Chapter Forty Nine

It was the first time Helena realised that Sirius had enchanted his bike to fly; when suddenly she was watching hers shrink away from them as they shot into the night air away from their picnic sight. So much for getting away from it all. In addition to the flight, they were also travelling at fantastic speeds. She was glad of the extra protection her leathers provided; at this altitude, the cold October air was biting. Finally though, they landed at Headquarters. There weren't many there: James, obviously, who looked like he was choking back vomit, and with his fists clenched on his knees; Lily, who was a shade rather paler than merely white; Moony and Wormtail, neither of whom were looking at anyone, and Dumbledore, who was staring very intently into the fireplace. Harry was held in an iron grip in his mother's arms, but that didn't seem to bother him too much. It saddened Helena immensely that the reason for that was probably because he was used to having every adult around him living in fear.

"What happened?"

"Fire," James managed. "By the time they could put it out … But it wasn't an accident."

Helena winced. She knew the kind of damage that fire could inflict on the human body. It would be impossible to tell if Mrs Potter had been tortured first, if she had been murdered first, or simply paralysed and left to burn. "I'm so sorry, James."

He shruggled helplessly.

"She had all the same protections as you, didn't she?" Sirius asked. His words were practical, but his tone was furious. The Potters had been very kind to him, for a long time. To know that Mrs Potter had been hunted and murdered like that was awful.

"Yeah. Yeah, all the same."

"What- What are you going to do now?" Peter asked.

"I'm all open to suggestions, Wormtail! Do you have any?"

Wormtail shrank back at James' approach. "I didn't mean-"

"No? No thoughts whatsoever on how to keep my son safe from a fucking madman?"

Helena took his arm. "James, it's not his fault."

"And it's not your fault, either, is it?" James asked, turning furious hazel eyes on her.

She stayed silenct and met his gaze steadily. The bright fury burned out to reveal the pain underneath, and he pulled his arm out of her grasp. The silence returned. No one was looking at anyone else, too busy trying to read guilt in split second glances.

"We need to put in place more protections," Sirius continued.

"More?" Lily asked. "What more is there? We've utilised every charm, every hex, every spell-"

"Fidelius Charm," Sirius interrupted.

"What?"

"We haven't used the Fidelius Charm. It's impenetrable."

"Providing that one is judicious when choosing the Secret-Keeper," Dumbledore put in. Helena couldn't get a read on him at all. "And caution is placed above all."

"But it would work?" Lily asked.

"Yes. It could protect you and Harry from harm for as long as necessary. But again, I must impress how crucial the choice of Secret-Keeper is. It must be someone that you and James trust absolutely. Someone who could never be induced to betray you, no matter what they might be offered, no matter what tortures they may have to undergo." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "May I suggest that the two of you take some time to think about it, carefully."

"We don't have time to use like that, Dumbledore," Lily said.

"At least a little time. Your lives – Harry's life – depends upon your decision being a wise one."

"We'll leave you alone," Moony said.

He was the first to disapparate, followed by Wormtail. Dumbledore wandered to a far corner of the room. "No point in you two going," James said, as Helena and Sirius went over to the fireplace. "If we trust anyone …"

"Stop," Helena said. "I need to go, at least. In my right mind I'd never betray you, but I might not always be in my right mind. If Voldemort got hold of me he could well bring Lady V out, and then you'd be in even more danger."

"There is also the impact of the spell to consider," Dumbledore's voice came floating over to them. "I take it you intend to use Mr Black as your Secret-Keeper?"

"Of course. There's no one we trust more."

"The spell will not be of short duration. At the very least, it will need to extend until Harry comes to Hogwarts. That is some time away. It's not a decision you're making for yourselves alone. You should take time before you agree, Sirius, as much as Lily and James should to consider."

That was true. She quickly did the maths; assuming that James and Lily had to go into hiding until Harry was ready to start at Hogwarts, they were talking at least ten years. That meant ... Sirius had also worked out what it meant, and took her hand. "Can we have twelve hours?"

"Yes. But it would be unwise to take longer than that to come to a decision," Dumbledore said.

Helena wasn't really aware of how they got home, all she knew was that they were suddenly in the library, a fire dancing in the huge fireplace and bathing them both in a cheerful golden glow that belied how awful this discussion was going to be.

As soon as they were alone in their too-big house, Helena had turned away and was clenching and unclenching her hands rhythmically, apparently trying to calm herself down. He wanted nothing more in the world to comfort her, but there weren't any words that would be true. Still, if she needed him, that was that.

"Hellfire?"

"I know, it's- I know."

"If you don't want me to agree, I won't."

"How can you say that?" she cried.

"Because it's true! Yes they're our best friends, but- I love you. You are my priority here. If you need me-"

She made a choking sound. "If I need you? If there's going to be a day in the next decade where I need you? Just one? Or two? Or, is there a limit here? As long as I can go no more than a week where I need you, once a year for the next ten, it'll somehow be fine?"

He had nothing to say. It was only when she turned around and had tears in her eyes that he realised he did too.

"Ten years, Padfoot. At least."

There were hours' worth of argument to be had after this. That it wasn't fair. That their lives would be put on hold. A decade without any way of communicating with one another could strain their love to breaking. That Sirius would be the most hunted man in Britain. That Helena would be deprived of her only real family. That her mental health, still not entirely sound, would be in real jeopardy. That the Order of the Phoenix would be drastically weakened without Sirius, Lily and James. That in the ten years it took for Harry to grow up, Voldemort could win and there mightn't be a Hogwarts to go to, rendering the whole thing pointless anyway.

There was only one counter-argument to these indisputable facts.

Lily, James and Harry's lives were in danger - and this could protect them.

"You have to. Of course you have to."

"But- Ten years."

Her face finally crumpled into sobs, but while they cried into each other, she was still shaking her head. Simple arithmetic.

"Do you know where you'll go?" she asked, once the raw edge of sadness had been sheared off, and hollow grief left behind.

"I've got a few places in mind."

"Just make sure you take a really good photo of Harry with you. Remind you why you're doing this."

"Need one of you too, Hellfire."

"Take one of the wedding." She dredged up a smile from somewhere, a comforting expression that Sirius tried to store away. He'd need that comfort in days to come. "That way it'll remind you that I'm waiting for you. Long as it takes."

"You don't have to," he blurted.

Helena looked confused. "What do you mean? You're my husband, I'm not going to forget about you just because we have to separate for a while!"

"No, I didn't mean you would. I just meant-"

"You just meant what ?"

She was pissed off with him now. That was better than the images of despair in his head. That was what he feared. "I don't want you to be lonely."

Her expression gentled. "But it's okay for you to be lonely? Padfoot, please don't imagine that I'm going to disappear into a black hole of depression and isolation the moment you're gone. There will be hard times. There will be days when I might not be able to get out of bed or when I can't breathe for crying. But it's not going to destroy me."

"I know," he smiled, cupping her face and pressing a kiss to her determined mouth. "You're stronger than that."

"Too bloody right. Now, are you finished worrying about stupid things?"

"Not by a long shot."

She took his hands. "Sirius, you are wasting time that could be put to better use. Believe me, if I have to spend the next decade celibate, then I am not wasting tonight."

Like previous nights recently, it was another time they didn't sleep for hours on end. This time though, it was because both of them were desperate to absorb every detail of the other. Sirius tried to map her every line and curve, and she tried to commit to memory every aspect of how it felt when they came together. Afterwards, in the silence that was all there could be, he could see Helena struggled not to cry. Could feel himself doing the same thing.

"If I'm going to be brave, then it's okay to be afraid first, isn't it?" she whispered.

"I am."

"So am I. I'm so scared, Padfoot. And I promise I'll be brave tomorrow but right now ..." She sniffed. "What if I'm killed and no one can tell you? What if he wins and pulls out Lady V again and I can't break out? What if without you I'm not strong enough to?"

"Bollocks. I didn't save you, Hellfire, I just reminded you who you are. And you have to keep hold of that, you hear me? No matter what might happen, you keep hold of who you are."

"I'll try." She swallowed and changed the subject. "You know tomorrow will be the first Halloween you and I have spent apart since we were children? Since we were eleven?"

"Sounds about right. Ten years on, ten years off," he joked.

"Can we make a promise that we'll spend Halloween in ten years' time together? Harry will have started Hogwarts that September."

"I promise."

"So do I."

When dawn broke, Helena handed him a linen-wrapped package. "Just mementos," she explained. "Don't open it now."

"Alright."

Food was a long way from both their minds, so they went without breakfast and went to HQ together. Helena wanted to say goodbye to Lily, James and Harry properly. It was a short farewell. A hug with James. A hug with Lily, though the two women exchanged some hushed words that they apparently did not intend for anyone else to hear. Harry, she picked up for an embrace and a kiss.

"You be good, little one. Have some fun too. Remind your parents it's okay to smile." She kissed his mess of black hair again. "See you, Harry."

She gave him back to his mother, and then turned to Dumbledore. "I'll see you soon, Professor, I'm sure. Anything I can do."

"Thank you, Helena."

Sirius couldn't speak when she faced him. Tears were now tracking down her cheeks, entirely silently and almost unnoticed. Maybe she didn't know she was crying. The others found something else to occupy them as she stepped into his arms.

"Look at it this way," she said, "at least you're not going to land yourself in shit if you forget our anniversary."

He let out a watery chuckle. "That's true."

"I love you, Padfoot. Always."

"I love you, Hellfire."

One more lingering kiss, and then she disapparated without a second look. Sirius swiped his palms roughly over his eyes and swallowed, before joining the others. "Let's get this show on the road then, shall we?"

"There are a few moments of preparation I need first," Dumbledore said.

"Alright."

James walked over to Sirius and hugged him. "Sirius, mate ..."

"I know, I know. You're welcome."

James let go of him and clasped his shoulder. "You sure about this?"

"If you are."

"Definitely. There's no one we trust more than you."

Lily nodded firmly. "You're the obvious choice."

Something clicked in his head. "I am, aren't I..."

"Dumbledore shouldn't be too long, hopefully."

"Hang on a second," Sirius said. "I've had an idea."

There was a jack o' lantern in the doorway of the house across the street. Two of them, in fact, the bright orange of the pumpkins fading as the daylight did. At dusk, a man and his two young children came out with lighters and placed candles in the pumpkins' cavities. At once, the vegetables became monstrous, bulbous creatures threatening the street. The one on the left looked unsettlingly like the Dark Mark.

Helena looked at her own jack o' lanterns, still on the kitchen table. She'd carved them with magic, of course, so the overall finish was decidedly superior to what her muggle neighbours had come up with. The designs reflected her mood though: on this one, there was the outline of a massive canine, which anyone else would have assumed to be a werewolf. Not so. Still, she enjoyed carving the first one, having carefully researched what muggles' impressions of witches were. The hat was accurate, if extremely old-fashioned, though after that they'd apparently confused 'witch' with 'hag', if the nose, warts and green pallor were anything to go by. Wandering around London looking at muggle Halloween had entertained her most of the day, as well as taste-testing the muggle sweets she'd bought. The chocolate, in its shiny purple wrapper, she liked. Everything else had paled in comparison to magical treats.

After a quick dinner - soup and a roll of crusty bread - she retired to the library and spend the evening reading about potion creation. She treasured Lily's gift to her, but there was no guarantee that she wouldn't lose or otherwise accidentally destroy the instructions for making it again. Knowing more couldn't hurt. Plus, she now had a lot of time to fill. She had a small and steady stream of trick-or-treaters throughout the night, until about ten, then she decided she would have a bath and go to bed. There were a few routine spells she normally cast on herself at the end of the month, hair potions she might douse herself in; health and beauty charms. Some of them could wait until tomorrow, and some of them she literally wouldn't have to worry about now for the next decade.

Climbing into bed, she tried not to think about the next three thousand (minimum) nights that lay ahead of her, not sharing it with anyone. Helena was determined that she wasn't going to sleep badly. Tomorrow she might cry herself to sleep, but not tonight. She had to start as she meant to go on. A cold bed would soon warm up once she was in it, after all. The mental preparation did nothing at all to help though; she lay and stared at the ceiling without feeling as though sleep was anywhere in the immediate vicinity. Half an hour after she'd blown out the candles her resolution not to spend the night weeping was in shreds. The idea of spending night after night like this, without him, for years had set off a howling storm of protest under her ribs. If she opened her mouth she'd end up screaming with it. She knew heartbreak hurt but hadn't been prepared to experience an actual, physical pain-

A floorboard creaked on the landing.

Instantly, Helena was out of bed with her wand in her hand, the tears still wet on her face. The bedroom door opened to reveal a shadowy form that she would have recognised anywhere.

"Sirius?" she whispered.

"Easy, Hellfire, it's me."

"That's exactly what a Death Eater would sat," she replied, failing to prevent the hope coming through clearly in her voice. "What- What did I make you for breakfast this morning?"

"We didn't have breakfast this morning. Neither of us felt hungry."

It was enough for Helena. She more or less threw her wand away and launched herself into his arms. "But how- How are you here, what about-"

He smiled. "It's all taken care of. It's going to be alright."

She believed him.

Relief and joy and adoration of each other carried them past midnight, to the witching hour itself. But the glow in which they basked, at being reunited far earlier than they could have dreamed, was called to an abrupt and brutal end.

A/N: So, we're coming to a breaking point in the story, which you all know.

This story is stupidly long by now (seriously, I have written shorter novels), and what I would like your opinion on is: Would you like me to continue this story after Chapter 50 (there is more), or would you prefer a sequel?

Please let me know!