This chapter starts at the end of the Blye, K episodes. These are the episodes where Kensi finds out what really happened to her dad, and reconnects with her mother. I will not be adding much explanation in the chapter so if you haven't seen the episodes and want to fully understand the plot, I would recommend you google a detailed explanation. (I also recommend that you watch the episodes because they're great.)
Kensi grips tightly to the journal Granger has just gifted her with as she makes her way into the bullpen. The leather is soft and worn under her fingers. Despite the craziness of the day and all the new information swirling in her mind, it calms her to know that her dad once held this same journal.
"Welcome back," Callen tells her.
Kensi nods towards her team leader. She has spent most of the day apart from the team. But she knows they were fighting for her the whole time. They never believed she was to blame for the deaths of the men from her father's unit. They had her back when it mattered the most. And they helped her finally find out the truth about her father's death.
"How does it feel?" Sam asks.
Kensi takes a breath. Hetty had asked her the same thing. She still doesn't have an answer. "People keep asking me that," she says.
"That tends to happen when they care about you," Callen tells her.
"I don't really know how I feel yet," she says. "But I know that things will never be the same for me." No more wondering what had really happened to her father. His death had been such a pivotal moment in her life. Fighting for the truth has driven her for years. "It's strange."
"It's a good thing," Sam says.
She lets herself smile. "Yeah." There's been a lot of good in her life lately.
Callen and Sam leave her to her thoughts.
She sits at her desk, still clutching her father's old sniper journal in her hands. She hasn't opened it yet. She's not sure how she will react to her father's deepest thoughts.
"There you are," her partner calls as he joins her in the bullpen. "Did you have a good day? I hope so, because I had a pretty stressful day…"
Kensi rolls her eyes in good humour, knowing Renko is baiting her.
"First, my partner was accused of murder." He holds up one finger. "Then she was taken into custody." Two fingers. "Then she escaped from custody and went on the run-" He holds up a third finger as she cuts him off.
"I was not on the run."
He ignores her and holds up a fourth finger. "Then she got shot-"
"In the vest," she cuts in.
"Then she disappeared again," Renko continues, still ignoring her and now holding up all five fingers of one hand. He pauses for a moment before giving up on counting on his fingers and waves his hand. "Then she beat up some guy who was following her. Then I briefly found her, only to be asked to take her mother into protective custody while she disappeared again. Then she almost died twice in two different setups."
"You done?" She asks.
Renko offers her a smile. "It's a good thing she's an awesome partner," he concludes. "Otherwise she wouldn't be worth all this drama."
She nods towards him and smiles. "Thank you for everything you did today."
"Thank for not being a murderer," he counters. "And also for not dying. I wouldn't want to have to train another partner."
She scoffs, but she's also laughing. "You didn't train me. I trained you."
Renko echoes her scoff. "Well, that's just not true."
Kenso rolls her eyes again, but sobers quickly. "In all seriousness, Renko, thank you. You went above and beyond today."
"Partners," he responds. "You'd do the same for me."
"I would," she agrees.
"Just promise me one thing? No more running off to go it alone. My heart can't take the stress." He makes a show of laying his hand over his chest.
"I'll do my best," she promises.
"Good." He nods towards her. "You good?"
"I think so."
"You get yourself checked out yet?"
"I don't need to," she says. "I'm fine."
"You took a sniper round to the vest," he counters.
"And I walked away. I'm fine."
Renko mutters something under his breath, but lets it go. "I dropped your mom off at home. Hetty pulled some strings to get the house cleaned up right away for her."
Kensi inhales slowly at the reminder of her mother's sudden reappearance in her life. "That's good," she says evenly.
"You going to go see her?"
Kensi feels her shoulders raise. She doesn't like being pushed. "I don't know."
"She seemed pretty cool," Renko offers.
Kensi thinks back to her childhood; before her mother left and her father died. She had always been a daddy's girl, but she and her mom had still been close. Julia would take her someplace special when her father was deployed. They spent evenings playing board games and watching girly movies. Her mom had been cool.
But then she left. And for fifteen years, Kensi believed her mother had left for another man. The information Julia had relayed to the team today was new and Kensi wasn't sure how to process it; that Julia had known the truth about Donald Byle's work and hadn't been able to live with it. She had created a reason to leave that made herself look like the bad guy. And when Kensi had picked her father, Julia had sacrificed her own relationship with her daughter to allow Kensi to keep seeing her father in the same light.
"She was cool," Kensi agrees with her partner. "But she gave up so much for me, and I never gave her the chance to explain. I don't know how to apologize for that."
Renko considers her for a long moment and then shrugs. "I don't either." He reaches forward and squeezes her shoulder. "Whatever you choose, we'll all be here to support you."
"Thanks," she brushes off his support.
He squeezes her shoulder again. "I mean it, Kensi. We're all here for you. I'm here for you."
She ducks her head for a moment and then nods. She's come a long way since she was the teenager with no one in her life. But after chasing ghosts of her dad's past all day, she's grateful for the reminder. "Thank you, Renko. Really."
He releases her shoulder. "Take care of yourself, partner. I won't try to make you go to the hospital…mostly because I know I can't make you do anything you don't want to do…"
Kensi laughs at her partner's joke.
"But make sure you take care of yourself. Better yet, go get that boy of yours to take care of you."
00
Kensi gets in her car, but doesn't want to go home. Marty is in court this week and is spending his evenings reviewing his case. She doesn't want to bother him, anyway. She drives around aimlessly for close to an hour before she ends up at the beach.
The air is cold, but she ignores it as she sits on the sand and opens her father's journal. Instead of traditional entries, she finds dozens of letters penned to herself. Her eyes fill with tears as she reads her father's narrative of his life, his love for her and his thoughts about her future. His words are so true that she can hear his voice speaking them in her mind.
She is so comforted by his words, but also filled with so much want.
She misses her father, and she misses her parents and the family she had once known. She wants desperately to have it back.
She leaves the beach and drives to her mother's house. She can't bring back her father, but maybe she can mend her relationship with her mother.
Kensi parks across the street from the house. The light in living room is still on. Kensi wonders if her mother is waiting for her. She turns off the ignition, but can't bring herself to open the door and get out.
She tells herself she just needs a minute.
A minute becomes an hour, and then two.
The light in the living room of the house across the street turns off. She is not sure if she feels regret for waiting so long or relief for having an excuse not to get out of her car, walk across the street and knock on the door.
She takes a deep breath and then turns the car on and drives away from her mother's house.
Kensi feels rocked by all three discoveries of the day; the truth about her father's death, that her father was basically a government controlled assassin, and that the grudge she held against her mother for fifteen years was for naught.
She is halfway home when she realizes she doesn't want to be alone. Renko's words echo inside her head. After so many years of solitude and independence, the knowledge that she not only doesn't want to be alone, but doesn't have to be alone, is still startling. But not necessarily in a bad way.
She changes direction and sets off for Marty's house.
The lights are still on when she arrives, but she still knocks quietly on the front door instead of letting herself in.
She hears shuffling on the other side of the door before it is pulled open.
Marty offers her her a smile when his eyes land on her. He cocks his head. "Hey, are you okay?"
She tries to offer him a reassuring smile, but it falls flat when tears spring to her eyes once more. "No," she whispers.
"Come here." He pulls her into the house and into his arms.
Kensi closes her hand around a fistful of his tee shirt as she tucks her face into the crook of his neck. Her other hand snakes around his waist.
For a long moment, Marty hugs her close and says nothing.
"I'm sorry to just show up," she whispers against him. "I know you have court this week. I won't stay-"
"Of course you'll stay," he cuts her off. "You're always welcome here, Kens. Always."
His kind words only make her cry harder. It's been so long since she has felt truly welcome.
He holds her close and runs his hand up and down her spine and lets her cry out her emotions. He doesn't push her to talk or ask her what is wrong.
When she finally gains control of her emotions, he tugs her to the couch and keeps her close.
"You want to talk about it?"
She leans into his comfort. "I had a really bad day."
He huffs out a laugh. "Yeah, I could kind of tell."
She feels her chest hitch with a hint of laughter. He always makes her feel better so easily.
"Anything particularly bad about today?" He presses.
She wants to tell him about her mother's sudden reappearance in her life, but she doesn't know how to explain her father's murder and her role in the investigation. She considers making up a story, but she doesn't want to lie to him.
He presses a kiss to the side of her head in her hesitation. "You don't have to talk about it, Kensi."
She nods and turns her head to kiss him on the lips. "Thank you for not pushing. I just don't know how…"
"Do you need anything? Are you hungry?"
She feels her lips quirk at the confirmation that he knows to offer her food as comfort. "I think I got everything I need and more," she tells him quietly.
He takes a breath and then exhales slowly. "I'm glad you came here tonight, to me."
"Me, too." She reaches to runs her fingers through his messy hair. Her heart swells in her chest, overwhelmed with her feelings for this wonderful man. "I love you, Marty."
"Oh, Kens," he murmurs. He rests his forehead to hers with a sigh. "I love you, too."
Kensi closes her eyes and allows herself to forget about the horrible and confusing day she has just experienced. She lets herself just be in the moment with the man she loves.
Eventually he pulls back and pecks her on the lips. He stands and holds his hand out to her. "You must be exhausted."
She takes his hand and stands, but hesitates in following him to his bedroom. "You have court…"
Marty waves his hand towards the files that are neatly stacked on his kitchen table. "I'm done reviewing the case for the night. And there's no way I'm letting you leave tonight." He says the words gently, but she can read the seriousness in his tone. He is worried about her. He also knows her well enough to expect her to want to leave.
"Okay, I'll stay," she agrees, smiling at the look of surprise on his face. "But only because I love you."
He smiles back at her and kisses her before leading the way to the bedroom. It's late and they are both exhausted. Neither make any move to do anything more than sleep.
Kensi strips down to her underwear and pulls a tee shirt out of Marty's second drawer. She is just pulling it over her head when he stops her.
"What happened?" He says, suddenly close. His hands find her hips and his head ducks down, focusing on her ribcage.
She had forgotten about the injury in her emotional turmoil. The reminder now causes the pain to flare to life.
"Kensi, this looks really bad. Are you okay?" He looks up from his inspection and meets her eyes. His are filled with concern.
Kensi pastes a fake smile to her lips as she internally chastises herself for being so forgetful. She doesn't even have a cover story prepared to explain the dark bruise spreading across her ribcage. "It's fine. Not as bad as it looks." She makes a show of looking down and wincing. "I actually didn't realize it looked so bad."
"What happened?"
"I had a clumsy moment," she makes up. There's no way she can tell him she got shot in the vest. "I tripped and fell sideways into the corner of a lab table."
He runs his hand upwards from her hip to the bottom border of the bruising.
She holds her breath, waiting for more pain. But his touch is light and warm, offering comfort instead of pressure.
"I guess this was part of your bad day," he says.
"Yeah."
He removes his hand, allowing her to finish pulling the shirt on.
"And you're sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure."
"Can I get you some ibuprofen?"
Kensi's first instinct is to shake her head and tell him she's not in much pain. She hates admitting to weakness. But she cried in his arms less than an hour ago and he loves her anyway. "That would be awesome, actually."
He pecks her on the cheek before leaving the room, off to fetch her pain killers and water.
She smiles after him, but the smile quickly falls away. She hates lying to him. She wants to tell him the truth about her life and her job. She wants to be able to tell him what really happened today. She wants to be able to open up to him as fully as he has done to her.
For now, however, all she can do is be herself with him and lie about the little things. And hope the little things don't add up to become too big.
Just a quick note to address some comments, especially those which mention concern that Kensi hasn't told Deeks the truth about her job yet. Keep in mind in the show, they have only known each other 3-4 months (at the time of chapter 8), and Kensi is in a job where they are expected to keep secrets. Kensi struggled with keeping secrets/lying early in the series, and this was a theme I wanted to explore further.