"So what time are you guys going to be home?" Lindsay asked, setting Ben on the counter and tying his shoes.
"Around dinner time," Adam answered, zipping up Colton's coat. "I'll call if we're going to be later."
"And what exactly are you doing?"
"Daddy, don't tell her! 'Amember it's just our day."
"Sorry babe, it's a secret."
She smiled and shook her head. They were always like this on their days. They never told her where they went or what they did, even once they came back. She had a feeling it involved lots of junk food and arcade games and that was fine with her. She was glad they had their own little thing. She knew how much they both looked forward to it, Colton could barely sleep the night before, and Adam would spend hours online finding just the right activity for them. She often sat next to him in bed while he looked, her own reading being interrupted with occasional "Oh sweet! I love New York!" followed by feverish writing on the Post-It pad next to him. Her heart clenched to think about it, the ridiculous amount of love that filled their home.
For her part, Daddy and Colton days meant she got Mama and Ben days. They usually didn't do much, but she found herself learning more and more about her secondborn every time. He was quieter than Colton had been, worked new words over in his mouth a few times before trying them out loud and he loved to hold her hand. Most days they would just stay at home and catch up on chores before spending a few hours napping on the couch. She loved days with Ben and couldn't get enough of staring into his eyes and letting him read her. Today though, she had errands to run.
"You guys be safe today alright?" Adam said, leaning in to kiss her while Colton stood at the door.
"We will. You too."
"Done. Bud, you gonna say bye to your mama?"
"Oh yes," he replied, as if he had totally forgotten. "Bye mama. Love you."
"I love you too."
"I gotta hug Ben too."
She settled Ben on the ground and the boys hugged each other, both laughing as they parted.
"See you guys later!" Colton shouted, running out the door with Adam on his heels.
"Well I guess it's just you and me, Ben-a-little."
He smiled and pointed to himself and then her, nodding his head.
"I need to go get dressed and find my lists. Can you play in your room for a little while?"
He nodded and toddled into his room while she put the breakfast dishes in the sink and went to get dressed. She hadn't been real grocery shopping in a long time and she wasn't looking forward to filling an entire cart with things they needed that she had been paying twice as much for at the bodega because she was just too busy for a full morning excursion. She found her lists and shoved them in her purse, then made sure she had diapers and wipes for Ben before she struggled him into his coat and headed out the door.
"Bo bo?" he asked as she put him in his carseat.
"Brother went with daddy, remember?"
He sighed and looked over at the space Colton usually occupied.
"Bo bo," he repeated forlornly.
"Ben, can you say brother?"
"Bo bo."
"Listen to mama. Say brother."
He looked at her and worked his mouth a few times before sighing.
"Budder."
"Good job."
He grinned up at her and clapped his hands twice before she kissed his cheek and closed the door.
"Mama."
"Yes?"
"Whass'at?"
"That is an eggplant."
"Oh. Mama?"
"Yes?"
"Whass'at?"
"That's a piece of ginger."
He nodded and placed his hands on top of hers on the handle of the cart, furrowing his brow as he played with her ring. She smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.
"Mama?" he asked again, swinging his feet back and forth.
"Yes baby?"
"Whass…'at?"
His question was hesitant as she stared down the pineapple and scooted as far away from it as he could.
"It's just a pineapple honey," she chuckled, picking it up and showing it to him.
"Owwie."
"No, not owwie. See, it's okay," she said, taking his hand and making him gently pat the pineapple. He cowered for a moment, then realized it was okay and smiled.
"Say pineapple."
"Pi-ahh."
"Good job Benjamin!"
He grinned at the praise then shyly dipped his head down to stare at his hands again. Perfectionist he may be, but he didn't really like attention that sometimes came with his accomplishments. He was a lot like Adam that way.
"Okay, we need to go get some meat and cheese and milk and then we'll be ready to go."
He rested his cheek on their joined hands then reached up to rub her wrist. She did the rest of the shopping slowly, taking the time to answer each and every one of his "whass'at" questions and letting him hold things and inspect them until his curiosity was satisfied.
He started to get cranky about the time they were checking out and she knew it was getting close to lunch time. He whined as she put the bags in the car, and whined even more when she strapped him into his seat.
"Ben, we're going to go home and eat lunch but you need to stop making grumpy noises, okay?"
He leaned back in his seat and stuck his thumb in his mouth, silently agreeing to do what she had asked. Giving him a reassuring smile, she closed his door and got in the driver's seat.
"Ready to go home?"
"Ho, mama."
She snickered despite herself and started the car to go home, looking at him in the rearview mirror occasionally as she drove. He stared down at his shirt and shoes but not really out the window the way Colton did. Ben was more inside his head, he had some kind of old wisdom about him. She couldn't wait until he started talking for real, just so she could be privy to what was going on in his mind.
They made it home and it was slow going from the car to the apartment with all the groceries, but they finally managed. Ben was happy to follow her around the kitchen while she put things away and was near ecstatic when she put him on the counter and let him tuck the boxes of crackers and pasta into the cupboard. He clapped for himself and slammed the cupboard shut, then took the half sandwich she handed him and bit into his with gusto. She jumped up onto the counter next to him and ate her own sandwich while he giggled and handed her bits of his crust.
"Thanks buddy. I love crust," she teased, dropping it into the disposal. "Full of nutrients my big toe."
"Toe!" he shouted suddenly.
"Yes, toe."
He nodded and sighed, finishing his lunch and looking up at her sleepily.
"Wanna take a nap with me? We can snuggle on the couch with the big blanket."
He reached his hands for her and she pulled him into her arms, taking his shoes off as they made their way to the couch. Her own boots met the floor and she sunk against the cushions, loving how he molded himself against her chest and sighed before he looked up at her and patted her lips. Colton had done the same thing, wanting her to sing to him, but Ben preferred when she talked. It could be about anything really, the sound of her voice seemed to lull him to sleep. She'd done a lot of talking to him when she was pregnant and she figured that's why he had such a deep love to hear her speak now.
"You want to hear a story?" she asked, smoothing his hair back. He nodded and reached out to run his fingers over the texture on the back of the couch. She smiled as a spark of remembrance flickered and grew in her mind and though he would not understand or ever remember, she had to tell him.
"A long, long time ago, before I even knew you would ever come to be, your daddy and I were laying on this couch just like you and I are right now. There was a movie on but we weren't really watching it, we were just teasing each other. I don't remember what I said but it made him laugh. And he was playing with my hair and I could hear his heartbeat and all the sudden he looked at me, right deep into my eyes and he said "I love you, Lindsay." That was the first time he ever said it like that. He'd said it a few times before that, but that was just a friendly kind of thing. This time… he meant it for real. I wanted to say it back but I couldn't get the words to come out. I just looked at him with what was probably the dopiest smile on my face and he looked back at me and we were just quiet for a while until I finally found my words and said it back. And maybe we didn't wait all that long to say it in the grand scheme of things, but it meant something. It meant more than either one of us ever dreamed, even at that moment. I'll tell you this later in your life but I want to tell you now too. When you fall in love, Benjamin, you take your time. You enjoy it. Because you can never go back and see it all again. And when you find that person, the one who makes your life complete and who makes you better, you make sure that when you say "I love you" you mean it with every bit of yourself. With everything you have. And when you find that person, you hold onto them as you have never held onto anything before. Because son, when you find that, your entire life will change and it will be so much better. Don't ever give up on love, baby. It's always there waiting for you."
He gave her a nod and popped his thumb into his mouth, his eyes at half mast.
"And no matter what happens in your life, daddy and I will always be holding onto you too. We both love you boys more than life, and even more than that and we'll always be here for you, no matter what."
He popped his head up and smiled at her before leaning down to press a kiss to her lips with a loud "mwah!" before settling back down and closing his eyes. She pulled the blanket around them tightly and was in dreamland within seconds.
"… and I cannot say what we do all day, but daddy getted me two dinosaurs," Colton reported, holding up the plastic toys.
"Wow, two?"
"Yep. What did Ben get? Did Ben get nothing?"
"Ben got to hang out with me all day. I think that's better than dinosaurs, don't you?"
"Well… I don't know for sure. I get back to you on that."
"He's never going to love me again," Lindsay teased as Colton and Ben took off for their bedroom.
"Sure he will. You just gotta wait until the head snaps off of one of those dinosaurs."
"Wonderful."
"So what did you do all day?"
"Groceries. Nap on the couch."
"While I chased our hyperactive child all over Manhattan? How is that fair?"
"All over Manhattan, huh?"
"Well maybe not all over… or close to all over either."
"So basically you played at the park?"
"Nah, it was too cold. We did our morning thing and had a late lunch and came home. What do you think about having some dinner out tonight?"
"Out? Really? We haven't done that in a while. Not with the boys at least since… well probably forever."
"I know. Plan?"
"Plan."
"Geez this couch is lumpy," he complained, trying to get into a better position. She giggled and shook her head at the irony and he grimaced at her.
"What?"
"Nothin'."
"Seriously. You don't think it's lumpy?"
She couldn't stop giggling long enough to tell him, so she just shook her head.
"Babe, what has gotten into you?"
"It's not even funny," she managed to spit out after a moment. "I was just thinking earlier about when you told me you loved me. The first time, do you remember?"
"Yes, but how is that funny?"
"It was looking at the couch that prompted the memory and I was telling Ben about it and… I told you it wasn't that funny."
He smiled at her and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Is it just me, or are the boys too quiet in there?"
"We should only be worried if we hear screaming. Everything else can be repaired."
"I love your live and let live outlook."
"Should I wear a blue tie or a gray tie with this shirt?"
"Honey, you only have two ties."
"I know. Which of them should I wear?"
"Blue. How much starch did you put on that shirt?"
"I don't know. A handful? How much should I have put on?"
"You're supposed to sprinkle it babe," she snickered, twisting her hair around her finger as she finished the last chapter of the book her dad had sent her. Adam had court in the morning, something that he hardly ever had to do. It made him nervous and he spent the night before tossing and turning and wondering if he was going to ramble or stutter or make a bad joke at the wrong time. He could nearly give himself an ulcer over it sometimes. She'd promised to stay up and help him go over his case notes one more time, but he had insisted on ironing his clothes first and she was yawning too much to make it even another half hour. She looked up to ask him to hurry and let out a snort at the sight she saw.
"What? Why are you always laughing at me tonight?"
"I'm not… I mean this time I am, but last time I wasn't."
"Why are you laughing at me now?" he asked, slumping his shoulders and turning the iron off.
"You're standin' there ironin' in your underwear. It makes me laugh."
"Why?"
"Because you're cute."
"Oh brother."
"You did not just roll your eyes at me."
"Oh whoops, just did it again."
She grabbed a Kleenex off her bedside table and chucked it at him. He laughed when it fell to the floor not even halfway to its destination and she grimaced before going back to her book. He put the ironing things away and climbed in beside her, turning his lamp on and grabbing his notes.
"Want my help?"
"No sweetie, you go to sleep."
"But I was going to help you. I always help you."
"Yes you do. But I'm not going to be on the stand more than ten minutes. I'll be fine. Get some sleep."
She put her book away and turned her lamp off then slid down and over towards him, nudging his arm with her head until he lifted it and pulled her close. She'd been having trouble sleeping at night lately. Naps were easy, but at night she couldn't seem to make herself tired enough. She had to be touching Adam in some way before she could relax, and even that wasn't enough sometimes. Once she did finally fall asleep, it was light and the littlest things woke her up. She didn't have nightmares that she remembered, but Adam said she'd been whimpering a lot in her rare sleep. She figured it was just a phase and it would pass but it didn't really make daily life all that enjoyable.
She lay there quietly, breathing slowly and trying to imagine her whole body turning into goop. But then came the mental images of rapid decomposition that Sid had so delightedly shown them all last week and her eyes snapped open again.
"Lindsay."
"I can't help it."
He chuckled and kissed her forehead, then put his notes away and turned his lamp off.
"Okay, I'm going to put you to sleep. I want you count out to the end of pi."
"Do you have secret dreams of being married to a human calculator?"
"Yes, and I would appreciate you not teasing me about it."
She smiled as he pulled the blankets tighter around her and repeatedly ran his fingers through her hair.
"I want you to stop thinking. Just close your eyes and let yourself fall asleep. Think of how warm it is when you're asleep, how it's quiet and peaceful-"
She snickered.
"Lindsay, you're not doing what I said."
"I'm sorry, I really am trying. Keep talking, I promise I won't think."
He sighed and was quiet for a moment, before she looked up at him questioningly.
"What's wrong?"
"I should ask you the same thing."
"Nothing's wrong, I just can't sleep."
"Well yeah, but is there a reason for that?"
"I know what you're getting at and that's not it. I just can't settle myself down."
"Do you want to try taking something?" he asked hesitantly.
"No!"
He knew how she felt about taking any kind of medication for anything. She even hated the high dose Tylenol after giving birth. Everything made her feel like a zombie and she couldn't stand it. But maybe just one herbal sleep aid for one night would be okay. Apparently though, she was having none of that.
"Okay, it was just a question. I hate seeing you miserable like this."
"I'm sorry," she sighed, sitting up. "You go ahead and sleep in here, I'll take the couch."
"You had better not be serious right now."
"You actually have to sleep tonight. I don't go into work until noon, I can afford to stay up for a little while," she explained, grabbing her pillow. "You don't need me in here not sleeping because I know that keeps you awake so I'll just go out to the couch."
He grabbed her pillow back from her and put it where it went, then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back into the bed. She sighed, knowing he was right but still feeling guilty over something so small.
"Babe, you forget that I need you to sleep too. We don't sleep on the couch, we never have, and we're not going to make a habit of it either. You're staying in here and you're going to fall asleep. Got it?"
She nodded as he held her tightly.
"You're safe with me, Lindsay. You know that right?"
"I know."
"You can close your eyes. I won't let anything happen."
She let out a long sigh and let her eyes fall closed while he continued to whisper in her ear. He mumbled reassurances and love and words he had said so often that she sometimes needed to hear again. It wasn't that she distrusted the words, or him for speaking them, but she did need to be reminded occasionally.
"Sleep, baby. Today I love you and tomorrow I'll love you just the same."
There was a second of panic that someday it would be too much for him, that she was too high maintenance, but his words overpowered that and she fell into a sweet sleep.