CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

THE ROAD CONTINUES

CHAPTER 3

As the door closed behind us, Dean collapsed face first onto the first bed we came to.

"I'll shower in the morning" he mumbled from the covers his face was pressed against.

I thought about the story he told me about Dad's shower and sorrow fell over me. I had wondered if he ever thought about those things. If, especially after freshly reminiscing on it, if he would be flooded with emotions if he showered. I sat on the edge of my bed, contemplating if I wanted to ask him or not. I cleared my throat and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Dean?"

Dean's voice became clearer and louder as he rolled from his stomach to his back, "Sammy, I really don't wanna talk about it anymore, okay? I'm just tired. I haven't slept good in, hell, I don't know how long, I just want a good night's sleep. I'll talk to you more in the morning, if you want, but for now, I just want to sleep."

He pushed his boots off and then his pants, making his way under the covers in his t-shirt and boxers.

"Okay." I said, a little disappointed. The disappointment must have shown in my voice as I heard a sigh come from Dean's bed.

He rolled over to face me, not attempting to remove himself from the covers, or lift his head off the pillow. "Sammy," he said in a low, compassionate tone. "I…" he started, stopping to calm his emotions. "I don't let…"

I could tell he was searching for the exact right words.

He continued, "I try not to let things bother me, okay? Yes, sometimes they do. Sometimes, memories sneak up on me out of nowhere. But, after all these years, I have learned how to push them away." He stopped talking for a moment, looking at me, locking into eye contact, he continued. "Yes, okay. The answer to your question is yes."

I was taken aback a little, how did he know what I was thinking? How did I know he was answering the question I was thinking? My thoughts must have shown on my facial expressions.

"I allowed myself to open up, to pour out stupid memories, and feelings." He sounded annoyed at himself. "It's too fresh in my head, if I took a shower… now… the memories…" he stopped again, not breaking eye contact, but still searching for the right words through his stuttering. "The memories would hurt. Okay? I've gotten used to it. Used to dealing, or pushing away, the memories and all the pain that goes with them. But sometimes, I just want to avoid them, and this is how I do it." He reached over, turned his side of the light off, and rolled back over, back facing me.

"Night, Sammy."

"Night, Dean." I replied, unsure of anything else to say.

I had gotten up and made my way to the bathroom. Once I stood in the shower, hot water pouring down on my tired body, I began to think of what Dean had said. I started looking down at the edge of the tub, imagining my brother's blood streaked down it, all because he took care of me. I brushed the thoughts and sadness away as I finished my shower, quickly, realizing what Dean meant about avoiding thoughts and feelings.

Once I was finished and had stepped out onto the cold tiled floor to dry myself and change into a clean pair of boxers and t-shirt, I glanced at the floor and the wall across from the toilet. I thought about all the times Dean must have sat in a similar spot, trying to keep himself together, trying to hold back the memories, and everything that came with them. I then thought about the incident in the bathroom just the night before. When I was sure he came so close to ending it all. I had to uncock his gun and make it safe again from where he had it with him in there. I wondered if motel restrooms were a trigger point for him.

Again, I shook the thoughts and finished getting ready for bed. I quietly made my way to my bed and slid under the covers, turning out the rest of the lights in the room. I could hear soft breathing mixed with slight snoring coming from Dean's side of the room. I knew, finally, he was asleep, and by the sounds of it, he was getting some much-needed restful sleep. I, on the other hand, couldn't seem to find my way to dreamland so easily.

I kept thinking about what I had read in that book, the thoughts of my brother. And the conversation we had while he drove. He was so open and honest. That was not a normal trait of Dean Winchester. He keeps himself closed off, keeps all feelings at bay. He doesn't let any weakness show, ever. But then again, he hasn't been himself lately, maybe this was his way of trying to find himself again. Letting everything out so he can be himself again. I loved my brother. I love him even more now that I have seen into the struggles and sacrifices he made for me.

At some point sleep must have overcome my thoughts. I was startled awake by a loud noise. It took me a moment to figure out what the noise was or where it was coming from. I was obviously in a deep sleep. I then noticed the sounds were coming from Dean's bed. He was having a nightmare, again. Oh, how I had hoped he would get an entire night of good, restful sleep. I quickly slid myself from my bed and sat beside him on the edge of his bed.

"Dean," I said quietly, hoping to pull him from his dream without totally waking him, or startling him. I placed a gentle hand on his shoulder when I didn't get a reply. "Dean?" I said a little louder this time, giving his shoulder a slight shake. "Dean, bro, wake up" I said a little louder with a little harder shake when there was still no reply.

He was moaning, like he was in pain. His face tightened up, his eyes tightly closed, his fists balled as tight as they could go. Arms stretched, locked beside his sides. He tossed his head back and forth, taking small breaks before he would toss it to the other side. I'm sure he would have been doing more than moaning if his jaw wasn't locked so tight. I hated to wake him, I knew how much he needed his sleep, but I also knew how much he needed restful sleep, and this was not restful.

I raised my voice and gave his shoulders a violent shake.

"DEAN! Wake up, man. You gotta wake up for me" I said as he fluttered his eyes opened, after a couple flutters his eyes opened wide.

He shot up to a sitting position. I could tell he was confused and not sure exactly where he was at or what was going on. He glanced around the room with quick eye movements, then locked his eyes on me. Staring at me, deep into my face, into my eyes, for only a moment, but what felt like forever. I could see the emotionless expression on his face, but so much emotions in those deep green eyes of his that were still opened wide. He then pulled his hand up to his face, closing his eyes as he slipped his hand down this face, wiping the sweat from his dreams off his skin. Taking some long drawn out blinks accompanied by some deep breathes.

"Sammy?" he sounded a bit confused, "What's the matter?"

"You were having a bad dream, man."

"What?"

I repeated myself knowing he heard me this time.

"D… Did I… um… did I say anything?" he stuttered, still trying to find his composure.

"No. You were just moaning and looked like you were in a lot of pain. Wanna talk about it?" I asked, knowing what the answer would be, but still asking anyhow, hoping maybe I would be wrong.

"No" Dean answered, seeing my disappointment he added "I don't really even know what it was about. And, I don't want to remember what it was, not right now. I just want to try to go back to sleep." Adding, in a playful matter, "Since my annoying, pain in the ass little brother decided to wake me up and disturb my sleep, I'm going to dream of a room full of sexy, half naked girls, but this time I'll make sure I talk in my sleep." He wiggled his eyebrows in delight as a mischievous smirk spread across his face. He reached out, scuffing up my bed head, "Now go back to sleep, Sammy, before I decide to tell you all about my room full of sexiness in the morning." He chuckled.

"I'm going" I quickly replied as I jumped from his bed. I did not want to hear anything about that part of his brain. I slid back in my bed as Dean settled back into his, as I reached to turn out the light,

"Dean? You okay?"

"Yeah, Sammy, I'm fine, now go to sleep"

I allowed myself to slip back asleep after I heard the comforting sounds of my brother's soft snores coming from his bed. I hoped this time he would be able to stay asleep, even if he was dreaming about half naked women. That was better than the nightmares that have been plaguing his dreams lately. I smiled, knowing that parts of my brother were still shining through even through his darkness. I allowed my body to relax with that thought, knowing everything would be okay. Darkness quickly overtook my head as I fell asleep, feeling peace for the first time in weeks.