Through several panes of glass and through two different rooms, he watched her. It would have been stalking, but he knew that if he was caught she would be amused. He watched the way her hands move as she talked, then went to her hips so her thumbs could hook through her beltloops as she listened. She shifted her weight to one leg while rolling onto the other heel. She was wearing boots today, and for some reason that made him smile.

Her hair had lost most of its curl in the last few hours and it was laying almost limp against her back. He could tell from the way that she stood at the machine that she was tired and getting close to grumpy, even though she was still grinning. He wanted to sneak over there and give her a hug or rub her shoulders or something, but he knew he wasn't allowed. Sure, he'd broke through her bubble a few times, she now allowed him hugs goodnight and occasionally rested her head on his shoulder while they watched TV. He'd even grabbed her hand last night as they crossed the street, more out of reflex than anything. She hadn't protested and they'd let go once they reached the other side, but he could safely say that no other hand had ever felt so perfect in his.

She knew he had a crush on her and she was nice about it, keeping distance but not shutting him out either. He didn't know what she was thinking but he was happy with the rhythm they'd struck, and he could be for a long time. He felt very lucky to even get to hang in her world, much less be her best friend and the only one in this place she confided in. He knew a part of her that no one else did.

His phone buzzed and he picked it up, finding a text from her and assuming it was "I'm hungry, want to go get me food?"

He was wrong, however, and was met with a "Quit starin' at me, Mooney Eyes."

Chuckling he shot back "You are so vain, Monroe. I bet you think this song is about you. And don't you dare make fun of my singing voice." He sent the text and kept watching her, making it into a game now. He could tell from her posture that she was writing something back with enough wit that he would be saving it to his phone, but she was interrupted halfway through with another bag of evidence from Danny, which she took with a grimace.

There had been some flirting between the two, but it had died down and now they were just partners, friends, with about zero interest in each other in that way. While Adam felt lucky to not have the competition, he also wondered why every man in the world wasn't falling to their knees, begging Lindsay to give him even half a shot. To him, she was the absolute perfect woman.

His phone buzzed again and he tried not to grab it too fast, in case someone saw his desperation and called him on it.

"I would never make fun of your singing voice. Maybe your falsetto voice, but never your singing one," she wrote. "I think you should buy me dinner tonight and I'll make you an ice-cream sundae. Fair deal?"

"Three cherries on top and it's fair."

"I'll pick a movie."

"We're a bunch of agoraphobics."

"Hey if we were stuck together inside for the rest of our lives I don't think we would get bored."

"I'm raising my eyebrow suggestively."

"Oh brother."

She turned and looked at him and he caught her eye, giving her a little wink. She smiled and winked back.

Nine years later and he was watching her again except this time she wasn't that far away and she was pacing. Back and forth across the waiting room, her hands in her back pockets or running through her hair. He wanted to reach out and touch her, calm her a little but she needed to get the anxiety out.

Her mom was seeing a doctor at the Mayo clinic, just for a second opinion and wanted them to go with her. It was probably a good idea for Lindsay to hear the facts from the doctor, as she'd spent the last two days biting her nails down and nervously twisting her hair into knots. He'd tried to calm her anxious nerves, used every trick he knew, but even when she was faking it, he could tell that she was still sick with worry. He'd held her all through the night, wishing she would just take a deep breath and put it out of her mind for a few hours so she could sleep, but she just laid there, stiff as a board, and no amount of gentle words and soft touches could make her feel better.

Dale was watching her too, quite possibly more worried about his little girl than he was about his wife. He'd never seen her quite like this, so emotionally frantic. He needed to get up and assure her it was going to be alright, but he wasn't so sure himself.

"Lindsay? Sweetheart, come sit down."

She gave him a look, one that included a wrinkle in her brow and a biting of her lip. Adam held his hand out to her and she took it, sitting down next to him and leaning into his side. He said something to her and she nodded, giving him the slightest smile before he kissed her forehead. Dale watched with a grin, loving the sight of his daughter so happy and loved and taken care of. He couldn't have picked a better man than Adam, and he had never really said how grateful he was that his baby girl was in good hands. He could see the way they loved each other, even in this dark time it was shining straight out of them both.

The three of them sat silently for a long time all lost in their own thoughts until Anne came back into the room. She was smiling when she entered, and Dale got up to join her at the door.

"What did the doctor say?"

"That we're on the right track. Surgery is the best option, and she's confident that with that and frequent check ups, there shouldn't be any more surprises. And other than this she says I'm healthy."

"Are you sure?" Lindsay asked shakily, biting at her thumbnail.

"I'm sure, sweetie. I wouldn't lie to you. It's never going to be gone completely but, it's manageable. I'm still going to be around."

They all sat down and discussed the specifics for a while longer, Lindsay feeling better now that there was more opinion and a backed up plan. They headed home after a while, having promised the boys a day at the park. Adam could tell that the weight of worry was lifted from Lindsay's shoulders a lot, but he could still see the emotions of guilt and hurt in her eyes. It had been so prevalent these last few days, and it was almost the same as when she was depressed. He knew it would be fine because at least this time there was something to go on, there was a reason for it and something she could tangibly hold onto to bring her out of those emotions. This wasn't a random thing for no reason.

The boys were bouncing off the walls, having spent the last few hours with Jo, who usually spoiled them rotten enough anyway, but had let them have rootbeer floats today. She left the house after a few rounds of hugs and "Love you Jo-Jo's" and questions about when they could see her next.

"Hey Linds," Adam said softly, gesturing for her to follow him into the kitchen. "I had a thought."

"What's that?"

"What if your dad and I take the boys to the park and you and your mom can have some time?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"I know what you're saying but I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Well you need to get ready because they're going home tomorrow and you and I both know that if you don't talk about it now, you're never going to."

She knew he was right and she nodded while he squeezed her hand.

"It's not going to be easy baby, but I think you need to do it. I really think you do. There's a lot of hurt in you that you've been ignoring since you were a little girl. There's stuff there that scares you because you don't want to hurt our kids the same way. And it's not good for you to be scared like that. You need to do this, Lindsay. For you and for her and for all of us."

"Okay."

He pulled her into a tight hug and held her that way for a while.

"Dearlin' you know that I will always love you, no matter what, right?"

"I know. I love you too."

"You're going to be alright?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Soon, all the boys were headed out of the house, leaving Lindsay and Anne on the couch with Avery who was ready to fall asleep.

"You want to talk."

Lindsay nodded and looked down at Avery, drawing some strength from the little smile and bright eyes.

"I think there's some things we need to get out in the open. At least things I need to talk about."

"I thought there might be. Go ahead honey."

Lindsay took a deep breath, knowing she was going to have to delve into things she'd never talked about before, not even to Adam. She'd told him the facts of things that had happened, but they'd never really discussed how she felt about it. Not that he hadn't guessed, but she'd never had the strength to say it outright.

"I don't want to resent you anymore, mom. I don't want to be mad like I was when I was five. I want to be able to forgive you, but I can't do that if I don't know why it happened. I need to know why you walked out of my life for so long. I need to know why you never fought for me. I need to know what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Lindsay Joy. And I know it isn't an excuse, but I think that I wasn't ready to have kids. I got married at seventeen, Jake was born a year later and by the time I was thirty, I'd had three more kids. I tried so hard, Lindsay and you kids didn't make it difficult for me or anything. I just couldn't get myself together. And then I had the miscarriage and… I think I lost it, sweetie. And it wasn't that I wanted to get away from you. I don't know what it was. I just had to get out."

"You didn't call or write or anything. An entire year, we didn't know where you were. You left us without a mother, you left dad without a wife and you took away any feelings of security I had back then. I never got those back, not when you came home, not years later. I didn't trust anyone or feel safe with anyone until I met Adam. And even then, as much as I know he's never going to leave me, sometimes I still worry about it. I know it wasn't my fault, but at four and five years old, I thought it was. Those feelings are still there. And that's not fair to me to feel like that all the time. It's not fair to Adam for me to always be questioning whether he loves me or not."

"I know."

"I am so mad at you, mom. I always have been. Even when you came home, I didn't want to have anything to do with you, but I did it because dad asked. I did it to make him happy but by the time you came back I wanted you to stay gone. I don't want to be that mad anymore, mom. I've tried so much, but I just can't forgive you for it. I can't."

Anne sniffled, her head bowed in shame. She'd always tried to ignore how the kids felt about her leaving and just start fresh when she got back. She knew it wasn't the best way to deal with it, but she had been so emotionally battered at the time, she didn't know what else to do. She had a weight of guilt upon her about it, but as time went on and the kids warmed back up to her, things slipped into a normal rhythm, she assumed it was okay. Apparently she was very wrong.

"I need to figure out how to forgive you, mom. I can't imagine what it would be like if I made a mistake and Avery held resentment against me for so long. I need to do better including you in my life because there is so much I don't tell you about. You're never the first person I call for anything. If I need some support or advice or just to talk, I go to Austin or Jo. I don't ever think about calling you for anything. I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want my mom back. I want it to be like it would have been without what happened. I want us both to be happy with our relationship. And I can't just do that on my own. We have to do it together."

"Sweetie, I know you probably don't want this right now, but I really need to hug you for a minute."

Lindsay was hesitant but nodded, letting herself be held for a moment. She couldn't help the stiffness in her body, couldn't make herself return the hug, and really just wanted to pick Avery up off the couch and go cuddle her on the other side of the room instead.

Anne sighed, slightly aggravated that her daughter couldn't manage a simple hug. She knew that part of it was her fault, but it still hurt, and she couldn't keep that hurt from evolving into anger.

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm trying. I just can't do it."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm mad at you!" she said, jumping up from the couch. "Because you hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. You were supposed to be there for me all the time. You were supposed to protect me and love me and you didn't."

"I did love you, Lindsay."

"No you didn't! Love means never walking away from someone, no matter what. But you did walk away. You didn't say goodbye or promise to be back. You were just gone. Love doesn't do that. Ever. So I have a hard time believing you ever loved me, mom, not the way that you were supposed to. Do you know what it was like? Do you understand how it felt to wake up every morning and know that I didn't have a mother? No one was going to braid my hair or have breakfast with me or teach me how to cook or any of that. The boys went to school, dad went to work and as much as uncle Freddy tried, he wasn't a mother. He wasn't you. You were what I needed and I wasn't enough to keep you around. And don't tell me that you just couldn't handle it, mom. Don't spin that, because I've been there before. I've wanted to run so far away, and I thought it would be better for everyone. But I didn't do it because I love my kids way too much. I would miss them and I could never survive without them. And you know what? They got me through it. It was better for them to have half a mom for a little while than to have no mom at all."

She was seething now, all the anger that had been locked up inside since she was a little girl came spilling out and she couldn't even stop to censor it.

"Then you came back and you expected to be mommy again. You thought that we would love you and trust you right away. And I really tried. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could. I wanted to be your little girl, but I knew you could flit in and out of my life whenever you wanted. I tried to love you and I would wait until I was alone to hate you. Do you know how hard that is for a kid? I didn't know what to think, mom! I finally started to trust you again and you let me down. You didn't get me help when I needed it. I know we talked about this years ago, but that still hurts. It still hurts really bad that I still wasn't enough. After what happened to the girls you should have been there for me. You should have saved me from myself, but you threw me in the deep end and let me swim. I drowned, mom. I drowned and I had to figure out how to save myself. A mother is supposed to be a champion for her kids, but you were just sitting there, occasionally glancing over for the sake of keeping up appearances, but you weren't in tune. It's like you didn't want me to make it. You didn't want me to survive. And I so desperately needed love that I just accepted that. I moved on. I ignored all the hurt and I let myself love you and trust you again. By the time I moved here we were so close that I missed you every day. I thought that I had finally gotten over it. I thought I understood why things had happened the way they did. I thought it was okay, that we were okay, that things were finally how they should be."

"Lindsay."

"And then Colton was born. And I looked down at him and I loved him so much, and I couldn't understand you anymore. I knew I could never do to him what you did to me. I would do anything to make sure he was happy and safe. I would die for him a million times over. But you… you didn't even want to look at me when I was hurting. So I have a hard time believing that you loved me. Not the way you should have, and not the way I needed."

Anne sat there rigidly, tears streaming down her face as it became apparent to her just how much her actions had hurt. She had been trying to protect herself from emotions she didn't understand, and in the process she had hurt her children beyond belief.

"Despite all that, and even more than the anger, I still love you. I want to forgive you. It's going to be really hard to do that, but I have to because I can't live like that anymore. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's normal or okay. I don't want you to hurt because I'm mad at you. I don't want you to think that you never did anything right. Because you did. You did a lot of things right. I need to try and remember all those things. It's going to be hard mom, but I'm doing it because I love you. I really do."

"How? After all that."

"Because you're my mom. Because no matter what happened back then, I know you love me now. And I can't not love you, mom. I can't."

By the time the boys returned they had stopped the tears and the high emotions, and were sitting on the couch watching an old movie and eating popcorn. Avery was stretched across their laps, sleeping with one arm over her head, drooling out the side of her mouth.

"Hey, popcorn!" Colton exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing a handful.

"Usually you come home and run for me, not popcorn."

"You don't got butter on you, mama."

"Well I'm glad."

Ben glanced at the popcorn, then down at Avery, giggling before he kissed her.

"Lookit how sissy cheeks is fat," he said, pinching them gently. "Sumo wrestler."

"The baby Aves got big cheeks, Ben got a big head and I am just normal," Colton declared, eating another handful of popcorn.

"You're gonna get a big belly if you keep eating like that."

"Nu-uh. I have lots of energy to burn off and that is why when I am in bed at night I kick my legs all in the air."

"Cole, you do that 'cuz you weird."

"Maybe but people will 'member me always."

"Mama'n Austin say that when theys weird."

"Yup."

Lindsay chuckled as they climbed onto the couch with her.

"Hey mama, that's Audrey Hepburn, right? She's 'Liza Doolittle?"

"Yeah, it is."

"And that's 'Enry 'Iggins, huh?"

"Yep," Lindsay chuckled. "I think maybe we watch too many movies together."

"Don't tell me we're not gonna watch our movies anymore! That's my best part of the day!"

"We won't quit watching movies," she assured. "Maybe not every day though."

He nodded and reached over Ben to grab some more popcorn.

"I like when the movies got no color," he said. "It feels like I am in another world, mama."

"I not 'joyin' this," Ben remarked, sliding off the couch. "Gonna play 'stairs."

"You have some opinionated children honey," Anne noted with a grin.

"They make me aware of that daily."

"Hey granna?"

"Yeah?"

"You really gotta leave tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we do."

"I don't agree with that. I think you should wait longer."

"Oh really?"

"Yup. Until at least summer so we can go to the zoo in the Bronx."

"Maybe next time."

He nodded and snuggled himself into Lindsay's side, wrapping one arm around her middle. She ran her fingers through his long hair, glad they had let him grow it out. It was in need of a trim but she liked it long like this.

"Where's daddy and papa?"

"They're outside lookin' at the leakin' porch roof."

"Is papa telling daddy how to fix it?"

"Yup. 'Cept daddy thinked he already knowed and papa telled him a way to do it on the cheap."

"Oh, I see. Daddy likes cheap."

"Are you cheap, mama?"

Lindsay and Anne snorted with laughter while he looked at them confusion all over his face.

"What did I say? Somethin' funny? Or somethin' stupid and you're laughing at me? Come on, stop laughing! Fine, I'm gonna go be on Skype for a while until you two settle down."

"Don't talk to anyone you don't know," Lindsay reminded him as he went into the other room.

"I'm just gonna talk to a Messer. I don't even care who, they don't laugh at me."

"Hey, we're not laughing at you."

He peeked back around the corner and glared at her.

"Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on me, mama. I am way too smarty for that."

"He sounds exactly like you."

"I know, I'm terrified."

"Adam, this isn't the way home," Lindsay said, confused as to where he was taking them. They had just dropped her parents off at the airport and she assumed they were going home, but he seemed to have other ideas. He was heading east towards the ocean instead of west towards home and he just reached over and took her hand.

"Remember when we were first dating?" he asked with a wink. "Taking drives when we couldn't sleep."

"Stealing kisses at stoplights."

"No wonder we fell in love."

She smiled and he brushed his lips over her knuckles.

"I just thought you might need that again."

"Thanks, Adam."

He reached over and turned up the music, loud enough that she could get lost in it, but quiet enough that it didn't bother the kids in the backseat. She propped her feet against the dashboard and closed her eyes, sighing deeply and letting the music take her back to that carefree time when everything was happy and nothing could touch them. Every touch had been thrilling, every shared smile sent an electric current of excitement through her. Every time their eyes met she'd been overcome with the desire to lose herself in his embrace, forgetting everything else. Every time he held her in his arms their future had flashed before her eyes and she never wanted to let go.

She realized that none of that had changed even now, so many years later. The touches, the smiles, the eye contact, being wrapped up in each other, it all still evoked the same emotions, possibly even stronger than they had been before. Maybe the struggles had only added to their bond, and now that she knew how good life was and could be, it made it all more exciting than it had been when it was unknown.

She opened her eyes and squeezed his hand, smiling when he looked over at her.

"I love you."

"I love you too sweetie. And when we get home?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to cuddle you so hard."

She giggled and raked her hair out of her face before he quickly pulled her in for a kiss.

"Adam!"

"Stoplight."

She laughed and shook her head, examining their clasped hands. The only hand she would want to hold for the rest of her life.