"Please baby girl. Please stop crying. I don't know how to help you anymore," Lindsay pleaded, walking across the length of the bedroom and trying not to jiggle her too much as that seemed to make the screaming worse. Avery screeched at the top of her lungs, arching her back in discomfort, her face beet red. They'd tried everything they could think of, from a warm bath to a ride in the car to letting her cry it out to cuddling her for hours on end. But she wouldn't stop. The doctor had said it was just early colic, the spitting up was normal and it would pass. Unfortunately that had been a week ago, and Avery had yet to go a day without marathon crying jags, spitting up, and she still wasn't gaining weight. Lindsay was worried, but she didn't know what else to do about it. The internet didn't offer many solutions and her mother instincts were so tired, they weren't saying anything. It was enough to make her break down in tears and she sunk down on the bed, holding Avery tight and crying it out with her.

"I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm trying, I really am. I just don't know how to help anymore."

Avery let out quite possibly the loudest shriek to date and threw her hear back as best she could.

Lindsay picked up her phone, her fingers shaking as she dialed the number, sniffling and trying to get her emotions under control.

"Hello?"

"I don't know what to do anymore," she sniffled, without greeting.

"Lindsay? Honey, are you okay?" Jo asked, hearing the screams and going on high alert.

"She won't stop crying. She's in pain from something and I can't get her to stop."

"Is she just crying or is she squirmy or-"

"She's screaming and she arches her back a lot but she can't even hold her head up so I try to hold onto her but I can't so I put her down and then she screams louder and I pick her up and she freaks out some more and I just can't fix it. I don't know what to do."

"Is she spitting up a lot?"

"Every time she eats, which isn't that often."

"Do you have any Mylanta?"

"What?"

"Just trust me. Give her two ml's of Mylanta. I promise it will help."

"Are you sure?"

"Sweetheart, I'm positive. I wouldn't tell you to do anything that would hurt her. Just try it."

Lindsay stood up and went downstairs to the bathroom, finding the Mylanta and the medicine dropper. It took a minute, but she finally saw her opening as Avery wailed pathetically, her mouth wide open like a baby bird. She dropped the medicine in and waited a few moments until the crying slowed and stopped.

"Was I right or was I right?"

"You… you were right. How did you know?"

"My niece did the same thing when she was a baby. Her mouth is dry, right?"

"Yeah."

"You need to take her to the doctor."

"But-"

"Right now. She's got reflux and it sounds really bad and they're going to need to give her some medicine."

"Are you sure?"

"Lindsay, you need to take her in. Especially if she's not eating."

"I can't… Adam had to go to work and I have the boys and-"

"I will meet you at the hospital and take care of the boys, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

It felt like the walls were closing in on her and the screaming was getting louder and louder. The doctor was trying to start an IV in Avery's foot and she was none too happy about it. Lindsay didn't want to look for fear she would pass out or just pick her up and run away. Adam was on his way, probably in the hospital already, and she needed him to hurry up because she couldn't do this on her own anymore. It was just too much and she felt like such a failure. Protection and healing, that was her job as a mother, and she hadn't been able to do it at all.

"Okay, I'm going to start the line," the doctor said finally, causing Lindsay to scowl.

"I thought that's what you were doing!" she snapped, completely out of character for her.

"I had to make sure she had a good vein. She's dehydrated and tiny so it's a lot harder."

Lindsay sighed and looked down at her screaming daughter, wishing desperately to take that pain away, to put it on herself.

"Okay, all done. We'll get some fluids in her and see where we need to go from there. You can hold her if you want. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Just page the nurse if you need anything."

She nodded and the doctor left the room, the door closing behind him.

"Oh sweetie I am so, so sorry. I know that wasn't fun. It will help you to get better, I promise," she said in the calmest voice she could muster as she picked the baby up and held her close. "It's okay. You're going to feel better soon, I promise."

They both calmed down a little, Avery still fussing but not screaming and Lindsay sniffling but not crying. They were rocking back and forth in the chair, looking at each other intently when Adam came in, panic on his face.

"Is she okay? Are you okay? What's going on?"

"She's going to be fine, honey," Lindsay assured, even though her stomach was still in knots. "The doctor says she's got severe reflux and she's dehydrated, but they can help her and we can take her home later tonight probably."

He let out a relieved sigh and ran his hand over Avery's face.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here, little girl. I came as fast as I could."

"I think she just said that it's okay because you're here now."

"How are you doing?" he asked, turning his attention to his wife and running his fingers through her hair.

"Just mildly freaking out."

"And ten minutes ago?"

"Completely wigged. I just feel so guilty. I should have brought her in sooner. Everything in me told me to bring her in but I didn't listen to it. I just went with what the pediatrician said and I let her down."

"Sweetie, you didn't let her down. She's here now."

"I know but if I had brought her in sooner she wouldn't be dehydrated. If I had brought her in sooner it would have been so many less days of pain. She wouldn't have cried so much, we wouldn't have lost so much sleep. I failed her, Adam. I really just… I screwed up. I'm a horrible mother."

"You are not. Lindsay look at me. You are not a horrible mother. Do you understand?"

"I am. A better mother would have figured it out and helped her and I didn't. I didn't do that. She deserves better and she should hate me forever and-"

"Stop it right now. Honey, every parent makes mistakes. You've got to give up on the idea of being the perfect mother because sooner or later, you're going to slip up. And me and the kids will still love you just as much. It doesn't matter to us. But you're beating yourself up for something that's not your fault. And maybe you just need to say these things to get them out of your head, and that's fine. I get that. But don't you dare ever say that you're a horrible mother again. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah."

"She's going to be fine, right?"

"Yeah, she is."

"Then it's all okay."

"I just don't want her to hurt. She shouldn't have to go through this. She should feel safe all the time. She doesn't understand it and I don't even know if she's scared, but I mean, she would have to be, right?"

"I don't know. Right now she just needs you to hold her and comfort her and let her know it's going to be okay."

"I just feel like… maybe… never mind, it's stupid."

"What?" he asked, stroking her hand and looking into her eyes.

She was quiet for a long moment, looking down at Avery who was staring up at her with wide blue eyes.

"I'm afraid that I haven't bonded to her the way I did with the boys. And I'm afraid I can't get that back."

"Honey, what are you telling me? Do you think you don't love her?"

"No, I know I do. I love her so much I can't put it into words. I just feel like there's a connection missing. I can't really explain it. It's stupid."

"It is not stupid, Lindsay. You feel it, it's real."

"I've spent so much time just trying to calm her down and get her to stop crying, I don't feel like I've really learned her."

"I feel that a little too. Like when Colton was born and we weren't the ones taking care of him. When he was in the NICU and the nurses took care of everything. It was hard to believe we were his parents. It was hard to know what we were supposed to do. We were so focused on getting him strong that we didn't really look at him. But we managed, didn't we? When things slowed down again it got better."

"Yeah. I guess I forgot about that."

"It'll get better. You're exhausted, she's exhausted, she hasn't been eating right and that doesn't help things either. It's going to be just fine once we get this under control."

"Thank you."

The doctor came in at that moment, checking Avery's IV before adding a medication to the bag.

"That should start to help with the acid in a little while, but if she starts to get more uncomfortable, page the nurse."

"We will. Thanks."

They fell into silence after the doctor left, watching Avery as she sniffled and yawned, fighting sleep as best she could.

"I'm going to call Jo, make sure the boys are alright. You okay here for a minute?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

He kissed them both and left the room quietly. Lindsay looked down at Avery, brushed her cheeks gently and kissed her forehead. They locked eyes for a moment and Lindsay couldn't help the tears that rolled down her face; tears of relief and tears of guilt. She held Avery close and cried so hard she couldn't stop. She'd been so scared that the crying would be a siren call for her depression, that the lack of eating would take a permanent toll, and a myriad of other things that had wandered through her mind on those sleepless nights.

She cried for several minutes before calming, then looking down at Avery and seeing that she was asleep. Finally, after so many days and nights of light sleep if any at all, she seemed to be really sleeping hard, her mouth slightly open in total relaxation. She was the most beautiful, perfect baby girl that Lindsay had ever seen, and her tears stopped as she looked down at her. They would both be okay.

"Hello there most beautiful girl," Adam whispered, lifting Avery out of her carseat and snuggling her close. "This is more like it. Yeah, this no screaming thing I could get used to."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head, looking through the discharge papers from the hospital, and through the list of foods she couldn't eat if she was going to continue nursing. There wasn't some magic cure for the reflux, she would continue to battle it, but if they took the preventative measures there would be less frequent occurrences and the pain would be a lot less. The doctor had prescribed formula, the same stuff Colton had been on that was quite possibly the most disgusting substance known to man, but they didn't have to give it to her unless everything got worse. Sighing, she put the papers on the fridge, then made sure the discharge papers and anything they would need for her medical file were tucked safely into the drawer full of bills before she went out and joined Adam on the couch. Jo had fed the boys dinner and put them to bed, and they had thanked her profusely for everything before she'd left. Lindsay's heart pounded in fright, wondering what would have happened if Jo hadn't been there for them. She didn't want to think about it.

"You okay, honey?" Adam asked, glancing over at her and noticing that she was biting her lip.

"Yeah. I'm just overwhelmed, overtired."

"Should we go to bed?"

"Yeah. I need to feed her first."

"You do that. I'll lock up and check on the boys."

He handed Avery to her and went to check all the doors and windows. He'd gotten even more vigilant about it when they'd moved into the house, especially now that the kids bedrooms were so far away from theirs. He really was afraid of someone breaking in during the night and she didn't tease him for it because she had been scared of the same thing.

She went upstairs to their bedroom and turned the heat up just a little higher, then changed Avery's rumpled and uncomfortable pajamas. She got a deep stare and a spit bubble for her efforts, and she smiled, taking in the silence and comfort.

"Oh baby, you look so much happier now. I'm so glad you're better. Do you want to try eating?"

Avery whimpered and Lindsay held her close, keeping her voice level and peaceful.

"It's okay sweetness, it's not going to make your tummy hurt this time. You've got medicine in you now, okay? It's going to be just fine. See? It's okay."

They sat in silence for a while, Lindsay inspecting every inch of her daughter that she could see, taking in the curves of her face and the slope of her nose and all the tiniest bits that she'd been missing before. They held hands for a few moments, getting wrapped up in each other as the rest of the world faded into gray.

Avery finished eating and Lindsay sat her up, rubbing her back to get her to burp, as patting her could upset her stomach. The baby burped and squawked, then settled back down, breathing deeply in exhaustion.

"Hey, the boys wanted to see their sister," Adam said softly from the door as Ben and Colton tried to crowd past him.

"Avery! You're not cryin'!" Colton noted, rushing over to kiss her cheek. "You are so much cuter now."

"Ben hold sissy?"

"No, there will be time to hold her and love her tomorrow. She needs a lot of rest right now, okay? I promise, tomorrow you can hold her all you want."

"Okay mama," Ben sighed, running his hand over the top of his sisters head. "Love sissy."

"Sissy loves you too."

They both kissed her goodnight and went back down stairs while Adam climbed onto the bed and laid down, sighing deeply.

"Being a parent is hard work."

"Only took you six years to figure that out?" Lindsay asked, moving to lean against her pillows.

"Yeah. Can I hold my daughter?"

"Excuse me?"

"Our daughter."

"And?"

"Please?"

She smiled and shook her head.

"No."

"What? Hey, I haven't held her hardly at all!"

"Oh fine."

They made the transfer quickly and Avery curled up on Adam's chest while he rubbed her back. They took a long while to stare at each other, and Lindsay kept quiet, not wanting to miss it. He was such a good daddy already, but seeing him with his daughter continually took her breath away. He was soft and gentle and loved their daughter near desperately.

"I really think she looks like you Linds."

"Yeah?"

"I can't quite say what it is exactly. There's something about her that's just like you."

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Austin called earlier and I should call her back before she worries herself into an ulcer."

"That might be a good idea."

She kissed him again and went downstairs where her cell phone sat on the kitchen counter.

"What's going on?" Austin asked desperately, without so much as a greeting. "Just texting me that she's fine is not adequate."

"I'm sorry. But she really is fine now."

"Okay. Are you alright?"

"I'm getting there. Lots of mommy guilt but it's going away."

"I'm hugging you both later. Deal?"

"Deal."

"So Danny and I were talking about Christmas earlier."

"What about it?"

"Well we weren't sure what you guys were doing Christmas eve, but we thought we could all get together for dinner and the kids could open their presents from each other. We both kind of feel bad that you guys don't really have anywhere to go at Christmas and we thought maybe this could make up for that at least a little."

"We can probably do that. Adam works that night, but maybe we can do something in the morning."

"Yes please. Come over early and we'll have breakfast. And then I am keeping you all day because I am not going to send you home to an empty house. Got it?"

"I got it. I'll double check with Adam, but count us in."

"I always count you in, Lindsay. Even when you're like "Austin there is no way on God's green earth I am doing that," I still count you in."

"I love you too."

"Go get some sleep. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay went back upstairs, finding Adam and Avery both asleep just how she had left them. She couldn't resist a few pictures before taking the baby and settling her into the crib.

"Sleep good baby girl. I'll see you in a few hours."

She climbed into bed and closed her eyes, reveling in the silence and peace.