TW: Detailed descriptions of Bulimia
And it was your heart on the line
One week later I ask her again, she shuts me out, again.
"Liv, please baby, we need to talk about it." I beg.
"No" she maintains adamantly like a stubborn toddler.
Not wanting to repeat the previous week I stop. We retreat to bed and I can't sleep. My heart plagued by the pain of her not being willing to open up to me, maybe I'm not good enough. In that moment an all too familiar voice that I thankfully hadn't heard from since sophomore year of college creeps back in
Of course you're not good enough. He taunts look how fat you are.
We battle again
Shut up. I tell him, although, not out loud
You can't control yourself.
Shut up.
How could you ever be enough for her
Shut up, I'm great just the way I am, she loves me.
Really? Why should she?
Well, I'm smart.
But you're fat.
That doesn't matter
Yes it does.
No, I'm a grown-up, pretty isn't important anymore
Yes it is.
Well I'm pretty enough.
If you were, Liv would be happy.
It's the job that's upsetting her.
No, it's not. Go, you don't deserve it, and you certainly don't deserve her.
I won't.
Do it
No.
GO!
I quietly slip out of the bed to punish myself. In the bathroom I take an old toothbrush and walk to the toilet. I ram the plastic rod down my throat, I cough and gag. I try again and a small amount of my dinner comes up
Don't quit now, you're so close.
The third try I regurgitate more into the bowl.