TW: Attempted self-harm
Rate yourself and rake yourself
That night when I come home to our apartment I see her standing in the kitchen with a knife on her wrist, vertically.
I snatch it from her hand. Tears run down my face, because I'm confronted with the fact that she's so broken.
"I- I almost-" she sobs as if in disbelief of her own actions.
"I know. You're okay. I'm here. Let's talk about it, okay?" I say, wiping tears from my eyes, and pulling her to my chest while guiding her into our living room.
"What happened?" I ask sitting on our couch
"I- I just lost it. I- don't know."
"I think you do." I pry
"I'm not strong, like everyone thinks, I just broke down. Everyday I see people who just experienced the single worst day of their lives and I don't do what's best for them. I tell them to drag out the experience, relive it in court! How am I any better than my father? We both make people experience go through the closest thing one can get to hell on earth. At least he didn't try to tell his victims that if they didn't go through with it they're partially responsible if the same thing happens to someone else. At least he didn't make his victims live out their shame publicly. At least he didn't call what he did giving out justice! I'm not better than my father, I'm worse!" Her cries begin a storm surge in my eyes, tears spilling over into the floodplain of my cheeks, before breaking past the sea wall of my chin and wetting my blouse.
"Olivia" I enunciate each syllable slowly while still allowing the name to flow, my voice was soft, but about an octave lower than normal, I tried to correct for the shakiness of my voice, I place both hands on her cheeks, that were red hot and as damp as my own, and turn her face towards mine to create intense eye contact as I go on to tell her "You are not your father. You help these people, you give them justice because you give them closure. When you convince victims to do a kit, you do it because you know they'll believe it's their fault if it happens again to someone else if they didn't do all they could to prevent it, and you don't make them relive their assault publicly- I do." My voice is full of passion, my words fall into the same rhythm and dynamic as in the courtroom. My voice does not shake. Not until I admit that I truly am the villain -because there my voice takes the same decrescendo, the same octave and the same scared and unsure vertebrado that it had when I originally spoke her name.
"Oh Alex" She cries, her eyebrows scrunching apologetically "I don't think that about you! I don't know why I can't change my beliefs about myself!"
"Liv, you need to see someone, get help."
"I- I will. I promise."
"When?" I ask, knowing that Olivia won't get around to it.
"Tomorrow, I set up the appointment -last time." Her voice becomes softer.
We sit in a comfortable silence for a few moments until Olivia breaks it.
"Alex?" she whimpers.
"Yes?"
"Will you hold me?" She asks.
"Of course." I answer, wrapping my arms around her.
After a half hour I guide her into our bedroom, we change and go to sleep, it being 9 at this point, and we both have work tomorrow.