Oh when I asked santa about wearing condoms on his head to keep warm he said "Only when I dress up." But wouldn't he dress up on xmas eve to deliver pressies? I'm telling all midgets, immature people and children not to try and catch santa. They would become mentally scarred (like me). (Santa also confessed to being the ultimate peado lord and raping shaun the sheep xD) Today when I was supposed to be doing the dishes with my sister I decided to learn to juggle with oranges (even though I can't even catch – I'm ssooooo uncoordinated) I threw them pretty high and one hit the roof and exploded, my mum just about done the same when she seen the mess – this is getting really long – so now… I SHALL WRITE **fireworks go off**

CHAPTER 22:

Fletcher felt Valkyrie tossing and turning in the bed beside him, he couldn't blame her; she had nightmares all the time. He usually had to comfort her at three in the morning when she woke up screaming or crying, he didn't think he'd had any decent sleep in about six months. Fletcher looked at the alarm clock, it was one fifty two. He sung happy birthday to himself silently before turning over and going back to sleep.

He felt someone shoving his shoulder and telling him to wake up. "Go away, it's too early." The someone shoved herder, it was Valkyrie and she was crying. "Fletch. C'mon get up." He opened his eyes and seen her eyes were wide, she looked pale and scared. "Whut?"

"Fletch, I think the babies are coming."

"How do you know?"

"Valkyrie Cain does not piss herself." Fletcher sat up quickly and hugged her.

"It's going to be okay Val. You're fine."

"It hurts."

"How long."

"Couple hours."

"Should have woken me."

"Do something, please. It really hurts."

"I'm going to get Skulduggery. He can drive us to the hospital."

"Why can't we just teleport?"

"Because I can't teleport when I'm shitting myself."

"You're not exited?"

"I am but I can't stand to see you in pain. SKULDUGGERY MOTHERFUCKING PLEASANT! GET YOUR BONY, FRAGMENTED ARSE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Footsteps could be heard on the stairs. Fletcher helped Valkyrie to get dressed into her cottons and t-shirt then he put his dressing gown on her, it was too big but it kept her warm. "What's going on? It's early. Fletcher I know you're excited about your birthday and all but since when was I a motherfucker?" Valkyrie cried out and grabbed his shoulder. "Val needs you. Now drive her to the hospital so you can become a grandpa."

Valkyrie sat on Fletcher's knee in the back of the Bentley. Skulduggery was Best Behaviour by N-dubz really loud, "Mate, shut up and drive."

"Val! I'm hyper here, I'm gonna be a grampa, I'm gonna be a prampa, I'm gonna be a gram-"

"Dude! Seriously!"

"Sorry Val. Lord please help me find my keys or I'm knocking down my own doooooooorr."

"Why are we stopping? Are we picking up Ghastly or something?" Valkyrie looked at Bespoke Taylor's, it looked grubby and disgusting but she knew it was exquisite on the inside. Tanith danced out of the door and Ghastly followed, carefully locking up the shop. Valkyrie cried out and kicked Skulduggery's seat. "Val! No! None of that in this car! Nobody damages my baby." He dug around in his coat and Valkyrie thought he was going to shoot her but he gave her a tub. "Make them last." Inside was the folded leaf that kenspeckle used to give her to dull pain. "You had these all along and you chose only to give me them now!" He nodded and patted the steering wheel affectionately. The leaf worked immediately and Valkyrie relaxed, Tanith rubbed circles on her back and Fletcher rocked her rhythmically, gently from side to side.

At the hospital Fletcher carried her easily from the car, Tanith was impressed, he had seriously improved since she had been possessed. He had become a man. Valkyrie was taken away with Fletcher and she was examined and changed into a hospital gown. "What does that mean?" she asked, Hayley Mirren smiled.

"These babies aren't waiting for anybody. Half an hour at the very most five minutes at the least." Valkyrie's eyes widened and she grabbed Fletcher's arm.

Valkyrie, Fletcher and the midwife disappeared into a soundproof room after Skulduggery had a stern word with the midwife. Hayley didn't mind though, she respected caring people.

Tanith, Skulduggery and Ghastly were sitting on seats in the corridor outside thanks to Skulduggery and his 'waiting room memories'. "I still can't believe they believed you. Your dad was shot dead in a waiting room and his brains went all over your favourite shirt?" Skulduggery shrugged and continued watching the doors. Tanith played with her hair and Ghastly texted someone. "Who you texting?"

"Ravel."

"Ravel can text!" Skulduggery cocked his head at an angle.

"Yes, he uses his fingers and presses buttons on a device called a phone."

"Your sarcasm failed. And don't you guys spend all your time together at work anyway?"

"Hmmm. Would you rather I texted you?"

"I'm sitting right next to you and I've lost my phone."

"How? You had it yesterday."

"Yeah, I know but I dropped down one of the vents in Skulduggery's fridge."

"How?"

"Because I was sucking an elephant's dick! How do you think I dropped it down there?"

"I wonder if elephant's dicks are hairy…"

"Skulduggery, you are such a weirdo. Why don't you go to the zoo and do some investigating. Should I have just said that or will I regret it?"

"Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

"Skulduggery? Skulduggery, please stop dancing. Oh my god. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" The doors opened and Fletcher appeared, he was biting his lip and looked like he was about to cry. "Why you out here? Couldn't stand it?"

"I'm not allowed in because I'm not twenty one."

"But that's not fair. What about Val?"

The door opened again and a nurse appeared. "Miss Tanith Low. Valkyrie has asked for your presence." Tanith nodded and followed the nurse through the doors and into the room.

Fletcher took Tanith's seat and Skulduggery remover his foot from his mouth, he put his clothes back on. "It appears, at first attempt, that you cannot shag yourself. But further investigation shall occur later on." Ghastly's mouth opened slightly and Fletcher grimaced. "I. Am. Mortified."

"And I'm god. Nice to meet you."

"Oh my lord."

"Oh my me."

"What are you doing?"

"It's not appropriate?"

"Definitely not. I'm actually considering arresting you for that."

"Oh. Fletcher, my boy. You are quiet. And I don't like change."

A while later the door opened and a couple of nurses walked out carrying two little bundles wrapped in soft, white blankets. "Fletcher Renn, you can go in now." He nodded and disappeared. Once they were alone Skulduggery turned to Ghastly and smiled. "Do you think you could actually get your moth around and elephant's dick?"

"Not sure."

"Wanna get Ravel, Shudder and Dexter and go find out?"

"Maybe."

"To the zoo?"

"To the zoo."

Sorry but I seen this in eastenders and decided to try it out (it was inspirational). Well, here goes… If anybody was affected or affended by anything in this chapter (Vocabulary, plot e.c.t.) I actually don't really see the point in that now that I've wrote it but I've now wrote my longest chapter yet and if you excuse me I'm away to do a happy-dance :DDD

Skylair xxo