A/N: That episode! Oh my word. I am verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
"MAMA! DADDY!"
The horrified cry pierced the night and Lindsay gasped, shooting up in bed and pressing her hand to her chest. It was three in the morning and Ben had been waking up every few nights for the last two weeks, always at this time.
"I'll go," Adam offered, rubbing his eyes.
"Sure?"
"You have to work in the morning."
"Come get me if you need me."
He nodded and made his way quickly downstairs where Ben was still screaming and crying as if he was being tortured.
"Ben, shh. It's daddy, you're okay," he said, sitting down on the bed. Colton was already there, trying to wake his brother up from the nightmare.
"No! Scary! No!"
"Ben wake up! Nothing will get you," Colton pleaded, holding his brothers hand. "Daddy is here and he is strong. You are safe, just wake up."
Adam pulled his son into his arms, holding him firmly so he couldn't fight back.
"Benjamin, it's time for you to wake up now. You're having a bad dream, but nothing can get you. I need you to wake up, son."
Ben continued to wail shaking his head as he tried to wake up. Adam stood up and tried to jiggle him awake at least a little, but it only made the crying slightly quieter.
"Colton, go ahead and go back to sleep."
"Is he okay, daddy?"
"Yeah, he'll be fine."
He took Ben out of the room and down the stairs, talking softly to him.
"You're safe, Ben. I have you and I won't let anything happen to you. It's time to wake up now, alright? I need you to wake up for me. Come on, buddy."
Ben let out a whimper and shook himself awake, his entire body trembling with exertion.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah, it's me. You're alright bud."
Ben pulled in a frightened breath and broke into more tears, clutching at Adam as tightly as he could.
"Daddy, daddy, daddy."
"You're okay, son. You're just fine."
He kept crying and Adam sat down in the rocking chair, pulling a blanket around them and rocking gently back and forth.
"Shh. It's alright, son. Nothing can hurt you. You're safe in my arms. I'll never let anything happen to you."
They rocked back and forth like that for almost an hour, Ben crying without letting up and Adam trying to reassure him everything was okay. They knew night terrors were common in kids, it was a phase that would pass eventually. But they had been getting more frequent and severe, and Ben was harder to wake up every time too. They needed to get some help; they couldn't all be waking up for this long every night. Ben would sleep in really late in the morning afterwards, then be listless and lazy for the rest of the day.
Finally he wore himself out, having cried so hard that his throat was raw and his eyes were almost swollen shut.
"Come on, buddy. You can sleep with me and mama for the rest of the night."
They went upstairs and Adam checked on Colton and Avery who were both sleeping soundly. Lindsay was only half asleep and didn't waste any time taking Ben into her arms and holding him as tight as she could get him.
"We can't keep doing this," she sighed.
"I know."
"What are we going to do?"
"I don't know babe."
"I feel so bad for him. I don't think he really understands why we can't make it better."
Adam nodded and was quiet for a while. It really bothered him to see his son so upset and it was even worse when he didn't know what was wrong.
"Maybe I should call the doctor in the morning. See if she has any ideas."
"Okay."
They were quiet for a second before Adam half-chuckled.
"Remember when you were pregnant with Ben and we'd lay here like this, and the closer I got to you, the more he would kick?"
She gave a small smile and nodded.
"We said he'd be a mama's boy because he was already staking out his territory."
"I miss you being pregnant."
"Why?"
"Because. It's like a mystery."
"I like "Well I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder, what's in a Wonderball?""
"Exactly," he chuckled, reaching over to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Go back to sleep. We'll figure all this out tomorrow."
She yawned and leaned down to kiss Ben, taking a moment to pray that this would stop happening to him.
"Daddy?"
"Hey bud, you're up."
Ben nodded and yawned, shuffling into the dining room, rubbing his eyes.
"What is you doin' on the computer?"
"I'm just reading some stuff. Do you want breakfast?"
"Yeah. Where's mama?"
"She went to work."
"Where's Cole?"
"He's at school."
"Sissy?"
"She's down for her first nap."
"I sleeped long time."
"Yeah. You had a bad dream, remember?"
"No. I did wake up in the dark. You was there and you rocked me."
"Yeah. Do you remember your dream?"
"No, I do not. I feeled creepy."
"What do you mean by that?"
Ben shivered hard, then reached around to touch his back.
"Like that, daddy. There. And scared too."
Adam's brow furrowed, not knowing what his son meant but, storing it away to think about later.
"What are you hungry for, buddy?"
"Um, just toast. I want to call mama please."
"Okay. Here, dial the number 1 and the star."
Ben nodded and pressed the buttons, smiling when the screen lit up.
"Look, a picture of my mama!"
"Yeah, that's her."
Ben smiled and yawned again, climbing up into the office chair and opening up a game of Minesweeper while he waited for Lindsay to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hi mama."
"Hey sweetheart. Did you just wake up?"
"Yup. I got sleepin' voice?"
"Yeah, you do a little. How are you feeling?"
"I feel tired. Daddy's makin' me breaffist."
"Oh, okay. Where's sister?"
"Sleepin'. I wish you would be here for mornin' cuddles."
"I'm sorry, baby. I had to go to work and I didn't want to wake you up because you were sleeping so hard."
"I miss you, mama. Muchly."
Lindsay chuckled.
"You say muchly like Austin does."
"Yu-huh. When you will come home to me, mama?"
"Around dinner time. Will you be ready for snuggles then?"
"I try to be. I gonna snuggle sissy today for she was cranky yesterday."
"Oh, I see."
"My food is ready, mama. I will talk to you later."
"Let me talk to daddy, okay?"
He didn't say goodbye, just traded Adam the phone for his breakfast.
"Hey babe."
"Hey. Did you call the doctor?"
"Yeah. She said she can see him tomorrow afternoon."
"Did she have any idea what it might be?"
"No. She just said that it's fairly common, but with it getting more severe she wants to check him over and make sure it's not some strange side-effect from his surgery."
"She didn't sound worried?"
"Nah. She said that if he has them at the same time every night, we should start waking him up about that time and hopefully break him out of that sleep cycle."
"I guess we're setting our alarms for three a.m."
"I guess."
"Hey honey, I gotta go. Machines beeping everywhere."
"Go save the world. I love you."
"I love you too."
They hung up and Ben looked at Adam, a ring of peanut butter around his mouth.
"Daddy, I are sick and to go to the doctor?"
"No, we're just going in to talk to your doctor."
"For why?"
"To see if she can help so you don't have bad dreams anymore."
"Oh. I not like them bad dreams. They's bad, daddy."
"I know. Finish your breakfast and then get dressed and I'll take you and Avery to the shoe store."
"Why?"
"Because you both need new shoes."
"But… mama does that job."
"Well yeah, usually she does but today you need shoes and she's working so I'm taking you. How hard could it be?"
"Oh daddy," Ben sighed, patting his shoulder. "You don't know."
"This is the third night in a row," Lindsay sighed, throwing her blankets off and standing up from the bed.
"What time is it?"
"Two."
"I'm coming with you."
They made their way downstairs and found Ben half out of bed, clawing at the air and screaming. Colton was sitting up in his own bed, blankets pulled up to his chin while he cried. Without discussion, Adam went to Colton and calmed him down while Lindsay tried to wake Ben.
"Sweetheart, it's mama. Time to wake up."
"No! No do that!"
"Benjamin, open your eyes. It's a dream and it's not real."
"Go 'way from me!" he hollered, kicking his legs and catching her in the hip. "No!"
Adam cam over to help her and they lifted Ben out of bed while he hollered and cried.
"Okay, let's go downstairs."
The three of them made their way downstairs and were standing in the entryway when Ben suddenly screamed again, his hands in fists as he tried to twist away from them. Lindsay held onto him the best that she could while Adam held onto them both tightly, at his wits end about what to do.
"You're alright, Ben. Nothing bad will happen. Daddy and mama are both here. You're safe."
"We love you, Benjamin," Adam continued softly. "We'll never let anything happen to you. It's time to wake up. I promise, nothing scary is out here. Just wake up, buddy."
Ben whimpered and groaned as his body went limp, exhausted from fighting the horrors in his mind.
"Safe?" he whispered softly.
"Yes Ben. You're safe. Daddy and I are both here."
"Somethin' bad happen."
"It did? What was it?"
"Dunno."
His words came slow and quiet and they knew he was only awake enough to not be dreaming, but not awake enough to really hold a conversation. They knew it was a good idea to wake him up more so he would pull completely out of the dream, so they took him into the kitchen for a drink of water.
"Mama?" he asked after two large gulps of water. "Is you sad?"
"No, baby. I'm not sad."
He looked up at her curiously before nodding.
"You worried then. 'Bout me. And the bad dreams."
"How do you know that?"
"Because your face telled me."
"It did?"
"Uh-huh. And your talkin' too."
"Oh, I see."
"Daddy, you scared?"
"A little bit. I just don't know what's happening to you and why it's happening and I know I can't fix it."
Ben nodded and held his arms up.
"I scared to sleep. Snuggle in big bed please?"
Adam nodded and picked him up while Lindsay shut off the lights and they made their way upstairs. Lindsay peeked in on Colton, going into the room to tuck the blankets around him a little more. She dropped a kiss to his cheek and he sighed, reaching for her as he woke up a little.
"Mama? What is wrong with Ben? Why is he so angry when he sleeps?"
"He's not angry, honey. He just has really, really bad nightmares. Remember how I told you that I used to have nightmares like that sometimes?"
"But not now because you sleep next to daddy and he makes the scary stuff go away."
"Yeah."
"But mama, why? What is Ben scared of? What happened to make him so scared?"
"What do you mean?"
"He is just a little boy. He should not know to be scared unless something scary happened in his real life. What happened to him, mama?"
"No, nothing happened, baby. Dreams are just… we can't always explain them."
"But I need to 'splain it so he is not scared."
Lindsay took a deep breath, not wanting to cry in front of him because that would only worry him more.
"I don't have any answers for you baby. I just don't right now. We'll figure it out. It will get better."
"I am worried for my brother, mama."
"I know you are. You just let me and daddy worry about him."
"I just love Ben. I want him to be happy and okay."
"I know. That's because you're a good big brother."
"I am?"
"Yes. You are the best big brother in the whole entire world."
"Oh wow."
She smiled and leaned down to kiss him again.
"Go back to sleep little man. I'll see you in the morning."
She left the room and checked on Avery who was sleeping soundly, her arms raised and her hands curled up near her ears. Lindsay didn't disturb her, just took a second to brush back her thick curls, then left the room and headed upstairs.
"What they would do, daddy?"
"Well before we went to the doctor, you would have to stay up all night long."
"Late?"
"Yeah, late. Mama or I would stay up with you. Then we would go to the doctor. They would put sensors all over your noggin and the sensors would tell them what your brain was doing. Then you would get to go to sleep and the sensors would keep working to show the doctors what is going on in there that makes you have bad dreams."
"Them sensors hurt?"
"No, they just put them on your forehead like stickers. You might get to wear a hat of some kind."
"We could do it soon? I need learn sleepin' better."
"We'll talk about it. For now why don't you just try to get some rest. Mama and I will be right here."
"Thanks takin' care of me."
"Oh honey, you don't look so good," Jo commented, her face turned into a frown.
"Yeah. We haven't been sleeping much," Lindsay replied with a sigh.
"Everything okay?"
"Ben's having nightmares. Or night terrors. I don't know. He screams in his sleep and he fights us when we try to wake him up. Sometimes it goes on for just a few minutes, other times it's longer. It keeps getting worse too. Last week it happened a few times and we could get him back to sleep afterwards but the last few nights have been really bad."
"What happens?"
"Last night we went in to wake him up before we thought he would start having the dreams and just as we walked in the door he sat straight up and started screaming. We tried to touch him and he screamed louder. Colton was upset, Avery was crying and we just didn't know what to do."
"How long did he scream?"
"Probably just a few seconds but it seemed like forever. His eyes were open and he was staring straight at us, but he was asleep still. Then he got up and was trying to run away or something. It was really scary and we didn't know what to do for him."
"Have you taken him to the doctor?"
"Yeah. She suggested a sleep study to find out what sleep cycle he's having the dreams in. She said she wouldn't be worried but with it happening almost every night she thinks there might be something wrong. They say it should happen between one and four hours after he falls asleep, but it's not happening until he's been asleep for six hours or more. She thinks that he might be waking up once earlier than we think, maybe from regular nightmares that are making the night terrors worse later."
Jo nodded and joined her on the stiff office couch, not really caring that they had evidence to process. It could wait.
"You know, Ellie had nightmares when she was Ben's age."
"She did?"
"Yeah. I'm sure hers had more to do with what was going on in her life, with her mother the way she was and everything else."
"What did you do for her?"
"I just brought her to bed with me for a while. Then I had her sleep in my room, then eventually she slept in her own bed. She just had to learn that she was fine and nothing would happen. It's not the same as what Ben's going through but I understand how scary it is and how helpless you feel."
"I just don't know what to do for him. And then Colton asked me the other day if it was because something bad happened to Ben. And I know nothing did. He's only ever with us or Danny and Austin or you and Mac. I know nothing happened to him at all but then I wonder if he saw something on TV or just… I don't know. I don't know why he's so scared or how he even knows to be scared."
"You know that you haven't done anything wrong, right?"
"I know. We keep telling him we're trying to make it better and I wish that we really could. It's so hard to watch him like this."
"Lindsay, you know that this has nothing to do with you or Adam as parents, right?"
"I don't know."
"No, listen to me. This is something that is happening that neither of you have any control over. It's not happening because you did something wrong and you are doing everything you can to help him. Do you know that?"
"I know."
"Linds…"
"I can't make him better," she said softly, holding back the tears of frustration and guilt. "I'm supposed to always make it better for him and I can't. I failed him."
"Oh sweetheart," Jo sighed, pulling her friend into her arms. "You didn't fail him. Failing him means not standing up for him, not fighting to help him. You're not failing, Lindsay. I don't want to hear you say that again. You are an amazing mother and struggles or not, those kids are so lucky to have you. Do you understand me? I know it's hard and I know it hurts to see your baby go through this, but it will get better."
"We're all so tired," she said, letting the tears finally fall. "I can't even tell myself that it will be better in the morning because before we get to the morning it happens again. He's starting to get scared during the day too, he wants to know where all of us are all the time. When he knows someone's at work he asks us to call them and make sure they're okay. I don't know how to comfort him anymore. Adam's so worried about him that he can't sleep and then he feels sick so he doesn't eat and so he's been losing weight and I'm worried about him too. I feel like I'm trying to hold us all together and I can't."
"Yes you can, Lindsay. You need to stop thinking of the worst things here. I know it's hard to even see past any of it, but I promise you, you're going to figure it out. It's hard because it's your baby and you want to protect him but you don't know how. You're frustrated and scared and that is okay. That's normal. You need to remember that while this is disturbing his sleep cycles and making him scared, it's not harming him. It might feel like it, but it's not."
"But he's so scared."
"Honey, do you think part of the reason he's so scared is because he knows you're scared?"
"Probably. I put on a really brave face for him but he can see right through it. He knows how I feel before I even feel it."
"He can read you really well."
"Yeah."
"Why do you think that is?"
"I'm not sure. I think that's just who he is, he's very compassionate and he just cares about everyone else so much. And part of it might be other things too."
"Such as?"
Lindsay wiped her eyes and sighed, sitting up a little.
"I think that when I was sick he didn't understand it. Not that Colton did either, but Ben was only a year and a half old. He couldn't ask questions or really understand when we said that I was sick. He just knew that I cried a lot and I didn't get out of bed and I didn't always want to play. I think he tried to figure it out and he learned me really well. He's more sensitive to me than Colton is because he had to be. He had to just guess a lot. And I think that because I got pregnant with him right after I was depressed too, there was a lot of heightened emotions that got transferred to him. So it's hard to tell him that I'm not scared because he can see right through that. Maybe the problem is he doesn't know that it's okay to be scared sometimes."
"You know what I think Ben needs?"
"What?"
"I think he needs some one on one time with his mama. I know it won't chase away the bad dreams but it might make him feel a little more secure."
"That's a good idea. I haven't had time with just him in a while. Adam does it a lot but I'm always running errands or cleaning or taking care of things for the other kids. He gets lost in the shuffle a lot."
"Maybe some time out of the house will help him too."
"I'll do it tomorrow."
"I'm off, I can take Avery for you."
"Really?"
"Of course. You know I would do anything for those kids, and for you."
"I know. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now take a deep breath and just keep reminding yourself it's going to be okay."
"It's going to be okay."
"That's my girl."
"Thanks, Jo."
"You're welcome. You come and find me if you need to talk more, alright?"
"I will."
"That a fancy lunch, mama," Ben commented as they strolled down the sidewalk to their car. "Yummy too!"
"I'm glad you liked it."
"I enjoyed the 'brella in my drink."
"Yeah, that was a nice touch wasn't it?"
"Mama, can you an' me go there for always? Jus' you an' me?"
"You want to make that our special place?"
"Yeah. When I am a old big boy too. Old like daddy."
She crouched down and smiled at him before grabbing him in a hug.
"Nothing would make me happier. I will always go there with you and no one else."
"That is special," he decided with a nod of his head. "I love you, mama."
"I love you too, Benjamin."
They stayed like that for a moment longer before she stood up and took his hand.
"I think on the way home we should get some hot chocolate because it's such a gloomy day."
"Oh yes! We get some for Jo-Jo say thank you for watchin' sissy?"
"Sure, we can do that."
He smiled and skipped along beside her, looking more rested and happy than he had been in a while. His little hand was soft and warm in hers and she wanted to pick him up and kiss him all over for how sweet he was. She'd save it for later, when he was sleepy and wanted to be cuddled anyway.
They made it to the car and hopped inside, then headed for home. Ben stared out the window and counted buildings as they passed, but just the brick ones because he didn't like the other kinds.
"Hey mama, it's rainin'," he reported after a while, watching the raindrops chase each other down his window.
"Ben?"
"Yes?"
"Do you want to go dance in the rain with me?"
"Yeah!"
She turned down a sidestreet and stopped the car at the park, then helped him out of his seat. It wasn't pouring but it wasn't just sprinkling either and he grinned up at her as she reached in the car to turn the radio up. They hopped through puddles and spun in circles and laughed until their cheeks were red. Ben squealed with joy as she swept him off his feet and held him close, singing along with the old Patsy Cline ballad that could barely be heard over the now driving rain.
"Fly the ocean in a silver plane. See the jungle when it's wet with rain. Just remember 'til you're home again, you belong to me. I'd be so lonesome without you, maybe you'd be lonesome too, in blue. Fly the ocean in a silver plane. See the jungle when it's wet with rain. Just remember 'til you're home again, you belong to me."
She slowed their dancing down and he rested his forehead against hers.
"You 'long to me too, mama. Okay?"
"Okay."
He hugged her tightly around the neck and she breathed him in for a moment before the wind picked up.
"We'd better go, buddy."
"Okay."
She got him situated in his seat, then got in the car and turned the heaters up full blast.
"Thank you for this day, mama. Love you very much."
She smiled and reached back to hold his hand.
"I love you too, Benjamin. I promise you, everything is going to be alright again."
He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze and neither one of them said anything else as they listened to the rain.