Lindsay grumbled and kicked the machine, crossing her arms at the chemical stain that ran down the side of it. It was dead officially, and there was no getting it back. Dropping her head into her hands, she sighed and gave the machine another gentle kick before falling into a chair.

"Whoa dude, who dropped a turd in your punchbowl?"

"Hey Aust. What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be starting your maternity leave?"

"This is my last shift before I get locked up. Are you alright?"

"Just a bad day."

"Divulge."

"Adam and I got into a fight this morning and I had to leave for work before we could make it better. The air conditioning went out in the car and it's about 100 degrees today. I spilled coffee all over my shoes and I haven't found any more yet and this stupid machine is out to make me assist it in its suicide."

"That is… some Tuesday there buddy."

"Yeah and it's only ten in the morning."

"What did you and Adam fight about?"

"That's the thing, I have no idea. It's like we woke up arguing. And we've been doing it a lot lately. I have no idea what it is."

"Want to hear my opinion?"

"Yes please."

"You're working a lot again, not seeing each other a lot again, and you haven't had even a weekend off in a long time. You just need to step back and breathe and talk to each other."

"Maybe. It's so weird, this has never happened before, you know? We always get over stuff, we never have problems getting along, none of it. I wouldn't know where to begin. It just doesn't make sense. I don't even know who's starting it."

"You guys are both just stressed out. You're getting used to someone else watching Colton, you spent almost a week in a courtroom, his dad's been calling him, you guys are due for a-"

"Wait, what?"

"What, what?"

"His dad's been calling him?"

"You… didn't know."

"The look on my face says that I didn't know."

"Oops."

"How come you know and I don't?"

"Don't be mad Linds. I just happened to walk in just as he was getting off the phone the other day and he told me because we talk about that kind of stuff and… you look mad."

"When was this?"

"Last week or so."

"Was it the first time he's called?"

"I'm not sure."

"Austin."

"I guess it's been going on since his dad dropped by that one time."

"That was over a year ago," Lindsay breathed in disbelief. "He's been lying to me for a year."

"Don't look at it that way."

"Why not? When I don't tell him things he calls that lying. How is this different?"

"I… Linds, I'm sorry I spilled the beans. Now you're upset."

"It's alright."

"You're mad."

"Not at you."

"But you're mad at him. Don't be mad, I'm sure he was just trying not to worry you."

"Because I'm so fragile and can't handle anything, or because he doesn't trust me, or because of some other insane reason I haven't thought of yet?"

"This is Adam we're talking about. He's not underhanded like that."

Lindsay just sighed and buried her face in her hands, trying to calm her heart rate which was rapidly rising from anger.

"I need to go for a walk."

"You don't look like you want company."

"Not unless you want to see my nasty side."

"I prefer to think my best friend is a goody two shoes. It's going to be alright, Linds. You're going to work it out."

"Yeah."

"Don't be mad. I mean, you can be mad at him, but promise you're not mad at me."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Aust. I'm not mad at you."

"Feels like you are."

"I'm not. He probably told you he was going to tell me."

"Yeah."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just…"

"Hurt."

"Very."

"I'm so sorry, Linds."

"I'll figure it out."

"You are going to talk to him, right?"

"Yeah, I'll talk to him."

"And maybe give him the benefit of the doubt?"

"That's pushing it."

"Okay. Call me if you want to vent about it."

She just nodded sadly, feeling completely betrayed.

"Hey, I stuck some dinner in the oven for you," Adam greeted when she walked in the door. "I thought I would try and make up for being grumpy this morning."

"Thanks."

"You okay?" he asked, jamming his foot into his shoe without untying it. "You didn't call today, you get busy?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"What's the matter?"

She just shook her head and moved into the other room, taking a glass out of the cupboard and filling it with water. She hadn't eaten anything all day, and the coffee this morning would have been the only thing she drank if it had ever made it into her mouth.

"Honey, what's bugging you?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"And you love me too, right?"

"You know that I do. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I was just double checking."

"Something's wrong."

"You're going to be late for work."

He just looked at her for a minute, then tugged on her sleeve and turned her around to face him.

"Hey, I thought we said we were going to tell each other stuff."

"Well you just hit the nail right on the head, didn't you?" she shouted stalking away from him.

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"I don't know, Adam. Is there something that you've maybe been keeping from me for a year now? Something that you should have told me and just figured it wasn't important?"

"I'm lost."

"Just think about it for a minute."

Suddenly it dawned on him and he sighed.

"How'd you find out?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out, Adam. The fact is that I didn't find out from you."

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't know why I didn't tell you."

"Go to work," she spat, turning the other way so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"No, I want to talk about this."

"We're not going to talk about this now because Colton is sitting ten feet away and I don't want him to hear us fighting like this, and you had better believe this is going to be a big fight."

"Lindsay," he started, grabbing her arms and pulling her closer. "Don't be stubborn."

"Things would be better for you if you just went to work right now."

She could feel nausea creeping up on her and she tried to ignore it. She hated fighting with him more than she hated anything, but being this mad was even worse. Being this mad made her not want to work it out. It made her want to ignore it until the hurt went away and they could forget it ever happened. It made her not want to even look at him. He wrapped his arms around her and she stiffened, wanting to push him away but knowing that no matter what, he didn't deserve that.

"I'll be home later. And I want to talk about this."

"We'll see."

"Lindsay-"

"No, we made a promise to always talk to each other. We made that promise twice. I thought it applied to both of us but apparently I was mistaken. I don't even know what I'm supposed to think now."

"I screwed up. I'm really sorry."

She didn't say anything, just stood there while he searched her face for something, anything that would help. She wasn't giving anything up.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"Mm-hmm."

"I know you're mad and you have every right to be. But can I please kiss you goodbye?"

"Don't make me say no."

He sighed and settled for a kiss on the forehead.

"Will you be awake when I get home?"

She hesitated for a second. She was so seething mad she couldn't imagine agreeing to anything he said, but there was that tiny part of her that hurt for him, for the things he must be going through with his dad calling.

"I'll try," she said finally. He nodded and sighed, tipping her chin up a little.

"Linds, look at me."

Her eyes met his and she managed to be mad and sad and annoyed and hurt all at the same time and all over again.

"I'm sorry."

She bit back the hurtful words she wanted to spew and just gave a short nod and stepped out of his arms. His heart sunk and he wanted to pull her back to him and fix it all right then, but he knew she needed time to sort her brain out and cool off. So he let her go, watching her walk over to the window and stand with her back to him, closing off for the time being. He sighed and said goodbye to Colton, then slipped out the door. He stood in the hallway for a while, not so sure he should actually leave. Maybe he should call in to work, just for an hour or two and try to find some way to fix this.

"Colton, can mama have some snuggles?"

Her voice was full of tears even through the door and he could nearly see her sinking down onto the couch while Colton toddled over to her happily. He'd really made a mess of things. Forgiving him was going to be very, very hard for her.

"What are you doing here? I thought you would have been home by now," Lindsay said, opening the door for Austin.

"I'm here, so I'm sorta home. And did you really think I was going to let you sit here all night being mad and hurt and quite possibly crying by yourself when I could come and let you vent to me for at least a little while?"

"I dunno," Lindsay replied, closing the door and flopping down on the couch while Austin chose the chair.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Want me to talk?"

"No."

"Want me to leave?"

"No."

"Well okay, that clears it up."

"I'm sorry. I'm just so… I can't even think straight. I'm so mad I can barely talk. What did I do that was so wrong that he can't trust me with this? Does he really think I'm that fragile? That something like this would break me?"

"I don't think he's thinking that, Linds."

"But why didn't he tell me? A whole year, Aust. A whole year that he kept it all a secret and lied to me. While I was spilling my guts and telling him everything, he was sitting on this. What else has he kept from me? In the name of securing my sanity, what does he not tell me?"

"I don't know."

"We promised. We said we would always tell each other everything. And I've held up my end of the bargain. It hasn't been easy, but I've done a pretty good job for a couple months now. And here I found out that that was just a rule for me, that he can do whatever he wants."

"I don't think it's like that."

"You know what? I think it really is. I'm the one that has the issues, I'm the one that can't seem to move on completely, I'm the one that hurts and I'm the one that's weak and needs guidelines to live by lest my mental health goes down the drain. He's fine, he doesn't need anyone to lean on, he doesn't need support, he would be just fine on his own. All I do is drag him down anyway. No wonder he doesn't tell me anything. Why should he trust me? Why should he think I can handle things? I'm just a crying little girl who jumps at the sound of gunshots and has nightmares and can't be around grieving mothers and has to fight anxiety attacks at the sight of too much blood."

"Lindsay, shut up!" Austin said finally, standing up from the chair. Lindsay looked up at her in surprise, having forgotten she was even there.

"What?"

"Stop talking about yourself like that. You know it's not true at all."

"So you're taking his side?"

"No. I understand his side. I understand your side. I'm going to be Switzerland on this and just be on the side of your marriage. Now don't you think that maybe, just maybe it might be a hard thing for him to talk about?"

"Of course I've thought that, but I don't care! It's not like things are easy for me either. It's not like "Oh lets have a spot of tea and a crumpet and have a little chat." It's not easy. But I do it anyway."

"Linds."

"What did I do wrong? Where did I mess up so bad that he can't even tell me his dad is calling? I can't imagine what it must be like every time the phone rings and he hears that voice. And it all comes back all over again. And now I feel guilty for being mad at him but I still think he should know better and I'm still hurt and this really sucks."

"Linds, I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you or that he thinks you can't handle it. If anything it's probably that he thinks he can't. He doesn't want you to see him fall down or be hurt. So he pretends it doesn't happen. It sounds like you if you want me to be honest."

"Ouch."

"I agree that he should have known better and I think he should have told you, but I think it just went on too long and he wasn't sure how to bring it up. Yeah, he made a mistake and yeah, you have every right to be mad. But remember that he forgave you for something similar not long ago."

"I know you're right but I just… still hurt. I mean, there's so much I don't know about him. I don't expect to know every detail of what happened with his dad, but I barely know a thing. I don't know anything really about his previous relationships, or what it was like when his mom remarried or any of that. And maybe it's not that important, but he knows everything about me. Everything. I cannot think if anything that he doesn't know about now. But his life before we met is just a vague blur to me. I know you probably don't know what that feels like."

"Not really. But Danny and I have been in each other's lives for a very long time. It would be almost impossible for us not to know everything about each other. He knows when I first started my period, Linds. But that's because he was there and I drug him to the store so I could buy pads and not feel weird about it. You two… you just have years of things that you still get to discover."

"I guess so."

"So what are you going to do?"

"What?"

"You always have a plan, like the spider in that Raffi song. Now what is it?"

"I guess I'm just planning to make it up as I go along."

"Well that's a start."

"What should I do? If you were me, what would your next move be?"

"Lindsay, I think you just need to listen to him. Let him talk about it. Don't get on his case for not telling you until you understand why he didn't."

"You're right. You're always right."

"Nah, you're always right."

"You're right about that."

They both chuckled a little and Austin stood up again, stretching.

"You good?"

"I'm getting there."

"I'm going to head home then. If you need me later…"

"I'll call."

"I'd hug you if we were the hugging kind of friends."

"I appreciate the sentiment. And thanks."

"Anytime. You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"Go get some rest so you can talk to him when he gets home."

"I will."

Austin stood up and started for the door, then turned back around.

"Linds, I'm just guessing here, but I know that father issues aren't easy, and I know if it were me in his position, I'd be feeling really small right now."

"Got it."

"Good luck."

Adam tried to be quiet as he turned the key in the lock, not wanting to wake Colton, and especially not wanting to disturb Lindsay. He'd spent most of his shift at work pacing the lab and wondering how he was going to recover from his mistake. She was mad and he had a feeling sitting at home stewing was not changing her opinions on the issue. He wanted to run home and pull her into his arms or grovel at her feet or buy her a meadow full of flowers or anything that would let her know how sorry he was and how much he loved her and how he would never do anything so stupid again. He'd kicked himself all the way home for his actions, or inaction as it were. It wasn't fair to her and he knew that.

Slowly he walked down the hallway towards their bedroom, noticing that the lamp was still on. He creaked the door open and peeked in at her, finding her asleep. She was curled up in a tiny ball in the middle of the bed and he half smiled, glad she wasn't on her side of the bed, because that would mean that he was really in for it. He shed his work clothes and remembered to place them in the dirty clothes basket before he crawled into bed.

He wasn't quite sure what to do. If he woke her up she might still be mad. If she slept all night they might never talk about this. It was probably better that she be mad now than pretend it never happened, so he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, then gave her hands a squeeze.

"Lindsay."

She stirred a little and woke up, blinking a few times before she figured out what was going on.

"Hi," he whispered, not knowing what else to say.

She sat up and wrenched her hands from his and for a second he regretted waking her up until she threw her arms around him.

"I'm sorry," she said, holding back tears. "I shouldn't have jumped right to mad, I should have talked to you first. I shouldn't have yelled when I got home either. I'm so sorry, honey. You didn't deserve that."

"You were right though," he said, lifting her head up from his chest and looking her in the eye. "We both promised, not just you. I should have told you right away. I don't know why I didn't."

"I don't know why you didn't either."

"How mad are you right now?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands in the lamplight.

"I'm really mad, Adam. I'm trying not to be, because I kind of understand, but that doesn't make it hurt any less."

"No, it doesn't."

"I don't want to be mad at you. I hate it."

"I'm not a fan either. What do I need to do to fix this?"

"Will you tell me now? Talk to me?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything you never told me."

"You mean about my dad?"

"I mean about everything."

He sighed and she laid back against the pillows, taking his hand again.

"You don't have to do it now. I just don't think we should have secrets."

He nodded and pulled her closer, sighing but knowing she was right. All the words and stories floated around in his head, all the things he thought didn't matter anymore, he was finding out they did. As much as her pain mattered to them now, so did his.

She was quiet as she lay beside him, running her fingers gently over his arm, calming him and bringing him back to the reality of this dimly lit bedroom where she was all he had, all he needed.

"I don't think I remember when it started. Maybe it was always there. I remember when I was younger, it was just kind of shoving me around, grabbing me too hard, things like that. I always thought I was just a bad kid, but then I started going to other people's houses and I saw that their dads never treated them that way. I tried to be better, tried to please him. I remember it was his birthday or father's day or something. I was five I think. And I gave him this card. And I said "I love you dad." And I tried to hug him and he just pushed me away and left the room."

She didn't say anything, but moved a little closer, realizing just why it hurt him so bad when she denied his hugs in the name of being tired or mad or rushing out the door. That's why he used touch so often to communicate with her. That's why he held her every night, even if it wasn't always comfortable. She bit back her tears and gave his hand a squeeze, encouraging him to go on.

"I think that's when the verbal stuff started. You'll never amount to anything, I wish you were never born, you're the worst thing that has ever happened to me, you're a waste, you'll never make me proud. Over and over he would say those things. And he'd say them and he'd hit me. And every day was worse than the one before. I never did anything right. Never. Not one time. I always should have done better. I hated him for that but at the same time I wanted his approval so bad. I would do anything to hear him say he was proud of me. Anything. I went into the store and I stole things for him because he told me to and I thought it would make him proud."

He sighed and she wanted so badly to tell him to stop. Stop speaking, stop remembering, stop hurting. She wanted to protect him from it all, to wipe it from his memory. But she couldn't do that. As bad as it hurt, he had to know where and what he came from.

"My mom finally left him when I was nine. She was in Texas for three weeks, taking care of her aunt. I was home with dad, but I managed to steer clear of him for the most part. But one night, I don't know he was drunk and I was late coming home and it turned into a huge fight. He knocked me down the stairs and I hit my head or something. I woke up later and there were paramedics and the cops there. I guess a neighbor came over to drop something off and she found me on the floor. My dad had taken off and mom was still in Texas, couldn't get home, so I ended up in a foster home for a few days."

She couldn't stop the tears that fell now, for the pain that he'd suffered in those moments, those days being all alone. For the rehashing of the pain now, every time his father called and he had to hear that voice again. Her heart was truly broken, and for the first time it wasn't because of her own pain.

"Mom eventually made it home and we picked up our stuff and got out of there. Never looked back."

His voice cracked at the last few words, for now he had to look back. Every time he got a phone call, he had to look back and realize that there was a little part of him that still wasn't free. There was a little part of him that still wanted to please his father and there was a bigger little part of him that was still abandoned and hurt at the bottom of the stairs.

She rolled over to face him and they both reached out to wipe each other's tears away. There was so much she wanted to say but she didn't know where to start so she just held him instead.

"You're the first person to love me enough," he said after a moment, lifting his head a little to look at her. He never did. Mom… she tried, but I still never felt like I was worth protecting. And then you came along and you love me and you'll fight for me and cry for me and do anything for me. I have never wondered how much you love me because I already know."

"It kills me that you went your whole life never feeling that. Never feeling that someone loved you that much."

"It's okay."

"No it's not. No one should ever have to feel that way."

"I know. But it's okay. Because it makes me a better husband and a better father. I know that I can't ever do that to you guys. I know how important it is to show you I love you every day. I don't want Colton to grow up the way I did. I don't ever want him to feel rejected or like we don't love him as much as other parents love their kids. I don't know if I would realize that if I didn't go through all this."

"How'd you get to be so strong?" she sniffled, raking her hand through his hair.

"I've watched you do it for a long time now. Four years ago, I wouldn't have said a word about this to anyone. I would have just picked up and moved when he found me. That's why I left Phoenix in the first place. But I watch you fight these battles every day. I've learned from you. You've given me so much without even knowing it."

"Right back at ya."

He chuckled and pulled her to him feeling so much lighter, despite the gravity of the conversation.

"Thank you for making me speak, babe. I really needed to. For a long time."

"I want you to know that you always can."

"I will."

He kissed her softly, the way he always did when he needed to cement a promise.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."

"Want to try and get some sleep?"

"Yeah."

"And we'll talk more tomorrow. Whatever you want to know."

"It's a date. Goodnight."

"Night babe."

He kissed her again and she buried herself in him, happy to have him back, no matter how many scars he carried and how many hurts he couldn't leave behind. He was hers, even if he came to her bruised and sore and trampled, she would accept him and love him just the way he had done for her.