A/n: again, thank you for all the support and well wishes for my little (haha, who am I kidding! We're on baby #4 here!) family. The littlest squish looks like a cute little gummy bear and has a strong heartbeat!
The barbecue was comfortable and relaxing. It was good to just laugh and play and enjoy the normalcy, without fear of being called out on a mission or worse — a bombing on their beach.
Preach's daughters tossed a volleyball with Jaz in one corner of the yard while Preach and Adam manned the grill. Amir and McG splashed around in the pool, occasionally calling Jaz and the girls to come join them. Leah, who secretly had a crush on McG, happily obliged and cannonballed right between the two men. Kamille flitted between all of them, refilling chip bowls and replacing sodas and beers.
"So...you guys work everything out?" Preach asked Adam.
Adam's gaze lifted to Jaz who was alternately bumping and setting the volleyball. The girl could do seriously any sport she tried. His eyes softened into a smile and he shook his head.
"Not exactly, but we're getting there. I need to run it by Patricia at some point. I won't put Jaz's career in jeopardy but I also don't want her reassigned to another unit." Adam explained his struggle.
Preach flipped a steak and nodded thoughtfully. "She is part of us. Losing her would rip this team wide open."
For once his response wasn't some cryptic mystery. Adam appreciated the frankness. He didn't take this potential conflict lightly and he was glad to have his older friend's support.
"You in this for the long haul, Topshot?" Preach ventured. His eyes were wise and knowing. He and Kamille celebrated their twentieth anniversary last month - he was well acquainted with the hard work that a long term commitment required.
Adam's eyes darkened as he stole another glance at Jaz. His hand came up to fiddle with his beard before he dropped it into his pocket. He paused and sighed heavily.
"You know, I think I am. I'm just...not entirely sure if she is yet."
Preach's eyebrows rose and he also stole a glance at Jaz.
"Has she said something to give you cause for concern, Adam?"
Adam shook his head and scrubbed the nape of his neck with his hand. "Not in so many words. She just ... she is such her own person and free spirit and she's so strong. She doesn't need me. Not like..."
"Not like what, Adam?" Preach narrowed his eyes and stared pointedly at his friend.
"Not like I need her." Adam's voice was barely audible, not wanting his biggest fear broadcast to the entire backyard.
"Can I give you some advice, my friend?" Preach asked but didn't wait for a reply.
"You need to talk to her. Communication is the key to successful relationships. And you can't just communicate in your way. See, men and women, we're different. Fundamentally. We think differently, our brains are wired differently, and as tough and self sufficient a woman may seem, she is still a woman on the inside - she wants to be loved and protected and cherished. So you have to communicate in a way that reaches her. My wife calls it talking and hearing through pink comms and she says my comms are blue. If they're not on the same signal, there's effort put in but no communication taking place. Sometimes, when we get on each other's nerves she'll say 'Zeke, your comms are blue. Switch to the pink channel please.' It sounds silly, but it really works to let me know I'm forgetting to communicate in a way that reaches her."
Adam listened intently, smiling at the visual picture of colored comms. Jaz's comms wouldn't be pink - they'd be like army green camo or something, but the point of the object lesson made sense. Communicating on mission came naturally but communicating relationally...they had done a fairly decent job so far, but since the guys had arrived earlier that morning, it seemed like they had come to a stand still. Jaz had pulled away a bit, keeping her distance and choosing to hang with anyone but Adam.
Adam glanced over at the girls playing volleyball again and was surprised to see Jaz had left. He scanned the yard, searching for her but didn't see her. Puzzled, Adam broke away from Preach's side at the grill, making up an excuse to go inside the house.
Adam made his way inside, noting the empty living room, kitchen, and den. Where had she gone? The bathroom door was open, and the office was empty as well. Faint voices carried from a bedroom upstairs.
"He wants more, physically. Which I mean, I want too, but I'm just...terrified. It will change things forever, and I can't lose this family, even if it means pulling back from Top and not exploring this further. How do I know he's not going to get bored with me? I'll lose everything. But I can't lose him either. He means ... literally everything ... like, I don't think I can live without him."
Adam strained to hear the words.
"Jaz, you need to be sure of what you want before you give yourself to that man in ways you can't take back. He is a good man. And I can see he has a depth of care for you. But you need to talk to him about this. Girl, we're all insecure when it comes to love! I was, with Ezekiel, even after we got married! But that man is the best man that I know and you know what, he was so committed to me that he respected my desire to wait for sex until marriage. I knew if he could control those urges and still be faithful to me during our engagement, that I could trust him to have the same self control and faithfulness within our marriage."
"Were you both ..."
"Virgins? I was. Ezekiel wasn't. And you can bet I struggled feeling like maybe I wouldn't measure up to the other girls he had been with, wouldn't be as adventurous or creative or sexy. And maybe I'm not, but you know what? I'm Zeke's favorite. I'm his favorite person, his favorite friend, and his favorite lover. Because he chose me. He could have had any girl out there - he was quite the catch in high school. But he chose me. Because he loves me. And he chooses me everyday, when there are plenty of temptations around to distract him. And that's how I trust him—"
The door slammed open and McG, Leah, and Hannah came tromping in, filling the house with laughter and shouts. Adam retreated quickly outside, suddenly feeling a pressing need for fresh air.
He turned around the side of the house and slid down against the siding until he was squatting on the ground. Jaz and Kamille's overheard conversation burned in his ears, the insecurity in Jaz's voice unexpected and heartbreaking. She was right, so far they hadn't done anything they couldn't come back from. Taking that next step would change things, for better or worse, and it was her career on the line. Even if he requested a new command, that would require a new captain for her and with it the probability of a chauvinist leader who would insist she prove herself over and over.
"How do I know he won't get bored with me?" Jaz's words echoed in Adam's mind. Perhaps they were more on the same page than either of them thought.
Preach's voice boomed through the air. "Steak's up, everyone! Let's get this party started!"
McG and the girls came tumbling out of the house, teasing and calling first dibs on the steak. Kamille and Jaz followed, carrying armloads of chips and snack mixes.
Preach held his hands out to his wife and youngest daughter, who in turn held their hands out to those beside them. Soon the entire group was wrapped in a circle, Jaz tucked safely between Kamille and Sarah, Leah somehow wiggling her way to hold McG's hand, Adam on the opposite side of the circle, between Hannah and Amir.
Without preamble, Preach spoke in prayer, but it seemed as natural as talking to a friend. "Thank you, Father, for these good people, my family. Thank You for Kamille and her strength over these last months, for Sarah, Leah, and Hannah, my sweet daughters who remind me every day to embrace life. Thanks for my friend and fearless leader Adam and the wisdom that You've given him as he leads our team, for McG and his talent at patching us all up when we need it. Thanks for bringing Amir into this team, this family, and the added perspective and kindness that he has brought. And for Jaz, our dear sister that we are so grateful..."
Preach voice wobbled and Jaz's eyes flew to his face like a startled deer. Preach always said one long prayer each barbecue where he called them all out by name, but he'd never gotten emotional before. She thought she spied a tear roll down his dark cheek and disappear into his beard.
He cleared his throat and continued, "Lord, we thank you for keeping her safe and allowing her to still be with us. We've been through some hard times lately, but You walk through them with us, and we're grateful for Your love. Bless this food, Father, and may we enjoy one another's company on this day that You have given us. We love You, Lord. Amen."
A round of amens chorused around the circle before people scattered to grab plates and drinks. Jaz hung back, still processing the depth of emotion in Preach's voice when he had prayed for her. Adam tentatively approached her.
"Hey."
Jaz looked at Adam, vulnerability shining in her eyes. "No one has ever prayed for me like that before," she whispered. Though she didn't necessarily believe the same as Preach, still, it was incredibly touching for him to involve her in something he held so dearly.
Adam placed gentle hands on each of Jaz's shoulders and searched her deep brown eyes. "You are a ... vital part ... of our family. Almost losing you..." Adam blinked back sudden tears and looked up to towards the sky to compose himself. "This family wouldn't survive without you. Jaz..."
He waited until she looked back in his eyes.
"I wouldn't survive without you."
Jaz cupped his cheek with her hand, feeling that old familiar fear slowly dissolving with the understanding of how real Adam's care, his love for her was.
McG and Amir chose that moment to clue in on the tender display of affection between Adam and Jaz. McG whooped loudly and shouted, "Top? Jaz? What is going on over there?!?"
Amir chimed in, "So you finally cleared the air, did you? Congratulations, you two!"
Adam closed his eyes briefly and smiled, slightly annoyed. "Talk later?"
At Jaz's nod, Adam dropped one arm around Jaz and acknowledged the group with a wave. "Yeah, yeah, y'all are just jealous!"
Jaz grasped Adam's hand that rested just off her shoulder and squeezed. "You were right, Preach. Finding a connection with someone special is rare and it is worth it to take hold of!"
A/n: Regarding the bit about colored comms, I actually got the idea from a man named Emerson Eggerichs who wrote the book Love and Respect. He details it as pink/blue megaphones and hearing aides.
Also I just realized that I named one of Preach's daughters the same name as an already established character so sorry for any confusion there!