, but she prides herself on keeping her voice even. She has not had a good week. She has begged off seeing Marty since Sunday, blaming work. She has spent her nights on the couch with a bottle of beer and trashy television, drowning her sorrows, and often ignoring the tears in her eyes.
She really likes Marty, but this isn't fair to him. If she could tell him the truth about her job, she's sure he wouldn't be so certain of her.
"I'm sorry," Renko offers.
"Yeah, me too."
"You seemed to really like him."
"I do like him."
"And you've been seeing him for a while."
She nods. "More than three months."
"That's a long time for you. And you like him. So, what's the problem?"
"Me. I'm the problem."
He shoots her a smile. "I don't see how that is possible. You seem great. And super easy to date. Not at all neurotic or crazy."
She half-laughs before sobering. "He thinks I work for a pharmaceutical company; that I have a nice, normal, albeit busy, job."
"Okay. But that's pretty standard. We all have to lie. It's not easy, but-"
She cuts him off. "He hates guns and everything to do with them."
Renko exhales. "Oh."
She nods. "He told me on the weekend. He had…a bad experience when he was a kid. Now he doesn't want anything to do with them because they remind him of his childhood."
"That complicates things."
"It's not fair to him to keep seeing him when he doesn't know the truth about me."
"Okay, but is it fair to break up with him without him knowing the real reason?"
Kensi runs a hand through her hair. Renko's question is the same question that has been plaguing her mind all week. "I think it's more fair. I know I can't tell him, but if he knew the truth-"
"I disagree," he cuts her off. "You've been with him for three months. Something is clearly working. You've clearly developed feelings," he acknowledges. "And you're pretty awesome, so I'm sure he has feelings, too."
Kensi feels her eyes sting again, but blinks back tears. She has developed feelings. She doesn't trust her voice in this moment so she stays silent.
"I think that means something," Renko continues. "You are more than just this job, Kensi. And you deserve to be happy. If this thing with Marty is real, then it will work out."
They are both silent for several moments.
Kensi sniffs. "I didn't realize you were such a closet romantic."
Renko laughs. "Don't tell Callen and Sam."
She joins him in laughing. "Got your back, partner."
00
By Friday night, Kensi can't avoid Marty anymore. She has taken Renko's advice to heart, but she still doesn't know the best course of action. Part of her wants to put a smile on her face and move forward with Marty. But the other part of her wonders what he would want if he knew the truth about her. She wonders if ending things now would be better than dragging things out, because it will only hurt more later.
She drives to Marty's house for dinner, not sure if this will be the last time.
He greets her at the door. He is happy to see her, but she can tell he is concerned, too.
She hates the vulnerable look in his eyes, and she hates that she's the reason for it. She snakes her arms around his waist and hugs him close. He is warm and his tee shirt is soft against her cheek. She tightens her grip around him as a lump grows in her throat. She really, really likes him. He has filled a void in her life. He has made her happy and hopeful for the future, and she wants that future so desperately. She doesn't want to lose him.
He is silent as he hugs her back. His hand runs up and down her spine.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around this week," she tells him.
"It's okay," he says quickly. "What we talked about last weekend was a lot. You're allowed to avoid me."
She wants to argue that she wasn't really avoiding him, but she knows that would be a lie. He just doesn't understand why she has been avoiding him. She needs to make him understand as best she can.
"I also know my past may be too much," he continues. "It has been before. So, if it's too much for you, I'm giving you an out. No judgment, no hard feelings."
She pulls back far enough to meet his eyes. They are dark blue and shimmering with just a thin layer of unshed tears. She has never seen him so vulnerable. And she hates the acceptance in his eyes. He truly believes he is not worth understanding. He believes he and his past are too much for her. And he believes that is okay.
It makes her angry at the women before her who he opened up to, just to have his heart broken.
She had promised herself before to do better with him. And she really wants to rid him of the haunted look in his eyes.
Kensi doesn't want to walk away. She doesn't want to lose him.
"I don't want an out," she whispers, ignoring the tears welling in her own eyes. She reaches up to cup his jaw with her right hand. "What happened to you when you were a child was not your fault. And what you did shows how strong and good you are. Don't ever forget that."
He nods. "Okay."
Kensi takes a breath. "Your past doesn't worry me," she tells him.
"But something does," he surmises.
She nods. "Yes. It's not about you." She pauses and releases a bitter laugh at the newest cliché she has created for herself. It's not you, it's me. "I'm not…who you think I am," she starts, her mind reeling for the words to continue. She can't tell him everything, but she needs to tell him as much as possible. "And I need to give you the chance to walk away, too."
He scoffs and reaches towards her, but she holds up her hand to stop him.
"I need you to know that I don't share your views. I don't hate guns. And I'm never going to." It's not eloquent, and it doesn't say the full extent of what she knows needs to be said, but it's a start.
He exhales slowly. "I don't expect you to adopt my views, Kensi. I know they're extreme and based on my childhood memories. And it's not guns themselves, it's the reminder of the way I felt when I-"
"I know that. But it's not just that I don't hate them." She's not sure how to explain her expertise with guns. Then she thinks of where it started. And she thinks of her father. "Hell, Marty, I have my father's sniper rifle in my house."
He considers her for a long moment. "Your father was a hero, Kensi. I can't say I like knowing there's a gun in your house, but I would never ask you to get rid of it or anything. I just wouldn't want to see it."
"Are you sure?" She can't tell him everything, but she can make clear her stance and share stories from her own childhood. "Because I need you to be sure. My dad's sniper rifle was a part of him. It's important to me. And I know how to use it."
Marty sits up a little straighter at her words.
"My dad taught me to shoot," she tells him. And she's able to be comforted by the fact that what she is telling him is not a lie. Her childhood is where her experience with weapons began. "It's something we did together. When I was a teenager, I spent a lot of my weekends at the base firing ranges."
Marty is still silent.
"I understand and respect your views," she tells him. "But I also know we're still getting to know each other, so if my experiences and views are too much for you…"
He offers her a thin smile. "You're offering me an out," he finishes for her.
She feels the familiar prickle of tears in her eyes again. She has to give him an out, even if she desperately doesn't want him to take it. She blinks hard and nods towards Marty. "There's a lot we don't know about each other…and there's a lot you don't know about me."
Marty steps forward and reaches for both her hands. "I can accept you and your views if you can accept me and mine."
"Are you sure? I mean, really sure? Because-"
"I'm sure. I like you, Kensi. A lot. This doesn't change my mind about you." He cups her face and then kisses her before she can say a word. When he pulls back from the kiss, he takes a deep breath. "I'm falling for you, Kensi. Nothing is going to change my mind."
Her heart thuds hard in her chest, and she can feel his heart matching hers through his chest. He's offering her a future. He's offering her everything she has always wanted.
She takes her own deep breath, breathing in their shared air. And then she just can't fight it anymore. She smiles and reaches up to run her hand through his hair. "I'm falling for you, too," she whispers.
He ducks his head and kisses her again, harder this time. She kisses him back and moves easily with him when he tugs her towards the bedroom.