Chapter 32, chock full of niff-y drama!
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I have to tell him the truth.
Nick got out of his car in the Dalton Academy parking lot with his mind set. He had a little time before classes started, so he started inside to find Jeff. He knew it wouldn't be easy to do, but he had to tell Jeff about the blackmail. Nothing was worse than losing Jeff—he could handle the consequences, as long as he got Jeff back.
He remembered Jeff's first class was Latin II. He started down the corridors leading to the foreign language wing of Dalton. Just his luck, it was practically on the other side of the school from his first period Calculus. If he actually caught Jeff in enough time, he would surely be late for class.
He was almost there when someone stopped him. "Hey, Nick!"
He recognized the voice. He almost ignored it, but instead turned around to face Sebastian. "Yes? What is it?" he demanded a little impatiently. "I was just about to—"
"—talk to Jeff?" Sebastian guessed, cutting him off.
Nick frowned and nodded. "Why does it matter to you?"
Sebastian clicked his tongue with disappointment and shook his head. "Pathetic. You can't even go one weekend without him before you go crawling back? It's disgraceful," Sebastian muttered. "I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but he seemed to be having a pretty great time without you."
Nick clenched his jaw. "What?" he asked warily. "What do you mean?"
"Your beloved little Jeff had a date over the weekend," Sebastian answered coldly. "He's already replaced you. I guess you mean less to him than you thought."
Nick's entire body seemed to go cold. "A date…?" he echoed. They had only just broken up! They still had a chance to fix things. Jeff wouldn't do this. "I don't believe you," Nick said bravely.
"Aw, it hurts that you don't trust me," Sebastian murmured. Nick could have sworn he heard a hint of malicious pleasure in his voice. "But I prepared for such a reaction. You see, I have proof."
Nick had a sudden insane urge to run away. He didn't want to see proof. Ignorance was bliss, right? He'd rather live in denial. Yet he couldn't seem to look away when Sebastian took out his phone and showed him a picture.
It was of Jeff and another guy. The background was too dark to tell where they were at, but their faces were nearly touching, they were so close to one another. Nick bit his lip to hide the frown that had set on his mouth. Did Jeff have his arm around that other guy? It was hard to tell, but…
"This doesn't prove anything," Nick decided, determined to deny himself the truth.
"Oh?" Sebastian said. "The other guy is my good friend, Jonah." He smirked when he noticed Nick's reaction to the name. "I see you recognize the name. He and I met Jeff at Scandals a while ago, and your boyfriend hit things off real well with Jonah. You should have seen them, talking and dancing together… Of course, Jonah can do much better, as can you." His coldly mischievous expression hardened. "Face it, Nick. He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself."
"That's not true," Nick protested weakly. He still couldn't process the idea that he had already been replaced. This had to be one of Sebastian's sick jokes. He was only trying to mess with Nick's head. Nick knew Jeff. They'd been best friends for years. This wasn't the kind of thing Jeff would do. Was it?
The photo was incriminating, but it wasn't proof.
Sebastian sighed with exasperation. "You're hopeless. But I suppose I should expect this sort of self-loathing, self-destructive behavior from you."
Nick clenched his teeth but said nothing. He knew that was a reference to his journal.
"Just ask him. He might actually tell the truth," Sebastian suggested. "Or call up his hotter older brother. He was there, too." He motioned to his phone. "Needless to say, Jonah kept me well updated through Facebook." The bell sounded and Sebastian waved goodbye. "Anyways, take some time to let this sink in… Catch you in Warbler's practice." He continued down the foreign language hall.
Nick shook his head vigorously as if to clear it and turned around to rush back to Calculus.
He hunted Jeff down during lunch period. The blonde wasn't in the lunchroom or the lobby, so naturally, Nick checked outside for his ex-boyfriend. After sweeping almost the entire outside of Dalton, Nick finally found him all alone in the garden, seated at the edge of an elegant, rounded stone fountain. He was sitting at the outside rim of the fountain cross-legged, idly picking the petals off of a pink carnation and dropping them into the water.
He didn't look much happier than Nick felt… Maybe Sebastian really had been messing with his head? Nick approached Jeff quietly and stopped a few feet away when Jeff seemed to notice him. He tossed the remains of the desecrated carnation in the fountain and swung his legs around the outside of the fountain to face Nick.
"Nick," he greeted with a hint of surprise. There was no hostility to be heard in his voice or seen in his eyes.
Nick drew in a deep breath. He couldn't be weak. As much as he hated to admit it, Sebastian was partially right. This morning, Nick would have probably let Jeff step all over him if it meant getting him back, but would that really fix things? Jeff had to be just as committed as Nick if their relationship had any chance of surviving, and right now, there was a lot of doubt on Jeff's end.
Nick said in a clear voice, "We need to talk."
Jeff raised his head slightly. "What about?"
"What else?" Nick frowned. "Things weren't exactly settled between us on Friday. Are we going to just stay like this? Broken up, not speaking?"
Jeff said quietly, "I would rather we didn't," he admitted. "But I didn't exactly do anything wrong." He narrowed his eyes at Nick.
"So you broke up with me because I agreed with Thad on the council change?" Nick concluded.
"No, I don't care about the council," Jeff answered. "But you didn't even give me a heads up or an explanation or anything. And do you know how humiliating that was for me?"
Nick looked at the ground. "I'm sorry. Believe me, it wasn't an easy thing for me to do. If I could have stepped down instead, I would have."
"But I'm the one who's not 'council material.' I'm the incompetent one," Jeff said bitterly.
"I never said that," Nick defended himself. "That was Thad."
"This isn't solving anything. Do you have an excuse or don't you?" Jeff demanded.
Nick frowned. "I don't owe you any explanations," Nick answered evenly.
"Then we're just wasting time out here," Jeff muttered coldly.
"You act like it's completely up to me to fix this!" Nick snapped. "I'm not going to beg for your forgiveness. I made one mistake. It's not like you haven't made any yourself."
"I can't be with someone I can't trust," Jeff argued. "Either you're hiding something from me or you just don't give a damn about me. So which is it?"
"I'm hiding something from you," Nick answered honestly.
"And you don't trust me enough to tell me what it is?"
"It has nothing to do with trust," Nick said. "I just can't tell you. It's for the best."
"And my being on the council jeopardized your secret?" Jeff challenged.
"In a way. It wasn't my idea to remove you from the council, though." Any more information and Nick might end up accidentally telling Jeff about Sebastian's blackmail scheme and his journal. He decided to change the subject. "I know about Jonah."
Jeff appeared completely taken aback. "Know what about Jonah?"
"You know what," Nick's voice was hard. "You had a date with him last night. We broke up on Friday and you already had me replaced by Sunday. And yet you have the nerve to say that you don't trust me?"
"We broke up!" Jeff defended himself. "I was going out with Tyler and Vivian, and I didn't want to be a third wheel."
"So, naturally, you call up the guy you met at a gay bar," Nick muttered. Jeff really had replaced him, after one day. Sebastian had been telling the truth. "While I spent my weekend crying in my room, you were out with another guy." His throat felt tight as he tried desperately to keep up this tough act.
"I did nothing wrong," Jeff snapped. "Stop trying to make me feel guilty."
"We just broke up!" Nick shot back at him. "I thought we could work things out. I woke up this morning with full intentions of trying to fix this until I found out about Jonah. And now I'm starting to wonder if you care at all about me."
"I refuse to take the blame here," Jeff muttered. "It's your fault that we broke up in the first place, and now you're trying to turn it all on me. I did nothing wrong," he repeated.
"You're angry because I'm hiding something from you, but I know you've been hiding things from me for weeks now," Nick retorted. "Like you think I don't notice how differently you've been acting, or how defensive you get when I ask you if something is wrong?"
Jeff faltered for a moment, as if trying to decide whether or not to retort. He seemed to decide against it and snatched his schoolbag from the ground next to the fountain angrily. "Fuck this," he spat. "I'm done." He stormed off in the opposite direction.
"You always run away. This is why nothing ever gets resolved!" Nick shouted after him, his voice breaking. He walked after Jeff for a few paces but stopped at the fountain. There was no point following him.
He dropped to his knees beside the fountain and leaned over the edge to look into the rippling blue waters. The pink carnation petals danced with the gurgling flow of the fountain, many converging close to the edge, safe from the spring of water pouring from the center. The carcass of the torn carnation had sunk to the bottom and now lay on the stony floor of the fountain. The once beautiful gem of a flower was now tattered beyond recognition and left to drown, robbed of its beauty.
…
The rest of the day was a blur. Nick couldn't concentrate on the rest of his classes or even Warbler's practice. It didn't matter, though, because Sebastian took charge as he normally did and Nick didn't even have to speak one word in practice.
The other Warblers seemed to have taken well to Sebastian's new reign. No one questioned it and it had only taken a few days for everything to fall in order. Sectionals were just weeks away and Nick had handed his solo back to Sebastian. He didn't have to—despite everything he'd done so far, Sebastian had actually been willing to let Nick keep it—but he didn't want it anymore.
After practice, Nick lingered in the choir room. He didn't want to go home. But he didn't want to stay here, either. He felt so lost. He wanted things to be right again. He wanted to be walking out of the choir room, hand-in-hand with Jeff like he usually did. But Jeff wasn't here, and Nick could think of no one to blame but himself.
Thad stayed behind for a few minutes as well, appearing concerned. "Nick?" he greeted carefully. "How are you doing?"
Nick sighed as he placed this binder in his satchel. "Awful," he mumbled. "But don't feel like you need to waste your time here worrying about me. I know you probably have better things to do."
"Cheering up a friend is never a waste of time!" Thad protested lightly. He sat back down beside Nick in his own council chair. "Is there anything you want to talk about? I'll listen."
Nick glanced at Thad uncertainly. His deep golden-brown eyes were compassionate and understanding. "I don't know," Nick said with a sigh. "I'm dealing with a lot of things, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it."
"Talking about it might help," Thad suggested. "I know Sebastian hasn't made things easy on any of us… But you got the worst end of this whole deal, if you can even call it that. Getting some of it off your chest could do you some good. And it can just be between us—I won't tell anyone."
Nick sighed again and looked down at his satchel, which sat in his lap. Maybe Thad was right? Talking could help. "Jeff has a new boyfriend," he said quietly without looking up.
"Already?" Thad's tone was soft although he sounded surprised.
"He had a date last night," Nick answered. "With some guy he met at a bar a few weeks ago.
"A few weeks ago?" Thad echoed, shocked.
"He didn't cheat," Nick assured. "They didn't do anything at the bar, and I knew about him. I just didn't imagine Jeff would end up replacing me with him…" Tears pooled in his eyes and he quickly blinked them away.
"I'm sorry," Thad apologized softly.
"I confronted him about it today, and he didn't seem to think he did anything wrong," Nick went on. "I mean, we did break up. We're both single now. Was I being irrational?"
"Not at all," Thad reassured. "I'd be upset, too, if I were you. You just broke up, you still could have worked things out."
"That's what I said," Nick said. "That was my plan, anyways. But now things are even more complicated. Jeff and I had a big fight today, and I'm afraid everything is too messed up to fix anymore." His voice shook a little now and the tears spilled from his eyes.
"If Jeff doesn't realize how amazing you are, then it's his loss," Thad said. "I don't mean that to be insensitive. But I know that other guy couldn't possibly compare to you. The sooner Jeff realizes that, the sooner you two can work it all out."
Nick dried his eyes with his sleeve and looked at Thad. He wasn't so sure about that—as far as Nick could see, Jonah had been very attractive—but he was grateful for Thad's words nonetheless. "Thanks," he sniffled appreciatively. "But honestly, anyone could do better than me. I'm more complicated than you might think." Not too many other guys dealt with anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and a suicidal history. He often thought Jeff could do much better than him, and now, Jeff had Jonah and Nick had no one.
"That's ridiculous," Thad protested. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you, no matter how 'complicated' you think you might be."
Thad's eyes burned with sincerity that took Nick by surprise. He smiled faintly. "Thank you, Thad. That means a lot..." Their eyes met, and for a long moment, neither of them said anything. Nick's mind blanked as he stared into Thad's dark eyes. Without a single thought as to what he was doing, he leaned in towards his fellow Warbler. When their lips connected, Thad flinched back very slightly in surprise. He didn't break away, however, and within a moment, he was kissing Nick back.
It was nothing like kissing Jeff. This was a brand new sensation, completely unlike the familiar feel and taste of Jeff's kiss. The unfamiliarity of Thad's mouth set Nick's heart pounding in his chest like the wings of a hummingbird.
It was…exciting.
Nick closed his eyes to relish this strange new sensation and cupped the side of Thad's face with one hand.
It ended after just a few seconds when Thad suddenly broke away from Nick and pushed himself to his feet. "No, this isn't right," he protested, backing away from Nick.
Nick sat back in his council chair. "What? Why not?" he demanded. Thad had kissed him back! It had been passionate and real. What could possibly be wrong about it?
"You aren't thinking clearly, Nick," Thad answered.
Nick frowned. "What makes you say that?"
"You're upset about Jeff. You feel like he replaced you, and now you're trying to replace him." He stopped and looked Nick in the eye. "Nick, I like you. I really like you." He paused to let that sink in before adding, "But this isn't right. If I go along with this, I'll feel like I'm taking advantage of you, and I can't do that."
"I can handle myself, Thad," Nick snapped indignantly. "I'm not trying to replace Jeff with you. What if I actually like you and want to be with you? Can't you picture that for a moment?" Except now that he thought about it, Thad was partially right. He definitely wasn't thinking clearly and maybe somewhere in his head, he was just trying to get back at Jeff…
"If that's how you really feel, then we can wait a little while before we let anything happen," Thad answered steadily. "But…I don't think that's what this is."
"Why not?" Nick demanded. "You really think I can't even organize my own emotions? That I'm that irrational and weak?"
"That's not what I'm saying," Thad objected. "Believe me, Nick, I would love to be with you. But what if we do get together and then Jeff decides to work things out with you? Could you honestly say you wouldn't leave me for him in a heartbeat?"
"I wouldn't know," Nick muttered grudgingly. "You won't even give me a chance." Somewhere in his mind, though, Nick knew Thad was right. Jeff had been his best friend since sixth grade, and he'd only really known Thad since the start of high school. If it came down to the two of them, he would very likely choose Jeff.
"I'm sorry, Nick," Thad murmured. His eyes were painfully regretful. "You have no idea how much I wish it would, but I just don't see this working out for us right now."
Nick released a long breath of defeat. "You're probably right," he admitted reluctantly. He looked up at Thad. "Maybe I am a little out of it today… I'm sorry. That kiss was probably a mistake."
"Probably," Thad mumbled in agreement.
Nick stood up and slung his satchel over his shoulder. "I should go home," he announced. "I'll see you tomorrow." He considered hugging Thad, but figured he'd gone too far already, and settled for saying, "Thank you for being there for me."
"I was glad to do it," Thad said quietly. "And I hope you work things out with Jeff soon. You two are a good couple."