First – Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on this story over the last (almost) six months. I am humbled and amazed to have hit 500 reviews on this little story. I love reading each and every one!
Second – In case you haven't seen it, SadieGrace has posted an alternate resolution for this story that starts at the end of chapter 11. I urge you to read it if you haven't as its excellent, and really captures what Deeks is thinking. It's chapter 46 of 'To Love At All.'
Third – Just answering some questions that have come up a few times… (If you don't care, skip to the chapter )
Is Deeks going to become a cop/agent in this story?
No. This story is about accepting each other. And in Deeks's past, there have been women who have tried to change him. Kensi accepts him as he is.
Will Ray be in this story?
No. I actually considered this, but it was too complicated to include. (Because even if Ray is working with NCIS/LAPD, Deeks wouldn't know.)
Will the episode Personal (where Deeks got shot) be included?
No. For one, we're past that story in the timeline (it happened in season 2, this story starts in season 3). And second, it seems unnecessary for this story. I wanted to focus on the issues Kensi's job and Deeks's past bring up, and not create other drama.
Are there going to be chapters from Deeks's POV?
No. Switching POVs back and forth is surprisingly difficult once you get several chapters into a story. I decided early on that this story would be only Kensi's POV. That doesn't mean a story from his POV isn't of interest. SadieGrace's chapter (noted above) is written largely from Deeks's POV and really captures what he is thinking).
Is Deeks aware of everything Kensi does/might have to do undercover?
Yes. I didn't go into great detail in their talk in chapter 14, but she's told him everything.
Why didn't Kensi reconnect with her mother right away (at the end of Blye, K) like on the show?
Because it was Deeks who said the right thing (on the show) that pushed her to go see her mother. Then it was Deeks in the story; he just didn't know about her mother that early here.
Why is the story wrapping up?
Because I never meant for this to be an ongoing story (like ADLS). I wanted to tell the story of a different Kensi and a different Deeks meeting, falling in love, and learning to live together. I think trying to push onward would take away from the story instead of adding to it. However, there will be an epilogue. And I may re-visit this in the future, either as a sequel or series of oneshots. Also, if someone is interested in writing a follow up (oneshot, sequel, something from Marty's POV) in this 'universe' I'd be open to that.
Will this story have a happy ending?
Yes!
Kensi is knee deep in paperwork when Sam and Cole return from their little outing.
Neither look particularly happy. Cole quickly excuses himself and heads for the shooting range.
Kensi shoots a questioning look toward Sam. "What are you doing to my partner?"
Sam meets her eyes evenly. "Trying to work on his undercover skills. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have many."
Kensi scoffs. She doesn't like hearing Sam say bad things about Cole. She turns to Callen for support. Unfortunately, the team leader is solidly on his partner's side and not hers.'
"Not everyone can do this job, Kensi," he says.
She huffs. "He had one bad moment. And he hadn't expected to be undercover. It took him by surprise. I took him by surprise. Give him a break."
"It's not just one moment," Sam reminds her.
After Cole's difficulty undercover almost three weeks earlier, Kensi and Cole had been sent undercover numerous times for practice. Sometimes it was within a case, and sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes they played a couple, sometimes siblings, sometimes friends, and sometimes strangers. Even with practice and warning and coaching, Cole struggles to fall into character, stay in character and act naturally.
"He's a good partner, Kensi," Sam speaks up. "He's got your back, and you two are establishing trust. We all see that. But he needs to be more than a field agent. He needs to be able to work undercover to work in this unit."
"He will," she insists. "He'll learn." She stands to follow her partner.
"We hope he does," Sam says.
"But this isn't a job you can learn," Callen calls after her. "You're either a born operator or you're not."
Sam argues with his partner that an operator can be made, but Kensi isn't interested in listening.
Kensi ignores the senior partners as she leaves the bullpen. She finds her partner in the shooting range. She waits for him to empty his clip before opening the door.
He looks towards her, but avoids eye contact. "You give your boy an answer yet?"
She crosses her arms over her chest. "You avoiding the subject?"
"You didn't say anything. I thought I could start a subject."
She rolls her eyes. "Fine. And, no. No answer yet. Because, technically, there hasn't been a real question yet."
He huffs a laugh. "Making him work for it? That's okay, I guess. My wife made me jump through some hoops when I proposed."
"There are no hoops. And he didn't propose. He asked if it was too crazy for us to get married. I told him it wasn't. End of story." It's not quite the whole story. She doesn't tell Cole how her heart had skipped a beat. She doesn't tell him that Marty had assured her he would be getting a ring and getting down on one knee. Soon. And that was three weeks ago, so maybe really soon.
She also doesn't tell him that the last three weeks have been the most hectic, the most life changing, and the absolute best of her adult life. She's felt a connection with Marty since the day she met him. And she's known she loves him, and that he loves her back, for more than half a year. But there's always been something holding them back. There's always been a wedge between them, no matter how big or small. At first, she was holding back the truth about her life. Then Marty found out and she spent several months uncertain of their future.
But there's no uncertainty anymore. There's no wedge between them. And there's nothing holding them back.
"You're lucky he loves you," Cole says dryly, trying to joke with her.
She nods. "I know," she says, and is proud of herself for being able to say with confidence.
"I'm glad you're happy, Kensi."
She nods her appreciation, but then frowns. "I'm not happy that you're not happy."
He turns to her and finally meets her eyes. "I'm a Marine. And I've been an NCIS agent for five years. I'm good at what I do. And when I find a weakness, I work hard to make sure it's not a weakness anymore."
She nods. Her partner is damn good at most everything he does. He is confident and level headed. She doesn't have to worry about him in the field, and she trusts him to have her back.
"I'm good at what I do, but I'm not good at this job."
She shakes her head. "You're good at this job, you're just struggling with one part of it."
He sighs and shakes his head. His expression is self-defeat, but not self-deprecating. He's honestly assessed himself. He's not looking for her to make him feel better. "This unit specializes in undercover work. I don't. Therefore, I am not good at this job, and I don't belong in this unit."
"You'll get better," she insists. She knows, of course, that his undercover skills are severely lacking. But she wants him to be able to change.
He offers her a grateful smile. "Are you saying that because you believe it, or because you want to believe it?"
His question catches her off guard and for a moment she does not have a response. He has a point, and she doesn't like it.
"Callen said that this isn't something you can learn. Sam said you can learn, but you need to start with natural skills. It's something that either comes natural or not."
"Callen and Sam don't know what they're talking about," she says, knowing she sounds irrational as she says it, but not caring.
He raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, they usually know what they're talking about. But they don't see you in the field. They don't see how good of an agent you are."
Cole stares at her for a long moment, and she feels like he's seeing more than she wants him to. She doesn't like it, and she's sure she isn't going to like what he says next.
He steps forward and offers her a soft smile. "You're a really good partner, Kensi," he tells her. "And I appreciate you standing up for me now."
"It's the truth."
He nods. "I know I'm good at what I do. And I know I'm good in the field." He pauses before pushing on. "And I know you've watched two partners go down in the field."
She feels her eyes well with tears and shakes her head. She wants him to stop.
He pushes on anyway. "I know you've watched two partners die, Kensi. I lost friends on my tours. I know what that feels like." He pats his own chest with his hand, right over his heart. "I know, so I speak from experience when I tell you this. I know you've watched two partners die in the field. And I know you look at me and see a partner who can take care of himself in the field. I know I was easy to connect with, because you see my experience and think there's less of a chance I'll go down in the field."
His words hit home harder than she expects. Her arms are still crossed over her chest and she hugs herself a little tighter. She hadn't put it all together before, and now that it's pointed out to her so confidently, she can't deny it. She's felt safe with him in the field. But she'd also known very quickly that he was safe in the field.
"I feel the same way," he continues. "You're a damn good partner. And if we were regular field agents, I think this partnership would work well. But I see you as an agent who is good in the field and good undercover. I know we can have each other's backs in the field, but I don't have your back undercover. And I could never live with myself if I got you hurt, or worse. And we both know worse could happen."
Kensi blinks against the sting in her eyes. "What are you saying?"
He clears his throat. "There's an opening in the LA Field office."
She flinches at his words, but doesn't look away.
"Hetty mentioned it. I haven't applied yet. But I think I should. Hetty said she could still call me in to help when you guys need it. But I would be working with an MCRT unit, and not working undercover."
"Does is matter what I think?"
He shakes his head. "It matters. That's why I'm talking to you first. I'm not going to be another partner who leaves, Kensi. I want to be the partner who does right by you."
She takes a deep breath. "I don't want you to leave. But I also understand what you're saying." She hesitates before adding, "And I really appreciate it."
He offers her a smile. "You belong here, Kensi. I don't."
He is confident in his words, and she cannot deny the truth behind them. "I wish you did."
"I do, too. But I'll be close by." He smirks. "More than close enough to be around for your wedding."
She huffs and rolls her eyes. "There is no wedding."
"Yet. There's no wedding yet. There will be, though. Soon." He winks at her. "I'm sure of it."
00
A week later, and Cole is gone. Kensi misses her partner, but she knows he made the right choice. She couldn't will him to be better undercover, no matter how hard she tried.
It's early still. Callen and Sam are working out in the gym. She would normally join them, but doesn't feel like it. Instead, she gets started on her paperwork. Half an hour passes before she is caught by surprise by a familiar voice.
"It's tough having that desk empty again, isn't it?" Hetty stands beside her, staring at the empty desk beside Sam's desk.
Kensi startles, but covers for it as best she can. She turns to her boss. "Yes," she answers honestly. "But I understand why he left."
"Mr. Cole was a good agent," Hetty continues. "I thought giving you a partner who was experienced in the field would be helpful to you."
Kensi smiles softly. "Cole said something along those lines. He said he knew he was good in the field, and he knew that helped me connect with him because I didn't have to worry about…" She trails off.
Hetty nods knowingly. "You didn't have to worry about losing another partner," she finishes.
"Yeah."
Hetty stares at her for a long moment. "You know that the loss of none of your partners has been your fault."
"I know," she says.
Hetty nods, but continues anyway. "You are an excellent agent, Kensi. You need a partner who matches you. I'm sorry we haven't found him yet."
"It's okay, Hetty. I know you're trying."
"I am trying," she agrees. "You need a partner who matches your skills. But I think you also need a partner who will challenge you. Keep you on your toes. Annoy you, even. Push you to be even better."
Kensi smiles. "Well, let me know if you find him."
Hetty nods. "I will certainly do so." She offers Kensi a smile. "Now, how are things going on other fronts? Are there wedding bells chiming yet?"
Kensi almost laughs out loud. "Why is everyone so nosey about this?" Cole had made her promise to let her know when she (finally) got (officially) engaged. And in his absence, Callen and Sam had taken it upon themselves to ask daily. Even Eric and Nell were asking regularly in not-so-subtle ways.
Hetty pats her on the shoulder. "It's because we care, Kensi. We care."
00
Kensi goes home that night to Marty and Monty.
There may not be a ring on her finger yet, but they are moving forward like there is. She is in the process of moving in with him and putting her house on the market. They'll live at his house for now, at least, and probably buy something together in the next year.
There are boxes everywhere. Both Marty and Monty are being good sports with her boxes taking over the living room. Marty helps her box up and move her things with a smile, and Monty inspects every single box that comes into his home with a sniffing nose and wagging tail.
"Honey, I'm home," she calls jokingly as she lets herself in the front door. Marty had taken a rare day off, and so has been home all day.
Monty appears from the living room, circles her twice as he chuffs a hello, and then hurries back to the living room.
She laughs as she catches sight of the happy canine now.
Clearly Marty has been busy. He has stacked several of her boxes to make three walls, and draped a blanket over the top, making a small, makeshift 'house' for the dog. Monty sits proudly in the opening, wagging his tail as he stares at Kensi. It's almost as if he is looking for her approval.
"What a lucky boy you are," she tells him. "What a nice house!"
He chuffs and circles once before laying down.
"He's been there pretty much all day," Marty says in greeting as he appears from the stairs. He's wearing baggy shorts and an old tee shirt. His hair is mussed, and it's clear he's been working.
"You boys clearly got a lot of work done today," she says with a raised eyebrow.
He chuckles and leans in for a kiss. "Well, I did. Monty is kind of lazy."
She laughs. "But he somehow managed to make himself a house out of my boxes?"
"He's a dog of many talents."
"He's talented at making you do things for him," she retorts.
He chuckles and snakes his hands around her waist. "Fair point," he says before pecking her on the lips. "But he's got you doing things for him, too."
She makes a face, but knows she cannot argue. She kisses him back as she hooks her hands around his neck. "Did you have a good day off?"
He nods. "Cleaned up the spare room and closet, put some of my stuff into boxes to store until we move into a bigger house, moved the dresser in the bedroom to make room for yours, and got dinner in the oven."
She smiles. "You are the perfect man."
He smiles back. "I try."
Kensi laughs, but stays close to Marty. She's grateful for how amazing he has been lately. She's grateful for how accommodating he's been with her and her things, and she's grateful he loves her as much as she loves him. She's a little amazed at what her life has become in less than a year.
"I asked Hetty and she said I could take tomorrow off. It'll give me an extra day this weekend to get my stuff organized." She glances at the boxes in the living room and knows that arranging them to make a dog house is not a long-term solution, despite how much the dog would like that. "I'm sorry this was so rushed."
He frowns. "I know it's been less than a year, but-"
She cuts him off with a kiss. "I don't mean moving in…or getting married," she pauses to raise an eyebrow at him and laughs when he chuckles. "I just meant we could have slowed down and moved my things a little slower. We rushed when we didn't have to." In their excitement for moving in together, they hadn't slowed down to prepare. There had been no cleaning or purging of either of their things before they started loading her things into boxes and adding them to his. Now they're in an overfull house dealing with duplicate items and not enough space for anything.
He shrugs in good nature. "I just wanted you here."
Her heart melts just a little at his words. "I wanted to be here, too."
His arms tighten around her as he holds her close. "I'm so…happy. Have I mentioned that?"
"Mmm, not since yesterday," she replies. She rests her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes. "I'm happy, too."
He runs his hands up and down her spine. "It's worth all the work to have you here all the time."
It's her turn to hug him a little closer. "Thank you."
His hands continue to move up and down her back, starting to dip a little lower. "We're going to be so happy."
"We are," she agrees.
His hands dip even lower along her back, and stop suddenly when they run into something unexpected.
Kensi's eyes spring open and she practically jumps backwards, out of Marty's arms.
"Marty, I am so sorry," she sputters. She's so used to carrying her handgun in the back of her waistband, that she hadn't even felt it until he had. "I always remember to remove it, but…" She trails off for a moment. He is staring at her with an even gaze. He doesn't look upset. She takes a breath. "This is starting to feel like home. And I forgot. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I bring files home from work…I guess you bringing your gun home is sort of the same."
She smiles, grateful for the attempt. "It's not the same, and we both know that. But I love you for trying."
He smiles back at her and takes a step forward, removing the space she had put between them. "One of the things I did when I cleaned up the closet was to make sure there is a space for your safe."
She swallows hard. "Would you be okay with that?"
He nods. "Of course." He reaches up to brush her hair behind her ear. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hide your work from me."
She snakes her hands around his hips and rests them at the small of his back. "I don't want to hide from you. But I also don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
"I don't feel uncomfortable. I…" He trails off as he stares at her for a long moment. "I still feel haunted by what I had to do when I was a kid. But talking to you has helped. A lot." He actually laughs. "I've seen five shrinks since I was eleven to deal with shooting my father. And they all focused on me not blaming myself. They all focused on me being a vulnerable kid in a bad situation, who couldn't help what happened. But you made me see it differently."
When he pauses, she hugs him a little tighter and waits patiently for him to continue.
"What I did was horrible, and scarring. But it was also brave. I did have a choice. Shoot him or die. I stood up for myself, and my mom. I survived." He looks down for a moment, and then looks back to her. "When we talked on the beach, after Renko's funeral, you told me that taking lives is a necessary part of your job." He swallows hard and looks her right in the eye. "You said you hated it, but it was necessary, and that you never regretted it. You said it with so much integrity and honesty." He shakes his head. "That stuck with me. Because you understand what I did. You've had to the same thing, only worse and more often. But you own it. You don't hide from the knowledge. You embrace it and accept it." He pauses again.
"You made me see it differently. I don't want to hide from it anymore. I want to embrace what I did. I want to be proud of what I did. My dad was a monster. I saved myself, and my mom."
"You did," she agrees. She removes one hand from his back to run her fingers through his hair. "And I'm so glad you did. I'm so glad you're here."
He takes a deep, cleansing breath. "I've been thinking… I kind of want to replace my one memory of firing a gun. Do you think you'd maybe take me to a shooting range one day?"
His words take her by complete surprise, but she finds herself nodding. "Of course. Whatever you need."
He's hesitant, but determined. "Maybe this weekend?"
"Yes, of course." She drops her hand to his shoulder. "As long as you're sure?"
He nods. "I'm sure." He stares into her eyes for a moment and cocks his head. "I'm sure of so many things these days, Kensi. All starting with you."