Sorry again for the delay. I had an unexpected loss this summer and just needed some time to grieve and do things that didn't leave time for me to think too much. I'm working my way back towards a new normal and hope to get back to writing regularly.
00
Kensi sighs as she stares across the street at the now very familiar house. She's spent many-an-evening sitting in her car, across the street from her mother's house in the past two months.
But one thing is different tonight. She's not alone.
"It's a nice house," Marty offers.
She pulls her focus away from the house and looks at her boyfriend. She offers him a smile. He's doing everything he can to help her. This isn't exactly a typical situation. There aren't any words he is expected to say.
"It is nice," she agrees. She's only been inside once. And her focus was more on the knife fight than the house itself.
But she still remembers finding the shelf displaying her childhood memories.
The reminder makes her feel worse now. She had chosen her father over her mother and hadn't looked back. She had blamed her mother for leaving her father for another man. She hadn't known her mother had made up the story to protect her from knowing the truth about her father's work.
"I hated her for so long," she says out loud. "I blamed her for choosing another man over my dad…over me."
Marty is silent, but he reaches over and lays a hand on her knee.
She sighs and stares at the house across the street. "But now… She sacrificed a relationship with me to protect me. And I was young. I wouldn't have understood the truth. But then I grew up and…" She blinks back the sting of tears and turns her gaze back to Marty. "I never gave her the chance to explain."
"She made her own choices, Kens," he tells her.
"But she tried to explain. And I didn't let her. I told her I never want to speak with her again."
His eyes pinch as he struggles for something helpful to tell her.
She lays her hand down on his, which is still resting on her knee, and squeezes. She and Marty are moving forward without keeping any secrets from each other. He deserves to know everything. "After my dad died, she tried to reach out to me. I was fifteen. All I knew was living on a marine base. I was terrified I would be forced to move across the country to live with her and the man she left my father for. Of course, there was no man. But I didn't know that at the time."
Marty is still silent in his support. He squeezes her knee.
"She wanted to come out right away, but agreed to wait until after dad's funeral. The day before the funeral, I packed up all the things that was important to me and took them to a friend's house. The night of the funeral, I packed up as many supplies as I could into my dad's ruck sack and ran away."
Marty's mouth opens in surprise. "You ran away?"
She nods. "My plan was to live in the bush like my dad had taught me, until I turned eighteen." She almost smiles at the thought of her naïve fifteen-year-old self.
He flips his hand over underneath hers to thread their fingers together, ever supportive. "Guessing that didn't go well."
Kensi thinks back to her fifteen-year-old self now and wonders if everything could have been different. "It was January in North Carolina. It was so cold out at night." She feels tears sting her eyes again as she recalls how lonely and devastated she had been. "I wanted so badly to give up and go home…but there was no home anymore. And I was too proud and stubborn…and stupid to ask for help."
He leans over the center console of the car to press a kiss to the side of her head. "I'm so sorry." He pauses for a moment before settling back into his seat and asking gently, "How long?"
"Almost a year, total," she admits. "I lasted about a week in the cold. Then I hopped on a train and went south. Eventually I made my way west to California. I knew my mom was here. I think part of me planned to look her up, but I never did."
"A year, Kensi." He runs his free hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry you went through that."
She brushes off his comment. "I did it to myself."
He drops her hand and reaches his arm around her, pulling her as close as he can over the centre console of the car. "You were fifteen, Kensi. You loved your dad. And your mother made her own choices. Give yourself a break."
She blinks hard as a set of tears successful overflow her eyes. "When you put it that way…"
He presses a kiss to the side of her head. "I'm sorry you went through that," he repeats. "It must have been really scary."
Her first instinct is to deny having been scared. She wants to tell him the whole experience was difficult, but made her stronger. But his words hit home in a way she has never allowed herself to admit. She had been fifteen years old and all alone. She had lived on the streets, alone. She had had no one to call for help. She had had to find her own food and shelter. She had been hungry and devastated and scared.
"It was scary," she whispers. "And really lonely."
She can feel his breath against her hair as he holds her close. "I wish I could go back and find you then," he tells her.
The thought makes her smile. "Me, too."
He "hmms" into her hair and then presses another kiss to the side of her head. "You're so strong."
She turns to press her forehead against his shoulder. She takes a moment to breathe. "I don't always feel so strong," she admits.
He sighs and she feels his chin come to rest on top of her head. She expects words of reassurance, but he surprises her. "I don't always feel so strong either," he whispers.
She lifts her head and turns to meet his eyes. She's not quite sure how sitting in her car across from her mother's house has led to this conversation, but she's grateful for it. It's probably the most vulnerable she's let herself be in front of another person in her entire adult life. And the look in his eyes tells her the same.
She's trusted him for a long time, now. But it hits her in this moment just how deep that trust goes. It makes her feel vulnerable to tell him her darkest memories, but she doesn't feel afraid. She trusts his reaction and his feelings for her.
Kensi lays her hand on Marty's chest, losing gripping the material of his shirt. "You make me feel stronger," she tells him.
He smiles softly at her. His eyes light up, turning a deeper shade of blue than normal. "I'm glad."
"Me, too." She reaches for his hand again.
He takes a deep breath, turning to stare outside the window of the car again. "Do you feel strong enough to go knock on the door?"
The thought makes her heart skip a beat, but Marty's hand is strong in hers, keeping her grounded. "Maybe," she says.
"Maybe is good," he responds easily. "It's halfway to a yes."
She snorts a laugh. "And halfway to a no."
He turns back to her and shrugs. "I like those odds."
She lets herself smile back at him for a long moment. She may have no confidence in any future relationship with her mother, but she has all the confidence in the world with the man beside her.
"What do I say to her?" She asks.
He purses his lips for a moment as he thinks. "Hi, mom?"
She laughs again, this time with a roll of her eyes. "After that?"
"She's your mom," he tells her. "You don't need a list of things to say."
"But she gave up so much for me, and I cut her out of my life without giving her a chance to explain. I don't know how to apologize for that."
He squeezes her hand. "I don't think she'll want an apology," he tells her. "I'm sure she just wants her daughter back."
His words tug at her heart. Because beyond the pain and uncertainty and guilt she feels, she also just wants her mom back.
He gives her a moment, knowing his words have had an effect on her.
Kensi stares towards the house across the street. The lights are still on. Part of her still hopes they're on because her mother is waiting for her. She nods to herself. Then she nods again.
"Okay," she eventually says out loud. "Okay, I'm going to do it."
"Okay," he echoes.
She turns towards him. "You coming with me?"
His mouth opens, but he's silent for an extended moment. His eyes light up in surprise. "I don't think…" He scratches the side of his face, something she knows he does when he is nervous.
She rolls her eyes. "I thought we were being strong today?"
He offers a tentative smile. "I didn't exactly plan to meet your mom today. What should I say?"
She huffs a laugh at his words, knowing he is purposefully echoing her earlier question to make her laugh. "Hi, Kensi's mom?" She mocks.
He laughs, but then sobers quickly. "I'll come with you if you want. But I understand if this just needs to be you and your mom today."
She leans towards him and presses a soft kiss against his lips. "Thank you."
"For what?"
Warmth spreads through her. "Everything."
He looks confused, so she kisses him again.
"I'll go by myself," she tells him after pulling back again. "It should be just her and me this first time." She passes him the car keys. "Will you be okay?"
He nods. "I'll hang here for a few minutes in case you need to make a quick getaway. Then I'll go find a coffee place nearby and wait for you."
"You don't have to-"
"Of course I do," he tells her. "I'm here for you, Kens."
There's that feeling in her chest again. "Thank you."
He waves off her words. "I have files in my bag to go through while I wait. It's no problem."
Kensi hates how he belittles his own behaviour, but knows that's not a war she is going to win in one day. She renews her promise to herself to change the way he allows himself to see how amazing he is. "Okay. I'll try not to be too long."
"Take as long as you need."
She takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. Then she opens the car door and walks across the street.
She holds her head tall as she walks between the solid white walls that line her mother's property. The only times she had been here before, she had snuck around the hedges to the side of the house. This time, though, she walks up the driveway towards the path to the front door. She hesitates for a moment, and takes a breath. She pushes on.
The outside lights still glow bright, and she can see light shining through the windows, so she's pretty sure her mother is home and up.
The house is large and well kept. It's the type of house her mother had talked about while Kensi was growing up, back when they lived from base to base, in nice, but cookie-cutter, houses.
The door has a large pane of glass, with a curtain on the other side distorting Kensi's view of the inside of the house. She hesitates and turns around, suddenly wanting to leave. But she hesitates. Marty's words flash through her mind. And his faith in her makes her feel strong.
She turns back and rings the doorbell before she can convince herself not to.
Then she waits.
There are footsteps on the other side of the door, then the sound of a lock disengaging.
And then the door is open and Kensi is face to face with her mother for the first time in fifteen years.
Her mother is surprised to see her, but her expression softens quickly.
Kensi stares back at her, tears suddenly stinging her eyes. Despite the time that has passed, she misses her mom.
"Hi," she whispers.
"Kensi…" Julia practically breathes her daughter's name.
Kensi tries to say more, but any additional words are caught in her throat.
Julia smiles. "So, federal agent, huh?"
She nods, suddenly wanting her mother to be proud of her. "Yeah."
Julia keeps smiling at her.
Kensi takes a breath. "I'm sorry it took me so long. But I made it."
Julia's eyes fill with tears, as Kensi is trying desperately not to cry herself.
"Oh, honey," Julia says, stepping forward to hug her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Kensi says as she hugs her mother back tight. And it feels so good. "I'm sorry," she says again.
Julia ignores her apologies and pulls back. She smiles at her daughter. "Will you come inside?"
Kensi nods. "Yeah."
It's almost three hours later that Kensi hugs her mother goodbye with the promise to see her soon. She makes her way back down the driveway to the road.
Marty is waiting for her. He's leaning against the car, his hands resting comfortably in his pockets as his eyes track her movement.
She walks right up to him and doesn't hesitate to hug him tight.
He hugs her back. "How do you feel?"
She takes a deep breath and makes no move to pull away from the hug. "Glad I finally talked to her."
"Good talk?"
"Yeah."
"I'm so glad."
She pulls back far enough to meet his eyes. "You were right; she didn't want me to apologize. She just wanted…"
He reaches to brush her hair back from her face. "She just wanted you."
Kensi nods. "Yeah. And I'm so glad to have her back in my life. I didn't realize how much I missed her."
He leans in to press a kiss to her forehead, and then hugs her again. "I'm proud of you."
Kensi exhales a laughing breath, but nods. "I'm proud of me, too." She pulls back from the hug far enough to kiss him, long and hard. "Thank you, Marty. I could never have done this without you."
"You can do anything, Kens. You're amazing."
She runs her fingers through his hair. "You're pretty amazing yourself. And you need to give yourself more credit."
He opens his mouth to argue, but she raises an eyebrow and shoots him a challenging look.
He shuts his mouth with a smile and then nods sheepishly. "Fine. I'll work on it." He holds out the car keys. "Let's get out of here."
She nods her agreement, but instead of taking the keys from him, she moves to the passenger door. "Can you drive us home?"
He is surprised, but covers for it well. "Of course."
Kensi is exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She leans against the window as Marty drives, and allows herself to drift somewhere between awake and asleep.
She thinks her of the pain and anger she had felt for her mother, which is softened now that she knows the truth. And she thinks of her father, who had tried to encourage his stubborn daughter to call her mother. She wishes she had done so after her father died.
She thinks of her father now. She knows he would be glad she has finally reconnected with her mother. And she knows he would be proud of her.
She rolls her head away from the window to stare at the wonderful man sitting beside her, driving them back to his place.
"My dad would have liked you," she says softly.
He is surprised by her words and glances away from the road towards her. "What?"
"My dad would have liked you," she repeats. "He would have approved."
He turns back to the road and takes a breath. He reaches for her hand. "You sure about that? Even with the shaggy hair, long work weeks and limited salary? I'm not exactly a catch."
She frowns and considers him for a moment, trying to decide how to respond. "Well, you're right."
He shoots her a questioning look.
She smiles. "He probably would have had something to say about the hair…"
He chuckles.
She laughs, too, but sobers quickly. "But the rest… Marty, the job and the money aren't things that mattered to him. And they certainly don't matter to me. What matters is how you treat me, and how I feel when I'm with you. You're kind and considerate. Funny. Generous. Honest. You have so much integrity. And you want to help people."
They've reached his house, and he is silent as he parks the car. She watches as he turns off the ignition and avoids her gaze.
She gives him a moment before pressing again. "You're a wonderful man, Marty. And I love you."
He nods and finally turns to meet her eyes. "I love you, too."
"I happen to have a vested interest in how you treat yourself," she tells him. "So, you better start to believe some of the things I tell you."
"I'll try," he says, though his tone doesn't hold the confidence she would prefer.
She leans across the center of the car to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'll spend the rest of my life trying to convince you," she says, before opening her door and getting out of the car.
He is a moment behind her. The delay is just enough time for her to realize what she has said.
Just because she hopes to spend the rest of her life with Marty doesn't mean they have talked about it yet.
Marty gets out of the car and moves towards her. His eyes search hers, looking for confirmation of what she has said.
She smiles back at him, suddenly unsure what to say.
And then he smiles back and her and she realizes she doesn't need to say anything.
"Let's go inside," he whispers. "You can tell me about your mom. I want to know everything I can, because I'm sure I'll be meeting her soon."
She smiles at the thought. "Sounds good."
00
Had to have some conversations in a car because this is as close to a stakeout this version of Kensi and Deeks will ever get…