The wooden stairs creaked under her feet as she climbed them slowly, her hand sliding across the wall just as it had done thousands of times in her life. She reached the door at the top and turned the knob, peeking her head around it. Taylor was sitting on the bed, headphones on and several textbooks littering the quilt. She was writing furiously, her pencil in one hand and a highlighter in the other, chewing on her lip.

"Taylor?"

She started at the sound, then settled back, pulling her headphones off and taking a deep breath.

"You scared me."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to. I was going to ask if you were busy, but that seems like a dumb question."

"Yeah, I'm a little busy."

"Can I have five minutes?"

Taylor sighed and nodded, moving the books off her lap while Lindsay sat down on the side of the bed.

"Anything going on you want to tell me about?"

"No, not really."

"Anything going on that you don't want to tell me about but that I should probably know?"

"Nope."

"So the reason for your sullen withdrawnness is that you want to be just like Kristen Stewart?"

"I'm just really busy, Linds."

"Okay. Well if you ever feel like you want to talk… you know, like we used to, you know where to find me."

She stood up and headed for the door, disappointed that the talk wasn't going to go exactly the way she had planned. She had had a fleeting thought that this might happen, but had dismissed it. Surely Taylor would spill the beans. Surely she would come clean about whatever was happening in her world. That's what always happened right?

She was halfway out the door when a small timid voice stopped her in her tracks.

"My mom died."

Lindsay shook her head, certain she had heard the wrong thing.

"What?"

"She died. Three months ago. She was in North Dakota. They told me it was a drug overdose. They called and wanted me to identify the body and make funeral arrangements. But I didn't. I never called them back, I just forgot it happened. And now… it's too late. She's just a Jane Doe now. I don't even know where they buried her or what happened."

Lindsay sank back down on the bed not knowing what to say or do or even what to think.

"I'm okay I think. I've dealt with her death. But I'm mad at myself. I couldn't forgive her long enough to even give her a name. And that… Linds, that means I'm selfish like her."

"No it doesn't."

"It feels like it does. I don't know maybe I didn't deal with it. Maybe I miss her or something. I just… I haven't been okay since then. I'm just so mad. Nothing is fair. I just want to change it. And I can't and that frustrates me because for once I had the opportunity to make peace with her. And I didn't take it. All my life, all I've wanted was that. To put it behind me, to look at her and not see what she did wrong. And I threw that away. I can't get it back either. I don't know what to do. And then I get mad at her again because she was selfish and stupid and she did this to herself and I'm stuck dealing with it now. I'm the strong one, I'm the adult once again and it sucks."

She grabbed her book again, cracking it open a little more violently than was needed and picked up where she had left off, her brow furrowing in concentration.

"Taylor, stop."

"I have to get this done, Linds."

"You will, but that's not important right this second."

"It is to me."

"Be that as it may, I think you're avoiding things."

"I'll deal with it later, after things slow down. I have to finish this term and then I'll think about it."

"Sweetheart, you can't do that. People aren't wired that way. You can't just turn off a feeling because it's not convenient."

"So what, you want me to sit here like a blubbering fool and cry about it until I can't cry anymore, and then it's supposed to be better?"

"I never said that. Get mad when you're mad. Cry when you're sad. Do whatever you need to do. But don't close yourself off to the world."

"It's safer that way."

"I know exactly what you mean by that, but honey sometimes things are too big for you to hold alone. Especially when you don't have to."

"You've been telling me that for years. Why do I still do this?"

"Because you're stubborn. You don't want to be a burden, you don't want to be weak and you don't want pity. And you're scared. You don't think anyone will understand and it will all be a waste."

"I don't know what to do, Linds. I don't know how I'm even supposed to feel. I'm just… I'm tired of being the grown up. I don't want to do it anymore."

"There are things you can let go of."

"Like what?"

"School. You don't have to go full time. You don't have to work full time either. You need to have space to breathe, and running from class to work then home to study isn't making this any easier. Yes, maybe it helps you to forget, but it doesn't make it better."

"Because I end up keeping it all in and then I don't say anything about anything because I'm afraid a little bit might leak out."

"Yes."

"I learned that from you."

"I know. And I'm sorry, I never meant to teach you that."

They were quiet for a while, Lindsay leaning back against the footboard and racking her brain for something to say.

"I don't miss her," Taylor started, looking out the window. "I thought that after a while I might. You know that saying about no one being a saint until their funeral. I thought it would be like that. I would remember all the good parts. But then I realized there were none. I can't remember a time when she wasn't drunk or high or in jail. She always picked that over me. She'd get out of jail and be shooting up less than an hour later. I can't remember one time in my whole life when she wasn't like that. Even when I was really little, I knew something was wrong with her. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know it had to do with all the people that always seemed to be filtering in and out of our apartment. I didn't know it was why she slept all day long. But I knew something was off. I knew it was wrong. And maybe it made me stronger, but I don't think it was worth it. And I didn't get any say in it either. I didn't get to say it wasn't fair or that I wanted something different. I just had to live in it. So I can't even mourn because I really don't feel it. And I feel guilty for not feeling it, then mad that she still has that power and then I go back to not feeling anything."

"You know there's nothing wrong with that, right? There's no guideline of how you're supposed to feel."

"I know. But wouldn't people look at me and think I was heartless because I haven't cried?"

"Anyone who thinks that has never had to go through what you went through. And it doesn't matter what other people think either. You're gonna feel how you feel and that's all there is to it."

"I'm not psycho?"

"You are definitely not psycho."

"Good."

"I love you and I'm always here for you. And whatever you're afraid of, it's not going to happen with me. I promise. I know I messed up, but that had nothing to do with you. It won't happen again."

"Okay."

The door opened again and Tessa peeked inside.

"Gramma says dinner's ready and you two should hurry up before it gets cold."

"Okay, we're coming," Lindsay said before Tessa scampered off from whence she came.

"Can we talk more later? I miss you."

"We can talk as much as you want."

"I think I can put off the homework for a while."

"It's a date."

Colton looked around the room and sighed, sticking his finger in his mouth and chewing on the end of it. He was nervous around all these new people and it made him have an upset feeling in his stomach. He really wanted to just go home now, even if he had been having a great time playing outside. He would rather be in his own house with his own family. Of course, mama and daddy said that these people were his family; his aunts and uncles and cousins. But he didn't know them and he didn't like being around people he didn't know, especially grown ups.

"Daddy?" he asked, tugging on Adam's sleeve and staring up at him.

"What's up dude?"

He didn't know what to say, and he furrowed his brow for a second.

"My tummy hurts."

Adam was suddenly on high alert, picking him up and checking his forehead.

"Does it hurt like you want to be sick?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to go and get some fresh air with me?"

"Just you an' me?"

"Yeah, just us."

"Okay."

They slipped out the back door and into the yard, where Adam laid down in the grass and looked up at the sky. Colton followed suit and sighed, pulling his arms under his head.

"It too loud in the house," he said after a minute.

"Yeah, mama's family gets that way."

"We can go home now?"

"Nah, we're staying for a few more days. I thought you were having fun."

"Yeah, with papa."

"But now you're not having fun?"

"I want my home. We have family dinner."

"But this is a family dinner."

"No daddy. With Austin and Danny and Isa Sarah Junior."

"You like that family better?"

"Yes."

"That's okay. I know mama's family can be kind of overwhelming, but you'll like it more when you get bigger."

"What's 'whelmin' daddy?"

"Overwhelming. It's like… remember last week when you turned my stereo up and when it came on it was so loud you ran and hid under your bed?"

"Yeah."

"That's kind of like overwhelming."

"That how my tummy hurt?"

"Probably."

"Oh."

"It happens to me sometimes too."

"Really? But you is a big man, daddy."

"I know. But sometimes I get overwhelmed or nervous. And I talk too fast. Or sometimes my tummy gets upset. You know when I married your mama I got really nervous."

"How come?"

"I don't know."

"Did your tummy hurt and you want to be sick?"

"Kind of. But then mama held my hand and I was okay."

"When else it happen, daddy?"

"The very first day I worked at the lab. Actually, probably the whole first year I worked at the lab. Sometimes you just have to face your fears and do what you gotta do."

"That's what mama say 'bout broccoli."

"Ew, broccoli!"

Colton giggled and climbed up to sit on Adam's stomach.

"My tummy's better. Let's wrestle."

"Wrestle? Are you sure you wanna take me on?"

"I will win you, daddy."

Adam laughed and tickled his son, sending him into fits of giggles. They rolled around on the ground for a long time playfully pinching and pushing each other until Adam gave up and laid down again, catching his breath while Colton climbed up onto his chest and settled down.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too buddy."

"You be my daddy forever?"

"Yep. Forever."

"And I be your buddy?"

"Always."

"I down with that."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Danny say it all the time."

"We've got to get you some friends your own age."

"Okay."

"What are you two doin' out here?" Lindsay asked stepping out onto the porch.

"Just chillin'."

"Yeah mama, just chillin'."

She chuckled and joined them on the ground, breathing deeply while Colton reached over to play with her hair.

"Hey mama?"

"Yeah?"

"You get a hurt tummy when you 'whelmed?"

"When I'm what?"

"Overwhelmed," Adam clarified. "It's a little too loud and crowded in the house for us."

"Oh, I see. I don't really get an upset tummy when I'm overwhelmed. I either laugh or cry."

"It make you sad?"

"No, sometimes it just makes me stressed out and frustrated."

"Oh. Then why you laugh?"

"Because sometimes that's all you can do."

"Oh, okay. Mama, does granna gots dessert in there?"

"Yeah, there's been talk of pie."

"What kind?"

"Knowing your grandma, probably a couple different ones."

"We can go have some?"

"Yeah we can."

He sat up happily and tugged on their hands.

"I could try them all?"

"You can pick one kind to have and then it's going to be time for bed."

He nodded and pulled them towards the house, his previous nervousness overshadowed by the prospect of pie.

"Mama, I could call Isa to say night-night?"

Lindsay looked at her watch and sighed, figuring Isa the night-owl was still up anyway.

"Yeah, go ahead and get a piece of pie and we'll call her."

He clapped his hands in delight and followed Adam into the kitchen. Lindsay pulled her phone out of her pocket and sat down on the porch steps, leaning back against the railing and hitting the speed dial 2.

"Hey redneck. What's up?"

"I'm not a redneck Austin."

"Eh, close enough. So what's up? The reunion wasn't today was it?"

"No, it's tomorrow. I am pretty sure you're going to get a phone call after that though."

"I guessed."

"Isa still up? Colton wanted to say goodnight to her."

"Well if that isn't the cutest thing in the world. Yeah, she's sitting here waiting for her toes to dry."

"You painted her toenails?"

"Yes. And before you start making fun of me for being girly, I painted them dark purple."

"All is right with the world once again. Unless you painted yours too."

"She wanted us to match."

"I can't wait to have a girl."

"You can share mine until then."

"Sounds good. Okay, Colton's giving me the puppy dog face."

"Alright. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too."

She handed the phone off and Colton took it happily.

"Hi Isa, it's me. What doin'? … I just eating some pie… Yeah, it tastes really good. My granna maked it… I rided a horsey today with mama. We even runned, Isa. We go so fast. Next time you can come okay? … No, not a unicorn horse, just a horse. He's brown and he called Calypso and his mama is called Calliope and his gramma is called Cleopatra and she was my mama's horse… No, Ben stay here with granna… Okay, I can talk later. I love you. See you next time."

He hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his head on Lindsay's shoulder.

"We can ride horses 'gain tomorrow?"

"We're pretty busy tomorrow, but I promise we'll ride again before we have to go home."

He nodded and finished off his small piece of pie, the fork clattering into the bowl.

"I ready for bedtime now. Daddy tuck me in."

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning."

She kissed him and watched him follow Adam into the house before tipping her head back to look at the sky. She wasn't looking forward to tomorrow, but it was just one day, and she knew that she needed it. In twenty four hours it would all be over. Everything from that time would finally be at peace.