A Week Later
"Hey, how is it going?" a voice behind Cassie asks as she picks up her brothers from day care.
Cassie turns, and realizes that she is about to have a very awkward conversation. It's the man who asked her to call for a play date weeks ago. She just hasn't quite got past the purely survival stage, and not even with Catherine was here, not after her father came back.
"Don't worry, I got the hint when you didn't call. I was just looking for someone to make conversation with while I waited to pick up the kids. I know now that it's not going to be anything more than that."
"I wasn't trying to make a hint or anything. I've just been really busy," she says.
"Please, don't make excuses. I get it. You're a kid. I'm an adult. You've got a kid that you're dating. You're worried he would get all jealous if we hung out together. You don't want to mess up this thing with your little boyfriend; it is completely understandable."
"I'm not a kid."
"I used to think that when I was your age, too; in another half decade you'll feel differently about the matter."
"The guy that I am dating is really immature, though. That's why I'm going to break up with him before too long."
"Really?" the man asks, looking surprised.
"Yeah, he just… doesn't understand grief. I mean, you don't, either. So in a way, I'm older than you," Cassie says, taking a step forward with the line.
"I've suffered grief," he says.
She looks at him in surprise.
"I'm a single dad. My wife died last year."
"I'm so sorry," Cassie says with a sharp and surprised intake of breath. "Do you mind telling me how it happened?"
"She was in the Air Force. Doing something crazy up at Cheyanne Mountain. I never even got a real answer as to how she died. 'In the line of duty' was all they would tell me. What do they mean, 'line of duty'? I mean, that's got to be oversees stuff, in a war zone, right? She was gone sometimes, for a day, but not often. Besides, how far away could she get in a day? There is something weird going on in the mountain."
"That's how my mom died, too."
"Did they tell you anything?" he asks desperately, "Do you know what they do in that mountain?"
She looks away, and shakes her head saying softly, "My mom was a doctor."
"Doctors and airmen, both dying, why?" he ponders softly.
Cassie is relieved when she steps up to the window that second, and requests her brothers. She glances at the man beside her, and realizes that he's about to continue this conversation. She needs a quick distraction.
"James, how about we get the kids together on Saturday at the park?" she asks.
"That works for me," he says with a surprised grin.
"Noon-thirty, then? Right after lunch?" she asks.
"Can we do two instead? That way it wouldn't conflict with my Jaden's nap."
"Ok, I'll see you then," she says, after specifying which park, and scoping her youngest brother off the floor.
Two Days Later
"Where did you say you were going?" Daniel asks, more than a little confused.
"We're just going to the park," Cassie says, trying to shrug as if it's no big deal. The effect is completely unconvincing though.
"If you're just going to the park, why are you rushing so you're going to be there at a certain time?" her father asks.
"I just promised the kids that we'd be to the park by two," she says, and the younger boys bounce up and down saying "park, park" in such a convincing way that most of Daniel's doubts disappear.
"Ok, I'll grab my coat and come along," he says, heading to the closet.
"What? No." Cassie says.
Daniel blinks at her in surprise. "You're still mad at me for the time I didn't spend with my children. I'm trying to spend time with my children. Why are you objecting?"
"Look, you've got the afternoon off child care. You don't have do anything with them all afternoon."
"I want to spend time with my kids, though," he says thinking that is going to settle the matter.
She gets a strange look on her face.
"I see, you're meeting Dominic. I should have known, because I haven't seen him around much lately. I can take the kids the park, and you can go spend time with him," Daniel offers cheerfully.
"Not Dominic," Will says, pulling on his father's sleeve and shaking his head. "James."
"James? Who is James? Did you and Dominic break up?" he asks with concern. He wouldn't want his daughter to have to deal with another loss right now.
"James and I are just friends," she says.
"Ok, and where did you meet him?" Daniel asks.
"Day care," Will offers helpfully; or, from his sister's point of view, unhelpfully.
"Oh, is he a worker there?" Daniel asks casually.
"No, he's a Daddy," Will protests.
"He's a father of a kid in daycare? How old is this friend of yours?"
"Its fine, Daniel," she grumbles.
"So he's old, now I'm really hoping that you were tell the truth about this guy just being a friend. Willie, how old is James' son?"
Will holds up his hand to indicate the child's height. It's not an exact answer of course, but it does the trick.
"I'm definitely going to go along," Daniel says decidedly as he puts an arm into his coat.
"Daniel!" Cassie protests with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.
"Well, if he's just a friend, what harm is there in my coming?" Daniel asks quite pointedly.
"I don't like you hanging out when my girlfriends come over to chat, either. Besides, I'm going to have a lot of little chaperones. Especially one who likes to tattle on his big sister," she says, giving Will a playful poke in the ribs.
"I would still be willing to come," Daniel says.
"We're fine," Cassie says, kneeling down to help Drew put on his coat.
-0-0-0-
Cassie can't remember the last time that she laughed this hard. James told so many funny stories about his son. The same sorts of things had happened to Cassie since she started taking care of her siblings, she just didn't know that you were allowed to laugh at them.
"Don't eat the dirt, Jayden!" James calls out to his son.
The little boy nods his head gravely, and then begins to stick a caterpillar in his mouth.
"Don't eat that either! If it isn't food, don't eat it!" James proclaims.
The boy sits the caterpillar down, and then picks up a rock, "Food?" he queries.
James and Cassie both burst into laughter, and the boy begins to move the rock to his mouth.
"Come here, munchkin; are you hungry?" Cassie asks, pulling a pack of fruit snacks out of the backpack-turned-diaper bag that she carries with her at all times.
"Ah, she comes prepared."
"You've got to be prepared with little ones. They always want something to eat or drink, except, you know, at actual meal times."
"Isn't that the truth?" James says with a sigh. "You spend all the time to make a home cooked meal for them, and suddenly everything but the meal is interesting."
"Well, unless it's on your plate. If it's on your plate, they'll eat it. Especially if you tell them not to. More especially if their hands are grubby."
"That's a trick I'll have to try. I can't get this little one to eat. His mother was always so good at that," James says wistfully.
Jayden finishes a few fruit snacks, and then wonders off.
Cassie holds out the remainder to James, who pops a few in his mouth. She puts the rest in her own. It's an intimate action, three people sharing food out of a single hand.
"So… you're looking pretty good for someone who just broke up with her boyfriend," James says cautiously.
"We didn't actually break up."
"Yet?"
"I don't, know it's complicated."
"Not really, do you love him?"
"Dominic is a great guy."
"Just not the right guy for you."
"He used to be."
"What changed?"
She sighs, "I grew up, and he didn't. I keep thinking, 'Maybe he will grow up. Maybe I won't have to break his heart'."
James sits in silence for a while before he almost whispers, "Does he make you happy?"
Cassie stares into the distance past her siblings' playing forms for a few seconds, before she says, "Who decided that was the measure of a life? There are so many other questions you could ask. Does he make me a better person? Does he treat me right? Does he let me be me?"
"Does he make you happy?" James asks again.
"It's not like he makes me sad," she says.
James leans back against the bench, putting just a bit of extra distance between Cassie and himself. "You know what I think, Cass? I think life is tough enough already. It's full of things like work and death and people who don't give a damn about each other. It's not fair or equal or nice. So when you find something in life that makes you smile, I think you cling to it, you gather those things together like precious gems. You keep gathering that stuff all up, until there is no room for anything else, not even for things like grief or pain or guilt."
Cassie looks at Olivia, swinging upside-down from the monkey bars.
"Cassie, you're one of my smiles."
She turns to look at him, "You actually want to be more than friends, don't you?"
"I know I'm old for you. I know you've got a boyfriend. So if I can only have you as a friend, I'm ok with that."
"I'm eighteen, and maybe… give me some time with the boyfriend problem," she says.
The Next Day
Dominic doesn't know quite what to say to Cassie. He never really knew what to say to someone who has lost someone. He used up the few things he did know were right on the first couple days after her mom's death.
Now he just talks about school or TV or anything to fill the silence.
They sit in her backyard after dark. She tucked all of her siblings in before they came out here. They are all back to their own beds, unless there is a bad dream or some little thing prompts a memory of their mother.
Cassie sits there, and takes his hand.
He stops talking, it's the first time romantic physical contact that they've had since her mother died. He squeezes her hand.
"When I was twelve, I went to this week long camp. It was the most fun I'd ever had. All year I thought about going back, and seeing all my friends again. I went the next year, and was miserable. I kept trying to figure out what had changed. It was the same cabin, the same counselors, the same songs, and crafts, and the same canoe. See, it wasn't the camp that had changed, it was me."
Dominic nods his head. He can feel that there is some sort of a metaphor in there, but he can't quite grasp it.
"Dominic, I love you."
"I love you, too," he says cheerfully. Now they are back to something that he understands.
"I've just outgrown you."
He bristles, "So, I'm summer camp, then? I'm some fun adventure that you outgrow."
"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant… we've both outgrown each other."
"What did I do wrong? I don't know what to do in this situation, it's true, but you can show me, teach me, train me. I can be what you want me to be."
She shakes her head, "Dominic, you're going away to college soon…"
"So are you."
She shakes her head.
"What? Of course you are! You've got amazing grades."
"I have three kids to raise."
"No, your dad has three kids to raise."
"That's the point, Dom, you don't understand. I have to take care of them! That changes everything."
"Your dad was sick for, like, a week, and you had to watch your younger siblings. Don't be such a freaking martyr about it."
"Are you kidding me? Sick? That's what you're going to call it? No, just no," she says, walking away. She hadn't pictured this as an angry break up, but maybe all break-ups are.
"Oh, come on, Cassie, he's back now. It's nothing to give up your future over! It's nothing to give up us over," he calls after her.
She turns, just before the door, and faces him, "You know what, Dominic. Maybe it's not even that. Maybe it's not that I have to lead this whole other life, and you're not ready for it. Maybe it's that you weren't willing to lead it with me. Maybe, even if I don't raise them, I needed you to be willing to raise them with me. Maybe, even if I end up going to college, you needed to be alright with me not going to college. Maybe, I needed you to lay next to me and hold me on the nights where I was alone."
"You were never alone, you were sleeping with a dog pile with all of the kids."
"Exactly, because they were for there for me when I needed them."
It's only when she gets into the house that she begins to sob.
He'd made her happy once. She'd loved him once. The fact that both sentences were in the past tense was reason enough to cry.