Disclaimer: I do not own GW – seriously? I mean if I owned it, it would have been WAY different (obviously) and well – I'd be richer. :D

Thanks to my reviewers, especially priscel and inuyashalover45. Dioramanya – I love your sn! :D

CHAPTER 17

Quatre adjusted his suit jacket, looking once more in the mirror. He didn't normally wear black, but there were always exceptions, funerals being his least favorite one. Duo was watching from a private room. It was Quatre's idea, Duo would be very conspicuous and since it was an empty casket, there was no need for Duo to take a glance. Though most people believed Heero's murder to be an attempt to force Relena's hand into the war, there was no guarantee that someone wouldn't go after Heero's family.

Relena had made a beautiful speech on what Heero had died for and how her desire for peace had not changed. It was lovely, but not much of consolation to herself or others at the loss of her bodyguard. Unfortunately, Quatre would be expected to be in attendance. The event would have some of the highest security of any event put on by the state, so and if he didn't show, it could be seen as a lack of faith in the government.

Trowa came up behind Quatre putting a hand gently on his shoulders, pulling Quatre to himself and lightly embracing him. They had been touching a lot lately. Seeing Duo and trying to understand how he was feeling made them crave each other. Out of respect, they were trying to keep their physical intimacy to private settings, but as soon as they were alone, they were in each others arms.

Neither of them spoke for a long time, a shrill cry from their daughter caused them to pull apart. With a deep sigh, Quatre picked her up, realizing they had to leave now or they would be late.

"How's Duo?" Trowa had been checking on him while Quatre finished getting ready.

"Still isn't talking, but he was dressed and ready. Hilde got him into the car, they left a bit ago to make sure they arrived with the rush." Duo's friend had been contacted a couple days ago and she had flown down as soon as she could get a flight. Despite her nervous chatter when she was with Quatre and Trowa, she seemed able to accept Duo's desire for silence and helped take care of Camille, allowing Duo to be with her, but taking away the need to care for her. His daughter was the only thing that could chase away some of the shadows in his eyes and show a reminder of the vibrant person he had once been.

Quatre left his daughter with a few of his sisters and few Maguanacs before he and Trowa loaded in to the car parked out front. To an event like this they would be chauffeured instead of driving themselves. That way then they arrived they could be guarded the whole time.

The drive was short, when they arrived they were escorted in, the flashing of cameras from the press wanting to cover the funeral. Heero – a man who had survived on his anonymity [1] – was now an international hero. The silent soldier's last few minutes of life had been aired all over the world and space.

The service was being held in a large, old cathedral. If it weren't for Duo it probably would have been in a more secure facility, but Duo had broken his silence to fervently whisper that it would be in a church. Quatre and Trowa knew that Duo had been raised at the Maxwell church, but hadn't realized how desperately he clung to his faith, especially in times of crisis. It had been the only time they had heard him speak since he saw the video. Quietly, Quatre acquiesced to his request, relaying it to Relena and plans were made. Despite the lighting, the dark stone walls lent a leering gloom to the affair that nothing could change. People arrived, soberly. Few people there actually knew Heero but people were expected to arrive and honor his death.

As Quatre and Trowa took their seats, Quatre turned to find Duo's viewing spot. There was a sound room set up with a reflective glass mirror from which he watched the proceedings. It was on the second floor of the cathedral, there wasn't much space up there, but it looked innocent enough. Satisfied that Duo was safe, Quatre watched as people silently filled the rows. When the seats were empty the spaces around the pews began to fill in. When the church bells tolled to announce the beginning of the service, the doors were opened and as the priest entered, followed by an empty casket, the space behind him filled with onlookers.

Quatre remembered little of the service. He spent most of the time watching through blurred eyes. His pain wasn't just his own, it was others as well. Especially Duo. It felt unfair to mourn Heero when Duo was mourning on a different level than him. Trowa was trying to conceal his grief, to be strong, but he had a connection with Heero that others didn't. They understood each others reasoning and often agreed with the others decision. Even Camille was grieving in the simple way that children did. A simple longing for her father.

When it was over, Quatre was quickly ushered out while the others were expected to wait. Quatre was able to take a brief moment to embrace Relena. She looked awful. Reporters were ruthless and gave the woman no break, despite the fact that she was at the funeral of the man who had spent every day trying to keep her safe. Wufei, along with several other tried to keep the flashing lights to a minimum, but without much success. She paused once, gave a brief statement and then gracefully disappeared into her limousine. Since Quatre and Trowa followed Relena out of the church, they were able to avoid much of the attention. They ducked into the car and slowly made their way out of the crowded streets.

The casket would be buried the next day, at an as of yet, undisclosed time and location. Duo and Relena knew, they were trying to keep it a secret so that Duo could attend in private. Quatre felt no small measure of relief as the car made its way onto the highway and they were able to break away from some of the traffic.

Looking at Trowa, Quatre wrapped delicate fingers into the dark haired man's strong long fingers. Together they grieved and made their way home.

Heero was in trouble. Blood covered his front, his steps were unsteady. Despite his wound he continued forward. There was a door at the end of the hall, but people were coming. It didn't seem that any of his steps were getting him any closer to the door.

Shadows of the people chasing Heero fell in front of him, indicating their presence. He forced himself to move faster, the effort only causing his wound to bleed more. Suddenly, his pursuers were in front of him. Helplessly, Heero tried to raise a hand in defense. Guns pointed at him.

A chorus of shots. The figures disappeared. One remained.

Duo walked forward. Heero's eyes were open, his body covered by small streams of blood running into a puddle on the floor. Duo knelt and gathered Heero's still form in his arms. He didn't cry. He couldn't anymore. There were no tears left to cry.

With a gasp Duo awoke. He'd twisted his pillow in his arms, causing the case to come part way off. Duo pulled himself upward, placing his pillow behind his back. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging on his braid. Therapeutically, he undid the braid and began redoing it. The repetitive motion helped calm his breathing.

The nightmares had returned with a vengeance. For the first few weeks after Heero's murder, his reality had been so painful, that his dreams were nonexistent. Now, his imagination took hold and brought to life all the awful possibilities that Duo so desperately tried not to think about. The braid done, Duo stood and opened the door to his room. The gaping hole where Heero belonged hadn't healed at all, but he was learning to cope. He still hadn't spoken to anyone except Camille. She needed it. She knew something was missing, but more than that she recognized something was wrong with her daddy. Duo would speak with her, play with her in her nursery. In fact, she was probably becoming spoiled. She was the only place where he could cope with Heero's loss. All the love that Duo no longer was able to give to Heero was showered on Camille.

He wandered the halls of Quatre's mansion. There was plenty of space to roam and the movement tired him out. He was 29 weeks along with the twins and even though he was continuously tired, if he didn't move about enough, he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. If he tried, he would be haunted by his nightmares as the mingled with reality.

After thirty minutes, his feet returned him to his room. His back ached and his legs were tired, but he wasn't ready to sleep yet. He sat down at his computer. The screen lit up, creating an eerie glow in the darkened room.

Duo opened up his email. Nothing interesting. He opened a new email, typed in the address and began writing.

Dear Heero,

I feel like these emails have a greater chance of reaching you than speaking to an empty grave. I miss you. I miss your eyes, your smile, your arms. . . Don't think I loved you just for your body though. (Duo gave a brief smile at how Heero would respond if he could read this.) I miss your love, your support, your obnoxious excitement at how fat I am getting.

The twins are pretty active. I'm certain now they are boys. It's like a three ring circus in my stomach every day. Don't worry, I am going to most of my doctor's appointments. I have them all the time. The doctor says that he's surprised at how well I am doing. He expected me to be on bedrest by the time I was 29 weeks. If you thought I was big the last time you saw me, you should see me now! I need warning sirens when I walk so people know I am coming.

I don't want to do this without you Heero. We were supposed to have these children together. I am sorry I let you go on that trip, I could have stopped you and I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Duo couldn't write anymore, but he sent it unfinished, like he did almost every night. Shaking, Duo crawled carefully back into bed. He made himself comfortable and closed his eyes. Hopefully, there would be no more nightmares tonight.

"Duo."

Duo's eyes snapped open. He didn't move, fearing what he might see if he did. It had probably just been part of the dream. He waited.

"Duo, I'm sorry."

With a start, Duo struggled up, out of his bed and turned to face the voice that had been haunting his waking and sleeping hours for weeks. The tears he thought had run dry appeared again. "Heero?" It was barely more than a croak.

The figure, Heero, nodded. Duo took in a deep, shuddering breath. It couldn't be him. It was just another nightmare. Never the less, this time he could reach him before he was destroyed. Tottering a little, Duo walked over to Heero. Duo didn't dare ask if it was really him. If this was real, he would have time to ask later; if it wasn't real, he didn't want to know yet.

"Duo, I'm sorry." Heero repeated, placing his hands on Duo's shoulders.

Heero's clothes were torn and bloody, his skin was pale and cold to the touch. His cheeks were gaunt, there were deep circles under his eyes. His eyes however, they were bright. Almost shining. The deep blue seemed to hypnotize Duo. Logically, this was probably a dream, but looking at Heero's eyes, he could almost believe that it wasn't.

Duo's voice, abused by disuse, asked, "What are you sorry for?"

Heero didn't respond immediately. "I love you." Duo tensed and then relaxed, hearing those words, in Heero's voice was like dipping into a hot, refreshing bath.

"I love you too, Heero." Duo moved forward to wrap Heero in his arms. Heero didn't resist, but he didn't help either. The twins managed to create quite a distance between them as well. Heero didn't look inclined to say anything.

Deciding to assume this was somehow real, Duo pulled Heero to the bed and forced Heero to sit down. "Duo." Heero's voice sounded tortured.

Duo felt tears burn his eyes, but he blinked them furiously away. "You look tired, why don't you rest?" Duo leaned forward and kissed Heero. When Duo tried to make the kiss deeper, Heero pulled back. Trying not to feel hurt, in the back of his mind he knew this was just a construct of his imagination.

"Please Heero?" Heero looked awful, maybe if he got some rest, he would look better. Heero nodded and robotically leaned backwards on his pillow, lifting his feet to the bed. Duo smiled and walked to the other side of the bed and slid in, sitting up determined to stay awake until morning. If this wasn't real, he wouldn't miss one second of this dream. Maybe if he stayed awake, he could make this dream into reality.

The bright blue orbs watched him for a moment before sliding shut. Duo ran a hand tenderly across Heero's forehead. The twins started dancing in his stomach, seeming to realize that if dad was awake then they should be too. Duo took one of Heero's hands and set it above the kicking of one of his children. Duo tried to ignore how cold they felt.

Morning waxed on, Duo tried to keep his eyes open to watch the still, breathing form of Heero, but his body wouldn't let him forget that he hadn't been sleeping enough lately and that he was very pregnant. Without realizing it, Duo's eyes slid shut.

When Duo awoke, his arms were wrapped around nothing more than a pillow.

Tsutsuku

~Annie