A/N: This is a rather dark chapter. And by dark I mean really dark. I would give it an M rating actually. Read it carefully and at your own risk.
Little Miss by Sugarland. Even if country is not your persuasion, listen to it when you're done with this. I listened to it no less than 25 times while writing this.
Julesy, thanks for the help and the listening. It's so much better with you. You're perfect to me.
Winter had thawed into spring, trees were blooming, birds were singing and it was her favorite time of year. Things had slowed down at work and there had been a lot of family time lately. The boys were growing and happy and every day seemed to be nearly coated in sunshine. Life had reached that luscious point of dancing in the rain and spinning, spinning, spinning because the absolute joy was bubbling over and uncontainable.
Yet for some reason she felt as if she was still clogged up with the gray winter cold and slush. The world may have thawed but she hadn't. The sun may shine, but there were clouds over her head. The boys may laugh and giggle and give hugs and kisses, but the normal quickened pace of her heart in those moments was nowhere to be found.
To be honest, it wasn't just "for some reason." She knew exactly what it was and why it was happening. The difficulty was in wrapping her head around it all again, for what felt like the thousandth time. The difficulty was in putting it into words and getting to the place where she could even be coherent in her speech when she talked about it. The difficulty was in accepting that not only was it happening again, it had been triggered by almost nothing, in a season of her life that was so dizzyingly perfect. The difficulty was in the wondering how long it was going to go on this time.
She moved automatically, cleaning up the breakfast dishes and getting lost in her own head as the boys sped around the room. If she had stood still long enough she would have noticed that Ben's shirt was too short, as he had grown an inch in a very short time. She would have realized that at almost eighteen months old he was too big in all respects for the twelve month clothes he was currently sporting. Colton was getting big too and was in desperate need of new shoes. They didn't look like ragamuffins and they didn't seem to care that their clothes didn't fit, but had she stopped to look she may have sunk to the floor in mourning of how much she was missing. It could have possibly been better that she wasn't looking.
"Mama, are we leaving soon?" Colton asked, stopping to wrap his arms around her legs and hug her.
"Yeah, soon," she answered, patting his head before he tugged on her hand.
"Mama, you havin' a rough day?"
"Yeah, kind of a rough day."
"Bend down so I can hug you."
She obliged and his tiny arms went around her neck, lessening the fog that was so thick this morning. She kissed his cheeks and sighed from deep within herself, imagining a stream of water pressure washing her mind out, clearing it of all the dirt and grime and ick, making it so clean and happy so that nothing bad could ever stick again. It didn't work, it never had, but it might make her strong enough, just for the boys, just for today.
"I don't want you to have a rough day no more, mama. I really, really love you."
"I love you too, Colton. You make the rough days less bad. I promise."
"It's okay to cry sometimes if you're sad."
"I know. Thank you for reminding me."
"Too, too!" Ben hollered, wedging himself between them so he could hug her also.
"You boys know that I love you to the moon and back, right?"
"I know that mama. I don't know how far it is."
She smiled and kissed them both before standing up.
"Ready to go?"
"Yep. I'm ready and Ben said he's ready too, right Ben?"
Ben gave a short nod and headed for the door, not sure what was going on, but thrilled that it was something. Both kids were tired of being stuck inside and the prospect of an entire day with Danny and Austin and the kids at the park had them nearly trembling with delight. Lindsay knew it wasn't good for her to be alone, but she also knew that she needed a few hours away to get her thoughts in line. She wasn't sure where she was going to go or what she would do, but she was planning on making the most of it.
It was a short drive and she would have taken a cab but it was easier to put the kids in the car than it was to wrangle their seats into a cab. She hated to drive lately, not just because of the traffic, but because every time someone cut her off or stopped short, the thought "what if they hit us" ran through her mind. It would snap into overdrive and she would start thinking what would happen if she was gone. If it was just Adam and the boys, and how much better things would be for them. They would never have to worry about her again. The logical side of her knew that wasn't anything she should be thinking about, and she knew how devastated they would be, but at the same time, she couldn't stop the imaginings. They thundered behind her eyes and for a moment she thought she may get sick. A quick rolling down of the window cured that, but also cooled the few tears that trickled down her cheek, making them much more noticeable.
She was such a mess, such a horrible mess, and she felt as if it would never be over.
"A whole day of freedom, Montana. Whatever will you do?"
Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.
"Oh you know, max out the credit card, eat a pound of Twizzlers, get my nails done."
"That sounds right up your alley. Except I've watched you eat a pound of Twizzlers. Makes my stomach hurt."
"Then don't watch, doofus."
"Mama, why you call Uncle Danny names? He not say mean names to you."
"Believe me, doofus is one of the nicer things I've called him."
"Yeah, she used to call me butt-face."
"Mama, you gonna get a time out for that."
"Yeah, I'll get right on that."
"Okay Linds," Austin started, coming out of the kitchen and pulling her hair out of her jacket collar. "Gimme your keys."
"What?"
"Gimme your keys. We both know you don't have anything planned and I have somewhere I want to take you. Cough 'em up."
Lindsay handed the keys over, wondering how much of her freedom she'd just surrendered in the process.
"But what about the kids?"
"Danny's staying."
"I feel like I should be paying him three dollars an hour and giving his number out to all my friends that might need babysitters."
"Make sure to give my number to that hot brunette with the three ankle biters. I'd love to work for her," he requested, waggling his eyebrows at his wife.
"Do you double as a pool boy?" Austin asked in a sultry tone.
"I can if you want me to."
"You guys are nauseating."
"Yeah, well you and Adam are worse," Austin said, headed for the door. "Hurry up woman, we don't got to the end of time."
"Geez, you're demanding today."
"Today?" Danny asked. "And you say you're best friends. Shouldn't you know she's like this all the time?"
"I was being polite."
"Move it, Annie Oakley."
The door closed behind them and the got into the elevator, leaning against opposite walls and staring each other down.
"Seriously, where are you taking me?"
"To my leader."
"Austin."
"Just a place. You'll like it, I swear."
"Are you sure?"
"Do I know you or do I know you?"
"You know me."
"You'll like it. Now if you really did have something planned today…"
"I didn't."
"Good," she said as they stepped off the elevator and out of the building. "Where did you park?"
"Down there," she answered, pointing to the only spot she had found, half a block away.
"Well get movin'! No one ever got no where just saunterin'."
Shaking her head, Lindsay followed her and got in the passenger seat while Austin made a face and struggled to move the seat back just a little.
"If you weren't so short…"
"If you weren't so tall…"
"Stuff it."
"Can it."
Austin shook her head and got into the car, starting it up as Lindsay scrolled through the iPod, looking for something they both liked. She settled on Mumford and Sons and soon they were on their way, windows cracked and both singing along to Little Lion Man. It was one of those moments that felt like freedom and for a while she managed to close her eyes and concentrate on the wind and the sun and shouting the chorus because she could nearly feel it in her bones.
It was a forty minute drive into the Bronx and with every mile Lindsay became increasingly curious about where they were going and why. It wasn't like Austin to be able to keep a secret very long so it was either really good or not all that exciting. She didn't know where to place her bets.
"Okay, so before I show you what I wanna show you, I have to kill the first bird with this stone."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning," Austin started, parking the car. "I have to run in and get the blankets Danny's mom knitted for the twins, lest they are born tomorrow and have absolutely nothing to be wrapped in."
"She's never heard of receiving blankets?"
"Those thin things? Heaven forbid a child ever be confined to something so awful. They will truly resort to a life of crime if they are not allowed the loving comfort of a homemade blanket."
"Oh, she's one of those kind."
"She's worse than your mom. I mean that lovingly. But really."
"Why didn't she make blankets for your kids?"
"She said that any children with the combined DNA of me and Danny would most likely rip the blankets to shreds before they had a chance to enjoy it and she wasn't going to waste her time until they were older. Flack children however have a saint for a father."
"She's a Don fan?"
"She would trade Danny for Don any day of the week. I think it's because he always called her Mrs. Messer and minded his manners."
"While you and Danny mocked him for it?"
"Of course. We'da given him a swirly if he wasn't so tall."
"I can't believe he stayed friends with you guys."
"He got used to it pretty fast. He wasn't popular in high school, he had to be friends with someone."
"Poor Flack."
"Yeah, but Grace always gave him the biggest piece of pie. Comin' inside?"
"Well…"
"I'll show you a really embarrassing picture of Danny."
"How embarrassing?"
"You'll cackle, I swear."
"Okay, I'm comin'."
They got out of the car and went up the porch steps where Austin threw the screen door open and hollered inside.
"Hey, are you geriatrics home or what?"
Lindsay snickered and followed her inside.
"What a way to greet your family. Did anyone ever teach you manners?"
Austin chuckled and made her way into the kitchen, finding her mother and mother-in-law sitting at the table with cups of coffee.
"You both tried and you both failed," she said, grabbing her mom's coffee and taking a drink. "This is Lindsay. We ditched the kids with Danny for the morning."
"Lucky. We never got to ditch you kids."
"Yes you did, you just shoved us outside and locked the door."
"We always left sandwiches on the porch."
"You gonna make up for that by givin' me some coffee?"
"Since you already finished mine?" Katherine asked.
"Hey. Three kids and I didn't get none yet this morning."
"I suggested stopping but you said we were on a time schedule. A time schedule, really Aust?"
"You believed me."
"I was in a weakened state."
They exchanged a look and giggled while Grace stood up from the table.
"I've got those blankets in the other room, and I have some stuff for your hoodlums too."
"You got anything for me?"
"I let you marry my son, didn't I?"
"Touche'," Austin giggled, following Grace into the other room.
"You want a cup of coffee before my daughter comes back in here and drinks every last drop of it?" Katherine asked, standing up and getting a mug down from the cupboard.
"Sure, thanks."
"So you're the Indy that my granddaughter won't stop talking about."
"Really?"
"Rumor has it you tell really good stories."
"Isa's fascinated with Paul Bunyan."
"She says you even do voices."
"Now I'm embarrassed."
Katherine chuckled and handed her the warm coffee.
"I never thought my daughter would have a best friend."
"What? Why?"
"Because. Don't act like you don't know why. Austin never lets herself get close to people. I was worried she never would."
"She just needed someone that's always on her side," Lindsay said. Her eyes suddenly shot up to meet Katherine's and she swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that the way it came out."
"I know you didn't. She's told you?"
"Yeah."
"You probably think I'm a horrible mother."
"No," Lindsay said quickly, shaking her head. "I admit my first inclination is to get mad and protective, but that's not fair. My husband grew up pretty similarly, and I've spent a lot of years accepting the fact that I'll never understand the situations."
"You still think I should have done something."
"I think there were a lot of people that should have stepped in for the both of you and they never did. I think she was let down but I think you were let down too."
Katherine sighed and looked down into her coffee for a moment before speaking.
"It's no wonder Austin picked you. You don't mince words any more than she does."
"She's taught me well."
"Thanks for being there for her."
"She's repaid the favor. We're even."
"I promised and I delivered," Austin announced, slapping an old picture down on the table in front of Lindsay.
"Oh. My. Word."
Danny was about thirteen years old, wearing a dress and glaring while Austin hugged him and kissed his cheek.
"This is like a picture of your entire marriage."
"It's going to be Colton and Isa in ten years."
"Nah. Colton's got more backbone than Danny does."
"That is actually pretty accurate."
"First, can we make copies of this? And second, why didn't this go on the wedding invitations?"
"Because I didn't think of it fast enough," Austin replied, pouring herself a cup of coffee and sitting down. "How bad do you think he would kill me for showing that around?"
"Not bad enough to dissuade you from showing it around. I'm thinking poster size."
"My evil sidekick. I'm so proud."
An hour later they had been released from the mothers and were on their way to whatever Austin had wanted to show Lindsay in the first place.
"Sorry for all that back there. I knew you weren't really in the mood to meet people and the mother units can be a little overwhelming."
"It's okay. It was just like looking at us in thirty years."
"Stop. You're scaring me."
"Sorry. So where are we going?"
"Just a place. I promise, you'll like it. It's just down the street."
Lindsay sighed a little and followed her, knowing that most of her energy for the day was sapped. That was another part of the depression, it made her want to sleep all the time. Simple things were exhausting, and not just physical exertion either. Conversations made her tired. Thinking made her tired. Even just watching TV made her tired. She was constantly trying to catch up, she just didn't know what she was chasing.
"I used to come here when I was younger," Austin said as they walked into a small park. "When it got too loud at home or I just needed to be by myself, I'd walk down here. There's a creek through those trees and there's a little footbridge over it. I used to sit there and watch the water for hours. Sometimes I would keep checking my watch to see how long it was taking for someone to come look for me, but mostly I didn't pay attention to the time. I once sat out here an entire day. And I never told anyone about it. Not Andy, not Danny."
"How come?"
"Because… because I needed my own spot in the world. Because when I came out here, nothing else could come with me."
"So why are you bringing me out here?" Lindsay asked as they stepped into the stand of trees and onto a small dirt path.
"Because best friends are supposed to share. And you need this right now. Especially today. It's the seventh."
Lindsay nodded as they sat down on the bridge, dangling their feet over the side, just above the water. Austin always remembered the day and she should have known that's what this was all about.
"Plus you haven't been you lately. Like, really far from you, Linds. I'm worried."
"I am too."
"Do you want to tell me? Is it like last time?"
"It's not like last time at all."
They fell quiet, both swinging their legs back and forth, looking for words.
"I'm still trying to sort it all out. Adam knows but I haven't said anything yet. I was going to tell him tonight."
"Do you want to wait and tell me later?"
"No, no. It's easier to start with you."
"Why?"
"Because it doesn't affect your life every day. I mean, I know you worry about me and I know you check up on me and listen to me when I need to talk but with Adam it's different. With him it's like I'm saying "Okay, our life is about to go into a tailspin again. Hold on." He doesn't have any choice. He has to be in the thick of it. You can take a step back if you need to."
"Linds, I won't ever leave."
"I know that. I really do. I just mean that… at the end of the day you can hand me over to him. You can go back to your life. But for him, this is his life. He doesn't get a break from it. And I feel guilty about that because who wants that in life?"
"He may not want that Linds, but he'll take it if it means he can have you."
"I know."
"So tell me what's going on. I've been noticing it for over a week now."
"Can I ask… how do you know it's happening?"
Austin sighed and leaned back on her arms, her palms flat against the old wood.
"It's a bunch of little things, Linds. Things no one else would notice but me. You start sending me shorter texts, and then I start watching you more. Your nails are shorter than normal, probably bitten down that far. You drink your weight in coffee and you hardly eat anything at all. Your smile doesn't reach your eyes, your laugh is not the same. You don't turn the radio up, you don't change it to the country station. You bite your lip a lot and you won't keep eye contact. It's just all the little things that are so you kind of vanish and melt away until you're just this shell of my beautiful best friend and I just… I want you back."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her throat tight. "I don't want to… I never wanted to be that person."
"I feel different around you. It's like that old wall's up between us again. And we tore that thing down ages ago. I mean, we obliterated the crap outta that sucker. But sometimes I still get that feeling."
"It's not there, Aust, I swear it's not."
"I know it's not. It's just the same feeling of knowing there was something going on that you're not telling me. I know you need time to get things in order in your mind and that's why you wait so long, but it's how I know."
"Thank you for paying attention."
"Always. Now, tell me what's going on."
"It started out with not being able to sleep. Then I started having really bad nightmares. And then it all just stopped. It went back to normal. And I thought it was weird but maybe it was hormones or something. And then a few days later I just… hit me. So hard and so fast and I couldn't shake myself out of it this time. I was drowning before I even knew I was in the water. And now I'm so far in… I don't know how to get out."
"What's it doing to you this time?"
There was a long silence and Lindsay's eyes wandered around while she pulled her knees up to her chest and started rocking back and forth. Austin reached out and grabbed her arm, slowing the motion a little.
"Lindsay. Tell me."
"I don't want to."
"Yes you do. Say it, Linds."
"Don't be scared of me," she whimpered, clenching and unclenching her fists.
"I won't be scared of you, Lindsay. Just tell me, please. Don't make me guess."
"Sometimes… sometimes I…" she stuttered, fighting the urge to shut down or run off or just plain refuse to talk. "I just want… sometimes I just want to hurt myself."
Her heart stopped for what felt like eternity and when it started beating it practically thumped like a bass drum in her ears. She knew it was bad, horrible, worse than she could imagine but she never believed that it would get bad enough for that to be an option. She wanted to wrap Lindsay in a hug so tight that the rest of the world would fade away. Place her in a bubble where nothing could hurt her anymore. Her mouth was dry and she spoke the only words she could think of in that moment.
"I love you."
Lindsay couldn't hold it in any longer and the tears burst out before she could stop them. It would have felt like her entire soul was emptying from her body if she believed she had any soul left.
"'S okay," Austin whispered, keeping a tight hold on her even as she herself wanted to run away from the situation. She was terrified that the admission of want was also an admission of what she had already done and the thought made her squeeze her eyes shut and wish it all away.
"I won't," Lindsay choked out finally, getting a slight handle on her tears. "I won't do it. I don't know why I want to. It doesn't make sense, but sometimes I want to so bad."
Austin didn't know what to say so she kept quiet and stopped fighting her own tears.
"I don't want to die, Aust. I don't. But sometimes I don't really want to be alive either."
The words fell from her lips before she had even realized they were true and she desperately wanted to shove them back in and swallow them down to where they would never see the light again.
"I love you, Linds. So much. We all do. We need you so bad. Please, please don't do anything. Don't go away. Promise me. Please, promise me right now."
"I promise."
They sat like that for a while longer, neither of them knowing what to say or do or even to think. The tears stopped and the breathing calmed and they both sat back up, wiping their faces.
"I'm sorry. I don't want to put this all on you."
"You're not doing anything wrong, Linds. This is what families do."
"I don't know why I feel like that. There's no reason for it. It should be just the opposite, you know? My life is perfect. It really is. It doesn't make sense. I feel like such a waste. So worthless."
"But you're not, Lindsay."
"I know that. In my head I know it. But I don't feel it. It's like something is missing there, a connection is gone. I can't feel anything but the bad stuff and I feel that so much. I'm just broken. I'm a mess. I've completely fallen apart."
"No you haven't. You're still you Lindsay. You're not broken or a mess. You just need a tune up."
Lindsay gave a half smile at that.
"You're still in there," Austin said, tugging on Lindsay's hair. "We're going to find you again. We're going to figure this out and make things better. I'm not giving up on you Linds, and no one else is either."
"Thank you."
Austin stood up and held her hand out.
"Let me take you home. We'll drive until you can breathe again."
"Okay."
They silently made their way to the car and got inside. Lindsay curled into a ball in her seat and leaned against the door, closing her eyes and concentrating on the sound of the road beneath the tires and the soft country music that was coming from the radio. If she thought hard enough, she could be twelve years old and headed to the lake with her family, under a pile of blankets in the backseat with her walkman practically suctioned to her ears and Trisha Yearwood up as loud as she would go.
The windshield wipers squeaked across the windshield as a sudden spring storm fell upon them. It was rather fitting and she opened her eyes a little, staring at the sunlight that was still there in the rain. It calmed her to a degree and she unclenched her fists, rubbing her thumb over her right palm where her nails had left indents. Once they were gone she switched hands and sighed, seeing the tattoo on her left wrist. She traced over it several times, part of her wondering how it could still be true.
The song changed and Austin began to sing along, a song they had both sang to Isa and Sarah at separate times since it had been released. She smiled at the sound of Austin's voice and let the words wash over her in a way she never had before.
Little Miss Down On Love
Little Miss I Give Up
Little Miss I'll Get Tough
Don't you worry 'bout me anymore
Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One Big Mess
Little Miss I'll Take Less
When I Always Give So Much More
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little Miss Do Your Best
Little Miss Never Rest
Little Miss Be My Guest
I'll Make More Anytime That It Runs Out
Little Miss You'll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Oh, Lord
Oh, and you are loved
Are loved
Little Miss Brand New Start
Little Miss Do Your Part
Little Miss Big Ol' Heart Beats Wide Open
She's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Well, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again
They finished the song together, both their voices wavering as it ended and the car stopped outside Austin and Danny's building.
"Do you want to take the boys and go home, or do you wanna stick around for a while?"
"I think I'll go home. I just need…"
"I know."
"I'm safe, Austin. I promise, I really am."
"I know you are. Let's go."
They made it upstairs looking no worse for the wear, both checking their faces in the metal paneling in the elevator.
"Thanks for today. It helped."
"Always Linds."
They opened the door and all five kids headed their way, happily chattering about going to the park and how long Danny had let them play before they had to come home. Ben held onto Lindsay tightly and kissed her cheek over and over while Colton prattled on about Uncle Danny jumping off a swing and Isa chasing a squirrel. Lindsay laughed as she listened to the story and soon gathered their things to head home.
Once they had gone, Austin leaned against the door and sighed while Danny came over to rub her shoulders.
"She okay?"
"I don't know," she answered, dialing Adam's number on her cell phone and waiting for him to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Adam."
"Aust?"
"Adam… it's worse than we thought."