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The team is in mourning.
They may have pulled off Hetty's master plan, but they are still shaken by loss.
Callen and Sam attempt to instill some normalcy. They try to engage Kensi in their usual banter, but it falls flat. Kensi makes an effort to take part anyway, but she just feels numb and unable to engage.
Eric is sympathetic. He offers her supportive smiles and awkward approaches. She can tell he wants to offer comfort; he just doesn't quite know how to go about it. She wants to accept the comfort, but can't. She keeps herself back, grateful for his attempt, but unable to invite any actual comfort. She keeps herself back from Nell as well. The analyst keeps offering her anything she needs; support, friendship, a shoulder to cry on. But Kensi just can't.
Hetty stares at her with sad eyes, but has nothing to offer the junior agent who has lost her second partner in as many years.
Nate is brought in to help the team and takes the time to sit down with each of them one-on-one.
"How have you been holding up?" He asks Kensi when it is her turn. She is sitting across his barely-used desk from the operational psychologist. Her arms are crossed in front of her chest. She doesn't want to talk about any of this. She doesn't want to feel any of this.
"Honestly, Nate, I don't know."
He nods in understanding. "Everyone here lost a team member this week, but you lost your partner."
"Yup." She nods as tears fill her eyes. She refuses to acknowledge the tears by making any move to wipe her face.
"Renko was a good partner," he offers.
"He was a great partner," she agrees. "And a great friend. And I really miss him."
Nate is quiet as he reaches across his desk and offers her a box of tissues. "It's okay to miss him, Kensi. It's okay to be sad."
Kensi stares at the box of tissue for a long moment. Her eyes flicker to Nate's kind and patient gaze, and then back to the box. She takes a breath and reaches for the box, giving in. "Thank you," she says as she wipes her eyes.
"No one expects you to be dealing with this any better than you are," he assures. "Especially considering…" He trails off.
Kensi doesn't need him to finish his thought. She knows they're all walking on egg shells around her right now. Not only because she lost her partner, but because she lost her second partner.
No one wants to voice it, but she sees the knowledge and the pity reflected in everyone's eyes. No one even really knows what to say to her. It's the only benefit she has in this whole situation; that she is not being questioned or pushed to talk by anyone at work.
Renko was the only one who pushed.
"How are things with the team? With Callen and Sam?" Nate presses on.
"We're all dealing with it," she says. "I know they want to help me, but I don't think they know what to say."
"It's hard to know what to say in these situations," he agrees.
She nods. She's been through this before.
"But it's important that you have support while you go through this. When we talked a few months ago you were seeing someone. Are you still seeing him?"
Kensi sighs at the reminder of her failure. It's only been a few days, but misses Marty in a way she could not have foreseen. He had added such joy and contentment to her life. He'd made her feel loved and cherished, and he'd been a welcome alternative to nights alone on her couch. "I don't think so."
Nate stares at her for a long moment. "That's not a no."
"Yeah, but it's not a yes, either." She hasn't heard from Marty since the night she said all the right things in all the wrong ways.
"What happened?" he asks gently.
"The job happened."
"He found out what you really do?"
She nods. "I told him the day after Renko died. I shouldn't have gone to see him that night." She's not sure if things would be different had she been in a better place of mind when she told Marty about her job, but at least she would have been better able to explain herself. She would have been better prepared, and more rational. She hates herself for begging him to accept her. She knows it wasn't fair. She knows well the streak of insecurity he carries, as well as the guilt.
And she knows when he promised to accept her no matter what that he was making that promise to a girl who doesn't exist.
"I was emotional and couldn't explain myself properly. Even so, it's probably for the best."
"Why would you say that?"
She sighs and runs her hand through her hair. She hates when Nate pushes her to talk like this. But she also knows he won't let up. "Marty's a really good guy. And he deserves to be with someone who doesn't have to hide from him." She hates that it's the truth.
"Interesting choice of words; that you have to hide from him."
"Well, that's what we have to do with this job. Hide parts of ourselves. Lie." She is bitter, even though she knows she has no right to be. She knew about the secrecy when she took the job. She just hadn't expected Marty to come into her life.
When her friend started pestering her about a blind date with a lawyer, Kensi had not expected to like him. She had no idea she would fall in love with him. She wasn't prepared for it.
"Do you think you hid too much of yourself?"
"I'm not sure," she tells Nate. "At the time, I thought I was doing everything I could to let him know who I was. I was…hopeful things could work out." She pauses for a moment and allows herself a small smile. "Renko gave me a pretty good pep talk one day. Made me believe things could work out."
Nate returns her smile. "He was a good partner for you," he comments.
She nods. "He really was."
Nate gives her a moment before moving on with the conversation. "Do you still believe things could work out with Marty?"
She sighs and chooses not to answer the question directly. "Sometimes things turn out to be too much."
"What was too much in this case? That you lied? What you really do?"
"Both, I guess. The lying must be a shock to him. And then…" She trails off with a sigh. "He doesn't like guns. He had a bad experience as a child so he doesn't like the reminder. He was open about that. And I wasn't open about this."
Nate nods in understanding. "I'm sorry."
She tries to offer him a smile, but it falls flat. "Me, too, Nate."
He considers her for a moment. "What do you think Renko would say to you right now?"
"About Marty or about his…death?"
"Either. Both."
She closes her eyes and thinks. She can practically picture her partner sitting across the desk from her, his gaze somehow both serious and filled with humour. He wouldn't want this for her. He wouldn't want any of it.
"He wouldn't want me to be sad about him. He'd probably make some inappropriate joke about his death. But then he'd be serious, and he'd tell me I need to get my head in the game. He'd tell me I can't get myself killed because I'm sad about him. He'd be pretty emphatic about that."
Nate nods. "And what would he say about Marty?"
"He'd probably threaten to kick his ass for me." She actually manages a small laugh as she imagines her partner offering to defend her honour or something else ridiculous like that. Renko liked to make her laugh. "He'd do it even though we would both know that Marty wasn't in the wrong. But he'd offer, because he'd know it would make me smile. And then he'd probably say something amazing and insightful to make me believe it could actually work out."
Nate smiles. "Sounds like our Renko was a bit of a romantic at heart."
Kensi surprises herself when she actually laughs. It's soft and it's short lived, but it's a laugh. She's reminded of good times with her partner. "I accused him of being a closet romantic once. He made me promise not to tell Callen and Sam."
Nate chuckles, but before he can respond, there is a knock and the office door opens.
Callen pops his head in. "We got a lead…" He narrows his eyes at the two of them. "Everything okay?"
Kensi offers the team leader a smile. "Just remembering a promise that I made to my partner."
Callen doesn't smile, but his eyes soften. He nods approvingly at her speaking about Renko. "What was the promise?"
"Can't tell you," she responds as she stands. "I promised him I wouldn't."
Callen narrows his eyes at her, catching onto some of the humour, but he doesn't press.
Kensi turns to Nate. "Let me guess; we'll continue this later?"
Nate nods. "If you want."
She raises an eyebrow. "And if I don't?"
He smiles, "Then we'll continue it anyway."
She rolls her eyes in good humour and turns to leave.
"Kensi," Nate calls, causing her to turn back for a moment. "Your partner gave good advice. You should listen to him, even now."
00
Six days after Renko's death, the team attends his funeral. It's held outside. The normally clear and sunny California sky is just a little overcast. It adds magnitude to the events of the day.
Kensi is wearing dark grey pants and a black blouse. She shifts uncomfortably at the constrictive material of the top. She's sad and uncomfortable. The numbness earlier in the week had been both a curse and a blessing. Now that it is wearing off, both the pain and the loneliness are screaming inside her. She misses Renko. And she misses Marty. She hates this week.
Eric glances at her, concern lining his eyes. He offers her a sad smile and stays silent. He still doesn't know how to approach her.
She smiles back, noting that he looks even more uncomfortable in his pants and jacket than she feels in her outfit.
Next to Eric, Nell stands with her arms wrapped protectively around her middle. Her focus is on the crowd of mourners. Her red and puffy eyes take in each person one at a time. She's seen a lot of death since she started working with the team a year and a half earlier, but this is the first time for her that it's been a member of the team.
Nate's attention is also on the crowd. Though his expression is less extreme than Nell's. He looks sympathetic, but also resigned in the knowledge that this is part of the job. Beside him, Rose holds his hand. Rose hadn't known Renko herself, but she knows the team well enough to know what they have lost.
Callen and Sam haven't arrived yet, and Kensi hasn't seen Hetty. The Operation's Manager had kept to herself at Hunter's funeral, and Kensi doesn't expect any different of her today.
The service is set to start in less than fifteen minutes when Kensi spots Callen and Sam approaching them from the parking area. Callen's face is neutral, but Sam is scowling.
They are all devastated to be attending the second funeral of the week.
Sam nods to them all as he and Callen join them. He meets Kensi's eyes. "You good?"
She ignores the sting of tears. It's become an all-too-familiar sensation this week. She nods. "Yup. You know me."
He frowns. "I do know you." He exchanges a worried glance with his partner.
Kensi resists the urge to roll her eyes at how obvious they are being.
Callen looks to her, but then his eyes flicker to something behind her. His brow furrows and he stands up a little straighter. Kensi recognizes that Callen is suddenly on alert.
"What?" Kensi asks. She has, of course, taken in the crowd, but has not noticed anything of concern.
"We're being watched."
She resists the urge to turn and look, not wanting to look obvious if there is a threat.
Sam nods as he takes a surreptitious look at their observer. "Male, early-to-mid thirties. Shaggy blond hair-"
Kensi turns on instinct. Her heart thuds heavily against her chest, because the man Callen thought was watching them, was actually watching her.
Marty is standing alone, about fifty feet from the team. He's dressed in a dark suit. He looks uncertain, but determined. He meets her eyes and begins to move toward her.