A/N: Overwhelmed by the response guys, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I really, truly appreciate it. First though, an apology: there's not going to be anymore sex now until about...chapter 15 or 16. Sorry, but trust me, it'll be worth the wait ;)

Chapter Twelve

"Helena, what the hell are you doing out here? It's freezing!"

She nodded and began crying silently. Sirius touched her face and winced. "You're cold as death! How long have you been out here? Come on, we need to get you back inside!"

She flinched away from him. "Don't touch me. I can't bear it!"

He held his hands up and took a deliberate step backwards, his expression wary. "Okay…what have I done?"

"Nothing," she whispered.

"Hellfire, if this is about the sex thing, I told you it was a bad idea-"

She laughed. If only her problem was a broken heart! "It isn't that, Sirius. It's nothing you've done. You're just- Too good for what I am."

"And in English that means?"

Helena shook her head and shivered again, crawling backward away from him. He moved forward and reached for her hand. She flinched when his skin touched hers, half expecting to burn him. It was ridiculous, she knew. Sirius had touched her in ways she'd never been touched before—been inside her and not suffered any ill effects, why should that change now she knew the truth of what she was?

"Can I go back to being half-troll?"

"What's wrong?"

I am. I'm wrong. Could she tell him that? If she told him that, would she have to tell him everything? The picture when shot into her head was so sudden and terrible that she knew it had to be true. His face, but twisted into loathing and revulsion whenever he looked at her. Or worse, complete and total apathy. Not caring whether she lived or died. And James would be the same, and Lily- She had experienced Lily's apathy before, and now that she had her friendship…

"It doesn't matter," she lied. "It doesn't matter."

Padfoot apparently decided she must be sick, since he just took her hand. "Come on. We need to get you back up to the castle."

Helena tried to stand, but her legs and arms would not obey her enough to regain her feet. "I- I can't."

He frowned in concern, but crouched by her and held his arms out. "Put your arms around my neck. I'll carry you."

She nodded, and managed to raise her arms enough to slip them around his neck. Sirius slid his arm underneath her, with the other one supporting her back. He didn't ask her questions, for which Helena was grateful. She had no idea how she could answer him if he demanded to know why she was in the lake. She instead let him take her numbly, and it wasn't until they got to the entrance of one of the secret passages into the castle and he had to duck that she really woke up to the fact that she'd had two revelations in the space of one evening.

She lifted her head from where it was nestled in the crook of his shoulder. She tried to speak, only to find that she couldn't without the shivers making it into her voice. "W-wait… The- The d-dog, that w-w-as you. You're an ani-animagus?"

He nodded, looking relieved that she'd reacted calmly. "Yeah. Unregistered, obviously."

"How l-long?"

"About eighteen months."

She frowned, nodding. "Is this s-s-something to do w-w-with Remus?"

She felt him stumble, and nearly drop her. "You- You know?"

"Y-Yeah. I didn't, until- N-New Years. You all d-disappeared and there w-was no one else in the t-tower so I went looking on the m-map for you. S-saw you leaving the castle. Worked it out from there."

"I forget how smart you are sometimes, Hellfire. Which begs the question what the hell you were doing in the lake…" he muttered, without looking down at her.

She realised after a while that they weren't heading for Gryffindor Tower. Suddenly afraid that he was taking her to the hospital wing, she asked, "W-Where are we going?"

"Prefects' bathroom. James gave me the password; we need to get you into a hot bath."

She shook her head. "N-no. C-could cause a h-heart attack. Common room fire and y-you have to w-warm me with your b-body heat."

"But-"

"N-no, Sirius, you have to listen-" Emphasising the word cost her breath she didn't have, and she choked on nothing, a sharp stab of pain lancing through her chest. She tried to cough and failed.

Sirius swore. "Bathroom's closer."

Lost in her coughing, Helena didn't answer. She didn't think she was that much in danger of having a heart attack anyway—mostly all she wanted was to be warm. And being in a hot bath sounded like a completely fabulous idea. She must have at least begun to drift off though, because she had no recollection of getting from that corridor to the bathroom. She'd never been in here before, but didn't bother noticing the detail of what she was sure was a magnificent room. Sirius didn't bother with undressing either of them; once the bath was full of warm water, he lowered her into it. She saw his face again, and felt yet another pang of guilt at how anxious he looked.

Then relief took over anything else as warmth encapsulated her. The chill of her wet robes was quickly dispersed by the heat flooding in. It hurt, she couldn't deny that—as blood began to return to her extremities and met heat instead of cold, prickling pain began to register. Her face remained expressionless though. It was nothing compared to the iceberg that she'd successfully transplanted her heart with. Sirius had her hands in his, rubbing them roughly to restore circulation. She appreciated it—but still extricated her fingers from his. He had no idea what he was touching.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

He raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask or say anything else, apparently deciding it still wasn't the right time to push her. She was more than glad of it, and felt a wave of affection for him. She had such good friends, especially Sirius. James was his best friend, she knew that unquestionably, but sometimes…she thought that he might just be hers. Another reason it was absolutely vital she get away. She'd heard Lily mention radioactivity a few times, and had it explained to her—that was how she felt now. Dangerous. Poisonous and toxic.

"Warmer?"

Sirius' voice made her break from her reverie, and automatically shrink away from him. "My limbs are working."

"Good. Now you need to get dry and into bed. Do you want to share with me or-"

She shook her head quickly, physically turning in on herself. The idea of having him so close, so vulnerable, made her feel nauseous. Thankfully he nodded. "Alright, then we'll go up to the tower, and you have to get extra blankets, and cover yourself with them so that you can barely breathe. I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but I promise that it's the only way you're going to stay warm, even if it feels suffocating."

She nodded. It already did.

She walked back up to the tower under her own steam, though wrapped up in all of her now-dry robes, Sirius' jumper and his outer robe as well. She still wasn't warm, though she suspected it had little to do with her bodily temperature. He hugged her fiercely when they got to the deserted common room, and it was a struggle not to break down and confess everything. She went upstairs and did as he'd requested, because she couldn't betray his trust anymore than she already had just by existing. She was warm enough, and surprisingly slept—quickly. But she woke at the slightest noise throughout the night: Lily stirring in her sleep, or Amelia going to the loo. When the birds began their dawn chorus, she abandoned the idea of more rest and got up, dressing quickly. She didn't bother with any makeup, only scraped her hair into a rough ponytail, and even put on the robes from yesterday.

The castle was mostly dark when she moved through it, illuminated only by a grey light that she slipped through like a ghost. She wandered without a sense of destination. It was too early even for an early breakfast, and she'd no appetite anyway. Finding herself at the top of the north tower and observatory, she opened the star-spangled door to find someone else in there already. She winced and turned to go back down. She didn't want to speak to anyone, much less him.

"Helena."

Dumbledore's voice arrested her before she'd gone five steps. Unwillingly, she stopped, but didn't face him. A frail but strong hand descended on her shoulder and turned her around. "Professor… I don't suppose I just had a terrible dream, did I?" She looked up, eyes brimming with tears that she wasn't going to let go. "It's true? I- I really am-?"

He nodded. "I'm afraid so."

"Very well. Thank you, sir."

She turned away, so she didn't see the tiny shake of his head, or the very sad expression on his face. Helena instead made her way down to a very early breakfast, though aside from black coffee she could stomach nothing. She was joined after a while by Sirius, who was obviously relieved to see her looking alright.

"Better this morning?"

She shrugged. "Fine. Not feeling like taking anymore swims, if that's what you're worried about."

"Good. Scared me shitless you know."

"Sorry."

"Still something wrong though isn't there?"

She shook her head, but didn't want to outright lie to him, so said nothing. "Please don't tell the others?" she said quietly. "I don't want Lily to freak out, and she will. And James'll just get overprotective." She raised an eyebrow. "Or does James already know?"

"Well, he knows I met you by the lake, but I'm fairly certain he thinks it just led to sex."

Helena nodded. "Thanks."

"No problem. Of course I'm not going to be satisfied with that explanation," he added, a bit sharply. When she continued to stay silent, he frowned. "Helena—seriously now—why were you in the lake, why were you crying and why didn't you yell at me when I transformed? Any other time you would have ripped me to pieces."

"I have bigger problems than you breaking yet another rule, even if it is a law. If you want to be such an idiot as to actually change your bodily structure than you can go right ahead."

She knew her emotionless monotone would only worry him more, but to let anything out right now would lead to a complete mental breakdown—and that she probably wouldn't recover from. Not to mention the fact that it would all come pouring out. And then she would be in the mental health unit of St Mungo's with absolutely no one in the world who cared.

"And these bigger problems would be…?"

"Merlin's beard, Sirius! How about my NEWTs, or the fact that my future depends on them! How about the fact that my family no longer talks to me-"

"-but you don't want them to-"

"-or that two of my best friends, in about six months' time, are going to become aurors and then directly fight against the most evil and powerful man who ever existed and probably get themselves killed!" There was emotion in her voice now—anger, loud and clear. She stood, finger out and now yelling at him. "So tell me, where in that list of problems do you think you and your stupid, pathetic Marauders and your stupid, pathetic rule-breaking should rank?

While Sirius sat utterly and completely stunned, Helena turned on her heel and ran from the great hall, tears shaking own her cheeks. Blinded as she was, she didn't notice where she was going, and ran smack into Remus coming down the stairs. She spent the next few moments crying into his chest while he hugged her bemusedly. It took some time for it to sink in that if anyone was going to understand what it felt like to be a freak, then it would be him.

"Sorry," she said, pulling back.

"Stupid question, but…are you alright?"

"Not really. But I'll get over it. I just have to…find a way out," she finished quietly.

He frowned. "A way out of what?"

"Doesn't matter. Thanks, Remus. I'll get over it."

"Lily?" She turned with a smile to see James looking, for him, very nervous. "Um, I was wondering ?"

"You what?"

He took a deep breath. "I was wondering what you were doing for Valentine's Day. Do you have plans?"

She shook her head. "Isn't there a match then?"

"Well yeah, but I meant…after. Fancy going for a drink or something?"

Lily paused. "Just the two of us?"

"Well yeah, ideally, but if you wouldn't feel comfortable then y'know…the whole team can come," he finished lamely.

Lily smiled. "I don't think everyone—but maybe Helena and Sirius?"

James nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great."

"Cool. Then it's a date," she smiled, before blushing furiously and almost sprinting away. She didn't see James practically float to his next class. She was too bust panicking. She ran into Helena waiting outside the next class. She looked unusually pale.

She clutched the brunette's arm painfully, face panicked. "Helena, you have to help me!"

"Of course—what's the matter, Lily, what's wrong?"

"I just agreed to go on a date with James Potter!"

"And you're cutting off the blood to my hand because?"

"Maybe you didn't hear me, Helena," Lily said, gripping even tighter, "but I just did something completely insane!"

"I heard you, Helena, but I think you're making a phoenix out of a flobberworm. Calm down, and please give me my arm back."

Slowly, Lily let go, and Helena guided her into Flitwick's classroom, sitting her down. "So James asked you out. Nothing unusual there, surely?"

"Well no, but normally I don't say yes, do I? What happened to me believing you when you said he was leaving his childish crush behind? That was supposed to be good news!"

"Look, do you think he's still as twattish as he used to be?"

"Well no…"

"Can you stand being around him? Can you maybe even…enjoy his company?"

Lily nodded. "I think so. Sometimes. I mean, yeah, over the last few weeks he's been nice. I think I might actually like him, Helena."

The brunette smiled widely. "Then what's wrong with that? You agreed to one date, not a marriage proposal."

"True. And at least I'll have you there too."

"You will?"

"Yeah, I've kind've agreed to a double date. So me and James and you and Sirius. I know you're not dating, but screwing each other is close enough."

"Lily, I really don't feel like going out on Saturday—I'm feeling a bit under the weather as it is-"

"Please, Helena. I can't face it without you there. I get that it could go really well, but it could be a complete disaster too. Please, for me."

Helena very much looked like she wanted to say no, but she nodded. "Fine, I'll come. Though I warn you it'll be awkward—I yelled at Sirius today."

"Over what?"

"Doesn't matter," her friend replied wearily. "Just another instance of rule-breaking. I think he expected a bigger reaction than he got and I just couldn't summon the energy. Then when he kept pushing I lost my temper."

"Maybe he was trying to impress you," Lily suggested.

Helena rolled her eyes. "Undoubtedly. But then he does everyone all the time, so what else is new?"

Friday night rolled around far quicker than Lily would have liked; it seemed like one moment she was up to her elbows in dragon-dung for Herbology and the next, laying out what she was going to wear on her date tomorrow. They'd be going straight down to the Three Broomsticks after the match (against Hufflepuff) so whatever she wore had to be warm, practical, fun and pretty all at the same time. So far Lily had gone through about two thirds of her wardrobe, with the end nowhere in sight. It wasn't helped by the sure and firm knowledge that Helena would be able to go dressed in a sack and still look fabulous. And she wasn't even trying to impress anyone. After another hour of sifting, Lily finally had something—a light blue blouse with a gypsy neckline, a maxi skirt which she intended to wear with leggings underneath, and a long navy blue cardi. She'd put her coat and scarf on over that for the match, and then de-layer once they got to the pub.

It turned out she needed those layers—the wind was icy, and there was a heavy haze of sleet that was flying horizontally into the faces of all the Gryffindor supporters' faces. Lily watched James play like she never had before; until she was…well, his potential-future girlfriend, it hadn't occurred to her that all his boasting might be more than simple conceit. When they'd watched Quidditch in the past, Lily had watched the Beaters, the Chasers, the Keeper—never the Seeker, not really. But now she was watching literal poetry in motion. He was amazing, moving through the air with such grace and skill that she thought that if they took the broom away he might keep flying all the same. Gryffindor were, unsurprisingly, winning.

The experience would have been incredible fun, a perfectly enjoyable day, if not for the fact that Helena was sat on her left side staring at the green of the pitch, far below the stands. She wasn't wearing any waterproofs and she hadn't bothered with a brolly. She was just sat there, staring at nothing and doing nothing. She hadn't said a word throughout the entire match, and the redhead was starting to be unsure about whether the water on her face was just the rain or something else—but why would she be crying? Lily had the impression she'd much rather be in the castle than here, and that the only reason she was here was because Lily had requested that she be, as a friend. If friendship hadn't been mentioned Lily was quite sure she wouldn't be.

"Good game, don't you think?" she asked in a forcedly cheerful tone.

Helena glanced up briefly, before looking back into the middle-distance. "Yeah."

"Rain's getting annoying though."

"Yeah."

"Can't really see the action properly."

Helena looked up again, pointed her wand at an empty patch of sky and issued a jet of yellow-green light from the end of it. It shot upward, and suddenly there was a type of shield, stopping the rain before it hit either the players or the spectators. The barrier seemed to be transforming water into water vapour, since it quickly thickened into cloud.

Lily goggled at her friend. "How- How did you do that?"

"Cloud Charm."

"But it's a non-verbal. You hate non-verbal spells. I thought you always had trouble with them."

"I guess not."

Around them, the crowd suddenly burst into thunderous applause and cheers; when Lily looked up the snitch was in James' hand and victory was theirs. The team embarked on a lap of victory around the pitch, and Lily cheered with the rest of them. Helena would snap herself out of whatever fugue she'd slipped into. Not that she wasn't concerned for her friend, she was, but she was also excited, and she couldn't help that she was actually more excited than she'd expected to be.

That anticipation had not faded when, half an hour later, she and Helena met up with their dates. Fresh out of the shower, both James' and Sirius' hair was dripping, but in the rain it mattered little. Not for the first time, Lily was grateful for magic—thanks to the hair potions she'd used that morning, she had no worries about frizz or anything else.

They had no problem chatting on the walk down to Hogsmeade, or at lest Lily and James didn't, conversation flowing easily. If he teased her, then she just teased back. It took her until they reached the Three Broomsticks to realise that she was actively flirting.

"How about a round of butterbeers?" James asked cheerily once they sat down in the pub.

"How about something stronger?" Helena responded in a mutter.

Nothing could dampen James' good mood though, and he only smiled. "Fair enough. Back in a mo." He returned with four tumblers and a small barrel of Madam Rosemerta's mead. He poured, and held his glass up. "To Gryffindor."

"To you guys," Helena said quietly. She drank hers in one go.

"It was a thrilling match," Lily smiled, trying to look at both Quidditch players when she said it and somehow only ending up looking at James.

He grinned. "You're lying, Lily. It was easy to play so it can't possibly have been thrilling to watch."

"Must've been the rain in my eyes then."

"Must've."

"When's the next one?"

"Well, Slytherin have to play Ravenclaw in two weeks, so we'll know who our next opponent is then. It'll probably be Ravenclaw—they're the better team right now."

"You'll still beat them though. You put everything into your games."

He shrugged. "We probably will. But there are other things to be thinking about in seventh year."

Lily clutched at the edge of the table in mock-horror. "Good job I'm sitting down—you have to warn me before you say things like that!"

"I know, you must be rubbing off on me."

"About time," she smiled. "I must be less of a busybody than I thought, it's taken me seven years!"

"Nah, you're pretty officious," James teased. "I'm just very, very persistant."

"I noticed," she replied, tone gentling.

One barrel of mead led to two, so by about closing time and last orders came around, all of them were pretty rat-arsed. Certainly Lily was feeling very giggly, and very flirty. She wasn't sure everything she was saying made sense, but as long as he was still enjoying her company that didn't seem to matter too much. And she was enjoying his company too, so much so that she was actually regretting asking Helena to come with Sirius after all. She was sure they would have been much happier in the castle, alone, and frankly now she was looking for opportunities she could freely kiss James, their presence was beginning to grate. They might have to kiss on their next date.

The group left the pub once Rosemerta had had enough of the Quidditch songs (Lily had no idea she even knew one, let alone the six or seven that James had now grafted onto her memory) and turfed them out. It wasn't a long walk, only a mile or so, but in the dark it seemed longer.

Helena couldn't help a little smile when Lily took James' arm on their way back up the path. She was no less drunk than the redhead, but then she suspected the move had less to do with support than it did the simple fact that she liked him. It lifted her spirits to see. Lily would be alright. She'd miss going to St Mungo's and train with her, but with other friends and James…Lily would be fine. Helena wasn't sure about herself.

"You're very quiet."

She nodded but didn't reply to Sirius. Then she realised—she was going away tomorrow, or very soon, and this was how she was going to leave it? She looked at him again, closely, maybe more closely than she had for a while.

"What?"

Would you come after me? she wondered silently. The answer was obvious though. He would. Sirius was so fiercely loyal to his friends, and her sudden disappearance coupled with finding her in the lake yesterday night…he'd never believe she'd just abandon them. And if he came after her he'd be putting himself through hell, and maybe even in danger. She needed a more permanent solution.

She reached for his hand. "I'm sorry."

His face cleared with a genuine smiled. "Forgiven."

Helena only hoped she'd be as swiftly forgotten.

Lily needed the loo when they got back, and despite enduring much teasing about 'breaking the seal', decided that she couldn't wait until they got up to the tower. She dragged Helean into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and then complained loudly when the brunette found the only toilet that wasn't flooded. Helena didn't actually need the loo. She was sat with the cover down, her sleeves rolled up and looking down at her wrists. She was suddenly struck with the morbid urge to see if her blood looked any different. It certainly felt like it was burning in her veins. And hadn't she just been thinking about a permanent solution?

Really, what was the alternative?

She swallowed hard and placed her wand tip against her skin, whispering, "Diffindo."

A/N: Review please!