Coffee
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The smell of morning coffee filled up the headquarters as sunshine peeked through the windows. It was going to be another sunny, wonderful day in the capital of Hawaii. Kono was already in her office, about to take a sip of the hot beverage as Danny walked in. At first glance, he seemed okay. Kono, however, knew just a glance wouldn't suffice – she stood up and went to greet him – seeing two dark bags under his blue eyes. His face was red, which was unusual for his grumpy, sun-hating persona.
"Danny, what happened?" she asked and finally took a sip of her coffee. Danny stared at her cup, almost mesmerized. Soon he realized it was a question.
"Uh, I took the kids to the beach this weekend," he murmured, rubbing his chin. "And when I say kids – I mean Charlie, Grace and Steve," he smiled but then frowned, as if he remembered that he was supposed to look grumpy, otherwise someone might suspect he was actually content for once in his life. "I haven't been sleeping so well," he rambled on, sort of incoherently, and Kono raised her eyebrow.
"Are you all right, bro?" she made a grimace.
"Yeah, I just forgot my sunscreen, yeah," he nodded to himself. Kono smiled.
"You sound like you could really use a cup of coffee," she said and Danny had the most thankful expression on his face. She was back quickly, and Danny almost inhaled his coffee. Kono let him have his blissful moment of tasting the morning coffee. Then, she turned her head at him.
"How's Steve doing?" she asked worriedly.
"Good," he replied instantly. "I think it was good for him to stay with us for a week. I think he gets lonelier than he likes to admit, all by himself in that house."
"You think he's really okay now? He's not… sick or something?" Kono asked quietly, as if she was afraid the word would become reality if she said any louder.
"It crossed my mind but, uh, I think we'd know at this point. He'd know."
"Yeah…" she said reluctantly. Danny glanced at her in the middle of taking another sip.
"This coffee is fantastic," he commented before taking a deep breath. "I think that Steve has been through a lot," he began, raising his eyebrows. "I think a lot of things hurt him," he said, somewhat quietly. "But I think he's doing better now. He's learning how to cope. He's doing better," Danny repeated the latter more enthusiastically, quicker and louder, trying to sound nonchalant. Steve still worried him very much, but he had to convince himself he'd be okay.
They finished their coffee with a conversation about weather, a typical small talk topic, when both sides have too much going in their heads.
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Everything was exactly as he had left it. Somewhat tidy but dusty. Steve took a deep breath yet the air in the house was stuffy. Ironically, the broken window didn't help much with the feeling of stuffiness. No fresh air.
Steve threw his bag on the couch and closed the door behind him. Staying with Danny for a week really was therapeutic – for the most part. At least he got a couple of nights of good sleep. No alcohol, no mess, no pills.
Steve's heart skipped a beat. Somehow, he forgot about the pills. Did Danny scare him into not taking them? He smiled to himself, thinking what nonsense that was.
When has Danny ever scared anyone. Tiny little grump.
Steve had already done his morning swim before leaving Danny's, and he had about an hour before leaving for work.
Coffee.
He went to take a shower and make himself some coffee. As he was silently sitting in the kitchen with his mug in his hand, he kept wondering would Danny be proud of him if he saw him like that. Just sitting, breathing, drinking a non-alcoholic beverage. He liked to think he would.
Pills.
Steve frowned – he didn't like that thought. It bothered him. Throwing the pills in the trash was the smartest thing Danny could have done.
To hell with them.
Steve was ready. On his way out, he passed the mirror – gazing at his own reflection. Looking better, he thought. Though – he stopped – not to admire his beauty, or the fact that he didn't resemble a skeleton anymore, but to stare at his shoulder.
"Huh," he sniffed. It didn't hurt anymore.
Or did it?
He kept staring at it for a moment and then left the house.
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The day passed quickly, even though the team had to deal with paperwork most of the day, but if was a boost to the team's morale, seeing Steve back on his feet. Lou was relieved and kept making jokes all day just to see Steve smile, and every time he would – Lou felt a little bit more at peace.
Danny, as usual, was battling his paperwork when Steve peeped through the door.
"Hey, buddy," he smiled at his desperate face, staring at the damn papers. "Let's go grab a beer."
"I will be right there," he said distantly. "I just have one more damn envelope to open and I'm there. I'll catch up." Steve shrugged his shoulders.
"You know where we'll be," he said as he left Danny's office.
Danny was quite concentrated on his paperwork, but Steve's presence motivated him to suddenly think about an ice-cold beer, so he hurried up. Grabbing the last envelope, Danny tore it open. Pulling out the papers, his stomach turned upside down.
Several photos of Grace and Charlie were in his hands, seemingly took from a distance. Danny felt nauseous as he was flipping through the photos. Suddenly, he felt like he could spit fire and at the same time cry a river. Panic was overwhelming him, he couldn't breathe. He knew that the kids were with Rachel, safe and sound, and he would have already known if something had happened, so he showed his phone in the pocket, and ran his hands down his face. Sweat was pouring down his forehead, his chest suddenly felt too small for the raging heart inside, beating vigorously.
He had never been more certain, in his whole life, that he was going to smother somebody to death with his own hands and enjoy it.
Son of a bitch.
Danny stormed out of the office, typing a text message before driving into the night.
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The rest of the team wasn't particularly lively that evening – they had one beer and went home. Steve was on his way to the car, thinking about Danny. It was strange that he suddenly decided not to join them, but he couldn't blame him. He must have been exhausted from babysitting him the past week. Even though he really missed him – but could never say that to his face – he had to give him some space. Danny had become his rock – solid, always there for him, even after a punch in the face and a million go to hell's. It was strange not having him with him all the time, but even Steve knew that wasn't healthy. Did he suddenly become afraid of the dark? Afraid of being alone? Whatever it was, Danny kept him calm. He was his security blanket.
A tiny, annoying, loud security blanket.
Steve smiled to himself as he was thinking about it. He sat in his car, glanced at the empty seat next to him and stared outside the window. The night was starry.
"Huh," he said to himself as he stretched his arms and felt something in his shoulder. It wasn't a painful feeling, but it was there. Steve didn't think much of it.
A song came on the radio and Steve thought how it would surely annoy Danny, and again he smiled to himself. It was a blissful ride back home with the windows down, and the warm breeze blowing. With every pause in-between songs, Steve either thought about Danny or his shoulder. It was almost like an argument in his head. He bet Danny could sense his thoughts, so he popped up in his mind all the time to remind him to go to hell and give him the goddamn paper bag.
Steve got home, still thinking of Danny. He entered his dark, empty house and suddenly felt so lonely.
One?
Two?
Three?
He couldn't remember how many bottles of pills he went through.
Couldn't be three. Danny threw one away.
Steve sat on his bed and stared at the wall. There was nobody in the house but him and the pain, slowly creeping up again.
Suddenly his eyes widened as he remembered. Walking up to his wardrobe, Steve pulled the drawer open. Shirts were neatly stacked next to the socks and underwear. He reached his hand beneath the clothes and pulled out a small bundle. He unwrapped the bundle and looked at the few pills inside.
In case Danny finds the paper bag.
Steve took them all, not even counting. He laid in his bed, letting the drowsiness overcome him.
Don't tell Danny.
He fell asleep to the sound of waves, as the warm breeze gently blew through the window.