Over the next few days, Lindsay found that if she kept herself busy, made schedules and had a little control on things, she was able to keep her demons at bay. If she didn't have time to sit and think about them, they didn't have the ability to become stronger and eat her alive. It wasn't a solution, just temporary coping until she figured out how she wanted to handle it.

The prescription sat in her purse, waiting to be filled. Adam had done research on the drug, but it was fairly new and there wasn't a lot available. She'd been prescribed the lowest dose possible, but she was still worried about what it would do to her. She'd tried several different kinds in the past and all of them sent her into a stupor, sometimes making her sleep, sometimes making the depression even worse. Playing with levels and combinations had eaten up enough of her life already, and now when she had so much more to live for, she was increasingly hesitant to give herself over to chemicals. But things were bad and she really needed some kind of help, even if she didn't like it. She was different now, drugs were different now, and maybe they could find something that would work.

The phone rang loudly and she cringed, having found herself sensitive to sudden sharp noises.

"Hello?"

"Hey Linds."

"Hey Aust. What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you guys were going to see Flack and Jess tonight."

"Yeah, when Adam gets off work. Why?"

"Because I made them dinner, more specifically, I went and ordered them a lasagna and I can't get it to them tonight so I was hoping if you were going over there you could stop off on the way and get it."

"Yeah, we can. Did you see them last night?"

"Yeah, neener neener. Tiniest babies I've ever held. Maybe except for Colton, but they're pretty little."

"Is Flack a blubbering mess?"

"I wish. He's very protective, even told me to make sure I supported their heads."

"To the woman with three kids he says this."

"He's a dad. It's kind of endearing."

"How's Jess?"

"Well, remember what it's like with a newborn?"

"Yes."

"Times two plus a Flack."

"I'll bring her some chocolate."

"Good plan. How's your brain today?"

"Pretty sure I'm going to give myself ADD, but other than that."

"Well you and Adam will match then."

"I'll order the jogging suits tomorrow."

"In complimentary colors. Can I do anything for you?"

"Um, not right now. Can we talk tomorrow maybe?"

"Absolutely. I'm working nights right now, so any time during the day."

"Thanks."

"And Isa just dumped an entire bag of flour on the floor, so I gotta go."

"Don't vacuum it up or use water."

"Got it. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

She hung up the phone and shook her head. Almost every conversation ended with someone's child spilling something on the ground. She could count on one hand the number of times it hadn't.

"Now Ben, we is walkin' on a tightrope like in the circus," Colton was saying. "If you fall off you will crack your head on the ground and then die. So you can't fall off."

Lindsay peeked around the corner and watched as they carefully walked across the uncurled ribbon they'd placed on the floor. Colton held his hands out at his side and pretended to loose his balance and recover nicely a few times. Ben wasn't sure what to do really, so he copied Colton, save for the fact that he stayed nowhere near the line.

"Yay, we did it! Now we is gonna be lion tamers. Qwerty is our lion, okay? He's vicious. He's gonna jump through this hoop right here."

He held up their nylon play tunnel and directed Ben to the other side.

"Now you gotta call him Ben and make him go through."

"Woof!" Ben said, patting his legs. The dog looked from him to Colton, then sauntered off in search of something else to do.

"Our lion's tired today. I guess we just gotta be clowns. Now, we are going to juggle. Here, you have daddy's socks and I will juggle… um… maybe I will juggle our sippy cups. We gotsta throw them and catch them, right Ben? Here we go!"

They threw the objects into the air and Colton scrambled to catch them while Ben waited until they fell to the ground to pick them up.

"Yay!" he shouted, jumping up and down.

"We done it, Ben! One more time!"

They repeated the previous actions, except this time in his haste to get the falling sippy cups, Colton tripped over Ben. They tumbled to the floor with laughter and stayed there for a while.

"That what daddy says is slapstick clowns. Gettin' theirselves hurt all the time."

"Do slapstick clowns walk around with flat tires on their feet?" Lindsay asked, noting the way both boys had their socks slid down their feet so there was extra hanging off their toes.

"Thems are our clown shoes, mama."

"Oh, I see. Well what happens next at the circus?"

"Um, I don't remember from when daddy taked me."

"Were there acrobats?"

"You mean the jumpin' people? Yeah, Ben, come on, we gonna be acrobats and jump on the big bed. Hurry up!"

They ran into the room and Lindsay followed close behind, not minding them jumping on the bed, but not wanting either of them to take a header off of it either. They bounced around giggling for several minutes and Lindsay even worked up enough energy to pretend she was a savage beast out to eat their toes. They squealed with laughter as she took them down and tickled them until they couldn't breathe.

"Mama, that was fun," Colton said as she climbed up on the bed with them. "We could do it again tomorrow, huh?"

"I think I could work that in."

"It's okay if you get too tired."

"I'll try my best."

He rolled over and patted her face, then kissed her forehead like Adam did.

"I love playin' with you mama."

"I love playing with you too."

"You my favorite."

"Really?"

"Yep. Right Ben, mama's our favorite huh?"

Ben nodded and crawled over to Lindsay's other side, staring deep into her eyes before he gave her a half smile. She reached up and ran her finger over his cheek and for a moment they just looked at each other. She had always known he was more in tune with her than Colton was. He could tell when she was in a bad mood, even if she did an award winning job at covering it up. All he had to do was look in her eyes.

After a moment he curled up against her side, sucking his thumb and rubbing his free hand over her ear. She smiled as Colton copied Ben's position, one arm around her and one hand playing with her hair. Her eyes fell closed and for a moment she let time simply stop so she could record this moment and this feeling forever. It was beautiful and perfect. It was love and happiness. It was just her and her babies, nothing dark, nothing bad, nothing between them.

"Hey, daddy's home and no one comes runnin'?" Adam called from the other room.

"We's in here snugglin' mama! We can't come runnin'!" Colton hollered back.

Adam chuckled as he entered the room, kicking off his shoes and laying down next to Ben.

"Well I wanna snuggle mama too. Is that okay?"

"You gotta share that side with Ben."

"But she was mine first!"

"Yeah, but she my mama. She just your wife."

"Well I love her more."

"No daddy, you do not! I love her more!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

Lindsay grinned as they fought over her, wondering how this was going to end. Ben sighed and looked up at her, then crawled up onto her chest and buried his face in her neck. He may not have been able to verbalize it, but he was quite sure that he loved mama the most.

"Wait a minute, do you love mama more than you love me?" Adam asked, feigning shock.

"Well… um… that is different, daddy."

"How's it different?"

"I love you for bein' a daddy and I love mama for bein' a mama."

"Yeah Adam, it's apples and oranges," Lindsay teased while he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Yeah, just like what mama said."

"Fine, I give up. But I still loved mama way before you did."

"That's only 'cuz you had to love mama or I woulda never been borned."

"He's got you there honey."

"I guess he does. Okay you win."

Colton giggled and nodded, happy with his success.

"I still love you more," Adam whispered as he kissed her.

"Yeah, I know."

"Are we gonna leave?" Colton asked, sitting up and using both hands to push his hair off of his forehead.

"In a little bit."

"Yeah, give me a few minutes to snuggle mama too."

"Daddy, you are so weird. Come on Ben, let's go get our shoes on. Leave the crazies alone."

"Mm'kay," Ben agreed, sliding off the bed and following him out of the room.

"So how was your day?" Adam asked, scooting closer and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I couldn't sleep after you left, so I got up and I… I reorganized the closet."

"Which one?"

"Um… all of them. And then I cleaned the kitchen and then the boys got up and while they ate breakfast I cleaned the bathroom. And at some point I switched out all the winter clothes for summer clothes and put some of the boys stuff in boxes for the thrift store and I made dinner and I thought we could take it to the park and have a picnic."

"Sounds good."

She sighed and played with his fingers for a moment.

"Linds."

"I know, Adam. I know. I just… can't slow down."

"If it helps you get through the day, I'm all for it."

"Okay."

"I love you sweetheart, no matter what."

"I love you too."

He squeezed her a little tighter and ran his fingers over her arm to help calm her just a little.

"I think it might be time to fill that prescription though."

"I really don't want to," she said on a long sigh.

"I know."

"I'm scared. I don't know what it's going to do to me. What if it gives me nightmares or makes all of this worse or-"

"Stop."

"What?"

"It's okay to worry, but the more you worry the worse it's going to be. Just relax."

"Good joke honey. Just relax? Right, like I can do that."

"I don't mean that you ignore that you're scared. But if you get yourself all worked up about it, nothing is going to help."

"I know."

"I work tomorrow and then I have the next two days off. If you want, you can start with the meds after I get home tomorrow, and then I'll be here for a few days if they don't work or if it gets bad or if you just need me. Will that work?"

"Yeah. I want to get better Adam, I swear I do. I'm just… I don't… I'm scared of what it's going to take to get there."

"I am too, baby. But I'll be right there. I won't let you go. You're not doing it alone like you did before. You have me now and I'm not going away."

"I know."

"Okay, deep breath," he coached, wiping away a stray tear that had snuck from her eye. "We better get movin'."

She nodded and pulled him down for a long kiss, keeping contact until the butterflies in her stomach were gone.

"So how come you gots to have two babies Jess?" Colton asked curiously, quirking his eyebrow but making no other movements while he held the baby carefully.

"Because sometimes that happens."

"Like when a cow on Papa's farm has two babies?"

"Well I don't think I'm like a cow, but sure."

"Well who was borned first? I think boys is always borned first, but Isa's a girl and she was borned first and even Sarah was borned a'fore Junior."

Jess chuckled and adjusted the pillow under his arm.

"Liam was born first, but his sister wasn't too far behind."

"Well then Liam, that means you a big brother and you gotta take care of your sister Teagan a'cuz that your job. Even though you not that much bigger right now. Did he understand me?"

"We'll make sure to tell him later," Flack chuckled. Colton nodded and turned to Lindsay seriously.

"I think it time for us to have a baby sister."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. We just got brothers in our house."

"So you think we need to balance out?"

"I don't know what you sayin', but I think I need a sister."

"You're going to have to talk to your daddy about that one."

"Hmm. Okay."

The conversation turned to more adult things and Colton tuned it out concentrating on holding Liam just right so he was comfortable. It made his arms tired, but he could remember holding Ben and Junior when they were babies and he knew if he moved the tiniest bit, it wouldn't be so bad anymore.

"Hey Liam, I gotta tell you somethin'. I am the biggest of all us kids, and 'cuz you don't got a big brother, I could pretend to be your brother if you want. And Isa will be your big sister. 'Cuz we is all a family 'round here, that what the grown ups say. Also, I will teach you to ride a skateboard. Uncle Danny is teachin' me, but don't tell my mama. It's a secret."

Pretty soon it was time to go and Colton sighed, relinquishing Liam back to his mother.

"I could come back and hold him again? Or maybe I could hold Teagan next time. I am pretty good at holdin' babies you know."

"Yeah, you're very good at it," Jess agreed with a smile. "You can come over whenever your mama says it's okay."

"You hear that, babies? I will be back," he said softly as they headed out the door. "Really mama, you gots to have a sister for me."

"I don't know. Maybe someday."

He sighed as they waited for the elevator.

"Daddy, tell mama I need a sister."

"I don't know, buddy. I think mama and I are happy with the two boys we've got. Maybe someday we'll decide to have another baby, but for right now, we're pretty much set."

"Okay. I guess I will just have to wait."

"I guess so."

The truth was that they really did want another baby. They figured it would happen when it happened, but with everything so up in the air right now, they weren't sure it was such a good idea at the moment. Things needed to settle down and get on an even keel again before it would be fair to even think about such things. It may end up being an unfulfilled dream too, and they had to accept that. Things may never get to a place where having another baby would be good for any of them. They were both well aware that this depression affected everything in their lives.

"Hey Ben, when we get to the park, you is big enough now to do the teeter totter with me. I promise not to shoot you to the moon and I won't let you drop to the floor either."

"'Kay!" Ben agreed as Adam started the car and they headed for the park.

"And then we could go on the slide. 'Cept you have to be careful and put your feet on the ground at the end or you will fall on your tushie and all the air will go out of you."

"Oh."

"I will show you, Benny. Don't worry. I will show you."

Ben nodded while Lindsay and Adam snickered in the front seat. Colton was constantly trying to talk like an adult and mostly it just came out sounding so funny they had to laugh. He wasn't aware that they laughed at him though, so he just kept prattling on, to anyone who would listen.

They arrived at the park and Colton ran across the grass, headed for the teeter totter.

"C'mon Ben hurry! Mama will help you," he said, climbing into the seat and holding onto the handles. Ben was soon situated in his seat, laughing as he watched his brother high up in the air. But as soon as it was his turn he started to panic, gripping the handle and shaking his head.

"No, no, no, no. Down. Mama, down."

Lindsay chuckled and returned him to the ground, taking him out of the seat and making sure Colton made it back to earth okay too.

"Are you all done?" she asked as he wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Done," he repeated, eyeing the teeter totter warily.

"Benny, I will take you on the slide. Just the little one, 'kay?" Colton asked, crouching down to his eye level. Ben hesitated a moment, then let go of Lindsay and took Colton's hand. They walked over to the small play structure and Colton helped Ben up the ladder. Lindsay started to go over there, just in case a foot slipped, but she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Let them go," Adam whispered. "They're okay."

She sighed and watched as the boys sat at the top of the slide, conversing quietly for a moment before they scooted around so they could slide together. Colton wrapped his arms around Ben and pushed off and they zipped into the plastic tube. Squeals of laughter erupted from both of them in the few seconds before they came out the other side, their feet hitting the ground.

"Mo!" Ben shouted, requesting another go. Colton laughed and took his hand and they repeated the process over a few more times. Lindsay's heart swelled up in her chest, almost painfully as she watched them. They were so happy and loved each other so much and she wondered why this darkness had to come and be in the way of her always seeing that.

Adam's arm tightened around her as if he was reading her mind and he pressed his lips to hers.

"It's alright, babe. All of it. It's alright."

"I know. I was worried that this was going to hurt them but… I think they're fine. Look how happy they are."

"They look like you when they laugh."

"And they sound like you."

"Pretty perfect I think."

"I agree," she sighed, letting the smile crack across her face.

"Adam, I think they are sufficiently messy," Lindsay chuckled, watching as the melty popsicles dripped from the boys to the floor.

"Want me to pitch them in the tub?"

"Yeah, I think we're going to have to. They've both got grass stains on their knees."

Adam came into the room and laughed at the state of his sons, who were dirty and sticky and shirtless, pantsless, and shoeless. Ben still had one sock on, but it was covered in blue popsicle.

"Well, it's summer," he said, stepping over a puddle of red sugar water. "Did you guys even try to eat those things?"

"They was cold," Colton answered, chasing the last bit of popsicle down his arm. He finally managed to get it, but left a red streak all the way to his elbow. Lindsay just smiled as she leaned against the counter, loving how sunkissed and outdoorsy they looked.

"Okay, bath time," she said. Her mind clicked into overdrive and captured the split second when they both looked up at her and smiled, the evening sun glinting through their hair, bouncing off their big brown eyes. She breathed deeply and hoped to log that into the memory banks forever.

"Can we have bubbles?" Colton asked, tipping his head to the side, the same way Adam did when he asked for a back rub.

"Sure, why not."

"Yay!"

They ran off into the bathroom where Adam was already filling the tub and pouring in a generous amount of Mr. Bubbles. The boys whooped and hollered until he lifted them into the warm water where they immediately started playing some game involving submarines and horses. Adam managed to get them both clean somewhere in the middle of their made-up world, then ended up joining in.

Lindsay would have joined in too, but she was busy pacing the kitchen, warding off the anxiety attack that was starting in her chest. She was getting tired and the laughter echoing off the tiles in the bathroom was only teasing her now frayed nerves. She didn't know how it happened so fast, but she had to get out of there, to somewhere that it was quiet. Adam had seen the look on her face and knew what was happening, even though it had never happened before and she hadn't spoken a word.

She heard the tub start draining and she retreated to the bedroom, closing the door because she just didn't know if she could take it. She paced back and forth, stopping every few steps to straighten the bed or rearrange the stuff on top of the dresser. She was fidgeting and she knew it, but the bunching of her muscles made it almost impossible to stop moving. She cracked her knuckles and listened to the bedtime rituals in the other room. A chapter of a book, a short whispered conversation, and hugs and kisses before the lights went out. She hated to miss it, but tonight she had to.

"Hey," Adam said softly, coming into the room. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

"C'mere baby," he said, pulling her into his arms. He held her tight enough that she couldn't get away and he could feel the exhaustion taking over. She'd pushed herself too hard today, didn't store up enough energy reserves to make it until she fell asleep. That's all it was. They swayed gently and he dropped a kiss to her hair while she let her brain slow back down. It took a few minutes as her mind ran through its image bank, flashing on the mental pictures that she held so dearly. They brought her back to a place where she was safe again, where she wasn't worried about falling farther, just about holding on.

"I need to go to sleep," she said finally. He didn't reply, just moved to the bed and pulled the blankets back, guiding her to sit on the mattress. He took her shaking hands in his and kissed her fingertips slowly before urging her to lay back against the pillows. She sighed as he removed her socks and her shirt, then slowly slid her jeans off and dropped them to the floor. He left her tanktop on and replaced the blankets over her, then brushed her hair back from her face.

"I love you, dearlin'," he said, kissing her softly. She smiled at his combination of dear and darling, a term he hadn't used in a very long time.

"I love you too. Thank you."

"Infinity. Go to sleep baby. I'll still be holdin' your hand."