The small pill rolled back and forth on the palm of her hand, as she contemplated taking it. It was such a small object, but it could really change things. For bad or for good. It was terrifying to think how something that she could crush between her fingers could also make or break her. She'd woken this morning with apprehension, knowing what was coming. Austin had listened to about ten minutes of waffling on the subject before she laid down some tough love.

"Linds, you can take it or not. It doesn't matter to me or anyone else. Just make sure that you don't make your decision just because you're scared, because you could miss out on something that might be good. I love you no matter what you do or who you are. You do this for you."

Adam had said much the same thing, all day long sending her texts saying that she was brave and strong and he would always love her. The words helped her to feel better, but they didn't change the fact that this was a risk.

"Babe, are you gonna eat?" Adam asking, pulling her chair out from the table

"Yeah," she whispered, sitting down and setting the pill on the table.

"What's that mama?"

"It's just medicine. Eat your dinner."

Adam reached over and took her hand, stroking his thumb over her knuckles while they ate quietly. After a moment she sighed and picked up the pill, looking it over a few times before finally putting it in her mouth and swallowing it. Adam squeezed her hand, knowing how difficult that simple act had been for her. He knew the nervousness was making her nauseous, but she ate her dinner anyway, trying to put on a good face for the boys. He was proud of her for all that she was doing and he was going to do everything he could to make sure she knew that.

"Well boys I guess since you're playing with your dinner you're done eating."

"I guess we're full. Time to go play?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Adam said, reaching over and wiping Ben's face and hands before they dashed into the other room.

"You alright love?"

"Yeah. I just… I should have told you what happened before. What it was like."

"If you want to tell me you can, but you don't have to. I don't want you letting yourself think this is going to be like last time. Okay?"

"I know."

"Let's just live in the moment for now."

"Alright."

He tugged on her hand and she moved over into his lap, resting against him and sighing.

"I love you, Linds."

"I know. Thank you for taking care of me."

"You're welcome. I have a feeling I might not get to keep you otherwise."

She gave a half smile and stood from the table.

"Want to help me with the dishes?"

"Sure. Want to make me some popcorn later?"

"Half burnt? Sure."

He smiled and stood up, kissing her deeply.

"I'm proud of you, sweetie. I hope you know that."

"I know."

"Come on, let's not sit here and get our heads all in a twist about this. Whatever happens is going to happen and it doesn't need to take up our time right now."

"Thank for the perspective babe."

They piled the dishes into the sink and started to wash them, forgoing the dishwasher because it used a lot of water and ran loud. It had always been something they liked to do together anyway, and reminded them both of the early days. She loved the way he would snake his hand under the bubbles and wrap his fingers around hers teasingly before retreating and going back to drying a plate. It always made her stomach do flips and she would look over at him accusingly and he would smile back like nothing had just happened. She called him a jerk and he smiled and leaned over and kissed her, pulling away just when she decided to give in.

"You're so mean," she pouted, grabbing a palm full of bubbles and blowing them in his face.

"You love me. Hard."

She made a gagging noise and he splashed dirty dishwater on her before pushing her gently against the counter and kissing her properly. She wanted to pull him closer but her hands were soapy so she used them to brace herself against the counter.

"Do you have any idea how bad I want you right now?" he whispered before running his lips over her ear.

"Probably the same amount you always do," she managed to reply as he moved on to her neck.

"Nah. More."

"Why do you always do this when the boys are awake?"

"Because it drives you crazy."

"Gonna drive you crazier in about three seconds when one of them wanders in here and asks what we're doing."

He sighed and moved away from her, shaking his head.

"Babe, you really know how to kill a mood."

"Don't blame this on me. You started it about two hours too early."

"So you're saying if I try again in two hours?"

"I might fall asleep before that."

"I could turn a movie on for the boys…"

The look in his eyes had an interesting agreement on the tip of her tongue, but that went away as they both heard little feet shuffling across the floor.

"Hi mama."

"Hi Ben."

"Play?"

"Yeah, we'll come play in a few minutes. Just give me and daddy some time to finish our own game, okay?"

Adam snickered as Ben nodded and ran out of the room.

"Linds."

"What?"

"You're… amazing."

She smiled and hugged him tightly.

"You're not so bad yourself. I love you."

"I love you too sweetie. Come on, let's go take care of those things that we caused with the other thing."

She'd fallen asleep relaxed and happy, not even worried about what the pill was going to do to her. She'd actually forgotten about it completely as he showed her how real his love was. Now she laid next to him, sleeping deeply, wrapped warmly in the blankets while he sat awake checking the internet again for the kinds of things to expect if the medication went wrong. He knew he was scaring himself with it, but he needed to be prepared for this. He needed to know how best to help her if something happened.

So far he had found that the most common side effects were a worsening of the feelings of depression, more thoughts of suicide, higher levels of anxiety, and a disturbance in sleep habits. These were things she was aware of and afraid of, and they both knew what to look for, so he wasn't worried about it taking either of them by surprise. He just didn't want her to give up on this because she was scared or it was too hard.

It was a few hours later, almost one in the morning when she whimpered in her sleep and rolled over. He glanced over at her, watching in the artificial light of the computer to see if she was breathing normally. It was a little fast, but not enough to worry him. He kept vigil for a moment, reaching over to rub her back before he went back to work. He really should try and go to sleep, it was getting late and he knew the boys would be up early. Sighing, he turned the computer off and put it on the side table before settling into bed. His eyes had been closed for less than a minute before he heard her whimpering again.

"No," she muttered, her body tensing as if she had just been slapped. "Stop."

"Linds."

"Let me go!" she shouted suddenly. "Leave me alone. Let me die."

"Lindsay!" he said, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her into a sitting position. She arched her back and tried to get away from him, twisting back and forth in a desperate attempt to be free.

"Kill me," she wailed as he held on. "Kill me now. I want to die."

He knew it was a nightmare, knew she was in a horrible state of sleep addled mind, but he couldn't bear hearing the words coming from her. He couldn't stand the feeling it gave him and he felt his own tears starting as he held her.

"Lindsay, wake up. Please baby, wake up. You're safe. I have you."

"Let me go. Let me die."

He couldn't handle it anymore and he shook her shoulders, calling her name until a sharp intake of breath told him she was awake.

"No!" she screamed, pushing against him and fighting to get up. She wanted to run, she wanted to run so badly but he wasn't going to let her out of his sight. He didn't know what she was going to try. Her fists crashed into his chest with severity and he knew they were going to leave marks and she would feel guilty in the morning.

"Lindsay, it's Adam. Come back to me."

Her fists moved from his chest up to her head and she pulled at her hair and shook her head back and forth. She was either not fully awake or not aware of what was a dream and what was real.

"Get it out. Get it out of me. I don't want it."

He risked her flying out of his arms as he carefully reached up and pulled her hands down. She twisted again and he almost lost his grip on her, and even though he didn't want to, pinning her down seemed like the best idea at this point. She was still crying and begging to die, her arms almost pinwheeling to push him back. He laid her down against the bed and pinned her arms down, hating what he was doing but knowing no other way. She managed to get one leg free and dealt him a swift kick to his shin.

"Ow! Linds, come on baby, wake up."

She grunted and tried once more to get away as her brain caught up with what was happening and she was allowed to see what was reality.

"Adam?"

"It's okay. It's me. I'm here."

She shuddered out a sob and he fell down beside her, pulling her more gently into his arms. Her entire body was shaking with exertion and she felt as if she was falling so deep, somewhere she would never be able to get out of.

"It's okay love."

"Make it go away," she begged, seeming to almost shrink against him. "It's killing me."

"Shh. It's not killing you. You're still here, I still have you."

"Don't let it take me."

"It won't baby."

"I can't breathe. My chest hurts."

He helped her sit up again and he rubbed her back and shoulders until she managed to catch a regular breath. He could feel the heat of her body through the old t-shirt she was wearing, and wondered if all the exertion had given her a fever. She breathed for a moment and he held her clammy hands between his.

"I'm going to be sick," she said, jumping up from the bed and running into the bathroom. The door slammed behind her and he stood slowly, waiting until the toilet flushed before he opened the door. She was leaning up against the bathtub, her knees pulled to her chest as she rested her cheek against the cool porcelain. Wordlessly he got her a cup of water and brought it to her lips. She took a small sip and sunk back again, closing her eyes.

"Come on baby. You can't sleep in here."

She didn't say anything as he reached down and helped her up, didn't even make a noise when her legs failed her and he carried her back into their bedroom. Quietly, he straightened the blankets and tucked her into them, leaving the room for a moment to get her a glass of fresher water. He set it next to the bed and climbed in next to her, turning on his side and propping his head up on his elbow. She didn't say anything, just stared at the ceiling with a blank expression on her face. He wondered if the lights coming in from outside were messing with her mind, making it harder to relax, but he didn't know what to do to get rid of them. They came through the curtains anyway. He leaned down and nuzzled against her neck, brushing her hair back from her face.

"Lindsay."

She didn't say a word, didn't move, didn't do anything to acknowledge the fact that he had said her name or was even laying there next to her. He wondered for a moment if she had even heard him, and he squeezed her hand to get her attention. She let out a shuddering breath, but didn't make any other moves.

"Sweetie, please look at me," he said, turning her to face him. "I love you. Do you feel that?"

She just stared at him and he sighed, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

"I know you're in there, baby. Please come back to me. Come on, don't let this get you. Please, say something."

She wrinkled her forehead and opened her mouth, but couldn't squeak out a word or even look him in the eyes.

"It's okay. I know you're trying babe. That's all we need. Just try. The rest will come."

He slid his hand over her stomach until he found her skin, then rubbed his thumb back and forth until her hand slowly met his and gripped tightly.

"You're going to be okay, love. It's all going to be okay. I love you so much. I'm never letting you go. No matter what. You're mine."

She sighed and he held her close not knowing if it was better for her to fall asleep or stay awake. Whichever way she went, she needed to be relaxed. He continued moving his thumb back and forth, then laid down and let his other hand stroke through her hair.

"Let it go. You just hold onto me."

It was a long night in which neither of them slept much. He was too worried about her to relax and she couldn't keep her eyes closed. When morning broke and the boys got up, Adam knew he was going to have to call in reinforcements. He could see it in Lindsay's eyes, she wanted to get up and move, but she just couldn't talk her body into it. He was hoping it would just be one day like this, until the medicine finally released its hold.

He stood from the bed and replaced the blankets around her, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"I'm going to go take care of the boys. You join us when you can, okay?'

She managed a little nod and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek.

"I love you."

Her eyes said it back to him and he gave her a smile before he left the room.

The boys were already in the kitchen, Ben holding onto the chair that Colton had used to climb onto the counter and get them a box of cereal.

"So you guys don't need me here, huh?"

"Want some Cookie Crisp?"

"Now let me tell you a little story about Cookie Crisp," Adam chuckled, taking Colton off the counter and filling two bowls with milk and cereal. "When I was little I never, ever got to have Cookie Crisp."

"Why not?"

"Because your grandma said it was just cookies. I thought it was cereal, but she said it was just cookies and I wasn't allowed to have cookies for breakfast. So one day, I took my Christmas money to the store and I bought a box. But on the way home I realized that I would have to eat all of it before I got home so I wouldn't get in trouble. And lemme tell you son, Cookie Crisp is just cookies."

"So you don't want any?"

"Nah, I'll just have Cap'n Crunch."

"Mama says that's full of sugar and empty cal'ries."

"Yeah, but she bought it anyway. And she eats it when she thinks no one is looking."

"I know 'acuz she's a sneaky lady huh?"

"Yeah, she is."

"Where is mama, daddy?"

"She's still sleeping. She's not feeling good."

"Oh. She sick still huh?"

"Yeah."

"I wish she could get better."

"Me too."

"She taked her medicine, I watched her."

"I know."

Colton sighed and spooned some cereal into his mouth.

"Me and Ben was talkin' and we think it time to go to the zoo 'gain. Ben wantsa see the elephants."

"Oh, Ben does huh?"

"Yep. We should go so he will be happy."

"Maybe tomorrow when mama's feeling better."

"But what will we do today when she is not feeling better?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go outside? It's sunshiney."

Adam sighed and put the milk back in the fridge. He really didn't want to leave Lindsay alone like this especially not for too long. He really hated keeping the boys cooped up though. He was being pulled in too many directions.

"Maybe later mama will be feeling better and we can go somewhere."

"Okay. I hope so. But me and Ben can play in our room if we can't go bye."

"We'll find something fun to do. Maybe I can find the fingerpaints and you can make something for mama."

"That make her feel better."

Adam nodded as his cell phone rang. The call was from Austin and he wondered for a minute why she was calling so early.

"Hey Aust."

"Hey. Sorry for calling so early, I've been up a while."

"That's okay. What's up?"

"How's Linds doing?"

He sighed and went into the other room so the boys wouldn't overhear.

"She had a hard night. We didn't sleep much."

"Nightmares?"

"She had a bad one and it… I don't know, she woke up and now it's like she can't speak or something. She just lays there. She's trying, it's like she can't make the words come out."

Austin sighed on the other end and he knew she was playing with a loose thread from the rip in her jeans.

"What do we do?"

"I have no idea, Aust."

"I um… I could come over."

"No, that's okay. I'm sure you've got other stuff to do today."

"Not really. Danny's brother is coming over, I can escape for a couple hours. I can distract the boys or you can take them and I'll stay with Lindsay."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know. But she would do the same thing for me. And how dare you try to keep me away from my best friend!"

He gave a wry chuckle.

"C'mon Adam. Give yourself some time with the boys. I'll be over after lunch. The end."

"You're a demanding woman, Austin Messer."

"I know what's good for you."

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

He hung up the phone and sat back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey daddy?"

"Hey Colton?"

"Mama not sleepin' no more. I go in there and she won't talk to me. She just layin' down."

"I think her throat is hurting her," he lied. "Let's just leave her alone for now, okay? You two go ahead and play while I take a shower."

"Okay daddy. I will keep Ben safe."

"Thanks."

"She still in bed?" Austin asked, setting a bag of groceries on the counter.

"Yeah. What's that?"

"Get your nose outta here Dum," she said, shoving him away. "It's for Lindsay not you."

"She won't eat."

"Yeah she will."

"No she won't."

"I'll make her."

"Aust, she's not just being stubborn."

"I know that. Just lemme try my way?"

"Okay. I'm just going to take the boys and run some errands. We should only be gone a few hours. And you can call me if you need me. She got… she was fighting pretty hard last night."

"I can handle it. Go. We'll be okay."

He sighed and motioned for the boys to come with him.

"Austin look, all us boys is wearing the same shoes!" Colton exclaimed, looking down at their Chucks.

"Yeah, that's because you're spiffy," Austin replied, leaning down to hug him. "Go have fun with your daddy."

"Okay. You help my mama to feel better."

"I'll do my best Colton."

The boys headed out the door and Austin tiptoed into the bedroom to check on Lindsay. She was in the middle of the bed, turned on her side with the blankets tucked tightly around her and she looked absolutely forlorn.

"Hey," Austin greeted, flopping down on the bed next to her and knowing she wasn't going to respond. "Geez, you guys have a comfortable mattress. You get to sleep on this and I sleep on lumps and springs every night. Not fair. Danny's buying me a new one."

She rolled over and pulled a pillow under her head and sighed.

"So you're having a hard time getting up. I know the feeling. You really want to but your body is working against you or something. It sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world and you're wondering if you're going to get out of it. And I think you really want to say something right now but you can't because the words just aren't connecting. And that's okay. We can deal with that later. But you're going to have to start somewhere."

Lindsay looked up at her, eyes wide.

"You're wondering how I know. I'll tell you that later. For right now, I'm going to make you lunch. It shouldn't take me too long. Half an hour. You have that long to figure out how to get out of bed."

Lindsay's look was one of shock. Adam had just let her lie there, figuring out for herself when to get up. Austin on the other hand… well she had never been one to let someone off easy.

"Sorry Linds. I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you," Austin sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "And I really love you a lot, so I ain't givin' you no outs here. You want to ask what I am gonna do if you don't get up in half an hour. I'll come in here and get you up myself. And you are going to hate that. A lot."

A look passed between them and Austin stood up.

"Half an hour, okay? And don't come out here before that because I have been sworn to secrecy on this recipe and you'll make that face and I'll give it to you and then feel guilty and also the wrath of Danny's mother will come into play. Don't put me in that position Linds."

The joke earned her a tiny smile and she returned it before going out to the kitchen. She'd chopped the vegetables and cooked the chicken earlier, while Danny hovered over her shoulder, and it didn't take long to get the noodles cooking in the chicken broth. She put the vegetables in then cleaned up the mess she had made before adding the chicken and seasoning. She was feeling pretty good about herself, even after she tasted it, and she hummed lightly as she moved around the kitchen, getting bowls and spoons knowing where everything was almost without thinking about it.

Everything was done soon and she was just setting things on the table when Lindsay shuffled into the room.

"And she walks! It's a miracle!"

Lindsay just stared at her, blinking for a few seconds.

"You know how they always say we talk without speaking? All that practice has been leading up to this moment. Sit down, I promise the food won't kill you."

Lindsay sat and slowly grabbed the spoon drawing her knees up to her chest before she attempted a bite. Her eyes got round and she swallowed hard, looking up at Austin nearly flabbergasted.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you there's ginger in it. What would you call that? Puttin' some hitch in your… giddy-up?"

Lindsay smiled and attempted the soup again. Once she had a chance to prepare her palate it was actually pretty good.

"Danny made this for me a long time ago. After I got out of the hospital, when he saved me… well anyway, he made a huge pot of it and it's pretty much all I wanted to eat for a week. I have to say though, mine is better than his. But his mom does it in the crock pot and I am pretty sure it could cure cancer and stupidity. I know. Even stupidity."

Lindsay smirked and her eyes drifted down to her bowl while she sighed.

"You know Linds, it's okay. It's not your fault. And no one who knows you would ever believe that you're not trying. Everyone knows how strong you are, and this is just… it's just hard. I know you're thinkin' about that. I know you too well to think this doesn't bother you."

Lindsay nodded a little and Austin got up from her chair and moved to the one closer to her friend.

"I love you. Adam loves you and Danny loves you and the kids love you and that's not going to change. You've got all of us, no matter what. You read me?"

There was a short nod, but Austin knew she'd gotten through, so she stood up and sighed.

"You'd better eat that before I steal it from you, Linds. I'm not afraid of germs."

Lindsay smirked and finished, half amused as she watched Austin move around the kitchen like a mother hen. She wanted so badly to say something snarky but she just couldn't quite get her mouth around the words.

"I'll finish in here. You go take a shower because it will make you feel better and it's productive and you can't live in that t-shirt forever even if you do look all cute and tousled as I am sure Adam really likes."

She was given waggled eyebrows for the comment and she smiled, knowing she wasn't all the way back, knowing she wasn't even near it, but knowing she wasn't completely lost either.

"Sit down, I'll braid your hair. It's easy when you don't want to get up because it doesn't get dirty as fast. Plus when you take it out it'll be crimped like it's 1987 and you can listen to George Michael albums all night long."

Lindsay arched one eyebrow but relinquished the brush before sitting down on the couch. The TV was playing quietly but neither one of them were paying attention to the "Who's the baby daddy" episode of Maury.

"Wake me up, before you go-go, don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo," Austin mumbled under her breath. "Wake me up, before you go-go, I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high."

Lindsay turned her head slightly and stared while Austin giggled.

"Sorry. Sometimes I think about the 80's and wham! I think of Wham. And you're wondering what planet I dropped off of."

Lindsay let out a chuckle, surprising both of them.

"Okay, I can do a French braid or a regular here and stop dropping your jaw, yes I know both. I did a stint as a girl a few years back. Just watch out, I might side-ponytail you."

They were quiet for a few minutes, Lindsay keeping her eyes closed and letting herself relax.

"Austin?" she said finally, her voice shaking and strained, but still clear.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime. This will get better Linds. I promise. You're strong and when you feel you aren't, you've got me."

"I know."

"I'll put it in a song in case you ever forget."

"I won't."

Austin secured an elastic band in the braid then reached forward and pulled Lindsay gently into her arms.

"You just keep talkin' Lin. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you. And I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."