It was later. Shawn and I were in the living room high. The snow he'd mentioned earlier was coke. I'd never done coke before it felt odd. I felt high and everything felt far away and slow moving. Right below the cuts he'd made on my arms were needle marks. He'd stuck me 2x on each arm. He wanted to keep it even keep people from asking questions. Which was weird cause he didn't want me talking to anyone. So I don't know how they'd know. And I would've had long sleeves on anyway since it was starting to get cold out. I knew that coke was illegal so maybe that was it. But even I didn't fully believe that.
I took more of my drink already sick.
"don't get sick," he told me.
I didn't tell him I already was. He didn't seem all that considerate.
"and if you do don't get sick anywhere here."
"ok," I said.
I apparently was fairly agreeable when I was high on coke.
"i like it when you're like this. I like you being agreeable. And high."
"are the bars open what time is it midnight? I want to talk to people."
I suddenly really wanted to.
"you're already drunk. And no it's like 9."
"wow."
"i don't want to. And I don't want you going out it's not safe."
"oh."
"godamn."
"what?"
"i'm. I don't feel good. I'm. I'm queasy."
"how can I help?"
"you can't. I mean. Don't take care of me i've got it. Excuse me. Drink more while i'm gone."
"ok."
he left going into another room where he closed the door. I wondered what he was doing in there but was too high and drunk to follow him. I didn't know if I should get up but he'd also told me if I got sick to not get sick anywhere in his place. My other option was going out. I also wasn't old enough to legally drink.
"hey i-" I called.
"yeah hey. Sorry about that. What are these?" he asked coming back out and seeing the cuts on my arms that weren't made by him: "oh...you cut."
"uh. Yeah, I," I felt embarassed for some reason.
"no actually keep doing it."
well that was a weird response.
"don't tell them about the track marks but if you tell them you cut you won't get in trouble. Hey where's your dad?"
"oh. He's in chicago. I mean he's on a business trip there he's not. he doesn't live there. My mom does however live in paris."
"oh. Don't ask about my parents."
"ok I won't. um. I'm sick I got sick."
"damnit lila! I thought I told you not to!" he grabbed my arm so hard marks appeared: "that's it you're drinking more."
"why are you upset w/ me when you're the one making me drink?"
"i'm not making it."
"well fine then. You're insisting up on it. Damnit you're insistent as hell."
"look babe I can do so much worse than just the nails and the drinks. You want that?"
I didn't say anything.
"didn't think so. Now open up so you'll drink then go out somewhere and get sick. And don't come back until you're better. Get your phone and your purse but not your coat cause I don't want it to smell like smoke again."
"ok."
I opened my mouth while he poured more drink into it. I swallowed when he told me to. After he was done he scratched my arms. It burned and I wanted something cold. I stood wobbly in heels he'd given me.
"here's your purse. Your phone's in it," he said tossing it to me.
It's like he wanted to knock me down.
"now go," he told me.
I left quickly and dizzily. I was afraid what would happen if I stayed.