Here's chapter 12! I would have actually had it up sooner but my internet keeps crashing on me. Bad wifi, I guess. Well, enjoy!
Oh, and reviews are like crack to me...so review, please! :)
Nick shut his bedroom door behind him and moved across the room to sit at his bedside.
What the hell just happened?
He'd left the restaurant immediately after Jeff kissed him in a dazed confusion, which more than likely got the attention of his parents. It wouldn't be long before they were at his door, asking him what was wrong. He had no idea what he'd tell them. He was feeling nothing but blank confusion.
Had Jeff really kissed him? His best friend, the one he'd known for six years, the one who was so obviously straight! It made no sense! Jeff was straight, wasn't he? He'd always said he was. He'd had girlfriends—lots of them—before. He never showed any interest in boys whatsoever. And when it came to his overall interests and personality, the boy was straighter than a yard stick!
But that kiss told a completely different story. It had been intense and passionate. That wasn't the kind of thing a person could fake even if they tried to. It felt…real.
Why had Jeff kissed Nick, though? Pretending that he could possibly be gay or whatever, what did the kiss mean? They had been best friends for years. It had never been anything more. It was never even mentioned. Did he kiss Nick on a completely mindless whim, or did any deeper feelings accompany the random action?
Nick wasn't sure he wanted to know. Either way, he would still be confused, and possibly upset. Just assuming it was some form of experimentation and nothing more, Nick would be furious and upset with his blonde friend. Although he believed that Jeff cared more about his feelings than that. He didn't think he would go so far as to play with Nick's emotions in that way.
If that wasn't the case, though, then there was only other conclusion Nick could come to: Jeff was either gay or bisexual.
It seemed absolutely absurd to Nick, though. He knew Jeff. He was open-minded, yes, but he sure as hell didn't seem even remotely gay. He was one of the straightest people Nick knew. He was into sports, he hated Broadway anything, shopping was like torture to him, he fell asleep during musicals, he played violent video games, he had no fashion sense, and most of all, he chased after girls like it was a hobby!
Could he really be gay…?
And secondly, what did this mean for Nick? What would he do if Jeff really did feel…that way…about him? He'd never really looked at Jeff as anything more than a friend.
He decided against wracking his brain with scenarios. He had no clue how to deal with any of this, and it just made his head hurt sitting here wondering what the kiss meant.
There was only one question left in his mind, and it was a question only he could answer:
Could I love Jeff in that way…?
…
Jeff cursed at himself once again as he slammed the door to his room. "I'm an idiot!" he spat out loud, gripping his hair by the roots. "What was I thinking? I've ruined everything now!" He kicked over his standing fan on his way over to his bed in his anger. It did nothing to ease his temper, so he proceeded to throwing everything off his bed stand in one furious swipe. His alarm clock busted into several pieces when it hit the ground and a glass filled with water shattered against the wall.
What had he been thinking? Why did he kiss Nick? How stupid could he get? What did he expect would come from it in the first place? What had been going on in his mind that made him think that kissing Nick would be a smart idea?
Nick had left Breadstix so abruptly, which wasn't a good sign at all. Now Jeff wouldn't be shocked if the brunette never spoke to him again. He had seriously stepped over the line and very possibly ruined their friendship. How could he be so thoughtless?
The kiss, if nothing else, at least erased the last of Jeff's doubts. He loved Nick in the exact way he'd prayed he didn't. He wasn't mistaken at all when he'd been questioning his sexuality.
It wasn't worth it, though. Even with Nick being gay, it didn't at all guarantee that he'd ever feel the same way Jeff felt. Jeff had been a fool to ever imagine that a kiss could have made any difference. It just complicated everything.
He should have just stayed in the closet.
The door to his room was suddenly forced open. "What is going on in here?" his father demanded at the door. He glanced around the room, eyes sweeping over the broken alarm clock, overturned fan, and shattered glass before they fell on his son.
Jeff stiffened up and clenched his jaw. "Er, d-dad…um…"
His dad gave a sigh. "What's the matter?" he asked, stepping into the room. "You came home and immediately trashed your room…Something is upsetting you."
Jeff frowned. "It's nothing," he mumbled. "Just some…drama. That's all. I can deal with it."
"Anything to do with a girl?" he asked.
Jeff shuffled uncomfortably. "Err…I guess you could say that…?" he said awkwardly. Nick wasn't a girl, but his father had the right idea. Just…wrong gender.
He wasn't sure he wanted his dad to know about that, though. His feelings for Nick…He realized he wasn't comfortable letting even his family know. He wasn't ashamed of it, was he?
No, that wasn't it. He was afraid. He'd never really been the odd one. Up until now, he'd been the typical teenage boy. How would his family and friends take it? Would they accept him? Now thinking about it…the thought that they'd reject him was terrifying.
"Ah, I see," his father mused. "Was it a breakup?"
"…Yeah. It was," Jeff lied. "But I'll get over it. It wasn't even a really serious relationship…I'm feeling better already."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Positive," Jeff insisted. "I'll, um, I'll just get this mess cleaned up now." He inched around his dad to get the broom from the hallway. He motioned his father away. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine, I just needed to let some anger out."
His dad nodded slowly, appearing unsatisfied but still gave in. "Alright. If you want to talk about it, you can come to me, though," he told Jeff.
Trust me, dad. I don't think you want to have this talk with me. Not ever.
So maybe it was for the better that things looked hopeless. How could he be with Nick if he wasn't even brave enough to come out to his own father?
…
Jeff was late to school the next day, thanks to his broken alarm clock. He skipped breakfast and didn't get a chance to fix his hair or brush his teeth. So he felt pretty gross as he walked into his first class of the day, blazer unevenly buttoned and shirt half-tucked in. He was about ten minutes late to his first class—which was British Literature—and the professor paused the lesson to greet him.
"Why, hello there, Mr. Griffin. I'm glad you could make it to class—" he glanced at the clock. "—fifteen minutes late."
Jeff sighed stressfully. "I'm sorry, Professor Wright. My alarm clock…broke." He neglected to mention that he was the one to break it. It was probably for the best.
"That's no excuse for being late to school," he scolded. "Take a seat and I'll write you up a detention slip. You'll come in after school tomorrow to serve it."
Ugh. What a wonderful way to start my day… "Yes, sir," he mumbled. He plodded to his seat in the back of the room and slung his bag over the back of the chair. He took out his notes as Professor Wright went on with his lecture, but his mind quickly wandered someplace else when his eyes found Nick, seated a few rows up near the doorway.
He wanted to say something to him, maybe apologize for what happened at Breadstix…but…he didn't know if Nick really wanted to talk to him at all right now. Plus, he wasn't sure he knew what to say. He would have to explain his actions…
He decided against confronting Nick for now. When the period was over and the bell rang, Jeff hesitated, standing only once Nick was out of the classroom. He got to his feet slowly and trudged out into the hallway miserably. He felt so lost and confused, even more so now that he was faced with the possibility of having to 'come out.' And especially now that he had to face up to Nick, eventually…
He got through most of the day without encountering Nick. It was around lunch time when they first spoke, with Nick approaching Jeff.
"We need to talk," was his greeting to Jeff.
Jeff frowned uncomfortably. "I know…"
"Meet me after school, then? At the library?" Nick suggested.
Jeff shrugged. "Sure," he mumbled. At least that would be a semi-private place to talk. And whether he wanted to or not, they had to talk. He couldn't just kiss Nick and then pretend it never happened, although he wished it hadn't.
"Alright. I'll see you then," Nick said. "I've got to get to class now…See you." He waved and retreated.
That had been, by far, the most awkward he'd ever felt talking to Nick, and based on Nick's quick departure, the feeling was mutual. Jeff prayed that their friendship wasn't too badly damaged by that stupid kiss.
Right now, though, he wasn't sure if he should try to play it off as nothing or confess to Nick how he felt. When it came to the first option, Nick might not believe him, and if he did, then Jeff would probably come off as a player and a jerk. That definitely wasn't the kind of image he wanted, especially not through Nick eyes.
But if he confessed…that could blow away any chance of healing their friendship while it was still intact. His friendship with Nick was something he cherished more than anything else… Not to mention the fact the he would be forced to come out as bisexual.
He couldn't find any pros to either scenario. He doubted that Nick could love him back. At least, not right now. It was too early and too rushed. And way too sudden. Of course, there was a chance that Nick could overlook Jeff's 'crush' on him and they could still be friends. It would just be a little awkward.
Jeff didn't know if he wanted to take the chance.
…
Nick sat at the library, impatiently checking his wristwatch for the fifth time. He hadn't set a time for them to meet, though he assumed Jeff would come right after school…But he'd been waiting here for almost an hour now, and still no sign of his blonde friend.
He decided to text him.
Are you coming?
He sat at one of the sofas and pulled out a book from his bag, although he had no hope of concentrating on reading it at all. His mind was all over the place and he couldn't seem to bring it back.
School had been terrible today. He couldn't pay attention to any of his professors and he'd been snapped at to pay attention several times in each class. One of his professors even stopped him to ask if he was feeling okay and if he wanted to call home.
No doubt his mother had told them about his 'mental problems.' He'd have to thank her for that later.
Worst of all, he got a D on a test in Government. That was the absolute worst test grade he'd ever gotten in his whole life. He could usually pass easily without even trying!
He had Jeff to thank for that D. He wouldn't stop crowding Nick's mind. Nick couldn't focus on anything because his mind was still trying to decipher that kiss.
His cell phone buzzed and he grabbed it—a little too eagerly—only to frown in disappointment to see it was just a text from his mom.
Where r you? The school called, we need to talk.
He sighed. At any little sign of depression from him, his mother was all over his case, never giving him any breathing space. She was probably at home hyperventilating over whatever the school had told her. He could already foresee a few weeks of more frequent therapist appointments and no free time to himself. Of course, he only had himself to blame for that. After the attempted suicide in seventh grade, she was always terrified that he might try something like that again. He typed his response.
I was at the library. Coming home now.
Nick checked the time. He'd been waiting here for an hour and a half. He texted Jeff again, having come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to show.
Forget it. If you weren't going to show, you shoulda told me.
He put his book away and stood up, slinging the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder.
Looked like he was in for one more day of torturous anxiety and mind-wandering…