Tuesday

It was now 5 a.m. on the morning of the next day, Tuesday morning. I was in the white rectangular bathtub, sitting in the hot foggy water. I needed it, desperately. A small, thin, silver razor blade was on the edge of the bathtub. The white wooden door was closed and locked and everyone in the house, except my dad, was asleep. My dad was already at the store. The steam rose around me in the white bathroom, fogging up the silver metal mirrors of which I was terrified. What if it's that story in Alice In Wonderland? What if it's not just a story? What if nothing's just a story?

I ran through the events of the past few hours in my head as I leaned back into the water. My permanent black hair dye didn't come out; it never did. My hair floated up and around me in the bath water as I went under. My black nails needed to be painted again. Everything was silent and time lasted forever.

Yesterday had been alrite, pretty quiet though. Nothing much happened during the day. At night, Leo and I went clubbing. A few hours afterwards, Eric caught me, drinkin and smoking. He drove me home. Luckily, I wasn't drunk.

We had a huge fight. Eric said he wouldn't tell Mom or Dad. Even though I was still angry with him I knew he had a point; would I rather have him find out, or Mom or Dad? I knew he couldn't punish me, he didn't have the authority too. Mom and Dad did. In a way, I was glad he caught me, for that reason. And, even though Eric was angry, he was also probably glad I was with a good friend. Leo wouldn't let anything happen to me. I knew someone else who wouldn't; Shawn Hunter, my brother Cory's best friend. He was a really nice guy once you got to know him. Er……well, if anything did happen to me, I knew what Leo and Shawn would do to the guy.

I slowly came out of the water a bit, just enough to reach the razor blade. I came up out of the water a bit more so I could sit up. Then, I put my wrist under water and started cutting. I wasn't suicidal I just wanted to cut, to bleed my emotions out.

After I was done, I let the blade slowly fall, sink to the bottom of the tub, staining the warm bath water as did the blood from my wrist, looking like red food colouring. I then started crying, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could.

A few minutes later I heard a light knock on the door.

"Morgan?" my mom asked. "Morgan, honey?"

I sucked in my breath, partially from the pain and partially cuz I didn't want to be caught, and managed to stop crying for a few seconds.

"Morgan?" my mom repeated.

I said nothing.

"Are you alrite in there?"

I still said nothing.

"I'm going to go get Eric."

I heard my mom leave. It surprised me that she actually cared. But, I guess surprising things can happen when you're in the state of mind I was. I let out the breath I had been holding.

I heard another knock, this one heavier because, being a guy, Eric had bigger hands than my mom and I did.

"Hey Morgan?" I heard Eric say.

I looked towards the door, knowing he couldn't see me, but also letting him know somehow that I knew he was there.

"Morgan um Mom sent me up here," he continued.

I realized how odd it was to talk to someone through a door. I almost smiled at this because it didn't make any sense. Nothing seemed to these days.

"Morgan…………." Eric said, not sure if I was listening or not. I thought the fact that I hadn't said anything implied that I was. But for all he knew I could've been underwater.

"Morgan, listen," Eric began; "I…………I'm sorry about earlier, this morning. It was just one of those in-the-moment things. Anyway I hope you're ok. Are you? No, of course not. That's a stupid question," he concluded. "well…….I hope you're not still angry with me. I just, well………..please, be careful. Breakfast is ready, if you want some. Or I could even bring some up here. If you don't mind, I'm going to call Leo. Or, you can call him. Or tell him yourself. I'll give you that option."

A tear rolled down my cheek at his kindness.

Eric paused; "Morgan…………..are you ok?"

I took a shaky deep breath; "I," I said, then realized how quiet I was; "I……I will be."

"Ok," Eric said, then, again, softer; "ok."

He left.

I got out of the tub, dried myself off, dripping from my wrist onto the white tile floor the entire way to the white sink. I opened the silver mirrored door of the small med cabinet, got a gauze roll out and wrapped it around my wrist. I then put my black robe on. Even if it was dark, black, the colour of death, I was glad to have it to wrap around me.

I then walked out of the bathroom and down the maroon carpeted hall to my room, passing Eric's on the way. I stood at his doorway for a minute until he looked up and noticed me.

"Hi," I said timidly.

"Hey Morgan," he said.

"Um the bathroom I…………it's kind of a mess and I don't want mom and dad finding out. Could you?"

"Yeah sure."

"Thanks."

"Uh huh."

"I'll tell Leo, by the way."

"Ok."

I continued down the hall to my room. It was morning, and I had survived.