Wow! Thanks for an amazing response. If I keep getting responses like that, I'll have to start writing faster…
AN: Working knowledge of the Sans Voir and Endgame episodes (season three finale and season four premiere) are strongly encouraged. There are spoilers for these episodes in this chapter.
One moment Kensi is standing in the parking lot of the shooting range joking with her partner.
In the next moment, Renko falls to the ground.
And in the moment after that, Kensi hears the shot.
The team covers them as she presses her hand to Renko's jaw. Blood surges around her fingers, barely slowed.
She breathes hard as she mumbles words of reassurance to her wide-eyed partner. Her brain reels to process what has happened. She's not sure how she's gone from worried about her partner's undercover status, to relieved the team has him out safely, to having his blood coating her fingers.
When the scene is clear, she rides with her barely conscious partner to the hospital. She holds his hand as he blinks up at her, unable to speak. There is fear and pain in his eyes. She whispers words of comfort and tells him he's going to be fine. As he loses conscious, she promises to be there when he wakes up.
But he never does wake up.
He survives surgery, only to go into cardiac arrest while in recovery. Kensi stands in the hallway while the doctors and nurses fight unsuccessfully to save his life.
She feels numb when she returns to Ops alone, her late partner's dried blood still on her clothes.
Later that day Agent Hunter is killed by the same man, who is out for revenge on Callen. She is numb no longer. Now she is angry.
The team is rocked by loss and motivated by the wrong emotions. Anger and pain and urgency fuel them.
It's not a good combination. It makes them desperate and impulsive. With the bad guy in custody, they rush into a bad situation. Kensi and Sam are nearly killed in a building that explodes around them.
After the explosion, and after knowing Sam is okay, Kensi collapses on her knees. She puts her head in her hands and struggles to maintain control over her breathing. Her ears are ringing from the explosion and the world totters around her.
She feels the loss of her partner so keenly in this moment that it hurts. Pain flares in her chest and pulls at her heart.
She hadn't known Agent Hunter nearly as well, but she feels that loss, too. She knows how easily it could have been her and Sam right now.
"You good?" Sam asks, laying a hand on her shoulder.
Kensi pulls her hands from her face and looks up at Sam. "I'm fine."
Sam regards her for a long moment before sighing. "You're not fine. None of us are."
"Maybe not, but we have to be. We have to finish this."
Sam stares towards the burning building for a couple seconds. He turns back to Kensi. "I'd tell you that you shouldn't be working right now after losing your partner this morning, but I know better."
"We're all hurting," she says. "We need to stop being sloppy and take this guy down."
"Agreed. That was closer than it should have been."
Kensi feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. Thinking it's Ops, she pulls it out expecting a message from Eric or Nell. Instead, it's a message from Marty. How's your day going?
For a moment, she can't speak. She feels like the air has been sucked out of her lungs. Her eyes sting, but she's already cried enough today. If she hadn't already been kneeling, she's pretty sure she would have collapsed under the weight of the reminder of just how bad her day has been.
At Sam's worried look, she shows him the screen.
"Are you going to respond?" He asks.
She shakes her head. "What would I say? Just about got blown up a few minutes ago. Oh, and my partner was killed this morning. How's your day, honey?" She finishes her sarcastic rant with a sigh and then pushes herself to her feet, before turning serious again. "He has no idea…" She trails off as her eyes turn to the burning building. She is suddenly overwhelmed with the knowledge that she could have died just a few minutes ago and he would have no idea. How long would he have waited for her to respond to his text? How would he have found out?
"Does your wife know what you do?" She asks Sam.
Sam is surprised by her subject, but answers. "She does," he says.
"So, it wouldn't be okay if something happened to you, but at least she would understand."
"Kensi…"
She shakes her head, cutting him off. "Promise me that if something happens to me that you'll tell Marty the truth for me. He deserves that. Promise me you'll tell him what we do." She thinks to the loss of her partner. "Promise me you'll tell him why we do what we do."
Sam nods. "I promise."
00
Despite having Janvier in custody, the team is blackmailed to release him to prevent the release of top secret information. With no time left, they hatch a plan for Callen to pretend to kill him but shooting him in a vest. They need to convince international players looking to buy the information that Callen has killed Janvier.
Unfortunately, the media is on scene, forcing Callen to take the shots on national television.
Callen is arrested as the team works in the background to get Janvier out of sight. Then, with nothing to do but wait, Kensi and Sam are sent home.
00
Kensi doesn't sleep. She drives home through the darkened streets in silence. When she gets home, all she wants to do is cry and scream and maybe hit something. Renko's death is a sharp pain in her chest that she can't get rid of.
She tries to lay down, but can't find sleep. She thinks of Marty and how much she wants to be with him in this moment. He's offered her more comfort in the few months she's known him than she's had her whole adult life. She considers calling him now, but knows she's in no way able to lie to him in this mindset. She'll tell him soon, but not like this.
It's still dark when she makes her way into work. Hetty's desk is empty, reminding Kensi her boss has resigned. If their plan doesn't work, she's pretty sure the remaining pieces of the team will be disbanded.
All she wants to do is stop feeling.
She makes her way to the gym and is unsurprised to find Sam already there. He offers her an understanding nod, which she returns.
She runs on the treadmill until she can't breathe. Then she beats the hell out of a punching bag. Then she starts over.
By the time the sun rises, Sam leaves to be there when Callen is released from prison.
Kensi is exhausted when she joins Eric and Nell in Ops. She knows she is emotionally compromised and not at her best, but she needs to push through.
Thankfully, the day is busy and keeps her mind off her pain.
It's over by the time the sun sets. Callen is cleared. Hetty is back. Janvier has been traded to Iran. And the team has pulled off the most impressive trick Kensi has ever seen.
00
Kensi stumbles into her house, still in shock by the events and emotional turmoil of the past two days. She peels off her dirty clothes and then spends the better part of an hour in the shower. Her hot water runs cold before she feels like she has washed off the horrors of the past forty-eight hours.
She rummages through her kitchen, opening cupboards and sifting through their contents. But in the end, she is simply not hungry and makes her way into the living room.
Her eyes catch on the new framed photo sitting proudly on her bookshelf. It's of herself and Marty at Mindy's party. Mindy had given it to her a week after the party. In the picture, they are laughing together. Marty's arm is around her as they smile towards the camera. Kensi touches the edge of the frame as she recalls how happy she had been in that moment. She had felt happy and in love. And normal.
In this moment, she misses Marty. She craves his presence and his touch. She wants his comfort.
She's had a horrible two days, which she knows she cannot explain to him. And she's completely exhausted; mentally, emotionally and physically. She knows she shouldn't go and see him in this mindset. But she also knows what it feels like to be held by him. And she knows how much comfort his presence will offer her.
She cannot stay away.
She leaves quickly and drives the familiar route to his house. It's getting late, but she can't turn back now. Even if he is asleep, she needs to be near him. She will happily crawl into bed next to him and be comforted by his mere presence.
She uses her key to let herself in, staying quiet in case he is asleep.
He looks up in surprise from the couch in the living room and offers her a smile. "Hey, you. Didn't expect to see you tonight."
Kensi shuts the door behind her. She slips off her shoes, drops her purse to the ground and makes her way towards the couch.
She sits and his arm snakes around her, pulling her close. She feels him press a kiss to the side of her head. And just like that, the world feels a little steadier.
"Sorry it's so late," she says.
"s'okay," he responds easily. He's tired, but happy to see her. "Bad day?"
She has to swallow hard against the sudden lump in her throat. "Yeah," she manages to whisper.
"Want to talk about it?" He asks gently.
"No."
He breathes into her hair before pressing another kiss to the side of her head. "Well, I am glad to see you." He waves his hand towards Monty, who is asleep in his doggy bed across the room. "Monty would be glad to, if he were awake. Not much of a guard dog, this one."
Kensi is surprised when she almost laughs.
"He fell asleep about an hour ago," Marty continues, speaking about Monty. "We were going to turn in early, but stayed up watching the news. Did you see what happened yesterday?"
Kensi looks towards the small TV across the room and feels her heart clench in her chest. She sobers immediately. 'Federal Agent Shoots Unarmed Man Without Provocation' is displayed across the bottom of the screen. Two ZNN news anchors are discussing the shooting. The video is paused on the screen behind them. The faces are all blurred, thanks to Eric, but Kensi has no difficulty recognizing all the players. Callen is front and centre, gun aimed towards Janvier. Behind him, Kensi and Sam are pretending to try and stop Callen from taking the shot.
Kensi swallows hard, struggling to tamper her reaction. She was aware that the fake shooting had been recorded by a news reported, but to actually see it as 'news' is surreal.
"Some of my clients complain about how they are treated by law enforcement," Marty says. "But this is just unbelievable."
Kensi takes a steadying breath. "I'm sure there's more to the story," she says.
"I just hope he doesn't need a court appointed attorney," Marty continues. "No way I want to represent someone like that."
Kensi feels her eyes sting. She knows Marty doesn't understand the situation. And she knows he is trying to distract her from her day. And she knows it's not his fault that he is inadvertently making it worse for her. But she can't take much more.
She blinks back tears and moves to stand. "I'm going to go home," she says as evenly as she can. She's both physically and emotionally exhausted. She cannot pretend tonight.
"What?" He says and she can feel his eyes watching her as she moves back towards the front door. "Why?"
"I just…need to go." She's exhausted and past the point of being able to make up a better reason. She keeps her back to him as she slips on her shoes, knowing he is watching her and not wanting to see the concern and confusion in her eyes. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"Kensi, what's wrong?"
Across the room, Monty lifts his head, having been roused by Marty's tone. The dog thumps his tail when he sees Kensi.
Kensi shakes her head, still not able to turn and meet Marty's eyes. She hears him sigh and stand up.
"Please talk to me."
She finally turns. She has no idea what to say to him. Behind him, Monty is sitting, watching them both with concerned eyes.
Marty reaches for her hand. His eyes are filled with concern. "Talk to me," he pleads.
"I can't," she whispers.
"I know you can't talk about work. But you're clearly upset." He steps closer and hugs her. "I want to help. Let me help."
Despite herself, she feels her body soften at his touch.
"I love you, Kens," he continues. "I just want to be here for you."
Suddenly she feels herself hug him back desperately. "I love you, too. I want… I wish you could understand. I wish you knew…"
"Tell me," he pleads. "Help me understand."
She wonders if maybe he could really understand. Her resolution not to tell him like this begins to give way. "Not everything is black and white," she says. "Sometimes things are so grey, Marty."
"Okay." He runs his hand up and down her spine.
"Sometimes you don't know the whole story. I'm sorry that you don't know."
He pulls back to meet her eyes. His eyes are full of confusion, but he wants to understand.
Across the room, the television catches her attention again. ZNN is still reporting on the shooting. Her breath catches and she feels a new wave of tears stinging her eyes.
He follows her gaze and half turns towards the television. "I want to know your whole story, Kensi. I know not everything is black and white like this." He motions towards the television.
"That's not black and white, either," she says before she can help it.
Marty points towards Callen on the screen. When he responds, his voice is filled with conviction. He is a lawyer, and he defends those who have been wronged. "That man is in a position of authority and he shot an unarmed man. That's black and white. That makes him a murderer."
Kensi sucks in a breath at Callen being called a murderer. If their plan hadn't worked, she doesn't know what would have happened to her team leader.
She was afraid for Callen. And she was afraid for Hetty, and for the remaining team.
She is angry. And she is grieving.
"He is not the murderer," she says. She leaves Marty's side and walks towards the television. She points towards Janvier on the screen. "That man is a murderer. He deserves worse than what he got."
Marty sucks in a breath and then slowly releases it. "Kensi, you know how I feel about guns."
She nods. "I do. But you also know how I feel. And right now, I need you to understand."
He stares at her, concerned and confused, but still trusting.
"I don't work for a pharmaceutical company," she tells him. She doesn't plan to tell him the truth in this moment, but the second the words leave her mouth she knows she could not have held them in any longer.
He blinks in surprise at the topic change. "What?"
She points towards her own blurry figure on the television screen. "That's me."
He stares at the screen and then back to her. He is confused. She can only hope he is still trusting.
"I'm a federal agent."
He huffs a laugh, but it's a nervous laugh. He's not sure whether to believe her.
Kensi walks by him towards the purse she dropped on the ground when she arrived. She pulls out her badge and offers it to him. "I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service," she says, showing him the badge.
He stares at the badge, but makes no move to touch it. When his eyes move back to hers, they are filled with shock and hurt.
She feels tears well in her own eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. My team works on a lot of top secret cases. We all have to hide what we do."
"You've lied to me all this time…"
"I'm sorry," she says again. She swipes at the tears running down her face.
"You know how I feel about…"
"I do know. And I tried to make my views as clear as I could." She inhales sharply as he stares silently at her. It makes her desperate. "You said you would accept me if I accepted you."
He runs a hand through his hair.
She steps towards him, but he holds up his hand, stopping her. "You lied to me about who you are."
Her chest shudders. She nods. "I'm sorry."
"I can't process this."
"I'm still me," she tries. "Everything else I told you is true. You said… You said nothing would change your mind about me."
Suddenly he is angry. "You don't get to turn that around on me. You've been lying to me since we met."
"Only about what I do," she argues back.
He scoffs and waves a hand towards the television. "Your team, apparently, kills people."
"We save people," she shouts back. "And we didn't kill anyone yesterday."
He laughs sarcastically and points towards the television screen. "It's on video."
"We didn't kill him," she says. "We faked that scene. As soon as he fell back into the van, I shot him up with a tranquilizer."
He runs his hand through his hair again. "You said he deserved worse…"
"He did. He does."
"You don't get to make those decisions, Kensi. You don't get to fake these things. You don't get to render sentences. That's why we have laws. That's why we have courts and judges and juries. And lawyers."
She holds up her hand. "I respect what you do, Marty. But sometimes things aren't so black and white."
"That's bullshit."
"That man deserves everything he's going to get and more," she counters.
"It doesn't matter what he did, he deserves a fair trial."
"It does matter what he did," she whispers fiercely. "Because he killed my partner yesterday."
Her words are enough to take Marty by surprise. He falls silent. Behind him, Monty is still sitting up in his dog bed. His eyes are tracking the conversation, but he makes no move to leave his bed.
"He murdered my partner yesterday morning. He shot him in the face in front of me. So, you don't get to judge me for wanting that man to suffer. Because you didn't hold your partner's hand yesterday and promise him he was going to be okay. And you didn't watch your partner die. And you didn't watch another agent die as well." She moves back towards the television and points towards Janvier. "That man killed two NCIS agents in cold blood. He almost killed me and the rest of my team. He had a vendetta against us. And he was going to do things I can't tell you about. So, he needed to be stopped."
"I'm sorry about your partner," he says softly. His hands twitch like he wants to reach out to her, but he doesn't. He's confused and doesn't trust the sympathy he has for her.
She sniffs. She wraps her arms around her own torso. She feels herself deflate. "Me, too."
"I want… I can't…" He runs his hand through his hair. "I don't know how to deal with this."
"This is who and what I am, Marty. You said you'd understand. Please…understand."
He shakes his head. "I don't."
She blinks hard as a new wave of tears spring to her eyes. "Okay."
He stares at her for a long moment. His eyes are clouded with both pain and confusion. He is in turmoil. "I think you should go," he whispers.
She moves back towards the door and picks up her purse. She stares at him for a long moment. He looks as devastated as she feels. Behind him, Monty watches silently with sad eyes. "I'm sorry," she says.
"I'm sorry, too."