Chapter Four

Tuesday morning found me sitting in first period, a bit confused as to how I got there. I'd cleaned out my locker yesterday, said goodbye to this awful place. And then, enter Fang. He refused to let me stay home this morning, and trust me: he could be real annoying when he wanted to be. Whatever, I could handle one more day, I guess. Not like it would kill me.

sorry about last night.

I read the note in my lap and rolled my eyes before writing a reply. It's whatever. Thanks for letting me crash at your place. The storm passed, though, so I think I'll be on my way.

I listened to his pencil scratch against the paper and pretended to pay attention to the lecture. I glanced over at JJ, but she refused to look up. She must still be angry at me for running out on her the other day. Whatever. I would text her later and she would get over it.

My skin itched, and I clawed at my wrist under my hoodie sleeve. The area was beginning to get sore and raw, but the itch never went away. I pushed back the sleeve and re-drew the letters over my left wrist. It felt naked when the letters weren't there.

I pulled my knees up against my chest and rested my chin on them, pressing my shins against the desk. Fang pressed the note into my shoulder, and I grabbed it before it could fall.

where will you go?

I thought for a moment, chewing my lower lip, before scribbling, Anywhere that isn't here. Probably New York City. I have enough money for bus fare.

New York was huge. Big enough to get lost in, and never be found.

you're going to take a bus from New Jersey to New York?

I could practically hear the skepticism through his chicken-scratch. I sighed. Yeah, I was planning on it.

why?

Because I don't feel safe here.

Saved by the bell, once again. I gathered my things and hurried from the room.

"Max!"

I turned around in my chair and saw a curly brown head racing towards me across the crowded cafeteria. I stood up just in time for her to crash into me.

"Nudge," I sighed, letting my head drop on top of her's.

"I didn't think you would come back. I mean, I know you said you would see me at school, but I thought you'd-"

(She knows you're a liar.)

"I know." I pulled back and smiled, patting her shoulder and giving her a once over. She still looked okay. She narrowed her eyes at me and tugged on a piece of my short hair.

"You cut your hair?"

"Yeah." I forced a chuckle and shrugged. "Was in the mood for something different, I guess."

"Did you do it yourself?" She raised an eyebrow as I flushed and looked down.

"Yeah, maybe."

She laughed and pulled me into another hug. She threw her stuff by the chair next to mine and pulled me down to sit with her, chattering happily away. I let my brain switch off and melted into the glow my sister for all intents-and purposes put off without even trying.

"You ready to go?"

I looked up from my spot on the ground and squinted into the watery winter sun. Fang was standing over me, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his hand wrapped around the strap.

People milled about around us, getting into cars and onto bikes, setting out for home. I was sitting under a flight of outdoor stairs, headphones in my ears, iPod in one gloved hand, a cigarette dangling from the other. The gloves were the same ones Fang had given me yesterday. They smelled like him. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

It was a gift- the iPod, I mean- from foster mom number three, the one before Anne. She was nice, but then she got lung cancer from smoking so much. I stole her last pack of cigarettes and smoked one for the first time the night she stopped breathing forever. I didn't go to the funeral.

I took a drag off my cigarette, long and slow, and tried not to think about my blackening lungs.

(You hope that they'll kill you faster.)

(Sometimes our addictions are all we have.)

"Go where?" I asked, a trickle of smoke bleeding out of my mouth. I traced a finger through the dirt at my side, drawing a stick figure and then smudging it out.

"Home."

I scoffed, training my eyes on his shoes. "I don't have a home."

I heard him sigh, before his backpack fell to the ground and kicked up a pile of dust. It made my eyes water. He sat next to me on the concrete.

I brushed my ragged hair away from my face and sucked my lower lip between my teeth. He crossed his arms over his knees and turned his head to stare at me. I puffed on my cigarette and tried to ignore him until it got to be too much.

"What?" I asked, and blew a line of smoke into his face. He waved it away and glared at me.

"You realize smoking kills people, right?"

"I'm aware," I replied, giving the cigarette a dark look, brow furrowed and head tilted like I was contemplating something. I dropped it to the ground and stepped on it, smashing it to nothing in the dirt, and wiped my hands on my jeans. "Happy?"

"Not particularly."

I dug in my backpack until I found a package of gum, and popped a piece in my mouth. I offered the pack to Fang, and he took a strip with half a smile.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Come on, let's go. Too cold out here."

"I can't. I have to go to the bus station and buy a ticket."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Gonna walk to the bus station? Twelve blocks from here?"

"I've walked further."

"Okay, no. Gonna end up getting kidnapped and raped or something."

I winced and shrugged, suddenly very upset with myself for stubbing out my cigarette. "Yeah, well, wouldn't be the first time."

(Stupid.)

(So fucking stupid.)

I heard him suck in a breath so fast that it caught in his throat and he choked a little. Shit, that was a mistake.

"Wh-what?"

I rubbed my hand over my eyes and down the back of my neck, where I twirled my fingers in the short hairs there and held on. "Jesus, nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Max, you-"

"Hey, Maxie!"

My heart stopped beating.

I looked out from between the gaps in the steps to the road and swore under my breath as my heart suddenly came back to life and began to thump wildly. Parked at the curb was a silver Honda civic with a taped over back window. Samuel grinned at me from the driver's seat.

"Shit. Shit, oh God," I muttered. My stomach lurched. Lace your sneakers. Just get out, just leave, just go. Run. Get away.

I jumped up and looked around. The campus was mostly empty now; everyone had gone home.

"Max, what is it?"

"Oh God." I panted, racking my brain. Which way to run? Could I get away fast enough? Jesus, oh God. "Fuck." I ran a hand through my hair, gripping the ends and tugging on it. Sam was getting out of the car. He was getting out of the car. God what do I do? Should I run, should I scream? I turned to the side entrance of the school and pulled on the door, but it caught; locked. Fuck.

Fang stood and grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand out of my hair, and spun me around to face him. "Max. What. Is. It?"

Dead weight over my whole body.

"I- he- he-" I couldn't meet Fang's eyes.

Silver moonlight. Hardwood floor pressed against my spine.

I turned to look over my shoulder and my heart dropped to my toes when I saw that he was getting closer. "Fang."

"Hey, it's okay. Just tell me what to do." Fang's voice was low in my ear and he sounded as panicked as I felt, his nails digging into my shoulders where he held me.

Vomit in sink, clothes on.

"Help."

"Who is he?"

"C'mon, Maxie!" I could hear the sick grin in his voice. "I won't bite."

Lace your sneakers.

"Hey, man. Get lost," Fang called. He moved me so that I was standing partially behind him. I gripped the back of his jacket in my hands and held on for dear life.

"Is that what you want, Maxie?" Sam asked. "You want me to leave?"

Just get out, just leave, just go.

My hands shook, palms sweaty. I let my head rest against Fang's back, turning slightly so I could still see around him. He was warm, sturdy. He grounded me, made me feel real. He smelled like soap and slight spice—cologne of some sort.

Run.

"Dude, just fuck off." His voice was low and hard; I felt it rumble in his chest. I tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone dry. There was a faint buzzing in my ears. I wondered fleetingly if I was going to pass out.

"Alright, alright." Sam held up his hands in surrender, a sick grin on his face. "I'll go. But I'll be seeing you, Maxie." He met my eyes and grinned, and I blanched. Nausea rolled in my stomach, and I bit the inside of my cheek as hard as I could to keep it down.

Get away.

I watched him as he went back to his car, got in it, and drove away. As soon as his car disappeared around the corner, I released Fang's jacket and collapsed to my knees, pressing one hand against my chest and the other against the ground in a feeble attempt to stabilize myself. "Not safe," I breathed. "Not safe, not safe, not safe." I bit down on my lower lip so hard that it spit open again, warmth trickling down my chin and dripping red on the concrete.

Fang dropped down next to me and placed a hand on my back, but I shoved him away weakly.

"Don't-don't touch me. Please, just give me a second." My voice shook and my breath shuddered as I tried to calm my racing heart.

"You're bleeding," he murmured, tilting my chin up with the lightest touch. I let him angle my face towards him so he could see my lip. He pulled his sleeve over his thumb and wiped the blood away gently, the fabric soft against my cold skin. My entire body was trembling, my muscles jumping from the tension coursing through them. He kept his hand under my chin, barely touching me, and I licked the rest of the blood from my lip.

"Max, who was he?" Fang asked quietly. I inhaled the icy air as he stared at me.

"I think you know."

I fell sideways and closed my eyes, the cold concrete against my cheek bringing me back to Earth. The panic in my chest slowly began to ebb, leaving a hollow ache in its place. I let a slow breath slide through my teeth.

"He the guy who-?"

"Yes."

Fang swore gently under his breath. I looked up at him- he looked furious. His hands clenched into fists at his sides; his mouth drew into a thin line.

"When?"

"The other night, when you found me on the sidewalk." I sat up slowly, the blood rushing to my brain and pounding in my ears.

"Son of a bitch. And I kicked you out the next morning." He closed his eyes and ran his hand over his mouth. "I knew you looked beat up, I just assumed-"

"It wasn't your fault." I shrugged and looked down at my hands. They were shaking. "It was mine. I'd been leading him on for weeks. I got high at his house all the time. He's a dealer who shares his stash with pretty girls. I just never thought he would eventually charge me for it. I guess I deserved it."

"Bullshit."

My head snapped up, eyes growing wide. He shook his head, looking even angrier than before.

"Wasn't your fault, Max. You don't deserve to be treated like trash- like you're not a human being."

(Lies.)

(And you know it.)

"You don't know me, Fang. You don't know the things I've done. You don't know what I deserve." My shaking fingers pushed back my ragged hair and I stood up, leaning heavily against the wall of the school.

"Nobody deserves that, Max. Don't care what you think did."

My eyebrows shot up, and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to wipe that stupid, pitying look off his face. "Oh yeah? I killed my family. How about that?"

I turned around and stalked off, leaving him gaping at my retreating back.