CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

THE ROAD CONTINUES

CHAPTER 8

Dean healed in record time, according to the doctor, but I knew he was mostly acting for the sake of getting out of that place. Hospitals have never been Dean's favorite place, I couldn't ever figure out why he hated them so much. I didn't mind being in the hospital, it was a break from life, to me anyhow.

I drove the car to the front door as the nurse wheeled Dean out to where I parked. I couldn't help but chuckle at the face Dean made when the nurse didn't give him a choice but to sit in the passenger seat. He couldn't handle when I drove his Baby. After Dean had been admitted to the hospital I had went back and gathered our belongings, knowing I wasn't going to leave him, there was no point in paying for a room we weren't using, plus, I wanted the memories of the that room put in the past.

"Wanna head out of this town?" I asked Dean as I headed out of the hospital parking lot.

"Whatever you want." Dean replied. He had settled, slumped in the seat, I'm sure he was pouting because he couldn't drive.

"You feeling okay?"

He didn't reply, just turned and looked at me, nodding his head slowly.

"I mean, you okay to ride, at least to the next town over? Get the hell outta this town." I clarified myself.

"Yeah, head to the beach, Sammy, that's where you wanted to go anyhow, so let's go. I'm good." He said as he settled himself into his seat a little more, placing his jacket on the side window to give himself something padded to lay his head against. "I gotta close my eyes, just for a few, okay?" Dean stated. Was he really asking me if it was okay that he rest? Of course, it was okay. Why wouldn't it be? Was he afraid something would happen if it wasn't? "My head is spinning, Sammy" he added.

"You sure you're okay to ride?" I asked, making sure his head wasn't going to bother him too much.

"I said I'm good." He replied as he leaned his head against his jacket and closed his eyes.

I found myself mindlessly driving down the road, passing the next town, and the one after that. My brother sat in the seat beside me, sleeping, making small movements adjusting himself for comfort, letting me know he was okay. I wondered what he was really feeling. If he was upset at me. If he blamed me for putting him in the hospital. I had almost killed him. It was an accident but still, it was caused by my anger, and it was almost life ending for him.

I wasn't completely sure that he was healed up well enough to be traveling. But there was no way he would ever admit to that. I'm not sure if he would even admit to being upset at me. He had said he wasn't. He said he forgave me, but I wasn't sure there wasn't some anger toward me that he wasn't admitting to. I was mad at myself, why would I expect him to not be mad at me? I'm not sure how long I drove for, the day had turned to night and I was still driving. Driving and thinking. Until Dean pulled me out of my thoughts, again.

"Where are we?"

"I'm not sure" I chuckled, "somewhere down the road." Yeah, I knew it was a smart-ass remark, and that's the way I meant it.

"smart ass" Dean said under his breathe.

"How's your head?"

"Alright right now. Let's stop and get some food, I'm kinda hungry"

"sounds good to me" I replied. As I pulled into a local gas station. "Baby needs some fuel anyhow" I added. Dean remained in the car while I filled her up, then drove to a diner nearby. "Wanna stop here for the night?" I asked Dean as we stepped out of the car and walked toward the diner.

"I don't know." Was all he replied.

He was a man of little words right now. I wondered what was going through his head. How much hurt, if any, he was feeling. We sat in a booth seated by a window that looked out toward Dean's car. It also looked out in the direction of a decent looking motel. We ordered our food, I had noticed Dean didn't even make eye contact with the waitress. There was something bothering him, I didn't have enough nerves to ask him what it was. The last time we had tried to talk didn't end so well. Dean only half ate his burger, without the normal love affair he seemed to have with his food. I let out a big yawn, hoping to make a point that I was tired and needed to rest.

"I'll drive." Dean said.

Like hell he would! He just got released from the hospital with a serious head injury. "um… Dean," I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure if that's such a good idea."

He looked up and gave me a hateful look, "It's my car, I'll drive it if I want to".

"Okay" was all I could say. After all, I was the one who put him in this situation. "You done?" I added.

Dean pushed himself off the bench, "Let's get out of here" he said, grabbing the keys.

I hurried to pay the bill and followed him out to the car. He seemed to feel a little more comfortable behind the wheel. He pulled out and drove down the road. I wasn't sure where we were going. But I didn't ask. I kept an eye on him, making sure he was okay to drive.

"Stop."

"huh?"

"Stop staring at me Sam. Stop looking at me like I'm a freak. Like there's something wrong with me. I'm fine. I really am."

"Dean?" I started to ask but stopped, afraid to continue.

"What?" he said, wanting me to continue what I had started asking.

"I'm sorry."

"You've said that, 20 times already."

"Are, um, are you mad? At me? Do you hate me? I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you did. I hate myself. It's okay if you hate me too."

I stopped talking when Dean quickly whipped the car to the shoulder of the road, slamming his breaks, placing the car in park. He turned to me, a little frustrated, a little concerned.

"Sam, I want you to listen to me, really listen." He said, but the fact he was calling me Sam and not Sammy gave a little ache in my heart. "I. Do. Not. Hate. You." He said slow and clear. "I love you, I'm not mad, I expected you to have an outburst. I allowed this to happen. I allowed you to go as far as you needed, to help you, so you would be okay. I know I've told you this before, but obviously, you didn't listen. I need you to listen this time, okay?"

He stopped waiting for the nod of my head, showing that I was hearing what he was saying. He then continued, "I know the fact I ended up in the hospital was a complete accident. I know you didn't mean to cause any serious injuries. I know if you could take it all back you would. But, the thing is, I wouldn't let you, you needed that release. I know you did. You needed to let out every bit of everything that you let out. The words, the physical actions, everything." He paused for a moment before asking "Do you feel better?"

"Besides the fact I almost killed you? Yeah, I do… thank you." I answered.

"Good." Dean replied with a slight smile, nodding his head like he was agreeing with his thoughts. "Then we continue on."

"Continue where?" I asked a bit confused.

"We continue down the road." He replied. "From this point on, everything up to right now, is in our past, we leave it there. And, we continue, down the road, and see what our future holds for us." He added as he put the car back in drive and pulled back onto the roadway.

I just couldn't leave well enough alone, I kicked myself after asking, but, I was sincere with my question, "Is it that easy?"

"No." Dean said as he shot a glance my way then placed his eyes back on the road, "it's not." He paused, I could see his mouth twisting to say something before closing again. I knew he was trying to figure out what to say that was trying to come out of his mouth, perhaps looking for the right words. "It's not that easy," he finally said "but, you figure it out, the same way we do with everything else in life." He paused again as he quickly rubbed his hand down his face.

"What do you have to figure out?" I asked, mental facepalm as soon as the words exited into the silence. Dean shook his head while he licked his lips, a sign that said he wished I hadn't asked, but now that I had he felt obligated to answer, and answer truthfully. He took a couple deep inhales followed by long exhales before speaking

"I have to… learn how…" another deep inhale before finishing, "to trust… again." He paused, wiping his hand down his face again. "I have to learn how to trust again, Sammy." he repeated. I was glad to hear him call me Sammy again but not happy to hear what he had said. What did that even mean?

"Dean?" I wanted the answer to my question without asking it.

We were driving by a small lake and Dean pulled off the roadway onto a dirt pathway that led behind a line of trees and toward the lake. He put the car in park and turned off the engine. I knew this was where we were going spend the rest of the night.

"You want the back seat or the front?" Dean asked.

"Doesn't matter" I replied, "you can have whatever is more comfortable for you." I added, knowing Dean felt most comfortable behind the wheel of his baby.

I made my way out of the car and back to the trunk. I pulled out the blankets and pillows we kept back there, one for each of us. I sat in the back seat, tossing Dean his pillow and blanket. As we both stretched out over the seats of the car, Dean broke the silence with what felt like a knife to the chest.

"I have to learn to trust life again, Sammy. I have… I… I have… I had this crazy fear, for the longest time," once he figured out the words to use he stopped stuttering over them, "I've had a stupid fear of those crazy, small, dirty motel bathrooms." He said. Stopping to swallow the lump rising in his throat.

"Why?" damn it Sam! How could you be so stupid? Why can't you just leave well enough alone? Why do you have to keep pushing him?

Dean cleared his throat, "Because, so many things, so many bad things, have happened in those tiny rooms. They would always cause me anxiety and, I don't know, claustrophobic?"

Once again, I couldn't just drop things, I had to keep pushing. "Is that why we aren't staying in a motel tonight?" I asked. Well, that got Dean's attention. He sat straight up.

"Sammy, it's not your fault, do you hear me?"

When he stopped talking I didn't hesitate to break in, "Well, is it?" I asked again.

"Yes. It is. But, Sammy, it's because I have some personal stuff I gotta deal with. It's not you, you hear me? It's not you… it's… it's a combination of a life time of crap… that, yes, it was brought back to the surface, because, once again… well, I hate those little rooms. But I'm not blaming you, I can't blame you Sammy. You didn't know, so I can't blame you for my crap."

His words left me speechless. I had expected his answer to be yes but I hadn't expected him to go into so much of an explanation, once again to make sure I would be okay. "okay" was all I could reply to him.

"Sammy, we'll stay somewhere tomorrow night, okay? All I'm asking is that you give me just this one night, just one night to deal with my crap, okay?"

"Yeah, Dean, Yeah. You can take all the time you need, Dean. I'll try not to push you anymore. I'll try not to keep asking stupid questions."

"Sammy, don't, please?" Dean pleaded with me, "don't change who you are, don't stop being you because I have crap I gotta deal with, you hear me little brother? Don't ever stop being you, no matter what. If you push me too much, too far, I'll stop you, don't worry about that okay? So far, you haven't reached that point." He laid back down, "Now go to sleep Sammy,"

"Yeah, I'm going" I added "Besides, it sounds like you're becoming delirious from lack of sleep" I said in a playful way as I adjusted myself for comfort.

"Yeah well, it's better than the pain in the ass you're becoming" he chuckled, "Night Sammy"

"Night" I replied as I closed my eyes and darkness filled my head. I was asleep before my brother's snores hit my ears. Another day closed in the book of our lives.