Adam had never made it home from the lab quite so quickly before. He had been getting ready to leave when Austin called and the panic in her voice had sent him nearly running for the train. First he cursed himself for taking the train instead of driving, and then he thanked his lucky stars when he looked out the train window and saw how backed up traffic was. He practically ran from the station home, pounding up the stairs because at the time it seemed to be faster than the elevator. He took a deep breath before turning the knob and going inside. It was quiet and he hoped the boys were both down for naps or otherwise occupied because this wasn't going to be something they needed to see or hear.
Lindsay was sitting at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. He'd noticed the weight loss but it wasn't until he saw her slender fingers wrapped around that ceramic that he realized how bad it really was. Her ring was practically falling off and the sweatshirt that normally fit looked a few sizes too big. She was tiny enough to begin with, and this alone had him worried.
"Linds."
She spun around in her chair and met his eyes for a moment before standing up and crossing the room to him. She fell into his chest and he wrapped her in his arms, holding on tight while she cried. They were gut wrenching sobs and they slowly fell to the floor together.
"I'm sorry," she wailed, clutching at his shirt and trying to catch her breath. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Shh. It's okay. It's gonna be okay baby."
"No. It's not. I can't."
"Lindsay it's going to be alright. I won't let it not be."
"Don't let go of me. Please. Please."
"I won't. I won't baby. You're safe."
She continued to weep until she had nothing left and had wilted in his arms. He scooted back against the counter and continued to hold her, running his hand over her face, hoping to brush away the tear tracks.
"I need help, Adam," she whispered. "You can't… you can't fix it this time."
"I know that. I shouldn't have tried before."
"I don't know what to do."
"Baby, we're going to get help. I promise, I won't let you down this time. I won't. It's going to be alright. I won't let you go."
He grabbed her shaking hands and put them against his heart, holding them there so she couldn't move them.
"I'm not goin' anywhere babe. Neither are you. Do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"I love you. I love you so much, Linds. We need you. We can't survive without you. Please be strong baby."
"Help me. Help me."
"I won't let you go. This isn't going to take you from me. You're mine, Linds. Just mine."
"Why? Why do you even want me?"
"Stop it. Stop letting it talk, stop listening to it."
"I need you to love me but I don't think you should. I'm such a mess, Adam."
"You are not. And even if you were I would still love you anyway. I'm not perfect. I have my own weaknesses and you love me no matter what. Do you think I'm less of a person than you are because I wouldn't love you no matter what?"
"No! No, I don't. I just… this is bad, Adam. It's so bad. I can't even… I don't know what to do."
"Baby, listen to me. We're going to get through this. You and me. We'll get help, we'll do whatever you need. I love you and I'm not going to let you go. Never. Do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to call Emily tomorrow and see if you can get an appointment in the next few days?"
"Yeah."
"Austin told me what you told her."
"I know. I knew she was going to call you as soon as I left."
"Does that bug you?"
"No. I was going to tell you tonight, she just… got to me first. You guys have been talking about it, huh?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I start to see things and I ask her if she notices too. If she doesn't then I know it's just my mind running away with me. I know you don't want to feel like we're constantly looking over your shoulder. We're really not. It's just easier to know someone else is looking out for you too."
"I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to wear you out. I know it's hard to deal with. I know if it was reversed I would be so scared and I wouldn't know what to do or how to take care of you and I would be frustrated and mad and… I don't want you to feel any of that."
"Sweetheart, for now, until we figure this thing out, please don't worry about me. Please. We both need to focus on you right now."
"But you matter too."
"Yes I do, but sometimes in life you have to put one thing to the side to take care of something else. It doesn't mean that thing is any less important. It's just that the other thing is a little more time sensitive."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong, Lindsay. Absolutely nothing."
"I didn't tell you right away."
"That's alright. I know it takes you a while to figure out the words. I was tracking with you. You didn't leave me in the dark."
"I'm scared."
"I am too."
"I don't know where the thoughts come from. I don't know why I get them. I don't want to leave you and the boys. Never."
"I know you don't."
"I've never thought those things before."
"Can you tell me about it?"
She shook her head and looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. Out of fear or shame, she wasn't sure.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to scare you. I don't want you to think I'm dangerous. I don't want you to keep the boys from me or think that you have to constantly be with me to make sure something doesn't happen."
"Lindsay, you need to tell me. Please."
She didn't know where to start, she didn't know what she was ready to say or what he was prepared to hear. He put on a good face, but she didn't know if he could actually handle it.
"Sometimes… when I'm walking to work," she started, her voice shaking. "I s-stand on the corner and I just… I wonder what it would be like to step out into traffic. I don't know why. I just think about what would happen. It's like I'm a different person."
If he hadn't been holding her as tightly as he could before, he sure was now. He wanted to be strong for her but the truth was that he was terrified. Not of her, really. He was scared that one day the curiosity or the crazy desire would get to be too much and she would actually do something. She might actually step off the curb. And then he would lose her completely.
A fresh batch of tears started for both of them and he kissed her gently, not knowing what else to do. She clung desperately to him, wanting to bury herself inside him where it was safe until everything went away, until she was well again.
It wasn't until that moment that she realized that she was still holding onto hope. She was still looking at this as having an end, as getting better. The idea of it nearly gave her a thrill. She always worried that it would be forever, that it would never go away, never get better. But right now, she somehow knew it would. It wouldn't be easy. It may take a long time. Still, there was a small part of her that knew someday, somehow, it would be okay again.
"I don't want to leave you," she assured after a moment. "I don't want to leave and I would never want to take you with me. I would never do something like that. Not to you and not to the boys. I still have enough rationality left in me. You don't have to believe that. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't."
"I believe you, Linds. I really do. I'm just scared that one day it's going to be too much for you."
"I am too."
"Do you know what starts it? Those thoughts?"
"I don't know. They just pop up sometimes. I don't know how to change it."
"How do you keep yourself from stepping off that curb?"
"I think about you telling the boys what happened. I can't do that to you. I can't do it to them either. They don't deserve to grow up without their mother. You shouldn't have to be both parents."
He sighed and tucked her hair back, wiping away the tears that marked her face. He hated how much she hurt and how guilty she felt about it. It wasn't her fault.
"Mama?"
They looked up and found Colton in the doorway, tears trickling down his face as he chewed in his finger. They knew he hadn't heard anything, they had been talking too quietly, but he knew something was very wrong.
"Come here baby," she said, holding her hands out for him. He hesitated for a moment then walked to her, settling in her lap and wrapping his arms around her.
"What's 'a matter, mama?"
She looked up at Adam for help, not sure what she was supposed to say. She wasn't going to lie to him but she didn't want to tell him the awful truth either.
"Why you so sad?"
Adam cleared his throat and moved them a little so he could look his son in the eye.
"Colton, I don't want to think that this is because you did anything wrong. You didn't buddy."
"But why is you and mama cryin'?"
"We don't want you to worry, but mama is sick."
"Like throwin' up?"
"No. This is a different kind of sick. It's a kind of sick where mama is very sad all the time. Even if there's nothing to be sad about."
"Because why?"
"We don't know. It's just something that happens to people sometimes."
"Well… I could make you happy, right mama?"
"You can, and you do, Colton. But this kind of sickness, it takes away all the happy from me. That's not your fault, it's because I'm sick."
"Are you gonna go to the doctor and get better?"
"I'm going to try."
"You be okay tomorrow?"
"No, not tomorrow. It's going to take a while, buddy. I'm going to do my very best to get better soon, but it might take some time."
"That why you don't wanna play no more? Are you sleepy 'cuz you sick?"
"Yeah."
"Mama?"
"Yes?"
"How did you get sick? Somebody cough on you?"
"No, sweetie. This is different. This sickness is in my head. It makes my brain act funny and that makes me act funny."
"Will I get sick too?"
"No, you won't."
"What 'bout daddy?"
"Daddy won't get sick either. This is something that doesn't happen very often. You don't need to worry about it, okay? I'll be all better as soon as I can."
"I not like it when you cry."
"I don't like it either. Sometimes it makes me feel better though."
"When I cry it just hurt my eyeballs. Can I help you feel better?"
"You just keep giving mama lots of hugs and love," Adam said. "That helps a lot."
"That no skin off my nose. I love huggin' mama."
She smiled and brushed the last tear off his cheek.
"Is the doctor gonna give you medicine?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"But what if you think it taste icky and you hide it in the couch like I hide my fever chewies?" he asked, referring to the chewable fever reducer she'd given him a few weeks ago when he had a cold. "Then you won't get better."
"I won't hide my medicine. I'll take it, I promise. I want to get better no matter what."
"Is you gonna be mad that I hide my chewies?"
"No, I'm not mad. Just don't do it next time I give them to you, alright?"
"Okay. That will make you happy," he decided with a nod.
"Mama!" Ben shouted from the other room. "P.U!"
"Him got a bad diaper," Colton sighed. "I could change it."
"No, that's okay. I'll do it," Lindsay said, standing up from the floor, suddenly feeling frigid at the loss of contact. They boys watched her go and Colton turned to Adam, his face scrunched up in a frown.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah?"
"What I do wrong? I thought I bein' so good. I do my best, really. You tell me what I did bad and I say sorry and then mama okay again, right?"
Adam hugged him as tight as he could, working up the strength to keep his voice level as he spoke.
"Colton, you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. Do you understand me?"
"But why she so sad?"
"It's not something that we can really understand, buddy. But you have to know it's not something you or me or Ben did. Nobody did anything wrong."
"But why it happen? Why to my mama?"
"I don't know. I really wish I knew so I could fix it better, but I don't know. I really don't know."
"I just love mama. I want her to be happy and not cryin' or tired."
"Me too."
"I want her to take me on the swing at the park. And I will sit on her lap and we can swing very high like all the time before. And I wanna play tickle monster too. And hugs and kisses and when she reads me books and she do silly talking."
"I know buddy. And I'm sorry she can't do that right now. She really wants to though. It's just so hard for her."
"She really get better, right? What if when Ben is a big boy like me, mama not better yet? He not know how… that… when she laughin' and how it makes your tummy feel good. Ben not 'amember that. His tummy will never feel good."
"Yes it will. Mama will get better, I promise. Sometimes the sickness might come back for a while, but we'll always make it go away again. You don't need to worry, okay? You just trust me. Trust me that this is going to be alright."
"Okay. She will be all better."
"Yes, she will."
"I will be brave for mama. She need me to be brave."
"That will help a lot."
"Daddy, I will be brave for you too. You could talk to me 'bout it if you want."
"We'll see. Now, what do you think about ordering pizza and popping some popcorn and having a movie night?"
"I think that is a good idea, daddy. And even could we have some pop?"
"Maybe a little."
"Could we watch the dragon movie? I really like that one."
"I know. I like it too."
Colton grinned and hugged him tightly.
"Everythin' gonna be okay."
Her right foot twitched uncontrollably and she couldn't slow her breathing. She thought calling Emily for an appointment would mean waiting a week until a slot opened up. But as soon as she had started talking, Emily had made her an appointment for the next day. She hadn't had time to prepare for this. She wasn't good at this counseling thing. She didn't like bearing her soul to someone. It took enough out of her just telling Adam and Austin, and she trusted them completely. It's not to say that she didn't trust Emily too. Emily had heard it all from her and had listened as well. She respected Lindsay's desire to never take medication, she asked questions for clarification, she called when Lindsay missed an appointment, instead of having her secretary do it. Lindsay felt safe and taken care of with her, but that didn't mean it was easy.
She wanted to run out of here, go home and hug the boys until the anxiety went away. She wasn't ready for this. She needed someone to hold her hand and she couldn't do this alone. Just as she was getting ready to make an excuse, the door opened and Emily stepped into the waiting room.
"Lindsay, are you ready?"
She took a deep breath and stood up.
"Yeah."
The office door closed quietly behind them and Lindsay sat down on the couch, breathing deeply and trying to calm herself.
"Do you need a minute?" Emily asked, sitting down in the chair across from her.
"No. No, I'm okay."
"I know it's hard to come back. You told me a lot on the phone. Do you want to add to any of that?"
"I um… I don't know where to start. I feel like I've talked and talked and talked and I haven't gotten anywhere."
"Do you feel like no one's listening to you?"
"No, they're listening. I know they're listening. I just don't know what good it's doing."
"Is that why you decided to try this again?"
"Yes. It's just so bad this time, it's to the point where I'm scared and I don't know if I'm going to make it. I have a husband and two little boys that need me and I don't want them to be hurt by this. By me. I have to fix myself or everything is going to fall apart."
"Why don't you tell me what you feel is the most important thing to work on first."
"I need to feel better. I need all the thoughts to go away. I need the exhaustion to go away. I need the anger to go away. I can't learn how to deal with it next time if I am sitting in the middle of it right now. I'm tired of being hurt and scared and I'm tired of everyone worrying about me. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this."
Her voice broke on the last word and Emily reached over to touch her hand.
"That's a good place to start, Lindsay. A very good place. I know that you know how hard this is going to be and I need you to commit to this or you're not going to get anywhere."
"I'm doing it. For real, I promise. I'll do anything. My life just can't be like this anymore."
"Is Adam on board with this?"
"Yes."
"Would he be willing to come in with you if the need arises?"
"Yes."
"You have friends and co-workers you can trust with this?"
She nodded and took a deep breath, already feeling things come into perspective. The talking was calming her a lot. It didn't take the thoughts away but it didn't give them something to feed on either. She didn't feel as if she was being attacked from the inside. She knew the feeling wasn't going to last and it was going to be a tough road, but she could hold on. She still had strength. She still had reason.
"You two are scarin' me," Danny said, crossing his arms over his chest and watching the way Adam and Austin both fiddled with their glasses of iced tea. "What's goin' on? It's Lindsay, right?"
"Yeah," Austin answered, clearing her throat.
"Depression," he guessed, having noticed how off she had been lately.
"Yes."
"Okay, well it's happened before. We've helped her before. Why do you two look like it's the end of the world? She's smart, she's strong-"
"She wants to die."
Danny's head snapped up at that, narrowing his eyes at his wife as if she had just told him the world was flat.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not Montana. No. She doesn't… she wouldn't… Adam, it can't be all that bad."
"It doesn't make sense, I agree," Adam noted. "But it's how she feels."
"So what are we sayin' here? Are we talkin' about havin' someone with her all the time?"
"No, it's not like that, Danny," Austin clarified. "It's just… it's really serious this time. She needs us, all of us. Adam and I, we can listen a lot, we can help in that way. But you're her partner. She's going to need you when neither of us can be there."
"She might not say much, Danny, but you're pretty good at reading her. Just watch her a little closer."
"She knows you're tellin' me this?"
"She knows. She says she doesn't want anyone else knowing. She said to just keep it in the family and no one else needs to know."
He sighed and rested his chin on steepled fingers. He knew this was something Lindsay struggled with, he'd seen it in the past, he'd been there when the anger came out and Austin was the one feeling the force of it. He'd seen her work sometimes slow down and sometimes go at an almost frenetic pace. He'd watched her steel herself at crime scenes, he'd seen her sitting quietly in their office with the lights out long after she should have gone home. This wasn't a huge surprise. But the fact that it was this deep and this dark really had him thrown for a loop. Besides those rough patches, she was the happiest person he knew. She teased and laughed and could always snap out of a grumpy mood. She made him laugh when there was too much weighing on his shoulders. He couldn't reconcile that person with what they were telling him.
"What do I do then?"
"Just be there if she needs you. Don't make too much of it, she needs some things to stay the same. She needs stability. We all need to give her that right now. As much normal as possible."
"She might be taking a leave of absence from work," Adam added.
"Why, to check herself into some hospital?" Danny asked skeptically, not really enthused with the idea.
"No. It's just a lot for her to handle. She went to see her counselor yesterday, and she got a prescription that might help. She needs time to let it work, and it's easier if she can do that at home."
Danny sighed and shook his head. He was going to have a hard time figuring out what to do here, even if they spelled it out for him. It just didn't make sense.
"Look, I wouldn't be asking anyone else for help with this," Adam said finally. "I'd try to do it on my own and I'd screw it up. I need you guys to help me help her. I don't know what else to do. And I need to know if I can rely on you guys or not."
He left the question hinging on the two of them, even though he already knew Austin was all in.
"Yeah, buddy, I'll be there."
"Thanks. I'd better go, I should get the boys from Faye so we can be there when she gets home."
"Call us if you need anything."
"I will. Thanks guys."
Adam left he apartment, feeling slightly better at the promise of reinforcements, but disappointed in himself for needing them. She was his wife. He'd been entrusted with her care, both physically and emotionally, and even though he understood the beast of depression, that didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that he couldn't fix her himself. He wanted to snap his fingers and make all the hurt go away, but maybe all the work is what she needed. The proof that he would always be there, through everything, that he would fight for her. Maybe the struggle is what would save her.